I’m not even sure how to write this up. I’m M20, straight, and hang out in a friend group with a few guys and a bunch of girls. The fact that I’m a virgin probably doesn’t help this either. We’re all athletes, so of course we’re all in pretty good shape. I feel bad admitting it, but I’ve just become obsessed with the girls I hang out with. It’s like everything about them turns me on and I don’t know how to stop. I can like only jerk of to them, and all of my fantasies are about them. Celebrities and porn don’t even get me off anymore. I know it’s perverted to go home and jerk off to them all the time without them knowing but it’s like an addiction that I can’t stop. Not to mention that the stuff I imagine is so outrageous that if I ever told them or if they ever found out, I’d definitely be ostracized from the group. I hate that I do it but for some reason can’t stop and just don’t know what to do anymore
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You’re the guy friend girlfriends tell their boyfriends not worry about 🤣
Why do you use the word obsessed? You’re just attracted and that’s normal, you would have never even thought about them if they weren’t attractive.
Don’t call it obsession, call it attraction to their looks. If you don’t know how they are at home and what they other side looks like then it’s not love it’s just lust.
So you trying to get out the friend zone?
You felt attraction, and rather than taking your shot and resolving whether it could become something real or not, you just leave it unresolved so that you can hold onto the idea, even if that idea grows into, in your words, obsession.
You dont need to tell someone your wildest fantasies when you’re making a move, you just let them know you’re interested, and they either reciprocate, or not.
Unless you want to ruin a friendship, keep this to yourself.
one way to fix this would be to get a girlfriend, so then you could be fixated on her rather than your friends. easier said than done though
Maybe go to therapy
I mean you’re a 20 year old dude. The important part is, do you see them as human beings with thoughts, feelings, etc? Do you treat them well and not creepy? Do you cherish their friendship outside of attraction? If the answer is yes to the above then I don’t see a problem
The root of the problem is not talking to other women more in a socially casual sense. The guys I know who had this problem were pretty anti-social and their only interaction with women were their close friends.
Sometimes the problem here is perceiving women as sexual objects rather than people (not consciously, but subconsciously.) You may THINK you respect them and see them as people but observe where your head goes whenever you think about them. Do you think about their interests, careers, how they interact with others, their personalities? Or do you just immediately think about their rack. Do you think about them when something you know they’re interested in comes up? Or do you only think about them when you’re horny? I don’t personally know, I’m not making assumptions about you, I’m just informing you of things that your brain could be doing that you may be unaware of even if you have good-intentions and sincerely care about these friends.
Honestly the best route here is exposure therapy. You need to go talk to more women whom you aren’t already close to. Sign up for classes/join clubs/partake in community events where you’ll meet new people and just have a go at it. It helps.
A 20 year old man jerking off thinking about women he knows? You disgust me.
/s
I guess it’s normal-ish. It’ll come to pass because your hormones are still kinda crazy at 20. Just don’t be weird to them and please don’t tell a soul about this irl.
Mate it’s been like 2 generations of people who have had the option of jerking it to people they don’t know. Jerking to friends you find attractive is the default hell maybe one day you’ll shoot your shot with one it all normal lol
Dude, you’re already friends. Why not see if they’re interested in one on one time and go for it?
“Hey, wanna go do [insert fun thing here]?”
“Sure, who else is going?”
“I thought it’d be just you and me. What do you say?” And then wiggle your eyebrows.
If she says no, just say, “Aw well, maybe another time then.” And change the subject.
If she says yes, then go do fun thing as friends, but make a move if it feels right.
There’s a reason why our thoughts are private. You aren’t hurting anything as long as you don’t act on your instincts.
Just go full anime: reincarnate into a vending machine, then create a harem of all of these friends by offering them sweet non-alcoholic beverages.
So, it sounds like you’re saying you’re a guy.
You are that snake most know of when the girl they start dating says… don’t worry we just friends he doesn’t like me like that at all… while your jerking off over them and would do anything in a heart beat to be with them!
Super normal my dude; jerking off is not harmful for the person you’re jerking to, so don’t stress about it too much.
As long as you’re not being creepy to them or violating their consent in any way I don’t see too much of an issue. Pretty girls are pretty. Maybe just keep this to yourself tho
Here’s a tip – to not mess up the friend group dynamics, ask the girls if they have any single friends that would be a good match. If one of them does, great, if one of them secretly likes you, it’ll probably come out.
And stop jerking off to your friends and take that knowledge to the grave. There are so many fitness influencers, etc. that you don’t know IRL.
It’s not a bad thing you prefer to imagine real women compared to pron stars. See if you can end up dating one, it’s not atypical for athletes to date each other.
If they are single, shoot your shot. They cant say ‘yes’ if you dont ask.
Hear me out: Truth or Dare will be your friend.
This is one of those examples of cognitive dissonance in our society that is unavoidable. We’ve built a society that is founded on the idea that we’re more civilized and dignified than we actually are. When it comes down to it, we’re still cavemen. It’s natural that your attractive female friends make you horny. If you wanna beat off to them, who really cares. You’re not hurting anyone. Just don’t let it ever go beyond that, and for god’s sake don’t ever tell anyone you actually know. You’re fine dude.
Your current handling is making these worse as your basically are feeding your obsession, I know it is easier said then done, but try and stop, dont masturbate to them and it’ll get better.
The first thing you need to stop doing is jerking off to that thought of your friends. Continuing to do so is strengthening that connection between seeing them and getting horny.
My other tip would be to try and get a new venue/friend group/activity so that you have an outlet of people to hangout with other than just the friends you are horny for.
If you are single and they are single you can explore the option of trying to be together but I would tread carefully. I think relationships with people you are friends with are the best for you long term, but they have the potential to destroy entire friend groups if they end badly.
Mate look up limerence. It’s a neurological thing which can happen to loads of people. Your limerence seems to be manifesting as a bunch of wanks. Maybe talk to a professional?
Man it’s totally normal, just don’t be a jerk and be nice to them if you really like them as friends.
Wait till you hit 40 and wanna fuck everything that walks. 😩
It’s not abnormal to fantasize about people necessarily, but it sounds like a bit more than that. Sounds kinda obsessive. Can’t say I have advice other than try to not? But don’t be too hard on yourself about it also? There’s probably a healthy middle ground in there somewhere..
Look just jerk off and think about whoever you like. That’s your own private sexual personality. No need to share all that and risk being creepy.
These girls are your references. They likely know women you don’t and girls talk. They have to because it’s a more dangerous game for them.
Just be chill and be a good friend with healthy boundaries. That good reputation is gold. If something happens naturally it will or won’t and they might hook you up with a friend if they know you are a good dude.
Nothing wrong with jacking off in the comfort of your own room not bothering anyone. It’s one of life’s best features.
Just be cool man. Trust me this one is better learned the easy way.
For me as an only child it’s cool because you get to have friends who are like sisters to you the way my best guy friends are like brothers.
The friend zone is perfectly fine. Having friends is a good thing and you are likely to meet partners through friends anyway.
Okay, three things at play here we need to discuss: Sexuality, Emotional, and Social.
First and foremost is the Sexual component- anyone sexually active has fantasized about someone else. And yes, masturbation counts. It’s totally normal to fantasize about others, and many of these fantasies involve people they know! There’s heaps of research about this, but the consensus is this: fantasies are perfectly healthy so long as the person identifies they are a fantasy.
That last bit is saying- “Hey, don’t try to act out your fantasy with someone thinking they’d go along with it! They’re not real, they’re a figment of your imagination that looks like somebody you know.” Now, obviously that’s loose. If you’re fantasizing about harming people, in any scenario, sexual or not, that’s when you need to see therapy. Otherwise… just jerk off dude, you’re fine.
Let’s talk about that Emotional side of things. There could be a lot of reasons why this is happening, and why it’s getting stronger. It could be that you’re more attracted by the context of intimacy, of actually knowing a person, and so it explains why strangers online aren’t cutting it anymore. It could be the inherent taboo nature of the fantasies themselves, and that’s perfectly normal too! There are plenty of things that are “exciting” or “hot” purely because they’re taboo, and that’s just a fun byproduct of how the human brain regulates its dopamine!
It could be that there’s feelings for these people, and not just platonic ones… in this case, I advise you to be cautious with yourself and in indulging these fantasies too much. There’s a thing called Limerence, it happens in many relationship types and takes many forms but it’s that “obsessive” attitude toward someone. It could be that “really cool new friend I can’t stop thinking about”, or “that super hot guy in my department”, or even “that annoying prick who always tries to look better than me”. If it’s obsessive, makes you want to interact with them more, and occupies your thoughts when they’re not there- it’s limerence. (It’s also why couples have a “honeymoon phase” and eventually fall out of love, limerence goes away with time especially once indulged).
Last component- the Social aspect. You can not tell these people you’re jerking off to them. You just can’t. Honestly? If an acquaintance of mine said they were jerking off to me, I wouldn’t mind. If a general friend said it, I would likely not be bothered unless we have a history of joking about dating or something. If my close friend said it to me- I’d be seriously freaked out. Not because I feel endangered by them, but because now it recontextualizes every interaction. I now have to create distance.
Granted, I’m a gay man. If I were a woman and a guy-friend said this to me?? There a a high chance I’d feel endangered or manipulated, and not because you specifically would do that but because statistically there’s a higher risk of it happening to me as a girl and for you to have done it as a straight guy.
So… yeah, even if you have nothing but the best intentions- they don’t need to know. It’s not harming them, it’s not harming you, but the knowledge of it could harm them or you and so it’s not worth sharing it. It isn’t. Not even as a joke or during truth or dare.
That’s pretty normal. That’s why our species is still alive.
You are horny. It’s as simple as that.
The solution is to get a girlfriend, and you know you can. Look around for the women who are interested in you, and from that group pick the one you’re interested in. My grandma gave me this advice, and it’s accurate.
Go to therapy
Get a gf.
It is not as simple as it sounds but work towards it. If they see you “a friend” it is unlikely that it would evolve into anything more.
It would be difficult but find a way to move past this phase
Patience is the only way out of this. I reccomend you stop trying to make any of them think of you as anything more than a friend. Enjoy female companionship without sexualizing them. It will help you tremendously when you meet someone more available to you. The pressure to complete arbitrary milestones like getting laid is enough to create obstacles along the way. Relax, and let the milestone approach you, not the other way around.
Men are so terrifying it’s why I don’t make friends with them anymore.
You’re young and horny, you’ll grow out of it eventually.