im only alive because of a youtube channel (new channel repost, made same day)

Hi, new redditor here because I felt too young to post my own problems on here. I (13F) have been diagnosed with depression since I was 10 years old. I still don’t remember a specific pinpoint, it just.. happened. When I was 11 I started to S/H (6th grade) and now I am nearing the end of 8th. My whole life during middle school was absolute hell because i felt like i could talk to nobody. I had close to no friends and I’ve always been bullied for my height (I was nearing 5’3 in 6th grade, I am now almost 5’8) and for a bunch of other stuff. During winter break of 7th grade, I was told I was moving schools. I was disappointed, but also kind of excited because the school I was going to had “friends” I knew since kindergarten. That excitement was short-lived.

During my first few weeks at the new school, it was fun. I was meeting new people who clearly didn’t like me but that was fine. My 3rd week was when things started going downhill–one of my good friends started pulling away. Making rumors. Making life more miserable than it had to be. Because of it, I was left all alone having to make new friends in a school where a majority of the population hated me. It’s like a moth in a crowd of butterflies, I suppose. With all of this happening, the song “Karma” my Jojo Siwa came out (my name is Karma, but with a C, so it’s spelt “Carma.”) and the bullying got worse. I will be honest, this is a month and a half to two months in and I was admitted to the hospital for the 4th time in my 7th grade year because of attempted suicide.

After I got out, I discovered Smosh. Along with that, Starkid, a theatre production group.

When I tell you they changed my life was an understatement. I took all of their advice on their podcasts, Reddit story videos, and even some of their game videos, it was amazing how quickly everything changed. Angela, Amanda, and all of them make me laugh on my worse days even when I’m balling my eyes out. It’s like a coping mechanism I never knew I needed.

I used to cut every single day and now–in 8 days, April 19th, I will be 11 months clean. I used to have weekly therapy sessions and I graduated the program October 1st. I am now close with my mom because I learned to communicate mainly from Smosh. I still have times where I’m struggling but I immediately turn to them and I am giggling so much my mom has to tell me to quiet down. I cannot explain how grateful that I found them and that I will be able to make it to my 14th birthday.

To all of the adult MEN sending me threats without even having this post up for 24 hours is insane. No, I don’t want to be added to the 🍇 list. Stop asking me.