I just jave to get this out.
Pretty much the title. Married 18 yrs. I have been begging for regular time and dates for about 11 years now. I can count on 1 hand how many dates we have been on.
I asked for a divorce a year ago and he made me promises he hasn’t kept. We have been out maybe 2 or 3 times since then without kids.
We were supposed to have a date tonight. I have been asking for him to date me, take me on a date, plan and execute something. I handle 100% of our household (inside and out) our children and all their things except when i am at work 2 days a week and dentist appts, and 1 kods allergy shots.
He contributes nearly nothing to our relationship. In 20 years of being together he has frequently and regularly ignored mothers day, my birthday, our anniversary.
He gets home at 5p today and has no plans. Nothing. Then tries to turn it on me because I had mentioned a movie I wanted to watch with him sometime.
I broke down. He is now “busy” with the kids and acting like nothing is wrong. I’m still crying off and on.
Another part of our “don’t get divorced plan” was a weekly marriage meeting. We started 1 last night for maybe the 6th time in over a year. He got up and went to play a game with one of the kids instead of doing it with me
Mind you this man holds nearly no responsibility towards our children. Doesn’t plan or do anything with them. Has never bought them any gifts for any holidays. He is just using them to avoid me. I know if I say something he will say ” you were upset so I was giving you space ” ie: “I’m going to ignore you and give you the silent treatment until you give in”
I have given this man everything.
And I wouldn’t even mind, if he would just try to choose me everyonce in a while.
Before everyone let’s loose on me
I know I’m stupid.
I know he has shown me who he is
I know I shouldn’t still be here. But I am. I guess it’s my own fault at this point.
Comments
Sorry for the typos.
>I asked for a divorce a year ago and he made me promises he hasn’t kept.
So it is now time to follow though!
Contact a divorce lawyer today and get the ball rolling!
>I know I shouldn’t still be here. But I am. I guess it’s my own fault at this point.
But it doesn’t have to be anymore! Make the change you need to make and stop feeling guilty!
I had this same issue and finally divorced him. Everyone came before me. I have been much more content on my own.
I’m so sorry. But i honestly think you may need to just see an attorney.
Op, I think it’s time again to start looking planning your future without him
Sounds like you have tried. There is only so much you can do when the other party is not a willing participant. If it hasn’t changed in 18 years… I don’t think it would change in the future either.
Why are you letting him be the one to choose?
Choose yourself.
op, I think at this point you might as well start talking with a divorce lawyer again. imo there really is no going back from here, not unless he gets a major reality-check.
He has shown you what you mean to him, believe him. He’s not interested so now it’s time to move on.
Here’s what will happen. You will begin the divorce process. He will “change his ways” for a couple of months and try to win you back.
If you cave, he will, fairly quickly, revert back to how he is now.
If you stand your ground, it’ll be the old “it came out of nowhere! I’m so shocked!”, probably combined with claims you’re crazy or cheating.
You can’t win with him, so it’s time to win for yourself. You want someone to prioritise you? The only person that can do that is you. Stop giving him the power to make you cry. Take your power back. You can do it. I promise, it gets better. Xoxo
Time to choose you
I’m so sorry your husband is so shitty. You’re not stupid for hoping he would change, is that something he convinced you to believe?
Find a lawyer, but be careful; he will say he’s been improving, or he’ll change this time for real, pinky promise. Document everything so he can’t gaslight you into disbelieving reality. You got this.
OP, stop waiting for your husband to choose you. Choose yourself. Choose your own happiness and leave him. Divorce isn’t easy and starting over will feel nearly impossible at first. But eventually you would feel the weight of the decision lift. You’ll be happier and your children deserve a mother who is happy and fulfilled. You aren’t stupid, you have put in the effort. You just have to learn that it’s okay to stop when something isn’t working. It’s okay to change directions and do something else.
Damn :/ I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. It’s time to do what’s best for you and go through with the divorce. Life is too short to not be valued and loved
There’s a book/audiobook called the let them theory. Get it, listen to it and let him. Let him go.
Why are you acting like it’s too late to divorce? There’s still time. If you already do everything, why not do it without him there. You might even find some happiness without him sucking all your time. Reconsider, it’s not too late
At least you accept it. Its your choices keeping you in this situation, not his.
OP, stand up for yourself. Leave the abuser/user. You and your children are better off without him. Don’t work harder. Change what isn’t working!
Divorce is tough but living with an unresponsive and uncaring partner is much tougher. I really hope that you spent the last 11 years planning for the eventuality of your marriage ending.
My friend keeps thinking that if she just treats her husband nicer, do more things for him, go to events that he enjoys… That he will somehow start being nice to her. But he only gets worse and she only tries harder and she only gets more and more exhausted. It’s an endless cycle. I hope you can find happiness.
You know it’s okay to do your own thing. Arrange childcare and go out with friends. Go out for a girls weekend. Live your life! Go see a movie. Buy your own birthday gifts. Nagging and begging doesn’t work so take care of yourself.
I was married to someone who showed many of these characteristics. It’s a horrible place to be in. I got to the point where I was tired of him not contributing to the family. I didn’t divorce him, for two reasons. One, I chose to marry him and I stick by what I say. And two, I didn’t know how his mental health would handle it. So instead, I just made it too difficult to live with me and he said he wanted a divorce, which then happened. After he left, I honestly and sincerely thought about what I missed about being married to him. It was that he drove the car if we went to foreign cities and countries. That’s it. Think about what you will be missing, maybe – the emotional impact won’t be as difficult as you think. Good luck!
If you can’t leave for yourself, leave for your kids. Seeing this between their parents normalizes it for them and will, sadly, make them less likely to notice this behavior for themselves. It will very likely make them a target by the people who want to be like your spouse or even worse. Please show them an example of a happy & strong parent by leaving. You need to protect them and right now, you aren’t doing that. Please leave
The most important person who can truly choose you, is you. When you make that choice, you’ll begin to feel the love and acceptance you’ve been seeking. Relying solely on your husband to fulfill that need is unlikely to succeed, especially when his effort in the relationship has been minimal.
If you’re staying only for the sake of the children, consider the message that may send them: that it’s acceptable to remain in a relationship that lacks fulfillment and partnership. Based on his ongoing behavior, it’s reasonable to conclude that he may not change, contribute meaningfully to parenting, or take an active role as a husband or father.
It’s never too late to prioritize yourself and move forward without the burden of a relationship that no longer supports your growth and well-being.
If you are just feeling stuck and you don’t know if you can move forward, envision 5 more years from now. You will be in the same place, doing the same things in this relationship, and feeling the same resentful feelings.
The choice is ultimately yours. I’m rooting for you either way!
It could be worse…
But you also seem very nice and I hope he’ll wise up. ❤️
Honey, call some friends, next weekend go away and leave him with the kids. Don’t make any food, let him figure it out.
divorce divorce divorce divorce
girl i don’t blame you, nobody should. leaving is hard. but it sounds like you know how to do hard things. i have faith that you can handle this hard thing, too — and you owe it to yourself to follow through. if you saw one of your kids in a marriage like this, what would you tell them? be kind enough to yourself to get out.
If he wanted to, he would.
It’s time to choose yourself
Divorce him. It’s time. Pick yourself and forget him.
You gave him a year to change e and he choose not to. Now it’s time for you to choose you
Now that you absolutely know he doesn’t love you, you can change your circumstances. Call a lawyer and get the ball rolling. You don’t have to accept this anymore.
I know how empty it feels to be in your situation. I hope you find the strength inside you ( I know you have it) to leave and show yourself and your babies what love and respect look like
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
I’m sorry this is tough.
You’ll be much happier as a divorced single mother than you are as a married single mother.
OP, I’m not going to advocate for divorce, but I am going to point something out. You give and give and give. So get tough on him. Be authoritative. Your 100% justified to be. If he loves you and is willing to follow through, you will see him truly try. If not, and something less appealing transpires, it’s your judgment call at that point.
I’m not saying be mean I’m just saying handle him accordingly. You’ve been with him a long time. You will know exactly how to approach it. I hope he really changes for you OP. You are indeed a tough woman. In the end all I will say is do whats best for you.
I was married 21 yrs and when I finally left I was so mad I hadn’t done it sooner. I know it’s scary. I had no one to fall back on and 2 adult children to be there for. Don’t hem and haw. You can do this. He won’t change and life without him will be so much nicer. Good luck.
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I experienced the same thing. Begged and pleaded for the bare minimum. I told him it didn’t matter if we watched a movie at home or went out or hung out with friends, but he needed to plan it. Nothing changed. It took me years to figure out that he didn’t care enough to do it. It was an inconvenience for him. I didn’t matter. Hugs to you. ❤️
Don’t go for second best, baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know, you’ve got to
Make him express how he feels
And maybe then you’ll know your love is real
Long stem roses are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you’re not in bed?
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn’t right, then move on
Second best is never enough
You’ll do much better, baby, on your own
(Baby, on your own)
Put a well-placed horn on his head to see if he gets smart.
Sucker for punishment if you don’t do anything to change your situation. Only you have the power to let him continue to neglect you!
If he won’t choose you, then you need to choose you.
Not too late to divorce and find happiness! You can do it! You are strong!
I honestly think he is also avoiding you. By any chance, have you gained weight? Maybe you’re not as freaky in the bed as you used to be. Whatever is the case, it is super important that you find out why. This relationship really does sound solid. Don’t let something as minor as you simply acknowledging his hard work lead you to a divorce. Again, you sound like a wonderful person with a wonderful man. Find out.
You’re not stupid. You haven’t been making the healthiest choices for yourself but the best time to start is now.
Can you retain an attorney? Get recommendations, you want a really good one. They can tell your rights and responsibilities. Take your time. Gather what you’ll need before you talk to him about leaving.
Know who will support you. Your husband will blame all problems on you and possibly lie to get people on his side. It’s easier to weather with someone(s) in your corner.
Choose you. You are worthy of love, kindness and respect and you aren’t getting it. You deserve it.
Please don’t listen to these single keyboard warriors in your comments telling you to leave. Seek marriage counseling if you must. We all make mistakes. I’m seriously rooting for your marriage to work. There is no better feeling than working through the problems with the one you love. Even 10 years from now you would look back on this moment and get that snuggle feeling in your body. I know I do.
dm me i will show you attention
If you choose to stay, stop depending on him and make choices for you. I was in your situation. I chose to stay, but I changed my attitude. If I saw flowers I liked I bought them, when I wanted to go out I did. Sometimes, dinner, coffee, trip to a bookstore, whatever. Sometimes with a friend, sometimes not. I take the kids on vacation without him. Oddly enough, he finally reali,ed I no longer needed him for my emotional support or happiness and he began to change. He’s still not great at it but holidays, anniversary, and birthday aren’t forgotten. It’s usually just flowers, but I’ll take it.
You’re not stupid, you were being hopeful. You did everything you could to make it work. Now it’s time to choose yourself. You got this.
You wanted a divorce for a while now & he’s proven time & time again he doesn’t care. He just doesn’t want visitations alone & you not handling everything like you do now, but he still doesnt want a marriage, or partner.
If you don’t want to divorce, which is understandable, set boundaries and stick to em. Arrange counseling and let him know that if he doesn’t follow through it shows you exactly how much of a priority you and the relationship are to him. You may need to try a couple different counselors before you find the right one for you guys but that’s ok. Set a time limit, if only in your mind, and then watch and wait. You have to engage and put in the work too of course, but words mean little at this point. You need to see behavior change and a good marriage counselor can help guide you and the conversations. He is either capable of that or he isn’t and then you decide accordingly.
He’s chosen himself time and time again. He’s never chosen you or prioritized you. Time to choose yourself.
Today is a choice. Tomorrow is a choice. You can choose differently.
I’m not going to give you advice, just want to tell you I can tell you are heartbroken, and it sure sounds like you tried everything. I’m so sorry that man isn’t seeing you. Whatever comes you’ll get through it, but it’s hard to feel sad and lonely. Sending you a really big hug if you need one.
If he wanted to, he would. His inaction tells you what he values.
You gave him a chance and he fumbled it. Divorce him, move on and be happy. Life is too short for the extra bs
Why are you still married to him?
You know that you can honestly say you’ve tried everything at this point. Set yourself free. Imagine how much less stress you will have without him ignoring literally all responsibility within your home. Imagine how much less work you’ll have to do with one less full grown ass adult to take care of and clean up after.
I’m sorry he’s a dud. But you’re not! So go shine on your own!
If you choose to be with him, at least stop carying about asking him anything, stop celebrating his birthdays and the rest of things that are about him and at least pretend you don’t care. Plan YOUR dates with yourself and the kids. Pictures only with you and your kids. Ignore him emotionally. Talk only about the household when absolutely needed.
Start watching movies by yourself. Pretend to be much happier and satisfied this way and give the impression nothing is wrong. Stop making requests so he notices you and make sure you notice yourself. Start a new hobby, be in a good mood, enjoy nice showers. Show that you can be happy without his participation, without his presence or emotional hand.
Ignores his bad words and criticisms because you simply don’t care anymore, his words mean nothing to you anymore. Treat his words like if they come from an old grandpa with some constant bad mood. “There, there” “Someone needs a nappy”.
Maybe you will learn how to value yourself by forgetting him and taking care of yourself if he isn’t doing that.
You are worthy of happiness and of being loved. That is it. That should be the full stop at the end of the sentence that is your current relationship. You owe it to yourself and your kids to not be trapped in misery for the rest of your life. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.
This man is not going to respect you or anything you say until you respect yourself enough to follow through. Even when he starts saying the things you want to hear just keep moving forward. If he is sincere at what he says you tell him you have to prove yourself to me for an entire year before I will believe what you are saying. In the meantime move forward with being happy that you are no longer dragging dead weight behind you.
Why are you begging a man for attention when its clear he doesn’t want to give it to you?
You threatened divorce but never followed through, why would he change his behaviour when there are no consequences if he doesn’t?
Grow a pair and just divorce him already. He will never be what you want him to be and you are just making him and yourself more miserable every time you try to force him to change. He is not going to. Face up to that
Get your affairs together, get a divorce lawyer and get everything set up and then tell him that you are getting divorced. No discussion, no bargaining, just do it for your own self respect
Why would he choose you and take you on a date when he knows he can put forth no effort into you or the family and know you will accept it?
I wonder if OP is employed. No mention of who’s funding this whole dysfunctional operation. SAHM is a tough job and sometimes thankless. Lot of resentment builds. OP husband needs to get his hands dirty if he wants to stay, can’t just be a boarder, a quiet roommate, or a distant financier in a marriage with kids.
It’s been 11 years. File, already.
You sound like me.
What do they get out of being emotionally neglectful or only making empty promises and putting forth no effort?!?
I WOULD CHOOSE YOU IN A HEARTBEAT !!
So… now it’s time to actually divorce him.
You only get one life. Why are you wasting yours on him?
It’s been two whole decades and you’ve already brought up divorce, why are you still with him?
I’m sorry, I know people don’t like it when someone says this, but at this point you have no one other than yourself to blame. It was different in the beginning, but it’s been twenty years. You should’ve left well over a decade ago.
If you have to beg and beg and beg for these things, for him to love you, for him to be a part of your life, then the relationship died many years ago.
Stop begging for his attention. Stop asking him for anything. Stop waiting for him to keep empty promised.
Leave already.
I don’t feel bad for you. Two damn decades and you’re still putting up with this? Why would you ever expect things to change?
My heart aches for you.
I found one of my mom’s diaries, and she describes she had never felt a more choking sense of loneliness than when lying awake next to my father/ her husband.
For them, it didn’t get better till she managed to leave (and then another 20 years passed). Not to bum you out, but my brother and I definitely felt the tension then, and we’re both still dealing with the wake, each in our own way.
Divorce but don’t take him to the cleaners. You need to find someone who will choose you.
What are you waiting for? Just divorce him.
Ummmm so fricking FILE! What are you waiting for..him to die? 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️😑😑😑
You gave him more than enough. It’s time to move on.
Time to get a lawyer and get gone. I’m really sorry. You deserved better.
How many more chances are you gonna give him?
Maybe it’s time you sort the separation out(for yourself).
Someone begging their husband for the bare minimum? And staying? You’re not only losing “everything you gave him” but apparently your dignity is also up for grabs.
You and your children will be happier in the long run.
OP – what are you doing? Look at yourself. Why are you tolerating this? You live with a horror of a man who is incapable of love, care, or even basic respect. Why?
Can this really be better than being alone with your children where your time is spent on yourself and the people you love without this dead weight pulling you down, wrecking your self esteem and breaking your heart day in, day out,
You are worth more than this, you deserve better and you need to end the relationship. You will all be happier.
You also do not want your children thinking this is a normal or acceptable relationship. People repeat what they know, what they grow up with. It’s not your fault but it does run a real risk of happening if you continue to tolerate this, to show them that it’s OK to settle for less than nothing because you’re so afraid of being alone.
Do not fall for his bullshit again, it will not last. He sees you as a slave and he does not want to give his slave up because then he’d have to make an effort himself. He is a liar and a coward and he will not change. He has shown you that repeatedly.
I suspect you have very low self esteem (probably largely because you have had to tolerate living with someone who has no respect or care for you for so many years ) and you likely need personal therapy to help you through this, to give you support and strength and someone to lean on to get through this as it will be challenging to do alone at first.
Please take care and put yourself and your family first, you deserve so much more than this – it can be hard to imagine but being alone can be much better than being with the wrong person.
This is sad. I can feel your sorrow through the post. I’m sorry. Pick yourself up and call the lawyer tomorrow.
You and your children deserve someone that cares and puts in effort. Take action now.
OP.. please please for
Gods sake find the strength in you to proritize yourself. You deserve happiness and your kids deserve to see their mom happy.
Get out of there. Date yourself until you find someone who matches your energy.
If you have not made the change you’d like already, the 2nd best time? Is right now.
OP… this sounds like absolute hell. I haven’t been in your situation, so I don’t know HOW hard this change would be to make….but I DO know it will be so very fucking worth it.
With this one life you have been given…this is it? You want to settle, just give up and “is what is”?
You sound like am extremely hard work and loving mother. Do you want your children to see how you’re treated and think that’s ok? To treat someone like this // to accept being treated like this?!?!
It’s never too late to get off your ass and take that first, extremely hard, completely vulnerable, no idea, first step… but you will so much freer with each step…or at least..with time
Sending hope and positivity or whatever it is that is out there… to give you strength, so you can do this.
You have got this and, as a random internet person who has had to make a change that was fucking hard, I’m rooting for you.