Please be gentle, I’m really struggling with feelings of low-self worth and like I don’t have much value anymore. As much as I despise the red pill/manosphere world, I feel like I “hit the wall”, so to speak, meaning I’m no longer young & attractive enough to be considered desirable by men.
I recently became single in my early 30s, which as many of you probably know, is a terrible time to become single. I left a long-term emotionally and verbally abusive relationship that I thought would end in marriage and a family. I tried so hard to be kind and patient with him, but he wasn’t improving his mental health and he kept yelling at me, cursing me, lashing out, and doing all sorts of emotionally abusive behavior. The relationship before that was with a serial cheater and liar who subscribed to all sorts of toxic misogynistic ideologies and tore me down. Yes, I am in therapy. Yes, I am trying to do things that nurture my soul and spirit so I can heal…but I am still struggling with all sorts of negative thoughts about myself. This in addition to the chronic pain/health struggles I face makes me feel particularly worthless.
I don’t go to bars or clubs, but I do go to cafes, hiking trails, and grocery stores, and I’m mostly ignored by men. I can count the number of times I’ve been approached, talked to, or hit on by men in the past month on one hand (~5x). Two of those were men over the age of 50, which makes me feel even worse because they are old enough to be my dad yet still think I’d want to date them (which makes me feel old, but also it’s a bit creepy – I’m not into age gaps). In contrast, in my 20s I was hit on/looked at/approached by men (of all ages, not primarily men over the age of 50) a LOT more frequently, I’d say probably (approximately) ~2-7x/week. In other words, in just a few years, the attention I get from men has reduced to a fraction of what it used to be, and I know it will continue reducing even more as I get older.
I am not healed from my past relationships and not emotionally ready to date yet, but am feeling the time ticking (in terms of my biological clock for having a family and my youth). It feels like it’s already too late for me now and like I am past my prime and no longer young and beautiful enough to attract a husband/life partner. I know these are toxic, misogynistic thoughts, and I absolutely hate that I’m having them. I wish they would go away and that I could just brainwash myself into having more confidence in my beauty and value as a woman. But this is the way I feel, and honestly, I would be lying if I didn’t admit that I feel defeated and insecure every time I leave the house and feel totally invisible to men.
I try telling myself that there’s more to life than having a husband and a family I should focus on my career, spiritual development, mental health, and happiness, but the truth is that I feel deeply sad and alone. I walk, eat healthy, do therapy, meditate, but I just can’t shake this internal feeling of worthlessness and loneliness. I feel as though I missed out on my one and only opportunity to have a happy loving life partner because I spent my youth struggling badly with my physical health (I became chronically ill in my early 20s which ripped my entire life apart) and feeling worthless as a result of my inability to do normal things because of my health, which led me to being in abusive relationships. A lot of men found me attractive when I was younger, but none of them wanted to commit to having a serious relationship with me because of my health problems, they only wanted to use me for their own pleasure/my body. I didn’t feel worthy then, and I feel even less worthy now. I am feeling extremely vulnerable by sharing my shameful/honest feelings right now so I would really appreciate if you could respond to this post with wisdom and compassion rather than judgment. Thanks so much in advance.💕🙏
Comments
You’d gain confidence by figuring out a way in which your self perception didn’t depend on men’s validation
I think the majority of men in America have decided that they just don’t do that anymore imo. If I don’t approach the man, even on dating apps, I don’t have dates period.
I don’t think a random man has ever approached me in public. I consider myself blessed.
Do you have good family or friends? A career or hobby where you feel valued? You need to surround yourself with people who care about other aspects of you. You are more than your looks.
I find the conversation about being approached interesting bc I don’t think I have ever really been approached much – I bet I could count on my fingers and still have some left 🤣 It never occurred to me that I would be. I’m cute (middle aged now but still out here living the dream and shit). It’s ok to recognize these feelings but, gently, your worth is going to come from your relationship with yourself. Build that up and life gets better
It’s not your age that is making you “feel invisible to men” it’s your energy. I’m much older than you and I get hit on more now than I did at your age. When you truly love yourself and you don’t NEED external validation you become magnetic. Start with self love
You’ve survived a lot of tough life situations and you’ll get through this too. It’s not easy to feel insecure when you don’t get attention from men like before….there can be other factors in play, but all you can control is you. I suggest decentering men from your life until you feel better about yourself.
You’re trying to rebuild confidence. It starts within, looking inward and nurturing yourself. For some people, starting a spiritual practice or exercise routine is helpful. It’s not easy starting new habits when you feel down on yourself but when the pain of staying in the same situation is worse than the pain of doing something new, then we’re pushed to act.
Doing activities for fun helps, I’m a fan of listening to affirmations, and connect to people that value you—nonromantic friendships and community. There are things you can do for outward appearance though that helps when you’re also working on internal change.
EDIT: Sometimes a change in environment can boost how you feel, not sure if feasible for you…I like travel for that reason, being in a new environment allows you to be a try a different version of yourself.
As others have said, I wouldn’t be measuring your worth by the number of men who approach you if only because they don’t approach anyone these days, and the ones who still do it are usually creeps. Your past experience has influenced your thinking patterns – even if you hate it, your subconscious has subscribed to the red pill mindset because you were exposed to that ideology for so long. That’s very expected, and it will take time for you to develop a healthier ideology within you that doesn’t centre men’s misogynistic, pornsick values. Please be kind to yourself and allow yourself the space to heal and rediscover all the amazing things you have to offer the world x
I’ve basically never been hit on. So either I’m hideous according to men, or I give off a vibe of leave me alone. Not interested in being hit, so regardless of which it is, I’m content with it staying that way. I don’t want attention from most men, at least not the type of attention you’re referring to. If a guy genuinely wants to form a friendship, sure, I’m definitely open to that. But being hit on by a stranger? No thanks. I’m not interested in that type of attention at all.
Honestly, I don’t think men approach women anymore. I am married but I was feeling the same way because I have not been approached in years. I’m in my forties, but in my 20s and 30s I would go through periods where I was constantly approached and I also had my dry spells. I’ve always been told that I’m beautiful/cute/attractive, and even still now I’m told the same thing, however I never get approached. But the environment between men and women is completely different now, and I hear so many attractive women saying that they never get approached anymore. The misogynistic attitude that many men have mixed with the me too movement I believe has drastically decreased the amount of men who will even think about approaching a woman. I still see them looking, but they never say a word, and it can make you feel insecure, but hopefully you feel better knowing that it has nothing to do with you but has everything to do with the climate of today.
I’m not sure if this is a real post. According to your post history you were approached and flirted with about a week ago.
If it’s real, it’s possible that you get hit on less because of your context. For example, young people in college are more likely to approach each other than adults in a coffee shop. I also agree with others that in general men are less willing to cold approach a stranger, with good reason.
In your other post you say you feel bad the guy flirted with you because you’re not even emotionally available. If that’s true, you need to center yourself instead of seeking attention from men for validation. Build your own identity.