I’ve been with my girl for 1 year and 7 months now. We got together after just a week of knowing each other, and we both felt like we had found the perfect partner. We started having sex after 5 months of being together, but we had done a lot of foreplay before that. She had problems with her ex because every time they were supposed to have sex, she felt quite forced into it and went through with it even though she didn’t want to. They started having sex 3 months after meeting, and they broke up after 6 months total. After we started having sex, we were doing it about once a week or less, and she had completely gotten over her past issues. It was really nice, but since January of this year, I haven’t been able to have any physical contact with her at all. Aside from a few failed attempts from her to get close to me—despite clearly not feeling like it—it’s been nothing. In the beginning, it was even worse: she told me that the thought of giving each other passionate kisses made her anxious and she wanted to stop right away because she thought it would definitely lead to something sexual, which she absolutely didn’t want. I endured it for a few months, and that was already really frustrating. Now things have improved a little, but she’s completely lost any desire for sex. Today I asked her if I was the problem, and she always reassures me by saying that she really finds me handsome and attractive—even though, in general, she’s not that into the male body. But I feel like, over time, this is slowly destroying us. We spend a lot of time together and really enjoy being with each other, but every now and then I get stressed in ways I’ve never experienced before, and I feel really unsatisfied overall. Today she wrote to me that she was a little depressed because there was no more intimacy in our relationship and she started to cry a little writing to me that she really doesn’t feel like she can have anything with me. I’m really afraid that the situation won’t get better—I feel like I’m stuck in a loop now. We talk about it every now and then, but she just doesn’t want to, and I have no intention of forcing her. She’s perfect for me. I feel like she’s truly the love of my life, and I can’t stop loving her more and more each day. I hope someone has some advice based on past relationships—because it might just save our relationship.
TL;DR: I’ve been with my girlfriend for 1 year and 7 months, and while our emotional connection is strong, physical intimacy has disappeared since January. She despite her love and attraction for me, feels anxious and disconnected from intimacy and dont feel like having anything with me. I’m deeply in love but increasingly frustrated and emotionally drained, and she feels sad and hopeless about the lack of intimacy. We’re both struggling, unsure how to move forward, but want to save the relationship.
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You two are incompatible. It doesn’t matter who’s fault it is, that’s not the point. You have mismatched expectations of emotional and physical intimacy. This is a dealbreaker in any relationship, young or old. But especially at this young of an age, you need to move on. Yes it hurts and it sucks, but you two are dragging the dead body of a relationship that is clearly not working for either of you.
>even though, in general, she’s not that into the male body.
This was the point where I leaned back and rubbed my forehead.
I’m gonna be blunt here. Best case scenario here, she’s some flavor of asexual. Worst case scenario, you’re dating a closeted lesbian.
>She’s perfect for me.
Uh no. Perfect would imply she was sexually attracted to men. Saying she’s perfect for you is like saying a car without wheels is the perfect car for you.
SHE is not perfect for you. This image of her in your MIND is what’s perfect for you. At some point you have allowed the actual version of this person and the version in your mind of her to completely diverge. Neither of you are viewing this relationship, eachother, or yourselves in any sort of objective light. You’re both relying on intention and hope to carry you over the harsh reality of the situation.
And it’s gotten you this far! But reality always always always wins.
Short of you making some VERY drastic lifestyle and surgical decisions regarding your gender identity, I don’t think this relationship is going the distance, man. I know it’s painful because there’s genuinely love between you, but at some point, if you stay together, resentment is just going to creep in until one or both of you hates the other person.
If you break up before that happens, you can stay friends. You can stay in eachother’s lives. But the psychic damage from trying to make a round peg fit a square hole WILL eventually make that impossible.
It doesn’t sound like you’re quite ready to receive this message. You’re still trying to bargain your way to victory. Just know at some point you’re gonna have to hop off this train before it crashes.
Sorry to the both of you. This sucks.
Yeah this is part of life, meeting a wonderful person that you really love and care about but then finding out that you’re not compatible in a way that is not acceptable to you. Sadly this is what’s Happening Here. She’s not wrong and you’re not wrong, but there’s a lack of an alignment in what you both want. The scenario that she described with her ex sounds very similar to your current situation with the exception that her ex pressured her into having sex with him. I also wonder if he forced himself on her?
Ultimately hears your answer, she either has a really low sex drive (asexual) or some serious issues around having sex. Those issues are for her to explore and come to terms with, not for you to manage. I think that you should call it a day and move on, at 19 you should not be having sexual problems.
Also, just a quick foot note. One of my best friends is asexual. She has never been into sex and when we’ve talked about it, she would tell me that she would just lay there until it was over. I’ve known her for 30 years now, she’s 60 and with a man that is older with than her, so the sex thing has stopped being an issue because he has ED. Just sharing this with you because there are people out there that are asexual
Love alone isn’t enough if one partner is chronically unfulfilled. She might need professional help to work through her past trauma, and you deserve to feel wanted. Don’t ignore your own needs forever.