7years after an immature husband, I had a really kinky situationship with a friend. It was fun and games, I felt safe with him.
(It was just a situationship, because he moved to a different continent a year later)
Then I had a lukewarm 7 years relationship, with mostly dead bedroom.
And now, even talking to potential doms freaks me out.
Hard boundaries stomped (in text) not believing in aftercare…
But the fact, that these men wants to do these things to me from the getgo, is scary too.
Like I like choking, humiliating and praise combo, manhandling, bondage… oh and roleplay, I even liked cnc.
I deleted myself off every app again, with a bit disapointment.
Comments
… What’s the question?
I feel like not believing in aftercare is an easy way to get banned off a kink site.
Are you on fetlife at all? Don’t get me wrong, that site has LOADS of issues, but if you find a community where you live, they tend to weed out the real creeps and UBER ALPHA DOMS with the munches and non kink social events. Go to some of those, make friends with other women and y’all can keep each other safe.
Most men who call themselves doms have no idea what it actually means. They just like to be selfish in bed and use you as a sex toy. You’ll maybe have better luck finding someone sexually compatible somewhere like FetLife.
I get you! I’m a masochist and I feel the best relationship is with a man who is not so into that but willing to do that because of me 😂The men who claim themselves sadist are more likely to have mental problems
Be extra careful with choking, it’s statistically the most dangerous kink. Only do it with people who have actually trained in breath play somewhere, it’s just too easy to have a mistake happen.
But I agree with the person above who recommended munches- get involved with your local scene, worry a little less about the dating aspect and a little more about the community aspect, and things should fall into place.
Fake or wanna-be Doms are an issue everywhere.
Your best bet is to find a kink group that hosts vanilla events in public spaces and get to know people that way. The predators (usually, but not always unfortunately) tend to avoid these.
Stay safe and good luck!
“ I felt safe with him “. This is the key to successful kinks. No matter what you are doing, how out there you get …you need to know your partner will stop if you want him to stop.
Feeling safe can lead to very adventurous sex.
Most of these so-called “doms” are actually just abusers in fetish clothing.
They do not give a fuck about aftercare because you’re just a fleshlight to fulfill their own fantasies.
Finding a real one is like finding a needle in a haystack.
I recommend investigating your local fetish community. Go to a munch. Not all communities are equal, but look for one that leans younger in its membership, has LGBTQ+ members and proactively educates members about risk aware (enthusiastic) consent. Ask the organisers to tell you about a time they had to manage a complaint and how they handled it.
If you can find a community that shares your values this is likely the best place to meet someone(s) you can explore this stuff with
Careful with choking. It needs to be taken very seriously and with a trusting experienced partner. The cutting of blood flow to the brain is no laughing matter and while the thrill might feel great, it can leave permanent damage.
With that said and done – trust is everything. Open communication is everything. Entering in these kinds of intimate relationships needs to come with a very very clear understanding of boundaries, limits and what you are and aren’t willing to do. I believe in a healthy balance, I believe men are capable of having the right mindset, but you NEED to not be shy about the topic and be very very upfront.
Yeah, you have to be kinky safely and do it with doms that know what they are doing and do it with safety and respect.
I feel this in my soul. I lucked into my partner, in that we figured out that we’re extremely sexually compatible early in the sexual relationship, but that didn’t start until we’d been together for years (long story lol). So love and trust was there first. Then we realize we have the same kinks lol.
I’ve seen how other “doms” talk to “subs” via friends of mine and honestly it’s often frightening. They’re not doms, they’re selfish sadists with no respect for partners and potential partners.
I’d say dating apps are not the way to go here. There’s tons of fantastic communities online that may be able to help you explore safely and properly.
If you’re comfortable sharing where you are in the world (doesn’t have to be specific) I can point you to some.
Don’t settle for an asshole or abusive fake dom just to scratch the itch.
I love a good Dom but damn any man who calls the title is just awful at it. Which is why I don’t have a Dom lol
Fake Doms are everywhere, most are just abusers and misogynists who figured out that they can hijack the title and use it to subjugate others. The thing about BDSM is that it’s built on trust and consent of both parties before ever engaging in any of the dynamics. Anyone who wants to jump right into talking about what they want to do to you, before you’ve built a proper rapport based upon respect and care, anyone who disregards the importance of safety, aftercare, boundaries, etc. is just an automatic red flag and doesn’t deserve your time.
Slightly off topic but how are you finding out whether a guy is a dom?
OP, choking is inherently unsafe. It’s cutting off blood supply to the brain. You may not feel the damage at the time. There is no safe way to do it despite what porn tells you.
Choking is not kink. You could be killed by being strangled. Please be careful.
One of the primary motivations for desiring domination is being forced to accept pleasure. Forced to enjoy things without the unnecessary baggage of guilt. A good Dom enjoys forcing someone, with a firm hand, to enjoy the pleasures their body is capable of. It requires knowing what your partner wants and what they enjoyed in past interactions. A bad Dom is only interested in what they want, in what they enjoy, and using others to get it.
When what you want and enjoy is aligned with your Dom, it can be tricky to tell the difference. Listen to your gut and look for green flags, like whether they have an active interest in your wants and desires.
Something an actual Dom told me:
These guys are just tops masquerading as Doms. Being a dom includes respecting all boundaries and aftercare is always a must.
Throw out the tops and find a real dom before you ever even think about meeting. Your safety is paramount.
As a pleasure dom, it has come to my (very unfortunate) attention that most men who claim domship (and some women or NB people) are entirely selfish in the practical aspect of that word. They talk a big game but when it comes down to brass tacks, they ignore signs (whether bodily or vocal), ignore boundaries, ect.
My only advice (maybe unwanted/unwarranted) would be to vet the absolute hell out of anyone who claims they’re a dom.
I’m really sorry youre having a rough go at it. Keep your head up!
May I suggest women? Trans men? Or Bi guys? Empathy is a big part of being a dom and you will definitely get more from those groups than from straight cis-men on average.
It will be a patient man playing the long game that will work for you.
But it’s not impossible, just as challenging as dating and then extra for specifics.
My best friend had a boyfriend that claimed he wanted to get into kink while I was living with them.
She knew I was experienced (we knew each other for years before she got into it, and then she saw me at a munch, and saw that I was pretty active in the community myself a few years prior to us living together), and asked me if I’d be okay with explaining things to him and teaching him about safety, aftercare, boundaries, etc… the basics. I had no problem with it, I was happy to oblige.
One thing she was really into, and he claimed he wanted to learn, was knife play.
Knife play is dangerous, not just because knives are sharp – they also need to be cleaned and sanitized before and after every use. Period. Infections are just as terrifying as knife wounds. And yes, they are sharp – stating the obvious.
Anyway, I got a brand new butter knife to use to teach him the dos and don’ts, and he immediately got upset that it wasn’t a *real knife”. Red flag as fuck.
I explained to him that he would never touch her with a sharp knife if he didn’t learn the basics, and so he asked for a demo with a real knife.
I asked my best friend if she was okay with that, and she said that she absolutely trusted me, so it was okay.
While I was wiping one of my knives down, I explained to him that asking for consent was the FIRST, and MOST IMPORTANT part of anything kink-related. Full-stop. Consent. Clearly stated. Every time. The SECOND is respecting boundaries. The third is safety – you should not engage in anything you don’t have experience in without having someone teach you how to properly do it.
He acted like he was listening intently, but basically blew me off. And then had the nerve to get mad, after asking me to show him, because she enjoyed herself. Red flag #2.
He then started getting involved in the local kink scene, going to munches and basically hunting for a third, unbeknownst to us – without talking to my best friend about it. When he found someone that was willing, he then started pressuring my best friend to try to impose a threesome on her. And because he was a good bullshitter, the community didn’t realize what kind of dirtbag he was – they didn’t know him that well, and he pushed some bullshit about “being new to the area, but involved back home”. He even had the “third” convinced that he’d already gotten the okay from my best friend.
And then he fucked up, and brought her over one day. We were confused, but she explained the situation from her end while he was outside smoking – and my best friend and I were appalled.
At that point, I was done with him. I ran out to the front porch (in front of the girl he’d brought over “as a friend”) and ripped him a new asshole. I also told him that, not only did he ruin his chance of ever getting a threesome, he quite possibly just ruined his whole relationship. Which, spoiler alert, he did.
Because for him, it was never about exploring kink, whether for his own or to be supportive of her interests – kink was just a gateway that he was trying to use to basically force his will on her to use her (and other women) as sex toys.
A lot happened after that, that’s irrelevant to this subject so I’ll skip it. But my best friend is fine, in a happy, healthy relationship with a dom that is 100% the kind of man I would’ve looked up to as a baby kinkster.
Anyway, this motherfucker had the nerve to reach out to me a few months later, trying to be cool with me after he did what he did. Because he felt like he did nothing wrong.
I’m not saying that all men are like that – I’m certainly not – but with the rise in social acceptance (and even popularity) of kink, the number of shitty people trying to be a part of the community has massively spiked. And since they are typically shunned (from any decent community), they instead try to act like they know what they’re doing in private conversations (internet, text, etc…) and end up endangering less-experienced women who believe them. Several women have lost their lives due to accidental killings by guys like this. And their shitty friends will absolutely cover for them, to give them false credibility, in order to help them “score”.
What’s the point of me telling this story? Well, you already know that you need to be careful, so I’m not going to say that.
Get involved in the local community, build friendships, learn from them, etc… but even in the community, even if you meet someone through people you trust, always keep your eyes peeled. And don’t engage directly with someone alone unless you explicitly trust them. Usually there are a few members of the community that good people look up to, and shitty people avoid – they are usually a good place to start. I got my start through a lovely couple in their 60s, who had been practicing kink for decades, back when I got into it – and they were the first ones to back me up when I confronted some… less than savory individuals in the community.
A rule I use for myself, and advise for others who may be comfortable with the idea, is to never play with a new partner for the first time alone – even if you don’t have someone directly watching you, having someone you trust nearby is just safer for everyone involved. I personally try to engage with new potential play partners at dungeon parties (usually with a mutual friend with experience), specifically so they know that I am a safe, trustworthy dom, and anything I’m willing to do for them is something I have people to vouch for my experience with.
Our preferences with that are different, so mileage may vary lol.
And the funniest part for me – my wife of five years, whom I adore more than anything in this whole world, is vanilla as fuck – and I’m perfectly okay with it lol.
Anyway, sorry to leave such a long comment. But kink is something I am passionate about, yet something I’ve seen go terribly, horribly wrong too many times, and I wish that on no one.
I hope that you’re able to find yourself a good community, and find exactly what you’re looking for.
What about local meetups? I met a lot of cool folks in the BDSM scene and loved my years involved in various local orgs. There were always a few who were better to not deal with, but the community was pretty good at protecting folks, especially new ones.
One of my doms found out another harbored… not safe thoughts about what he would like to do with me so I was forbidden from being alone with him at all and word was quietly put out about why.
There are sites and clubs ( in or around ur city prolly ) that are solely for kink people.
There’s a podcast on this in the nut report, only recently in the last couple of weeks if I’m not mistaken. A lot of men are using this is an excuse to violate women. The best thing you can ask a potential Dom is what safety measures to the hold in the bed room, or, how do you keep situations safe? It helps to weed out the abusers.
I can be a little liberated too. I have no idea how I am going to navigate that as a trans woman now.
Probably stick to dating other trans people I guess. 🤷♀️
I wish I had a good answer for you. I think it is less common for doms to be “good”, than to be problematic. That was my experience in the past. If I switched, of course boundaries respected, compassionate conversation and snuggles after, etc.
I wish you luck for finding someone respectful in the future.
Most of the men that claim they are doms just like taking their aggressions out on a lady under the disguise of sex. Most of them are fucked in the head. And if you ask them why they like it they haven’t thought about it. I don’t trust them.
Find your local kink community, you will probably have better luck at a fetish club because there is ideally some kind of vetting and consent education before anyone even makes it through the door, as well as security on hand.
Aftercare is a MUST and mark of a good Don that knows and understands their responsibility to you and the role they play.
A good DOM will discuss with you your boundaries, safety words and know how and when to push a boundary so both of you have an enjoyable experience.
A lot of people thinking they are DOM’s do NOT understand the culture and just want to be some Knock off, thrift store version of Christian Gray.
A dom who doesn’t believe in aftercare is no dom at all.