Posting on a ghost account because I’m so ashamed of myself. I am so disappointed and mad at myself for what I have done. It weighs so heavy on me every day, I feel like I don’t deserve to do the things I like because of what I did. I understand if I get hate I just need advice.
I’m a stay at home mom who was sick every single day while I was pregnant. I felt like I lost everything social wise. I didn’t go one day without puking for about 8 months. I felt like my life was over about 6 months of watching her every single day without a break. I thought my boyfriend would give me breaks but I nerve got one so I stopped asking. We were splitting rent with his mom in a two bedroom apartment and she was not a good roommate. Not the point of this post but one day my boyfriend brought his friend over after work around 3 am and the day before I had a talk with my bf that hey I think nut tapping is childish can you not do that anymore. Then he told his friend that day to stop. That night his friend came he said to me “what so you don’t want me touching *** dick anymore?” I stormed off to my room with my baby. Trying so hard to calm down but I felt trapped. I wanted to leave so bad but I couldn’t. I wanted so badly to grab the keys and leave with my baby but that would be so dangerous as I didn’t know how to drive at the time. I hadn’t drove since I gave birth. I put my baby on the bed and looked away from her and started yelling. I saw my daughters face drain and get scared of me. I tried not to look at her, just look the other direction or hide below the bed so she couldn’t see me and associate this sound with me. My boyfriend came and grabbed her. I couldn’t stop yelling after that. I lost control. I woke up his mom.
I’m never doing anything like that again. I felt stupid and childish and so mad at myself immediately. We moved into our own apartment. And when she was 7 months old she started crawling. 8 months old she was everywhere and she stopped letting me do ANYTHING. I couldn’t pee, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t cook, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t play with her she would just take the toys and run off, I wasn’t talking to ANYONE my best friend went to college and my boyfriend worked nights. She started to make me feel so unmotivated to do anything because she would just cry if she couldn’t do it with me. I started getting frustrated and yelling at her. Things like “I’m right here” “I don’t want to cook but I have to” “I have to eat I’m sorry” “I have to do the dishes I’m sorry” “I have to shower I’m sorry” things like that. Or when she started resisting me changing her diaper or clothes is when I started getting drained. She drained me so bad, she hated any time I tried to do something. Even brush my hair she would cry or whine. She just wanted me right next to her. I started resenting my boyfriend because she wouldn’t be so attached to me and maybe I could go piss without listening to her cry if he would have just given me breaks and let my baby know she’s okay without me. I started grunting when I would get mad. I HAVE NEVER DONE THAT. It’s like being a mom has made me a different person. I don’t feel like a person anymore. Just a box of mom stuff and I’m even failing at that. I stopped yelling at about 2 months maybe 3 after that. I just had some meaningful talks with myself. Like how I’m not proud of how I am or who I am right now. I yelled in my daughter’s face maybe twice but I always strained myself so it wasn’t yelling but it was loud. I just don’t know how to get her to learn to just let me do things like cook or wash my hands or shower or brush my hair or just clean.
When I started yelling I started kind of backing out of being a mom, I was so disappointed in myself after yelling at her that I would get on my phone and just ignore everything and think about what else I could do and that I hate doing that but I don’t know what else to do. I definitely didn’t teach her enough or do the things I wanted to do with her. Like teaching her what things are, some mobile skills, things like that. The whole 7 month mark was me talking to her, and I understand that she doesn’t understand what I’m saying but she would still cry the same cries even if I don’t yell. It’s like I yelled to give me something else to listen to at that moment because the cries or whines we’re gonna make my head pop. I now yell daily it feels like I can’t go back now. Nothing like it was before. Just no or stop but sometimes i definitely over do it because after that first explosion I had I have felt like I can’t calm myself regularly. I was not like this before I got pregnant. I practiced so many things while pregnant. Idk where I went wrong.
These past two months I’ve been trying to find a therapist in my area. So far nothing takes my insurance. I know I need therapy. I need to work on self motivation, self confidence, self discipline, and self regulation. I know what I need to do but I don’t know how to do it.
My daughter is not as happy as she used to be. She used to smile every time I looked at her but I’ve watched it fade since I started yelling. I still get it sometimes but I can tell it’s affected her. And because of that I’m so mad at myself. I want that happy girl back. I am looking for it every day. But then I fuck up every day. Liek i try so hard i just don’t know what to do. She whines in her sleep so much and I’m scared she’s having nightmares of me because idk what else she would be crying about. Me taking things away from her that she’s not supposed to have and having attitude, yelling no when she touches the tv or remotes, touching the trash, touching the toilet. Like I tried so hard to take away everything she isn’t supposed to mess with because that’s how I see babies but I literally can’t do anything else. I know I want to redirect and stuff but she’s already grunting liek me when she gets mad and gets mad when I redirect her because I’ve done it very wrong in the past by just picking her up not that I guess nicely away from things she’s not supposed to have and put her in her play area to cry so I can get back to what I was doing. So selfish oh my god. She plays by herself so good she barely plays with me because i basically ignored her trying to play with me when I started yelling at her because I felt so bad and guilty to just turn around and play with her.
Guys I’m just looking for advice for my baby. I beat myself up over what I’ve done every day. I want to make sure my daughter isn’t messed up for life. I want to stop yelling. I want to be gentle again. I feel like a monster like I can’t get back in control. My head is so so so fast. I want my daughter to have fun with me and want to be around me and play with me. It’s the opposite for me and my mom which is probably why I’m struggling so bad.
Comments
I probably can’t help you since I am only 18 and have no experience to fix that or give advice on that. But I lived a house like this, still live and always getting yelled by my family member. She is really angry and keep yelling at me and starting arguments out of nowhere and doesn’t realize what she is, how angry she is. And my biggest fear is getting affected by it. She is like this since I was a child. I love her but this is truly a nightmare. I wish my sister were kind of like you about self-realizing. What you did was not good at all but at least you have realized yourself and it is in your hand to be more careful about it, fix it. You are not that person you thought. I don’t know if this helps but it is what it is.
Darling, you need a break. You can’t be everything for anyone, not even your child. Can you put her into some form of child care or get a friend to look after her for even an hour at a time.
You can not pour from an empty cup, and it sounds like your cup is a desert. You need to find some way to fill your cup so you have something to give.
Please try to release the guilt. The problem with guilt is that it pulls you further down. Find a way to acknowledge what happened so you can know you don’t want to do it again, but try to remember you are doing your best with the small amount of energy you have.
I really hope you can find help local to you. Do reach out, asking for help is strong.
Baby’s brains are malleable, so if you start correcting your behavior and change right now, it won’t be “too late”. Start creating a better environment for her and I bet you’ll see the results reflecting in her quickly. I really doubt that you traumatized her permanently. Just make the decision to do better from now on and she’ll be fine.
Taking care of a child is a lot even when both parents are doing a lot of the care. It’s understandable for emotions to just come out in stressful situations. It’s human. Your human. Just try your best to do your best for your child. It seems like you are actively trying to do that with finding a therapist. Just keep trying to play with her and stuff
It’s not too late to change. You recognize the problem that’s the first step. Ask for help, set boundaries, demand your “you time” so you can decompress and build up the time you’re away from your child. You need the space and she needs desensitized from you being away a little at a time to know you will come back.
It will be hard, but the path you are on isn’t good for either of you. Forgive yourself!! You are young and being a mom is hard.
Tell your manchild to step up or you might as well do it yourself, you basically are anyhow.
Her light will come back, make her feel safe, secure and smile and laugh with and around her.
talk to your doctor if you can’t get in with a therapist, they can help. you may have postpartum depression which i was surprised to learn can last up to three years, for me it took 2 1/2. it can be very hard on us as new moms as it’s hard to understand why you’re so different than how you were before having a baby, you do feel like a completely different person bc having a baby changes you so much. please contact your doctor asap. they can help.
Hey, mom to mom you re not doing a bad job you are just burnt out. It can be VERY taxing to take care of your kid while your mental health is struggling. Your hormones are not the same for almost 2 years after birth, and it’s hard to change your ENTIRE life. It sounds like your spouse is less helpful than he should be, and I’m wondering if there is anyone you can ask for some help from to take a breather? It’s awesome you are seeing the issue and working to resolve it, and I hope you get into therapy soon.
You did what you could with the power you were able. That alone makes you a terrific mother compared to what some are willing to do out there.
You have limits and you cracked a little. It’s fine to crack. Though as a parent to a younger it helps to do it in solitude.
Sometimes it’s better to be a single parent than trying to depend on a useless person.
Bringing home a friend at 3am is not parental behaviour.
You’re far stronger than most out there. When your child scans their memory banks when they’re older. They’re going to appreciate the shit out of you.
But for the next decade or two. Expect a damn lot of heart ache. Both because of and for them. You’re doing great. Sure anyone can simply “do better”. The first step is realising it. Keep it up and you’ll be mother of the year in no time. Good luck!
You seem to be a single mother without help from your man. I was there with my first child, without the yelling, but yes it hurts to see your child’s eyes be affected when you look at them. First, you need to walk, it helps. Take the baby to the library for outside entertainment. The park, around the block,and to the neighborhood market.
Second, read books outloud. The baby needs to hear the sound of your voice without anger. You already said you’re looking for a therapist. Call your insurance and ask for a list of doctors.
You seem to be losing yourself. All my kids followed me to the restroom, cried if they needed something. You need a break before you break. Just know it gets easier and get some birth control. You don’t need added stress while you work on yourself.
Hey there.
Mom of a toddler here.
First, hugs. This is one of the hardest jobs anyone can take on. It’s often terrifying and frustrating and you are not bad for feeling scared, frustrated and tired.
Since you asked for advice, I’m going to address a few things.
First, your baby is acting totally normally. I still can’t go to the bathroom on my own. Little ones want to be glued to you. But it may help to reframe your thinking about this: they don’t know how to be human. They need to learn everything, from eating to walking to, well, literally everything. So everything you do for them is just a new thing they want to absorb and learn. They are not trying to be a nuisance or mess things up. They’re just learning, and that’s how humans learn to human.
For showering, my little one would sit outside the shower and cry. He could still see me, and I would talk to him and sing songs to him, but he still cried. For a while. Then we’d sing “wheels on the bus” and he’d smile and sing along. Maybe that will work for you?
For cooking, maybe let her play with some baking pans. She can’t hurt them, just toss them around to feel like she’s helping. Praise her for wanting to be involved! Remember, she’s just learning.
When you are really frustrated, something I do is out a 3 second delay between the stimulus and my response. Just wait 3 seconds before you respond. Even just 3 second is usually enough for the anger to become muted and for you to remember “hey, she’s just learning.”
On that note, “no” isn’t always that effective on toddlers. They can’t understand broad prohibitions except by just being afraid to do things–in this case because they will get yelled at. A way more effective tool is distracting. They want to play with alright they shouldn’t? “Oh hey, Mommy found this fun toy to play with, I hope no one else wants to play with it.” Showing interest in a toy, missing the behavior of playing with it, can be very effective. Then just remove the thing you didn’t want them to play with
It’s hard. A lot of times you just have to cook and work around them. It’s just the name of the game. And really, some of the best advice is to include then wherever you can. I did something called the “baby cooking show” where I would just narrate my cooking to him and tell him everything I was doing as I was doing it. That helped to make him feel included.
Sorry this turned out so long. I hope some of this helps you
It sounds like you need a break. The good news is you are aware of what is happening and want to do something to change it so it doesn’t continue… there is your power for you and your daughter. Forgive yourself, parenting is tough. Seek help and support where needed to give yourself the breaks and space you need. Your daughter is still young so you can turn this around. Every moment is another opportunity to turn things around. Wishing you and your daughter all the very best 🫂🙏🏻
Welcome to mom guilt!
It never goes away, you just learn to cope.
You sound young, isolated, and overwhelmed. That’s hard for anyone as a parent. If you never get a break, how are you supposed to reset? How are you supposed to breathe?
You need to put the baby in your boyfriend’s lap and leave. He’s an adult, he’ll figure it out. Stay at home mom does not mean that he’s off the hook for any child care. Get out of the house for awhile and NOT FOR ERRANDS. Stop asking for breaks if he’s not giving them. Tell him that you’re taking them. Change the wifi password if you have to.
She is acting like a normal kid, and you are acting like a normal mother. Parenting is especially tiring with no support, make sure you put yourself first for a set amount of time a week and make sure you arrange some sort of support or a few hours off per week.
You are doing a great job given your circumstances. You will both be OK. Parenting is hard. Hang in there.