I have been with my boyfriend for 3 and a half years and we’ve been doing long distance for 2/3 of those years. I only live 2 hours away and we make things work. We take turns visiting each other every week. We show up for each other all the time. Our relationship kinda went down hill once the distance began in terms of balance and communication, it seems like we still struggle to get the balance and communication right these days. For the last 10 months, I chronically bring up that I need to know when I can plan on us moving in together as I am about to go back to med school and I never get a response or a very avoidant one. I work full time and am currently saving like crazy while living with my family rent/bills free. I moved home to save up money because school is expensive and made this sacrifice as my boyfriend wasn’t ready to live together a year and a half into dating so I had to succumb to living with my family as a desperate choice. Prior to moving home, my boyfriend chronically brought up living together and how he thinks about it ALL the time. And then when it came time to move, he never gave me an answer.
For some more context as to why I’m scared he’s leading me on: my boyfriend has admitted a few times that he was with his previous ex before me for a year and a half and saw it going nowhere/wasn’t in love with her and that warranted her breaking up with him. On top of that, he was nowhere close to moving in with her.
Then, he was with his only other ex through college for about 3 and a half years. He also wasn’t in love with her and kept saying no to moving in together and creating a future together, he was mentally tapped out of the relationship for a while. The girl put her life on hold waiting on him and moved from the west coast to follow him to another state all for him to lead her on and say no to living together and a breakup initiated by her immediately followed.
Both of his 2 exes broke up with him because of this avoidant behavior. Hearing the context with his exes made me feel some type of way as we have been together the same amount of time as his first ex girlfriend and he keeps avoiding the topic of living together. I am the first person he’s dated he’s ever pictured a future with and been in love with. He adores me, spoils me, gives me the world but the avoidant tendencies is a no from me as I dealt this with with my ex who was a physical and emotional abuser.
It’s like he’s hot and cold about the subject and it drives me up a wall because I’m getting older and I want to pursue my dreams and annoyingly settled for school where he lives. One moment we’re in homegoods and I’m asking if we can start buying stuff to save for when we are ready and he says yes and then a month later is like I can’t talk about this right now, I’m not ready to think. He always excuses it like “I’m not ready to think that far ahead into the future” or “I can’t think that much in advance about where I’m at” or “that’s so far ahead I don’t have an answer for you if I’ll be ready to participate in this timeline” and I find it quite selfish as I am sacrificing going to school where I wanna go to school to cater to him not compromising moving. It’s like he’s leading me on the same way he did with his first ex girlfriend. I’m not sure what to do at this point as I am madly in love with him as he is in love with me and we mutually see a future together and discuss our future all the time but it feels like I’m waiting around on nothing.
I don’t have it in me to wait around on someone who’s lived alone for over a decade by himself who’s clearly not ready to give up his independence. What do I even do at this rate? I do not have the tolerance to wait around for him to be ready especially when I want to be engaged by year 5/6. It bothers me so much because for example: his best friend and his girlfriend have been together for ONLY a year and they just bought a HOUSE. All of his other friends in relationships are ENAGED and sharing a space together!!!! On average, most of his friends told me they moved in w their s/o at least a year into dating if not LESS. He’s the ONLY one standing who has lived alone his entire adulthood. I know comparison is the thief of joy but I hate watching all of his friends be at peace with their s/o and living situations while he sits around and leads me on. It’s also tiring when my bf tells me about his friends situations and how at the end of the day, the men have always compromised meanwhile, but he refuses. I feel defeated because my anxiety is telling me that there is an underlying factor he refuses to communicate with me as to why he’s not ready. Maybe he’s scared of what I’ll think, do, react? Maybe I said something condescending about his space that made him feel weird?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
You’re not on the same page. You seem to be in a hurry to settle down and get married and he’s not there.
Either:
Cool your jets
Move on
I don’t know why you’re in a competition with your friends and want to trap yourself and him. Maybe you need to look at your motivations and take care of yourself first
You already know the answer but you are scared to go through with the consequences. You know he is leading you on, you know he is avoiding planning the future, you know you won’t be engaged or living together when you want, you already sacrificed going to your dream
School for him, while he is still comfortable doing the same as always…..girl know your worth, he is going to be leading you in for years, and in 5 years in the future what tells you that he’ll be ready? What you know for sure is that he is avoidant and that he’s not doing anything to change or prioritise you. Put yourself first
My advice would be to live your life and stop waiting for him. Stop making decisions that cater to him and be just as selfish as him. Once he sees that you are not at his mercy, IF it’s true that you are different from the exes in the sense that he does see a future with you, he will become afraid to lose you and stop stalling. But don’t do it waiting for that to happen, just do it for your own sake. Eventually, you will create such a self sufficient life that it won’t even be that hard to break up with him (if it comes to that).
Stop pursuing him, stop bringing the future up, stop waiting for him. Do what you want to do, make plans for YOU.
A lot of people will say “what’s the point of staying in the relationship then?”, well, it might be easier to do those things you want to do with the support of a partner (if it’s harder then leave), some relationships although don’t provide much in terms of a future, provide a lot in terms of the present.
Stay at your parents and save $ while you are in med school. Focus on completing your education, you will probably be busy studying. Your bf is not ready to commit. Stop pressuring him. Maybe he is worried that all financial responsibility will fall on him. Medical school is demanding, and often students are not able to hold a job.
He’s definitely leading you on. A guy can tell you he is in love with you all day but his ACTIONS really tell you how he feels about you. Move on and find someone who actually wants what you want and really is in love with you because he isn’t.
I honestly don’t think this guy sounds like he is capable of giving love or being in love.
“I never get a response or a very avoidant one.” His avoidance is a response. You understand what it means. “It’s like he’s leading me on the same way he did with his first ex girlfriend.” Yes, it is. And remember, that’s not just about whether to live together. I don’t see why you sound so sure “he is in love with me.” He was in two long-term relationships with women he tells you he didn’t love. It seems pretty likely he spent those 5 years telling them that he did.
Why are you making sacrifices on where you go to med school? Stop making sacrifices for someone who is unwilling to make any compromises. It’s been 3 1/2 years and still you live separately with no end in sight because he does not communicate why. The writing is on the wall. Go to the school you want to go to. Stop putting your life on hold for a man who clearly doesn’t see a future with you. If he did you’d already be living together with an engagement ring on your finger.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think you can do better.
He’s told you repeatedly that he’s not that into you.
When he finds the right one, he’ll be motivated.
He’s comfortable in the relationship, but you’re not his forever.
It’ll last until you get sick of it and dump him, or until he meets the one.
Early 30’s and dating for 3 years is a situation where most normal couples would be at the minimum living together and at max engaged/married. Reads like serious commitment issues. His timeline is nebulous at best, non-existent at worst. Yours is set. That’s clear cut incompatiblity so pondering on whether or not you’re being lead on is kind of pointless.
You recognize that he has patterns that demonstrate the inability to functionally progress any milestone short of letting his relationships collapse when push comes to shove. The hot/cold moments scream that he has psychological hang ups around living with others. So unless he acknowledges that and is willing to address those fears in therapy, you’re wasting precious time.
Worst case, he just doesn’t feel that way about you and just wants to not be single, or he is cheating. All of these are possibilities. Regardless of what they are, none of it is worth your time.
As a female Avoidant, leave.
NOW.
Pack your shit and go.
If he really cared about you and your future together, the way he would fight those Avoidant attachment tendencies is incredible.
He doesn’t want to be with you.
If I didn’t want to be with someone when I was younger, this is exactly how I behaved.
It’s literally just to get those dopamine hits by someone wanting you enough to put their entire life on hold for you.
However, I’ve also done a TON of therapy, and I’m medicated.
So I stopped doing this a LONG time ago.
If I’m not interested, I disengage. I tell them I’m not interested and move on. I don’t use them for dopamine hits like what your boyfriend is doing to you.
Seriously, go to school where you want and get out.
Move on with your life, and tell him to keep up or break up. You deserve someone who will commit to a healthy relationship.
I would get ready for medical school, and tell him you are planning that without him because you can see that he’s not going to step up. Ask him if you are wrong. If he doesn’t step up and commit decisively, then you have your answer, and just keep moving on away without him.
Medical school is going to take all your attention. You don’t need his drama draining your energy and creating a distraction.
You are anxious because you are going against your instincts. This man does seem to want to commit to anyone. He may have his reasons and those are his to work out, if he chooses. You also have a choice – accept his avoidance or be done with it. You could try couples’ counseling but something tells me he won’t want to do that.
One crazy idea – he is just happy living alone. He may talk about living together because that is what society expects couples to do or to get married. So many people try to live the life that society and family expect, but sometimes that doesn’t make them happy.
At the end of the day, this is your life. If he isn’t ready to commit, there isn’t anything you can do. You are going to be insanely busy and unavailable while in med school and then residency. You could keep him around so you have a BF to talk to , but I don’t see where you will have the time or energy to devote this relationship, especially if he isn’t meeting you half-way.
No decision (on his part) IS a decision. You already have the information you need. Move on with your life and do what is best for you.
Behavior is a language.
What’s his behavior telling you?
Don’t act like you do not have any agency in this situation .
He’s happy the way things are . You are not.
Read about the sunk cost fallacy . You’re thinking about how much time and effort you’ve put into this relationship.. what you need to do is set all of that aside and say if this is the way it’s gonna be going forward am I interested in this? And right now it says you are not.