First off, I’m ok, I’m going through a rough patch in my life and I know that this will eventually pass. That being said I’ve had the thought of just wanting things to end. I’m a college student taking pre-vet classes and working part-time. I love college and my job but lately I’ve dreaded going to school, I hate all the things I have to do, but most of all, I hate how no matter how much I study I’m not seeing results. My GPA is 2.65, ever since my second semester (I’m currently a junior) I have tried and failed to raise it. I’m a C student and despite being told and shown that GPA isn’t everything and that I don’t need a 4.0 for vet school. However, in order to actually have a chance I need a competitive GPA, the best and fastest way is via getting a 4.0 for a few semesters.
I quiz myself, I go over study guides and review, I schedule meetings with my professors and I never hesitate to ask questions, I study ungodly amounts of time and I don’t see shit in return. This cycle has repeated over and over and I keep dragging myself to classes. I feel like I’m going crazy with this same exact scenario. I also have thoughts of dropping out and taking a year or two off but I don’t want that, I’m scared if I do that then my loans would be due and my university won’t let me back in.
I used to love college, I think I still do. But holy shit I just keep getting beat down.
Another thing I’d like to mention is that I’ve always felt “behind the curve.” I can’t explain it really but for as long as I can remember I was different. I do have ADHD and I’m medicated but I don’t think it’s my ADHD. I’ve never been tested for autism but I don’t even know if itd be worth testing for. I fear that this feeling is just me being stupid and knowing it, after all who else would study as hard as I am and get the same results as me. I think a part of the reason I want to be a vet is so I can “prove” myself. Show people that I’m not behind and I’m smart and capable.
I’ve also had a major life change recently, my mom and I left my abusive stepdad, I’m glad he’s out of our lives but sometimes something will send me back to the night we left him, I’m able to comeback from this quickly but it happens often.
I get the thought that I just want everything to end, I want the noise to be silent and I want all this fucking weight off my shoulders. I hate myself and not a day goes by where I don’t want to claw my arms to ribbons. I don’t want to harm myself and I don’t want to end my life, but I don’t want to be put in a mental hospital.
I go to therapy every other week and sometimes more depending on my mental state. I’ve told my therapist about my self-harm thoughts but I haven’t told him the whole truth. I have scratched at my arms, I have told him about the thoughts of wanting things to end. I’m too scared to be put in a hospital.
I can’t afford it, my mom can’t afford it. Not only financially but mentally, emotionally, academically, not to mention what my extended family will think. They’ll think I’m more mentally unstable than I am and they would be right to think college was a mistake for me. I have two friends but it’s difficult to reach out, I have little life outside of work and school. I know I need help, but I can’t go to a hospital, it would ruin me.
Comments
You’re not broken. You’re burnt out, under-supported, and stuck in a system that punishes the exact kind of effort you’re giving. That doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means the system’s failing you.
Here’s the real: telling your therapist the full truth doesn’t automatically land you in a hospital. They only go that route if you’re an immediate danger to yourself or others. And you’re not saying “I’m about to do something,” you’re saying “I’m overwhelmed and scared by what I’m thinking.” That distinction matters. A good therapist knows the difference.
Right now you’re doing all the hard shit—working, studying, surviving trauma—and blaming yourself for not thriving through it. Of course you’re exhausted. Of course your brain is screaming for a break. Doesn’t mean you’re not capable, it means you’re carrying way too much alone.
Tell your therapist everything. You need a space where you’re not performing. No one gets better hiding half the truth. You’re not gonna get locked away—you’re gonna get real support, finally.
And fwiw? C students get into vet school too. Especially the ones who’ve been through hell and still show up. That kind of grit matters more than a 4.0.
You’re not behind
You’re not broken
You’re not alone
Say it all
Suicidal ideation is not the same as suicidal intent. Telling someone you’re thinking about it is very different from telling someone you have a full plan. If you tell a therapist you’re thinking about it, they’re unlikely to have you hospitalized. They may ask if that’s what you want, and you have every right to say no.
Not everyone is built to learn the way college teaches. I’ve always been terrible at exams and tests, but excelled at essays and practical work. I could study and study and study for a written test and get a shitty mark, barely passing, but you have me do the actual practical things, and I would get high marks.
You sound overwhelmed and desperate for help and support. I get being afraid to ask for help, for being afraid of what people will think of you, how they’ll judge you, and I even get being afraid you’ll be carted off to a hospital against your will.
Honestly, if you told your therapist you were having suicidal thoughts given you’ve engaged in self-harm, I doubt he’d be all that surprised. He’s probably surprised you haven’t already mentioned suicidal thoughts. But so long as you make it clear you’ve just been thinking about it, because it means peace and stillness, rather than having an actual plan and intent, he’s unlikely to try and force you into a hospital.
Tell him. If worse comes to worse, you can always just leave the office. Maybe tell a friend that you’re planning to tell your therapist something big, and you’re concerned he may decide to have you hospitalised. So that if you don’t call/text them within x amount of time after the appointment, they need to alert your family, so they can try and get you out. I realise this means possibly trusting a friend/family member more than you’re ready to at this point, but if you can find someone you can trust who will do as you ask without demanding details, do for your own peace of mind, if nothing else.
But please tell him. Tell him while it’s still just idle thoughts, and before it comes a solid plan.
You should confide in your therapist. Tell him the whole truth, just like you said it here.
Important distinction:
Suicidal ideation = “having thoughts or ideas centered around death or suicide”
Suicidality = “the risk of suicide, usually indicated by suicidal ideation or intent, especially as evident in the presence of a well-elaborated suicidal plan”.
It sounds like you’re experiencing suicidal ideation, which doesn’t necessarily warrant an inpatient stay. Therapists will generally do their best to treat you in an outpatient setting unless you are a real and imminent danger to you or people around you. It is widely accepted as preferred and more advantageous for people heal and recover in a real life setting (outpatient) vs a more controlled one (inpatient).
All of that said: I think you need to be brutally honest with your therapist. I am speaking from personal experience. I spent most of my 20s flirting with the idea of suicide, or thinking of it as an option that was always there “just in case”. I started seeing a new therapist when I was 28, and I was afraid to be honest with her for the same reason. I have always been terrified of being admitted. Eventually I decided to tell her I was feeling suicidal and she asked “well, do you have a plan?” I didn’t, so she deemed me safe enough for the time being. I also had a lot of struggles with self harm from the time I was 16 til almost 30. I always confessed to my therapist, we’d talk through it and go over some coping skills, then try again. Lots of people self-harm without ever attempting suicide. Lots of people have suicidal ideation without ever attempting. However, these are BIG warning signs and if you don’t get proper help, it will almost always get worse. Please, please, PLEASE talk to your therapist about it.
I’m 33 now and my mindset has completely changed, thanks to consistent therapy over the years. It’s been almost a year and a half since I lost thought about killing myself, and that might not seem like much, but for me it definitely is! Always remember that there really IS another side to this, but it does take work to find it. Hard, vulnerable work. But you will never regret it once you get there. I promise
As long as you don’t have any plans to hurt yourself you can tell your therapist these thoughts and you won’t be put in a hospital. If you had plans then you would need a hospital. Suicidal ideations are much different. You can have thoughts like this and still not actively want to die. You’re going to be OK. You will get better. You just need to ask for more help from your therapist and they will give it to you