I’m smart but I also have mental disability.

First off, when I say I am smart I don’t mean I’m the next albert Einstein kind of smart, more just I am a good test taker. I’m closer to average than exceptional.

So to start from the beginning, I’m a young adult now and my life has practically fallen apart since I was a child. My mental health is fine, but I am not functional at all. Last year I was diagnosed with two separate neurodevelopmental disorders (ASD and ADHD), and honestly don’t know how I managed life beforehand.

I am no different to when I was a child, yet I feel like I have regressed drastically. My high school grades were really good, but the amount of effort it took me to just get through life sent me into a depressive spiral. The only reason I did well was because I have a level of natural talent. Since I started collage though it was no longer enough to compensate for the deficits, and the added responsibilities have overwhelmed my capacity to cope, so my grades started to fall.

Having academic talent has been more of a curse than anything. The fact that I got good grades meant that any time I tried to voice that something felt wrong with me it was immediately shut down. When sometimes I didn’t understand things people questioned why I was acting stupid because ”I was so smart”, and no one with good grades should make stupid mistakes.

The reality of the struggle is almost invisible to the outside viewer. I often get ”once you find the right coping strategies you will be able to adapt” speech. Well I’ve been trying that for over a year, been put on medications and nothing about my productivity has changed.

It mainly affects my executive functioning abilities, so my ability to stay on task or get things done is virtually non-existent. It hurts though because if I could just do the things I would be able to do so much with my life.

I had a teacher say to me that once that if I just stopped being hard on myself autism would be my ”superpower”. Yeh no I don’t think that’s how it works. For it to be my ”superpower” I have to actually be able to start a damn task. I can’t let it be my superpower because I am currently stuck in an environment which makes it damn near impossible to function. It’s quite difficult to not be stressed when I have deadlines to meet, and classes to go to that can’t keep up with. I end up having to teach myself the content to catch up, except I can’t because I have executive functioning problems.

The fact that I was once ”academically gifted” has nothing to do with the fact I am autistic. I lack self – confidence because I keep having people tell me how much potential I have, and then telling me its an attitude problem when I don’t reach it.

I already know I am smart, the problem is I cannot use it for anything!

Ok rant over.