Im not competitive for sports, grades, extracurricular activities, etc.. im slightly competitive when it comes to my favourite subjects, but not much.
I’m very competitive when it comes to trauma. Maybe it was growing up online (especially during 2020-2022) that did this to me, or maybe the people I hung around from a young age, as it was normal for us to have self harm competitions, trauma competitions, etc..
Now I can’t help it. When someone vents, I don’t feel bad (I never have, confession for another day tho), I am only thinking about how I can beat them, and if I can’t, I’ll do horrible things so that I can.
Like, when I heard one of my online friends cut themselves months ago, despite already being covered in old scars, I cut myself again until my sink, bathtub, and bathroom floor was covered in watered down blood and bandages. Just to be better than them.
If I had been angrier at them, or feeling more competitive, I probably would have done this on a FaceTime just to see the horror on their face.
Another friend won’t stop talking about how much their dad favours their little sibling over them, and they are listing stupid reasons that piss me off so much. Like, in all of these, they are the one in the wrong. I’m sure im missing context, but even with how they frame the situation, their dad sounds like a genuinely caring father trying his best. I can’t see why they are so angry, I’ve had way worse done to me, and I’m not as angry as they are over their father asking if they are ok. I even asked my friends at school what they think of this situation and they said that it doesn’t sound like the father deserves what their child is saying about them. Anyway, that’s besides the point.
All of this venting is driving me insane, I’ve done so much to compete, most of which they have no idea about, that I can’t list here.
All I can think about is winning, and everytime I see they have texted, I rage. I crashed out 5 times at school simply because I saw them send a single worded text message and two more vents.
I’m losing it, this is why I can’t keep friends. They don’t know it yet, but our friendship is gone, it’s just one big competition to me and I can’t seem to view it any other way. I don’t want this, but I can’t help it. Even now, before writing this, I was writing down ways to win this competition that only exists in my head. I’ve told them about how competitive I get, before it got so bad, and warned them to watch what they tell me, and block me if I start displaying signs of agression or whatever, but it’s obvious that they didn’t believe me or take my words that seriously.
I haven’t talked to them for around 8 hours now, I usually chat every few hours. I would write the last thing I sent, but if I open that text message thing, I’ll actually bash my head into a wall until I go unconscious. I haven’t said anything mean yet, and I’m planning on just ignoring them until I feel better, if that will ever happen. Day by day, it only seems to get worse. By the time I’m better, they will probably assume that I’m just not interested in being their friend anymore and that I hate them. (bc their mind always goes there if I don’t respond fast enough). I don’t know what to do. If I stay, I’ll only get more competitive and I will eventually lose it on them, and if I leave, I’ll miss being able to text them when I’m feeling better. I’m so cooked.