I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. I’m only 40. Hes 44.
I do love him. I do think he’s a great guy.
But I’m getting resentful of him. Our whole relationship has been easy for him.
He has proper housing, benefits for our kids etc.
We’ve been through a lot.
We recently lost our son.
And 3 years ago we got a dog. He walks the dog everyday no matter what and spends 3-4 hours at the beach everyday with his friends.
He got laid off last summer and while I spent all day everyday he was at the beach walking the dog and having fun.
Cause the dog needed to be walked.
I went back to work a month after our son passed. He went back after me.
Recently he got laid off again because he has a knee injury so there’s lack of work. He still hasn’t been to the doctor.
I’m paying for our child while all I hear is “I’ll help you out soon.
He will, but not alot. I pay more bills than he does. I also work full time and go to work everyday. While he’s at the beach.
The last year I had to consolidate my debt because I couldn’t keep up, he was no help at all. A few years ago he also didn’t work, so I took on all the finances with my credit.
He helps pay rent which is very cheap for our area.
I’m able to do things on my own and everyday I fantasize of living a life alone in our place.
I clean everything, 2-3 times a week. He tidies.
We don’t sleep together. At all, cause he snores.
I make dinner and delicious food all the time.
He cooks once in a while. Usually bbq.
He sleeps 1-2 hours midday. Even when he was working.
I do mine and my daughter’s laundry.
He does his own.
He has a closet, I have a dresser only.
He’s currently taking a bubble bath. And I’m waiting to have a shower so I can ready for work tomorrow.
He’s a good person, sometimes helpful, doesn’t yell and he’s not mean.
I’m sure our daughter sees this but doesn’t say anything, and I don’t want to kick him out cause I don’t want to hurt her.
It feels really good to get that all off my chest.
Comments
It’s sad to say but if you’re doing everything alone then you’re probably better off alone. Maybe he’s trying to escape the loss of your son by staying out the house and busy with friends but it’s not fair to you that you’re left to do this alone. I’d give him an ultimatum or leave if you’re done. Sorry for the loss of your son.
How does he have no job but also have benefits? How does he have proper housing but you don’t but you also live together? How is there less work because he has a knee injury – did the jobs dry up cause he got injured?
I’m sorry about your situation, but you need to have an honest conversation with him.
If he’s a good person you really need to talk to him- nothing can be resolved without proper communication. Tell him you resent him and think about leaving. Tell him you also love him and don’t want to leave. Tell him you are struggling emotionally. Try therapy. Don’t listen to the naysayers on Reddit. While I completely empathise with you and agree he should know better- sometimes a person will take more, or not try as hard as they should- because you allow them to get away with it. Not letting them get away with it may very well mean leaving. But be proactive about it. Good luck.
I’m sorry that you are going through. You’re so brave for working hard and still wanting the best for your husband. It sounds like he is grieving but doesn’t know how to process that. He can’t pour from an empty cup and he is struggling. Your pain in this is valid and you are also grieving but people grieve differently. When I’m stressed, I work so hard and try and control others and situations to escape from my own reality whereas my husband just shutdowns and so ridden with anxiety that it paralyses him. Sit with this and find a way to discuss this from a point of love and work together to find a path forward. Key word is together, you are a team but if he isn’t willing or ready to do the work you will need to love yourself and decide how you want to be loved.
Can I ad that he’s not grieving. He’s missing my son. He has been the stepdad for 22 years. He didn’t even come to the hospital to say goodbye to him. In the 5 months that my son was in and out of the hospital my husband came to visit him twice. And as for the dog walks, he’s been doing this for 3 1/2 years. Works or is laid off. Comes home. Naps for 2-3 hours. Walks the dog for 3-4 hours and does it all over again. I’m convinced her loves the dog more than anything.
I’m really sorry you’re carrying so much on your own. It sounds exhausting, and you deserve to feel supported and appreciated. Thank you for sharing your story it’s incredibly brave to put your feelings into words.
You have a man-child, not a husband
He really is not a good person. At the beach for 4 hours. I would be suspicious about that alone. You are raising a man-child. No, he is not a good person. If you are doing it alone, then get rid of the excess baggage.
Some of this reminds me of why I got divorced, ugh.
Being divorced is easier than all that. He will avoid paying child support and everything else, probably even ask for spousal support from you by the sound of it. But you will be FREE.
And that’s much better from my experience.
It’s clear you’re overwhelmed and frustrated, but reading this honestly feels more like a list of why you’re better and he’s worse.
You’ve described a lot of things he does contribute (walking the dog every day, paying rent, tidying, cooking sometimes, not being abusive), but every small positive you include is immediately followed by a reason why it’s not good enough anyway.
I’m not saying he’s doing enough — it sounds like the relationship is seriously unbalanced — but it also sounds like you emotionally checked out a long time ago, probably for reasons deeper than what’s being listed here and now you’re just stacking reasons to justify leaving.
Yeah I would’ve left years ago if I was you.
Even right now, pull the plug on his bath and kick him out so you can shower. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning for him. If he makes a mess pile it up on his bed. Basically just do what you can to stop his lazy entitled ass from keeping up with the old habits you enabled, or better yet, call a divorce lawyer and enjoy how much easier your life has gotten.
Time to drop the dead weight. Sounds like you are almost there you just need a push. Hopefully this post will open your eyes. Your doing it alone already you just haven’t realised it.
Hes living the bachelor life
Hey OP.
Condolences to you about your Son.
I walked a similar walk this past year. My husband, now ex, had an injury and didn’t want to return to his trade.
Same thing sortof. Walking the dogs, living his best life. Didn’t do the cleaning or chorse but always said he helped but it was half assed and never done properly.
We aren’t together anymore. For the last year.
I’m a single mom now.
Its not easy. But we have a routine now and stability. You have to do what you need to do for the benefit of your life.
I still love him. I don’t know if that’ll ever change.
His priorities stopped matching the needs of his family.
Good luck.
So stop doing all of that for him
I’m sorry for your loss, OP.
I know you think it would hurt your daughter to leave him, and you’re right. But you’re hurting her more by staying. You’re showing her that this is how she should expect her future relationships to be. Show her she’s worth more than that by demanding better for yourself.
It is funny how it works right.
What if you are the one who is in his shoes, would you want your husband to leave you?
Have you ever asked to see someone to talk about the loss of your son?
Your language alone makes me sad. 22 years of marriage and you talk about what he has and what you have and very little about what you both have.
You both have a house. You both have bills. You both have credit. You both have benefits. You both have income. You both have debt. This is regardless of who is working and who is paying. Every benefit and every burden belongs to both of you equally even if it is not equitable.
The biggest thing you both have is a chasm of a divide between you and I suspect that it is because of grief, at the core, and an inability to communicate.
I’ve been married for 25 years. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers. We didn’t date until we were in our mid-20s but we have been inseparable best friends since day one; even living together during university.
For the past five years, I have been suffering from debilitating grief. Four and a half years ago, we had to completely upend our way of communicating with each other – both so that I could survive and we could survive. I’m beyond lucky that we were both able to recognize the danger we were in and that we were both immediately willing to do whatever it took to keep us together and me afloat.
Whether it’s counseling – individual or together or both – or something you both can figure out together, you need to have a bare-it-all and accusations-free long weekend together. Get it all out and figure out how to move forward.