I’m so tired of pretending I’m okay with being alone

Honestly, I’m reaching a point where the weight on my shoulders feels unbearable.
For some context: I’m 23 (F). Socializing has always been a struggle for me — I’m painfully awkward, shy, and introverted.

Ever since I was little, I’ve found myself standing on the outside looking in. I can still remember being in kindergarten, watching all the other kids play together while I stood completely alone. I tried to join in, but whether it was the way I approached them or simply the way I acted, they would always drift away. But back then, I thought — they’re just kids, right? Maybe it didn’t mean much.

But the same thing kept happening, over and over again. Through school, through college. I got so exhausted from it all that I isolated myself at home for five long years.

Eventually, I worked up the courage to step back into the world and continue my studies, only to find myself hitting the same old wall all over again.

And today was just another reminder of it.
In class, we were asked to pair up for an assignment. When one of my classmates realized she would be paired with me, she chose to work alone instead.

It might seem like something small, but moments like these make it so hard not to believe that the problem must be me.

The truth is, I don’t think I’m a bad person. I might be socially clumsy, but I always try to treat people with kindness and sincerity whenever I get the chance.

Still… sometimes I wonder if I’m the problem. Because even with family members my own age, I just can’t seem to connect.

I’m not asking for much, I just wish I knew what it feels like to truly belong.