My partner (30s M) and I (30s F) have been together for several years. Over time, he’s had a pattern of reacting to frustration with angry outbursts — yelling, slamming drawers or doors, pacing around, walking out, or shutting down emotionally. A few months ago, during a disagreement, he got in my face and it really shook me. That moment changed something for me emotionally.
Since then, I’ve been a lot more guarded. I still care about him, and he’s said he’s trying to work on himself — but I can’t seem to relax or trust that those reactions won’t come back. I often find myself shutting down emotionally or avoiding confrontation entirely just to avoid triggering a response.
This morning, he realized he forgot something important for work and had to drive back to his office. He got very upset — yelling from another room, slamming things while getting ready. He left without saying goodbye, but came back a few minutes later apologizing. Then he said something like, “You’re going to resent me for another 7 months, just like last time,” and told me that if I had truly moved on from the past, I wouldn’t be so cold now. He said my distance is making him feel unloved and like I’m punishing him for trying to express his emotions.
The thing is, I want to move forward, but I still get tense when his mood shifts suddenly. I don’t feel safe when that energy comes out, even if he apologizes later. I know I’ve been withdrawn, and maybe even emotionally unavailable at times — but I don’t feel like I’ve fully healed from how things were before. He keeps telling me I’m “holding it over him” and making him feel worse when he’s trying.
I’m just really lost. Am I being too sensitive? How do you rebuild emotional trust when someone has scared you in the past, even if they say they’re changing?
TL;DR:
My long-term partner has intense angry outbursts and one particularly intimidating moment months ago deeply affected me. He says he’s trying to change, but I still get tense when he’s frustrated. After another recent outburst, he apologized but accused me of holding past issues over him and being cold. I feel stuck between wanting to move forward and still feeling unsafe. Am I being too sensitive or unfair?