Man this is all just annoying. So I(18f) have two close male friends who I hang out with every day and let’s call them Harvey(19m) and Adam(18m). We’ve been hanging out together for about two years now and it’s been a bit complicated but now I don’t know what to do.
So what I know that Adam doesn’t, is Harvey has had a crush on Adam since the start. This has complicated stuff since Harvey often got jealous and would get upset at Adam and Adam wouldn’t understand why and I couldn’t give him a reason without outing Harvey.
Also people often assume me and Adam are dating for reasons that I don’t know but because of that I distanced myself from him, which very obviously upset him since he started being very petty towards me. I realized my mistake and tried to get closer to him so we could go back to how we used to be.
Also for context I’ve always been very vocal about why I would never date Adam , and it’s not even looks or anything, I just know that if we did date (without considering what this’ll do to the friendship with Harvey) we would be incompatible.
Well last time me and Adam went out together as I was about to leave he stopped me and confessed his feelings for me. I felt awful just saying no straight up so I told him I’d have to think about this since this complicated stuff. After this I had to go since I was in a rush but I noticed he was physically trembling so I gave him a hug which I never do. (I feel like this might’ve been leading him on but idk)
When I arrived home Harvey called me and asked what we talked about and if Adam had said anything about him. I mentioned nothing because I know this would crush him.
Now I don’t know what to do. I want to continue being friends with both of them but if Harvey finds out he’s definitely going to be furious. I want to let Adam down softly but I also want to continue being friends with him, is that even possible?
TL;DR
One of my best friends likes the other, and the other likes me. I just want my friends back.
Comments
Saying you have to think about it gave him the impression that you have feelings for him too, so when you ultimately say “I’m not interested”, he will believe that to mean you choose to ignore the feelings you have in favour of your friendship. He’ll continue pining for you and never really move on.
Make sure you make it very clear to him that you only said that “think about it” line to not outright hurt him, and that there are no lingering feelings for him.
Ok, read again what you wrote, and the question might become obvious. Let me tell you what I think : you all have to learn how to communicate. And being more brave, starting with being honest with yourselves and with each other.
Sorry for being blunt, I know you’re all young, so it’s completely normal. Today you all have the opportunity to grow up.
Let’s start with honesty : there is and there was no friendship. Ever. Friendship is platonic. So obviously, in your case, it’s not friendship. Don’t hide behind nice words. One guy was always attracted to another, and the other was always attracted to you.
It’s nothing like friendship, it’s only the best way to grow frustration, drama and stressful connections.
Second : communication.
Congrats to Adam, as he was brave enough to say things out loud.
But what about Harvey and yourself?
What I would suggest : all of you should write down 2 letters, one for each of the other two. Where you finally say how you’ve always felt, how you feel today, and what you want for the future.
Then, if you decide to move forward with an honest relationship, that’s great. If you decide to stop seeing each other, protecting yourselves, that’s also great. You will have become more mature, better at communicating and emotionally intelligent