Hey
I need to get something off my chest. It’s been sitting heavy in my heart lately. 32F
All my life, people have seen me as the “strong one,” the “wise one,” the “teacher,” the “problem-solver.” And I’ve always tried to live up to that, because it felt like love, like being useful meant I mattered. But recently, I realized how lonely it is up here. On this damn pedestal.
I fell for someone I work closely with. He saw my strength, my mind, my ability to build things, and I just hoped he’d see me, too. The soft parts. The goofy parts. The tired parts. The human parts.
But when we finally had the hard conversation, he told me he sees me more like a “teacher.” That we’re too different inside the house interms of values and we were only socially compatible. That he sees us maybe working together in 30 years, but not building a life together. He said we’re not even really friends because we keep this formal barrier between us.
It hurt. Not just because he said no. But because I was never allowed to be vulnerable. I am vulnerable but I do it in steps not all at once especially with men. I was never just seen. It felt like he respected me too much to love me.
And I’m tired. I’m so tired of being everyone’s guide but never their home.
Comments
so like… one thing that’s helped me a lot when I feel all messed up in my head is this weird little thing I do called “room of selves.”
basically, I just sit in silence for a bit. no phone. just me. and then I imagine there’s like this house in my mind with a bunch of rooms. each room has a different “me” in it. like one room has the sad me. another one’s got the super angry me. sometimes it’s the tired one or the me that just wants to give up. whatever I’m feeling at the time.
sometimes I draw the rooms on paper and label them. doesn’t have to be perfect, just scribbles.
then I pick one room to go into in my imagination. I walk in and just look around at what that version of me is doing. sometimes they’re just curled up. sometimes yelling. sometimes staring at a wall doing nothing. I don’t talk to them or try to fix them. I just watch, like I’m some kind of outsider or alien or something. just being there.
some rooms are scary. like, I wanna leave right away. but if I can just stay and sit and not run out, things kinda… soften a little. I feel less afraid. sometimes I go back to the same room a few days in a row and eventually it doesn’t feel as bad.
it’s not magic or anything but it really helps. This little mind trick helps me befriend myself when I’m falling apart. I”m rooting for you…
I have had similar experiences, most recently with someone I had dated for a little over a month who tried to let me down easy but it was just more of the same, and when having that conversation it’s not like I’m going to mention that I hadn’t let down my walls/romantic guard yet and that’s exactly why he thought the way he did, because it wouldn’t change anything and would probably seem disingenuous.
It’s hard for women like us—and it’s hard to even talk about, because it just comes across as self-pitying to bring up that you’re not what is ever wanted romantically by other people. It doesn’t matter if it’s just an observation you’ve made, expressed in a form devoid of any emotional impact. Or at least, that is why I tend to avoid ever bringing it up. But it’s a real thing.