I’m going to jump right into it. A few of my friends have done things to me recently that I would have never done to them. I consider them all the time, but I don’t feel I get the same in return. I’m probably down to two friends who I can actually trust at this point to be good friends.
The person who is supposed to be my best friend has blown me off during one of the hardest times in my life. Long story, but my uncle was in the ICU for almost 2 months. I was reaching out to her for support but she would take 5 plus days to respond. I reached out explaining in a very nice way that I know she is busy but that I would love to have her support. She responded back defending herself and made it about her and how busy she is. A few days later, she asked me about my uncle so I gave her an update on what’s going on (pretty lengthy update) and she replied with one sentence “I’m thinking of you all.” I just said thanks and I haven’t heard from her since.
If roles were reversed, I would have been there for her through it all. I would have not responded the way she did and I would’ve handled the situation in a way nicer manner. For her to double down and not talk to me now is wild.
Second friend: We have been friends for 7 years. She moved kind of far so it’s harder to make plans. She has cancelled every hangout the past three months we make plans. Then, I find out it’s the first year my boyfriend and I are not invited to her fiancé’s birthday. She says it’s “his close friends only” yet we have been to every birthday party. A mutual friend is very confused and initially thought maybe she accidentally didn’t send an invite, but then realized that was not the case. I know it was not an accident. She admitted to it when she said close friends only. I have been told by this couple that my boyfriend and I are like family to them, so very strange we were not considered. However, my boyfriend and her fiance are not close guy friends, so I could be overthinking this one and maybe it’s the first year they’re doing his close guy friends and their spouses only?
Third friend: Let’s call her Jamie. Jamie doesn’t get along with one of my other friends, Heather (Heather hooked up with her boyfriend, so it’s understandable). At the same time, I don’t get along with Jamie’s friend, Maria (Maria TRIED to hook up with my boyfriend, but she was unsuccessful lol). Jamie and I agreed that I wouldn’t bring her around Heather, and that she wouldn’t bring me around Maria. The hangouts would be separate. I also told her if you ever have a house party and want to invite Maria then please go ahead but I would prefer to not be there. Jamie agreed and said she would NEVER do that. Side note: I have been purposely NOT inviting Heather to parties because of Jamie. I respected that boundary and have kept things separate for about 2 years now. Jamie recently had a house party and I assumed that Maria would not be there because of what we talked about. An hour into the party, Maria walks in! LOL.. I texted Jamie to clarify if I can bring Heather around now. She said it was her bad she accidentally invited Maria and that I can invite Heather to things now. Good- because it’s fair game in my eyes at this point, but I still asked her if it was okay. Jamie apologized to me and took accountability, so that’s nice, but I’m still a little upset by it.
It just seems that my friends don’t consider me, even though I highly consider them. I’m always the friend they go to when they need something, need someone to talk to, or want to have a good time. I am there for them in the way I feel is not always reciprocated. I have self reflected and I am a good friend. In my twenties, I used to ask myself “is there something wrong with me?” I have now realized it’s not me, it’s them. It’s the quality of people. They are selfish and don’t care.
Is there anyone else who can relate? It sucks.
Comments
Can relate!
So, I get where you’re coming from, but this is only going to become more apparent/ problematic as you get older. It seems you’re a highly considerate friend and person, but not everyone will match that friendship intensity, and I think this is a turning point for you, to realize this and just be okay with it and try to match people on their level.
Because I’ve been on both sides of this. I’ve been the caring, considerate, always-there friend whose efforts weren’t reciprocated, and I’ve also had friends that constantly needed me to “be there” for them, to the point of exhaustion… and I had to kindly say “I love you, and I’m here for you… but I cannot drop what I’m doing every time you just need to vent or want someone to ride to the store with you. I have kids, I have work… it’s not always feasible, and I can’t be made to feel guilty when I can’t be there for you.”
I’m not saying you’re doing that to people, and of course I don’t know all the details… but being upset your friends aren’t checking in more on your uncle’s medical situation makes it seem like you might be asking too much of your friends at times. I could be wrong. But that’s why I say, as you get older, friendships aren’t always “even,” and you’ve got to learn to keep things as even as possible on your end, and try to be understanding of where others are in their lives. For your peace.
Been there! Like actively right now going through this and was on here hoping to find posts like this to know I wasn’t alone LOL.
It’s so draining to be the only one putting in consideration. And I usually let things slide by but yesterday I was out with 2 friends and we got food from different places and were going to meet and find a table. After I got my food I found them sat at a table already eating, that’s fine. HOWEVER, there were only 2 chairs there, like they didn’t even pull up a third chair before they just sat and started eating… I was completely blown away by this.
It’s made me reflect on other situations with them and in other friendships that are similar to yours! It just makes me feel like no one has my back, but I don’t want to sound needy or paranoid about all this