Last year, my oldest Newphew got into a horrific motorcycle accident, his brain practically split down the middle and he wasn’t expected to survive. After tons of treatment, he is beginning to learn how to function again. We all consider it an absolute miracle.
Then, 6 months ago, we found my brother in law one morning dead in his bed. I desperately and uselessly tried to do CPR, but it didn’t work. He was taken away in a body bag. We aren’t even sure what killed him, even after autopsy, matter of death is undetermined, but we know he did choke to death on his own vomit.
I guess part of me is mad and jealous. I am upset that oh, nephews brain splits down the middle and now he’s doing well, but my BIL just fucking dies for unknown reasons and I have a fresh PTSD diagnosis. How the fuck does that make sense or is fair? Why did one get to live and the other didn’t?
Sigh. I haven’t told anyone that I have these feelings because I am aware that they make me a complete asshole.
Whatever. It’s off my chest.
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I feel that…..wholeheartedly. My uncle literally dropped dead couple years ago and I’m still harboring feelings about the uncle I don’t like still being here but my favorite is gone. 😔
Human beings are odd creatures. It is possible to fall five feet and die, and yet people have lived when hitting the ground sky diving. It’s possible to get shot once and die, but many people will take anywhere from 1-5 bullets and live on just fine. Two human beings could get sick with the exact same virus and it’ll kill one and let the other one live.
It’s part of what makes life tragic, I guess. It’s totally unpredictable. It’s definitely not fair, life does not care at all about fair. There’s statistics and risk factors and all the tiny details you could drive yourself crazy analyzing, but there isn’t much of a point. All we can do is live while we’re here, and try to make the most of it before something takes us away.
I am sorry for your loss. It is incredibly honorable that you tried to resuscitate him, CPR is a physically and mentally challenging thing. You did your best, and if there is a place after this world, I am sure your BIL appreciates your attempt to bring him back. Not everyone can do what you did. Please remember to be kind and gentle with yourself as you deal with the traumatic loss, and be sure to allow yourself time to mourn. Hugs from this internet stranger
Hey. You’re grieving. People think and feel weird things when they grieve. You’re in no way an asshole. Please talk to someone about this (like a therapist) who can help you work through those feelings. I am so sorry for your loss, and as someone with c-PTSD, I know how hard it can be. It does get easier with time and therapy, I promise.
I’m sorry for your loss, OP. I wish any one of us could offer you a proper explanation as to why things turned out the way they did for your family members, but in truth, that’s how life works, right? Sometimes, a situation can seem definite and sure, only for the outcome to be completely different than expected.
Witnessing death is a part of my job–I work as a hospice nurse–and even though all of my patients are expected to die sooner than later, I still get caught off guard by their deaths sometimes. By now, though, I’ve accepted that we all get hurt and ill throughout our lives, and some people pull through them while others don’t.
I’ve worked in rehab and long term care facilities so long that I feel like the outcome of BILs incident is so much more merciful than nephew’s. I don’t want to live through what nephew did. I don’t want to fight everyday of my life and have life altering injuries, or issues. I know it’s selfish. But I’m the only one living in this body. I find it so much more selfish to wish life on someone that suffers everyday, than to allow them peace and have me suffer the loss instead. I also sometimes wonder if we aren’t truly living in hell already. So much suffering
These feelings are completely normal. The “karmic justice” in this world doesn’t make any sense. I unexpectedly lost my dad last year due to a ruptured artery (i think— I’m no medical guru). I keep wondering why him, why my best friend and the man who walked me down the aisle and met my son and not someone else? It sucks, I wish you all the best!
For sure, life is interesting in that way. My uncle has had a heart condition for over 20 years. It should have killed him already but yet, luckily he is still here. His younger sister, though who didn’t drink or smoke a cigarette in her life, is now moving to hospice care for cirrhosis of the liver. It’s crazy how things work like that.
Totally normal. I went through a period of grief-anger when I lost someone close to me. I was livid because I know a person that is a total asshole, horrible father, husband and son, who has barely worked a day in his life, has had multiple serious illnesses and doesn’t follow doctor recommendations. His existence is a drain on all who know him. He takes and never gives, his entire life. This asshole is alive, but my wonderful relative, who has given to so much, served others, a health conscious yogi, and loved by all…is gone. It’s so unfair.
I’m so sorry for your loss. Thanks for listening to me.