My wife and I had a massive argument a few days ago. It got ugly, emotions were high, and in the middle of it she blurted out that she had cheated on me years ago and that our son who’s 6 might not even be mine. I was stunned. I didn’t even know what to say. She stormed out after that and went to stay with my sister.
The nex day she called crying, saying she didn’t mean it, that she only said it out of anger to hurt me. But now I’m sitting here unable to stop thinking about it. I can’t just un-hear that. Whether she meant it or not, I need to know the truth for my own peace of mind. I told her I want to get a DNA test, and she completely shut it down saying it’s insulting, that I’m damaging our family by even asking, and that I should just believe her.
But how am I supposed to move forward not knowing? If it’s not true, then great there’s nothing to worry about and we can work on healing. But if it is true, then I need to know what I’m dealing with.
Now she’s acting like I’m the bad guy for not just trusting her. So… AITAH for wanting a DNA test after what she said?
Comments
What does she think are ‘fair’ consequences for what she said to you?
What’s the meanest thing/ things you said to her in the fight? What was the fight about?
NTA, it’s way more insulting than she’d make something like that up to hurt you in a fight. I don’t believe anyone would just say that in the middle of an argument if it didn’t actually happen. And what’s the harm in the test if she has nothing to worry about?
NTA – she chose her words to be hurtful. Either she cheated or she didn’t. I would get the test to make sure your son is yours.
Oh man. I feel for you. That would be a hard thing, not knowing and wondering or knowing and being a bad outcome.
How badly do you need to know? Are you going to love him any less or change how you parent? Your partner admitted to cheating so it doesn’t need to prove that.
I never want to be in your shoes. I’m sorry.
Um you get the dna test, you don’t need her permission
If she didn’t mean it and was genuinely sorry she would offer the DNA test as a means to reconcile. The scramble now is unfortunately rather suspicious.
Don’t ask, just do it. You are equal parent in this scenario so you can DNA test without her permission.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Getting the test will give clarity so (hopefully) it’s the answer you’re wanting. Then, you’ll have more bandwidth to focus on why the F she thought that’s fair game in an argument to disrespect so heavily without consequences.
NTA, assuming you didn’t say anything equally as bad.
get the test and get it now
Back story – The fight started because I told her I’d be home by 9:30, but I ended up getting back at 10:15. I was out having a couple of drinks with my best mate been friends 15 years, nothing dodgy, just catching up like we always do. I texted her to let her know I’d be a bit late, but she was angry when I got home, accusing me of disrespecting her and putting my friends before family.
Yikes.. definitely need that test.. however you say ‘if it’s true then great there’s nothing to worry about’… dude the fact that she would say something like what she did is grounds for immediate GTFO. Bit of a weird thing to say in the heat of an argument… my guess is even if the spawn is yours that she took some side dick anyway
NTA. Whe is the one harming the family unity here.
You’re not wrong for wanting clarity. Trust is important, but so is peace of mind. Wishing you strength and healing as you work through this.
So..she hit below the belt by saying it wasn’t your child, now you have doubt and you’re the bad guy? Gaslighting at its finest. As a woman I’m not sure why women are so against it..nothing beats seeing those results in black and white..
Nta she can’t open that can then be upset when you feel this way
NTA! It’s totally reasonable to want a DNA test after what she said. You deserve to know the truth for your peace of mind. Trust is important in a relationship, and her comments have shaken that trust. It’s not about not believing her it’s about needing clarity for yourself.
Get the test she is lying about something.
If it wasnt true she wouldnt care
NTA but your wife is. She let the cat out of the bag and now wants to backpedal and act like YOU’RE the problem?
That’s even more reason to have the test done.
‘you should just believe me’
You are. You’re believing what she said about cheating and the possibility that your son isn’t yours.
Stay strong. This is a personal hell that you don’t deserve to go through. You need answers.
Tell her it is a dealbreaker. Either she agrees to the test or you contact the lawyer. Whether it was intentional or not- that kind of thing does not appear randomly in an argument unless sth trully happened. Ask her how can you trust her when she throws infidelity words in your face and thinks she can get away with it?
It doesn’t matter what the fight was about. What she said was ugly, destructive and manipulative . No decent mother would bastardise their child to win a point in an argument. For both your sakes you need to do a DNA test to put your mind at rest, one way or the other.
No need to even tell her, Go do it!
That is not the type of thing to say, it’s not coming from only a rage state… Even if your son turns out to be yours, the cheating mostly likely happened.
Do the DNA, tell friends and family that she knew all along and go live your life. As sad as it is, you are not under any legal or moral obligation to rise another man’s child, and trust me, they will try to guilty trip you to do it, but remember, it’s her fault, any bad outcome, any hurt and future problems related to this is HER fault. The child would lose a father if she was honest ( number one argument).
Also, documents all the interactions, if possible even buy a hidden or small body can, as a man you are much likely at her hands on case she wants to play dirty. You need to be wise now…
Hope you stay safe and well.
You would be a fool not to do this DNA
You better get the test to be sure. Otherwise, it will be in the back of your mind forever. On graduation day, when he get married, when he has children, etc.
Get the test. Like, yesterday.
Edit: She probably didn’t say it just to hurt you, she likely did cheat on you.
NTA. You should definitely do the test because she gave you reason to doubt it. Im sorry but you’re really in a loose-loose. Worst case scenario is that the kid isn’t yours. But the best case scenario (the kid is yours) is still not good because it means that she fights dirty. It sucks to be with a partner who will say things just to cause you pain, even if they are untrue. I’m sorry for your situation. But definitely do the test. It’s better to know sooner than later.
NTA. Not trusting her? Which part should you trust? The part where she said she cheated? Or the part where she said the kid might not be yours? Or the part where she said she didn’t mean any of it, but is capable of telling any lie to intentionally hurt you?
You don’t need her permission to get a DNA test. Just do it! Go to the store and buy one, or order one online and do the test yourself.
And that one outburst has destroyed your marriage , no matter what the result of a DNA test.
Sorry to hear , good luck , protect yourself going forward.
Just go do it – don’t even tell her.
You’re damaging the family? That’s rich, considering she started it either by making a horrible comment or actually cheating. NTA. I’m sorry you are going through this, and you should get through a DNA test for sure.
No offense, but asking for the test is absolutely no less damaging than what she said. At this point no matter what the results are you know she cheated and you know for atleast awhile she thought it may not be yours.
Divorce time.
NTA, I think it’s a reasonable ask for DNA test now. I’m curious if your son favors you or looks like you? Same color eyes? Same hair? I also caught that she went and stayed at your sisters, that’s gotta be mildly infuriating. I can also think of 100 things to say to be impactful in an argument and your child is not really yours is not one of them. Best wishes,it would be great to have an update from you!
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Your not the asshole but the real question that you have to sit back and ask yourself is what if he isn’t yours you’ve been in his life for 6 years already and would you just be able to step away if he wasn’t ? That’s not to say that you have to stay with her if he wasn’t but I’ve been in a similar situation with my first son and wasn’t told for longer than 6 yrs and I already had other children with this woman that I know were for sure mine and as much as it hurt me to learn this I chose not to know as my first child saved my life I was headed down a dark path and when I found out she was pregnant I stepped up and got my life on track because of him so rather than wanting to know I let it go and accepted the fact that there was the possibility he wasn’t mine and loved him with all my heart no matter what .
NTA
NTA – she used a dirty tactic on you, that is causing psychologically turmoil. She bought it up to question & you have every right to want proof.
>and that I should just believe her.
And you do, that’s why you need a DNA test.