I (29f), found disturbing pornagraphic images in my (30ftm) husbands phone.
Also I get that this is reddit and yall love a drama, who doesn’t, but please don’t suggest that I break up with my husband. We’ve been together for 4 years and it’s certainly not 4 years wasted. I love him with all my heart and I know for a fact that he loves me back. I know everyonr says this about their partners but he’s genuinely one of the most caring guys I’ve ever met.
For context; I had been wanting to go through my husband’s phone for a while now. Not because I suspect him of cheating or the likes but because of what I thought could have possibly been evidence of a mental health issue that he was trying to hide away from me. He’s been having little injuries, mostly burns appearing over the tops of his arms and thighs for a few months or so, and after a while, I started, though infrequent, like once every 2 weeks or so to see much more noticeable cuts aswell. I know I’m going to get called paraniod for jumping to conclusions like this, I know everyone gers bruises and injuries, but these cuts were so oddly clean? They ran pretty much straight and were a bit too deep to be anything like a paper cut, and even so, my husband hasn’t broken a bone in his life. He doesn’t do any sports or hobbies that could end in cuts like those. So obviously I was suspicious. He’s had self harm problems in the past, when he was in his early teens he used to have a pretty severe cutting problem, such that the scars developed very thick and keloid. But to my knowledge he had no further cutting incidents since.
I confronted him about it 3 weeks ago. We had gotten into bed and were having some shallow conversation about something or other when i asked him if he had been cutting himself. He denied it, but I could tell that he knew that I knew. He knows im not stupid, and honestly, i didn’t at the time know why he tried to deny it. He knows I love him, we have a very strong and open relationship, he has many somewhat socially unacceptable though morally fine quirks, so I just didn’t get why he wasn’t opening up. As I had assumed that these were due to some sort of depression issue, I was very weak in my accusations and didn’t pressure him much out of fear of making him feel worse, so when he denied it I just ended it with assuring him that I was always here to listen, and then cuddled up to him and went to sleep.
Over the next few days I tried to pressure him a little more, our schedules line up pretty well so I was able to make sure that he hadn’t more than a few minutes of alone time by badgering him throughout the day to which my dear boy had no complaints about, and low and behold, there wasn’t a cut more on his body. He was doing pretty well, extra affectionate, not at all slacking on his end of the chores and he even went to an event that one of our friends were hoasting for the friend group (which if you knew how much he likes to shut himself away in the house you’d think it a miracle as I did). All of this made me feel a little bad, maybe the injuries were nothing, and here I was, wrongfully accusing him and pressuring him to admit to something that he didn’t do, but for peice of mind, I went through his phone. I knew his password from seeing him put it in time and time again over his shoulder, he never told me directly, but I thought he would have known that I was aware of it. We’d never gone through eachothers phones before, I highly doubt he’d ever cheat, and after checking his phone I at least know that he isn’t being unfaithful. I admittedly didn’t really think of how he’d feel about me going through it, and I didn’t plan on telling him that I had after the fact, I know this was wrong of me to do, but even after I was relatively sure that everything was ok, it still stood out in my mind that I’d rather be safe than sorry. If the alterative could be him possibly slipping into a downwards mental spiral because he felt like he couldn’t open up and at worse committing sucide over it, I was fully willing to take the blame for invading his privacy, no matter how unlikely the possibility of it ending that way. My husband isn’t particularly agressive, he’s never shouted at or hit me, he’s quite sentimental and gushed quite alot when I would do things for him or would even just show basic care for him back when we were first dating so i knew id get off with a slap on the wrist if he found out. I know that was pretty selfish reasoning, and I now realise that I was wrong for that.
No sign of him cutting himself, but long story short, I found drawn pornographic gore aswell as a fetish related rant in his notes app on my husbands phone. The porn was mostly of people being digested alive, some of femdom stuff. All of the victims were men it seemed and all of the people digesting the men were predators. My husband knows that I don’t consider him watching porn to be cheating in the first place, but for some reason he cropped the heads of all of the girls out. They’re all about the same skin tone with the same hair as me so I think he may have been trying to imagine that the girls were me? One image especially freaked me out because of how graphic it was. A man digesting alive, parts of his flesh reddening and peeling away while his face was distorted in this really horrible pained expression, curled over and hugging its knees like scp 096 or some shit. It was one of a few images of the same scenario. The images were actually nausea inducing. One drawn of a woman kicking a man and lodging the heel of her high heel in his eye, a man being pegged from behind and violently whiped to the point of multilation, i dont have a particularly weak stomach, but i had a genuine viceral reaction to that. Especially when imagining him in any of these scenarios. There was another thing, a good few screen shots from what i think was his notes app. I went to check the app but the note was no longer there. I only read it once and didnt take screenshots and send them to myself, so I might be a little blurry on this, but the fetish rant started off with my husband raving about how much he loved me which I found a little nice, not gonna lie, but ended in him fantasizing about what it would be like for him to digest in my stomach while I essentially said and did horrid things to him and cheated on him with other men. That made me feel fucking sick. I ended up turning his phone off and locking myself in the toilet to calm down. He came upstairs about half an hour later I’d came out and asked me if something was the matter. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to question him, slap him, hug him, tell him I’d never do any of those things, comfort him. He’d had a hard life, I know he has poor self esteem, and maybe his issued manifested themselves through fetishism. I was mostly mad at the time both because I was so overwhelmed, I came here to find out what the cuts were about and now I both have no idea what those were about and wether or not to worry, I’ve also been fucking flashbanged with gore. However I also felt a little blindsided. He’d never brought this up to me. We have a good sex life, he often initiates, likes being the bottom, has asked to be roughed up a little, aswell as degradation, it did get to a point where I told him that I wasn’t comfortable going beyond what we normally did in terms of that sort of thing when he asked for me to be increasingly more violent, which he accepted without any fuss. That could be why he never told me about his interests, because he didnt want to push on a subject that made me uncomfortable. I didn’t bring up what I saw to him and brushed it off. We went to bed as normal.
I’ve been feeling really odd about this, and it’s certainly not something I can just brush off and forget about. I need disclosure and I need reasoning, and the more I leave it to fester the worse it’ll get. It is currently night time and he’s sleeping beside me. I think I’m going to confront him in the morning, however im not yet sure how.
Advice (that isnt blindly telling me to “le heckin divorce!!!”) is very much welcome.
Comments
Fuck that shit. I’m out!
Divorce.
Im disturbed.. I didnt even know such porn fetish existed. I hope somebody helps u with a good reply cuz I truly am shocked.
Holy shit. This is likely a side effect from deep trauma that you have no way to cure. He needs to see a psychiatrist or a therapist or some sort of professional because this isn’t something us redditors can fix.
Wow, that is alot. I’m sorry to hear this.
You just have to be honest with him. Tell him you were worried about the cuts and bruises and didn’t feel like he was telling the truth. Admit that you looked on his phone because you were worried and tell him what you found. Ask him about it, but try not to judge him, otherwise he won’t open up to you.
Maybe even possibly suggest therapy for both of you.
You Therapy now. Figure the rest out after.
He’s afraid to tell you. He’s scared you’ll reject that part of him. He likely understands that it’s not normal for him to have a reaction to, and is terrified that if/when you find out, you’ll shame him or leave him.
You’re not.
Sit him down for a conversation. Tell him that you love him and choose him. He needs to know that despite this, you’re staying. You’re going to have a lot of difficult questions. Both of you will have to be honest. Painfully so. If he’s hurting himself for this fetish, that needs to stop. It’s not healthy.
Try to be open minded, stress that you ask because he’s your person and you want to understand this part of him. He might ask you to peg him. He might ask you to domme him. That’s something to think about.
So long as he understands the difference between fetish fantasy and real life and you both communicate effectively, you’ll get through this.
thats a horrifying fantasy to have. indicative of a larger issue at play. the morally correct thing to do would be to tell him the truth and apologize and then insist on therapy. but if you want to play it morally grey dont bring it up ever again and attempt to catch him in the act of indulging in these fantasies.
He definitely has trauma from his past.
This is disturbing. But also, never write a book, it’ll end up being 300 pages longer than it needs to be because you can somehow say the same thing many people say with one sentence in 20 sentences lol
It’s highly unusual for men to be cutters- it’s almost always females. Your H has serious problems. He needs serious psychiatric intervention before he harms himself or others. Look at the suicide rate amount cutters. It’s considered a para suicidal act.
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I fear this may be too advanced for Reddit advice. This may require professional advice. There’s so much going on here
Oh. Ohhh. Oh my. It’s always been my damn phones fault.
Sounds like the cannibal cop story.
maybe dont sneak around invading his privacy.
Please keep is updated! I hope in turns out well
Your husband has a vore fetish. I have the same thing. It is absolutely NOTHING to be concerned about and actually can be quite fun. It’s a fetish that is PURE fantasy and it is BECAUSE your husband loves you and feels safe with you that he has these fantasies about you eating him up.
I have the exact same thing and I ONLY bring it up with either likeminded people or people who I am involved with and whom I feel 100% safe with.
I do not know what your husband’s injuries are and that is still a concern but Please please PLEASE understand that vore is a harmless kink and is expressed through art and roleplay. It’s not dangerous and it’s not the same or even related to the cannibal kink which is an entirely different ball-game.
Vore is about surrender and loss of control. Your husband is telling you that he feels safe surrendering control to you, he trusts you to protect him and cherish him and never put your own desires beyond his safety. That’s the thrill of this kink, it’s about loss of control.
You said your husband has had a hard life and has a self harm history, this is not so much an evolution of that as a healthy response. Whatever has happened to your husband in the past has resulted in him forming a sexuality identity about power dynamics. That’s all. He wants to be submissive and vulnerable with someone he trusts to protect him and make sure he’s safe.
I have similar needs and I’d be happy to talk more about it to you privately if you felt it would be helpful but please please don’t treat him like a freak. He is still the man you love even if his fantasies are a little scary on the surface.
Sounds like a vore and guro fetish, these are common with people who have past truma as it’s a “safe” outlet for them to process it… Since yk nobody will every actually swollow you.
That said therepy would likely help him a lot and getting through the past truma, the kinks/fetishes may stay afterwards but he may lose interest.
Maby suggest you both go to therepy as a late new year’s resolution to be the best versions of yourself! Therepy is good for everyone as we all have things that play on our mind from time to time. It would allow him to process the past and allow you to process what you’ve just learned.
Your not his mom and jc you love to write I honestly couldn’t handle reading all your post it was way too long I fell asleep 😴 a few times throughout had a cuppa watched to came back started again and again again
He can’t risk telling this to anyone. Even if he thinks you’d react well, even if YOU think you’d react well and accept it, he can’t risk it. It’s not worth it
I think that more people have experienced sexual arousal over something they are embarrassed to admit to than not. It really wasn’t that long ago that sex was a taboo subject and porn was for degenerates. Then sex and porn became normal/acceptable and I think some people need more “out there” stimulation than others. But it’s still too “not normal” to talk about. And for a lot of people what they fantasize about has zero correlation to real life so it’s hard to talk about because it’s hard to explain and to feel like there isn’t something wrong with you.
I’d talk to him, but tread carefully in the sense HE needs to know that you accept him no matter what and YOU need to make sure you’re ready for the conversation and to tell him when you’ve had enough details. The fact that whatever he enjoys is already out there should reassure you it’s not THAT out there.
You seem like you two really live eachother and I think just you knowing and not judging will ease his anxiety about it.
The fuck did I just read
Updateme
I’d be more concerned with the injuries, still tbh…
This type of porn is called vorarephelia. People are drawn to vore or similar fantasies for a variety of psychological, emotional, or symbolic reasons. Here are a few of the most common theories:
Power Dynamics & Control
Vore often involves extreme domination and submission. Being eaten or consuming someone can symbolize total surrender or control, which appeals to people into those kinds of power dynamics — but taken to an extreme, fantasy-only level.
Desire for Intimacy
For some, vore symbolizes ultimate closeness — being inside someone or having someone inside you is a metaphor for deep intimacy, merging, or even emotional absorption. It’s like wanting to be “so close you become one.”
Safety & Regression
Especially in soft vore, being inside a warm, protective space can mimic a womb-like feeling — tapping into desires for comfort, safety, or escape from the world. This links closely with infantilism or other regression fantasies.
Transformation & Identity
Some vore fantasies include digestion and transformation, which can symbolize letting go of identity, changing, or being remade. That can appeal to people dealing with identity issues, dysphoria, or who enjoy the idea of reinvention in a symbolic way.
Taboo & Fantasy-Only Appeal
Like many fetishes, part of the appeal is that it’s forbidden, extreme, and clearly not real. Vore is so out there that it’s firmly in the “fantasy-only” zone, which can give people the freedom to explore wild ideas without real-world risk or morality.
Asexual or Non-Traditional Erotic Appeal
Interestingly, a lot of vore fans report being asexual or graysexual, and they may not be into traditional genital-focused porn. Vore provides a different kind of stimulation — more imaginative, symbolic, or emotional — that doesn’t rely on standard sexual acts.
In your husbands case I’d probably lean toward 1st three.
I’d need assurance of affection if I were him, then I’ll need to go to therapy.
Anyone not saying that this is severe mental illness is out of their mind. He needs help
As a fellow 29f with a 29ftm husband (ten years together) I may have a little input! This is exactly my niche funnily enough haha
My husband is also very insecure and still working on confidence. So am I. And he’s also always been VERY kinky and fetish inclined. We have done the freakiest shit together and we are only stronger here for it.
My advice: Be as open and honest and accepting as possible. You already seem extremely understanding and I can tell you love him so much. I can relate perfectly. Tell him your feelings but also allow him to express himself and the things he wants. A lot of people are recommending professional help but I don’t think he needs that. Unless you find out he’s self harming and feel he needs that help. For now, just hear him out and have a heart to heart. A fetish is no reason to sounds alarms. And just the fact that he chose images that resemble you kind of made me go “aww” lol. It could be SO much worse.
Good luck with having the talk and maybe give us an update! I’d love to hear how it goes.
Your husband is deeply mentally ill and may have some deeply embedded anger issues. He needs psychiatric care. If you feel unsafe, don’t hesitate to leave.
Sometimes kink/fetish shaming is okay….. cuz what the actual fuck? My best guess is therapy 🤷🏼♀️
Does he prepare your meals? Bet he’s been putting his flesh in your food without you knowing and that’s where the wounds are from.
Hey! Despite what other commenters are saying, this does not seem to just something to write off!!
Vore, in itself, is a perfectly okay fetish to have, but this legitimately sounds like something more when combined with the bad self-esteem, the gore, and the self-harm aspects (which can be a sexual outlet, but the fact he’s hiding it is worrying and says that it’s more of an unhealthy coping mechanism). He does not seem to be doing well. This is not something to write off.
Please, treat him with kindness. Whatever you do, try not to shame him for this even if it’s not for you. He seems to be in a horribly vulnerable place and that can cause him to regress and withdraw further. Take some time to yourself if you need to, but have a serious conversation with him. Honestly, with the alarm bells that this sets off, I’d look into getting him a wellness check, a therapist, and a psychiatrist.
Gore does not help your mental state. Even with the argument it can be seen as a fetish you have to be extremely careful not to internalize and normalize what you’re consuming. That is a very thin line to walk especially when it can affect your view of reality. Consuming this type of content is both a warning sign, a comfort, and a cry for help all in one with the other factors involved. I’d be worried that it’s contributing to his recent relapse.
This is an extremely shocking thing to discover all of the sudden. You are not wrong for feeling blindsided. I’d also recommend getting yourself a therapist, even in the short-term, just to help proces and work through this together with. He is going through a lot, but remember to take care of and be kind to yourself too.
The biggest takeaway, and most important thing I’d say, is to have a conversation and get your husband help ASAP. Fetishes are normal and okay, even some of the more “taboo” ones, as long as it’s not hurting your own mental health or other people’s health. As SOON as it crosses that line, it’s dangerous. For your husband, it sounds like it has crossed that line. Do not disregard this.
I think you just need to talk to him about this, be gentle, tell him that you won’t judge, and, ask him to open-up about what’s actually going on with him. I know for a fact you both will get through this together. Goodluck!
It sounds like your husband is a survivor of sexual abuse or severe parental neglect, most likely from his mother. I’m leaning towards sexual abuse.
my ex would say stuff like i wish i could eat you and hed bite me and then when we would have sex he would get a lil too rroguh and id have to tell him to be gentler. i think if it didnt cause physical pain he would 100% try to eat me haha he also liked when i would sit on his face and suffocate him, i found it weird sometimes but we did things for each other to keep sex alive.
im trying to imagine the porn he had but cant. sounds like he has a machicist/ sadist kink potentially shaming, belittleing, cucking, but he is to scared to voice it since you shut him down? i wouldnt be to phased but id would talk to him about it and mayb do some reasearch for yourself.
i think its sweet he cropped the heads off the porn lol.
feel free to DM me if you want to talk more
Relationship counselor stat.
Updateme!
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