As the title states, I’m worried I could have committed COCSA without realizing it.
I (f late teen) discovered porn at way too young of an age. Around 9 years old. And as a result, I ended up getting my friends into it and ended up getting intimate with them. One thing I immediately want to state is that the number one reason I introduced my friends and did things with them was purely out of curiosity. What I thought was that if I did what they did in the videos, the “tingly feeling” I got would go away forever. And so I started doing it with my friends. No boys it was only girls (I am a girl myself).
Nobody taught me what consent was growing up. Sex was a completely hidden topic. This doesn’t mean I forced them when they said no to it. However, I would keep asking even when they said they weren’t sure about it. This only happened with one person. And I feel absolutely gut wrenchingly horrible about it. I know saying “I didn’t know” is wrong but that’s the truth. I didn’t know that I shouldn’t keep asking. I was 9. The person eventually caved and even asked to do certain things. I found out years later that she absolutely hates me (rightfully so) because of it.
I wish I never did any of this period. It makes me so sick. I feel like I poisoned my friends and I feel like an absolute perv.
Comments
You were a victim yourself. This feels like something you have been ruminating over. Have you considered talking to a therapist?
I’ve never really known how to handle myself when I’ve had thoughts like did I make X uncomfy. While what you did is by all accounts not a good thing, particularly to that one person, you said you were young and it was an honest mistake as you were young. I can’t know if that statement is true or not, but you are holding yourself accountable. I assume you are changing those behaviors as I type this. That is what matters. I’m not a victim of sexual trauma, but as a thinker I think apologizing to that person, and asking to hear her side of things could be empowering. I say this as someone who does have social trauma, and that is something I wished for. It’s possible that’s the wrong thing to do, if someone else has an idea feel free to downvote.
Ultimately, it’s good you realized ur own error. Remember, for the future, it is okay to explore your sexuality (don’t let your past hold you back) as long as you aren’t forcing your sexuality on other people.