Hi everyone,
I’ve been with my girlfriend for over 8 years — we started dating back in high school and have been together through all of our adult lives. We’ve been living together for 5 years now, and it honestly hasn’t been easy.
I’m a pretty independent person. I want to share my life with someone, but that also means having a life outside of the relationship — my own interests, friendships, space. That’s where the problem is.
My girlfriend wants to spend every single moment together. If I go on a walk alone, she gets upset. If I hang out with friends without her or even talk about going to a party on my own, it turns into a conflict. The idea of me doing things solo just doesn’t sit well with her.
She doesn’t really have her own circle of friends. Most of the people she knows are mutual acquaintances through me, but even then they’re not really friends and she’s more known as OP’s girlfriend than someone separate from me.
Another thing that’s been really difficult is her jealousy. She doesn’t want me to have female friends at all. If I even start getting close to another woman — fully platonic — she becomes extremely jealous and upset. I’ve actually lost a few genuinely good friendships because of this. It feels unfair and controlling.
She also expects constant communication. When we’re not physically together, she wants us to be messaging all the time. Even if she’s asleep and I’m awake, she’ll get upset the next morning if I didn’t send her any messages while she was sleeping. I feel like I’m always having to prove my love and loyalty, even when I haven’t done anything wrong.
The thing is, it wasn’t always like this. She used to be more independent too. But about 6 years ago, one of her close friends betrayed her badly, and since then she’s really struggled. She’s been dealing with what I think is depression, and she became more and more emotionally dependent on me.
I feel incredibly guilty even writing this — but I’m not happy. I feel like I fell in love with a different version of her. Even cuddling doesn’t feel comforting anymore, it just makes me feel trapped. Our sex life is practically non-existent (maybe once a month, if that), and lately I’ve been faking sleep just so I don’t have to talk with her at the end of the day.
There are moments — when she’s at school and I’m home alone — that I actually cherish. That feels so wrong to say. But it’s the truth. I miss having space. I miss wanting to come home to someone.
I keep holding on to the hope that she’ll somehow go back to the way she used to be, and I feel crushed with guilt at the idea of leaving her. She’s imagined a whole future for the two of us, and I feel like walking away would destroy her world.
But I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this. Has anyone been through something similar? How do you know when it’s time to let go?
TL;DR : I don’t have the same vision of a relationship as my girlfriend and I don’t know if it will get better or not.
Comments
I’ve been in multiple relationships exactly like this, and it is so mentally draining but I have ended up leaving them. Recently, I just left a girl like this but we have rekindled because I feel like I would much rather have her and her insecurities than not have her at all- although now we are both in therapy. At the end of the day, it’s about your health. If you are truly unhappy don’t be afraid to leave. You want a partner who isn’t insecure, allows you to have friends, has their own inspirations and dreams and world doesn’t revolve around you. I’m sure she is a great girl but please don’t be afraid to put you first. You’re 24 and still have so much time to meet new people and do new things. If you don’t end up coming with a solution (whether that be therapy or anything else) you’re going to end up resenting her and every little thing she does. You can also just mention to her that you’re unhappy because of this and that, see what she says. But if this is something you can’t keep doing which I don’t blame you, it’s time to move on. If you need any help don’t be afraid to shoot a message because my past few relationships have been like this and is all too familiar lol
It’s important for her to have her own life apart from you, and you should have your own life too. The two of you then share some times in your lives but not every waking moment. If you need space, communicate that in a loving manner, and encourage her to take space for herself too. You may have to start small – going along with her to meet new people, for example – but I believe if you’re both careful and respectful of one another you can get through this. Best of luck, OP!
You need couples counseling so she can understand how and why she is driving you away. And she sounds young and naive. The only true friends we will ever have is sadly ourselves and God. She will be abandoned and hurt over and over until she learns to be her own person and find some independence and confidence in herself. You leaving her may be the best solution for her, but counseling first will at least open her eyes. Your relationship sounds very co dependent.