Tl;dr: I (43f) Saw my ex (42m) after 2 years no contact – please help. I am in a healthy relationship with someone that is comfortable, but it’s missing passion. I haven’t been able to find what I felt in my previous relationship with my ex again. But I believe it was a trauma bond and I’m trying to let him go again.
My story is somewhat complicated, but I (43f) was in a relationship with someone (42m) while I was going through my divorce. We were both going through a similar situation and ending our marriages. It felt really good to be seen and heard by someone after not getting that in my marriage for so long. I think we developed a trauma bond with many highs and lows. The passion that I felt in that relationship Has been something I haven’t been able to find again. We were together for two years and then broke up two years ago. I have dated a few times. I’m currently in a relationship with someone for a few months now. He is a really stable and healthy relationship, but it’s lacking that passion. I met up with my ex yesterday after not seeing or talking to him for 2 years. We both felt healed enough to do so. It was innocent, we just went on a walk and talked. After I felt a sense of peace, but also pain. Like my body is Somehow addicted to that trauma bond still. I’m feeling a little depressed, and trying to push through and hoping he doesn’t reach out again. I feel that I have no control because I wanna feel that passionate again. But I don’t wanna screw up my healthy relationship. He’s definitely not in a place where he is stable. I think he’s actually doing worse. He went through a lot of emotional trauma when I broke up with him. I think It kind of messed him up. He seems still in a place where he’s not able to prioritize his life properly and has not consistently been able to date. I know that’s not my fault, but it just hurts to see him like that. I have this pulled to want to fix everything for him. I wish I could go back in time and make different choices. But I know that I made those choices for a reason. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. So in summary seeing him has brought up this painful feeling again and it’s really hard to just let it go.
I’m looking for any advice that you might have. What would you do to get through this? Any input on passionate versus comfortable relationships. And possibly support to help get me through this.
Comments
Often when you break up you look for something different. You went from an exciting but toxic situation to very stable and predictable. Now you’re questioning that choice as you get reminded of the passion you had. But there’s a third option where you get both – it’s not either or. Just because your new relationship is less stimulating doesn’t mean you need a self destructive person to stay interested.
You definitely have one foot out the door already. Just break up.