an annoying theme comes up when i attend family events with my in laws, and i’m trying to figure out the why and how to cope. i’m not sure how to explain this in a concise way because the behaviors are subtle/covert, but i’ll try to keep this as short as possible.
while making conversation at family events, i’ve mentioned innocuous information about cousins like “cousin S has a new instagram page.” if this is information that MIL/FIL were unaware about, MIL’s response has been to deny/reject the information.
i was at a family event celebrating our cousins recently and most of the time was fine until DH and i were leaving. as i was closing the front door, i heard MIL ask “when are uncle S and aunt L going to visit?” then i heard MIL say, “wait, [me] is still here.” DH and i were the last to leave so the people remaining in the room were MIL, FIL, an aunt, an uncle, and the cousins we were celebrating.
obviously, comments like this make me confused as to why i’m invited to family events with the in laws, and then i look like the asshole when i don’t want to go. incidents like this make me feel like MIL/FIL don’t want me to have a relationship with our cousins so why should i give them my time, energy, and money (for airfare, hotel, gifts, etc.) anyone have any insight as to why they behave like this? it feels insecure/territorial/undermining.
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>incidents like this make me feel like MIL/FIL don’t want me to have a relationship with our cousins so why should i give them my time, energy, and money (for airfare, hotel, gifts, etc.) anyone have any insight as to why they behave like this? it feels insecure/territorial/undermining.
I’m petty. Behavior like that would prompt me to build an even closer relationship with all the in-laws except MIL and FIL.
They either don’t want you to know the information or don’t want you to attend. Both are to make you look bad to the rest of the family and exclude you from being family. Clearly some family members are in on it (aunt) when they hear MIL make statements not to discuss it in front of you.
This is where DH needs to be direct, firm and stand strong to his mother. “Why are we being excluded from family gatherings?” And “You did X, it made me feel X when you are rude to my wife.” He needs to put a line in the sand that excluding his wife or talking down to her is unacceptable.
Agree with DH on a course of action. If MIL is rude, you both immediately leave any event. If she doesn’t take accountability, limit contact (no visits, don’t take calls, don’t return texts for X days). If she keeps it up, extend limited contact periods. Either MIL cuts out the mean girl behavior or she doesn’t get your/DH time, energy and life.