In my 30s and at a crossroads

Hi all,

I’m 33 and I feel a bit lost right now and at a bit of a crossroads with everything.

I’ve been with my husband since we were 20 and I always envisioned having a family and wanted this sooner rather than later due to having older parents and already losing one parent as a teenager. I wanted kids in my 20s so I could have as much time as possible with them. I decided from a young age that was what I wanted. I didn’t have the most stable upbringing so it made me want it more. I never wanted something so much.

It was never the right time to try though, either my husband wasnt ready or our personal circumstances werent ideal e.g. jobs, not in a house only a rented flat that didnt allow kids. And now we are in a position to start trying so we did for a couple of months and we have stopped for now as it turns out the medication my husband is on can cause adverse effects to the child which was published on the government website. So we need to consult a doctor and go from there.

I used to be so passionate about having a family, perhaps for growing up without a stable family unit (thats a whole other story!) but I’m already older than what I’d like to be when having them and the medication thing is a new curveball.

I’ve also gotten used to life as it is so the thought of being childfree doesn’t seem too terrible right now but I do fear for the future and not really having anyone around other than my husband. I’m an only child and I’m not close with most of my family.

My job has become a point of contention. I also feel like I’m rubbish in my job. I really thrived in my last job and my confidence soared, but was made redundant last year due to a site closure that affected everyone. My new job (same job title btw) has so much to consider, my notes make up 50 word document pages and over 20k words! I feel like I’m always doing something wrong. It’s a very different dynamic to my last job as my manager is very particular about things and can be quite lonely as I’m expected to be in the office 3 times a week with nobody else from the team in. Sometimes I can be sat on my own on a hot desk all day and I can get into my own head a bit. Not so bad when other people are around.

My anxiety has been getting worse over the past year which started at the time of the redundancy actually and at points it’s been rather debilitating. Sometimes I just think I need to get myself signed off for a bit but I don’t know if that would actually help. I sometimes feel like I need a factory reset. I’ve definitely lost confidence.

I also feel like I’m at the age where I’m feeling the pressure to decide on things and I don’t know how. I worry about being alone in the future and regretting not having children. I really do think it might not be part of our future after all these years to be honest. There just seems to be some curveball every time when it comes to the topic of children whether it’s with losing my job, not having a house, now we can’t try for at least a few months because of my husbands medication. I’ve not long turned 33 and there’s no way with these circumstances I’d be having a child before 34 at the earliest now. Not to mention I seem to have hopped on the fence about it.

Thanks for reading, I know it was a bit long and apologies if it was a bit ranty! Has anyone been through anything similar when life isn’t as you expected it to be? How did you navigate it?