MIL visits us every year and lives at our house for 3-4 months. My husband lost his father at a young age and has had a difficult childhood financially and considers his duty to look after his mother. He is the youngest one of 3 siblings and MIL has had issues with the other two DILs and therefore husband ensures that she is happy at our house.
It was a deal-breaker for him if I couldn’t get along with his mother, and it’s been 6 years of our relationship and I have tried. MIL and I had a good bond, but with every year, she’s becoming more demanding of my husband’s time and also becoming increasingly fussy as a house-guest and also quite territorial. The guest room (also going to be a future nursery when we have kids) is now “her” room and that irks me.
She is constantly criticizing the other DILs when she’s with us, and making fun of the other two sons as well and although I get that this may be a way of bonding for her and my husband, I cannot stand the negativity!! I have gotten to a point where there’s not a lot to talk about and kept myself busy with work and other hobbies and she complained to my husband that I don’t spend time with her. I’ve tried talking to my husband about it and understand he wants to be there for his mother but I feel she’s too dependent on her sons and because she never remarried, gets her emotional needs met from them.
She’s in her 60s and in good health and has many years ahead of her hopefully. My husband has a fear of death (as he lost his father young) and therefore treats every day he gets to spend with his mother as important. It’s sweet but I’m struggling with how much attention she commands and the inability of my husband to set boundaries.
Fortunately, our finances are separate and I do not have to contribute money for gifts, eating out, etc. But we do split our household expenses and just because we earn well, it seems my MIL is becoming more and more fussy (and also wasteful).
Husband is a good man but I’m struggling with anxiety over MIL’s visits. How do I set my boundaries and maintain my peace even if he doesn’t want to?
Thank you for reading.
Comments
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP’s needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don’t be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
^(Full Rules) ^(|) ^(Acronym Index) ^(|) ^(Flair Guide)^(|) ^(Report PM Trolls)
Resources: ^(In Crisis?) ^(|) ^(Tips for Protecting Yourself) ^(|) ^(Our Book List) ^(|) ^(Our Wiki)
Other posts from /u/DepartmentNo6304:
Losing it with Indian MIL, widowed, attention seeker, -15 minute ago
Indian MIL, widowed for over 20 years, attention seeker, -6 minute ago
Indian MIL, widowed for over 20 years, attention seeker, -3 minute ago
Indian MIL, widowed for over 20 years, attention seeker, 0 second ago
^(To be notified as soon as DepartmentNo6304 posts an update) [^click ^here.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=botinlaw&subject=Subscribe&message=Subscribe DepartmentNo6304 JUSTNOMIL) ^(|) ^(For help managing your subscriptions,) ^(click here.)
^(I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please) ^(contact the moderators of this subreddit) ^(if you have any questions or concerns.)
It’s understandable you’re feeling overwhelmed. Try having a calm, honest talk with your husband about setting small, clear boundaries, like designating the guest room as shared space or limiting certain behaviors, so your needs are respected too. Focus on what you can control, like your own space and time, and keep your own routines. Encourage your husband to gently address your MIL’s fussiness, maybe by suggesting activities or visits outside the house. Prioritize your mental health while being empathetic to your husband’s feelings.
Continue to live your life. Do not accommodate her. Make it clear to your husband he has to be primary when she’s there.
Make it clear you aren’t interested in backstabbing your other in-laws. That it’s not tolerated in your home.
The fussiness needs to be addressed by him.
You’re not wrong for feeling drained, she’s filling a role in your husband’s life that leaves no room for you. Set clear boundaries: what spaces are shared, how much time you’ll give, and what’s off-limits emotionally. You don’t need his permission to protect your peace. Be kind, but firm. She’s not your responsibility.
I’m going to be honest with you here, I don’t think he will change. He told you it would be a dealbreaker for him from the get go for his spouse to not get along with his mom. I don’t think he will be willing to get therapy to deal with his fear of death and he definitely is not going to be willing to make his mother stay elsewhere or for shorter periods of time. You said she has a strained relationship with her other DIL’s so your husband feels more of an obligation to take care of her so I can only assume that means your BIL’s have put boundaries on her making your husband feel more obligated to step up. This is cultural that Indian sons take care of their mothers especially when they are widowed.
I think you need to reevaluate if this is something you can put up with every other year, or if this is a deal breaker for you.
Sounds like you’re stuck between being supportive and feeling suffocated by your MIL’s demands. Have you considered having an open conversation with your husband about your feelings and boundaries? Maybe frame it as a concern for your future family’s dynamics and your own well-being. You could also try setting small boundaries now, like designating certain spaces as yours or establishing alone time, to see how it goes.
This isn’t a ‘visit’ it’s a long term stay!
His mother-he deals with her! It may be a deal breaker but he can’t force a relationship on you (and SHOULDN’T!!)
OP, There is a forum https://www.reddit.com/r/InsideIndianMarriage/
That might be helpful for you because of the cultural issues.
I am an older American woman and my advice slants that way.
Does MIL rotate staying with the other 2 Sons/DILs as well?
I agree with most of the comments, but I don’t agree with your comment, that it’s cultural and won’t change. It can change if we take action to stop it. You and your husband are already in individual therapy, which is a positive step. The next step is couples therapy, where you can establish boundaries with your husband as well as set boundaries as a couple with your mother-in-law.
You NEED to take control of your life or this will be the rest of your life. Shut down the gossip and behaviors you don’t want in your house. Be direct with her that maybe she has a bad relationship with her other DILs because of the way she’s talking about them. I understand it takes a lot of balls to speak up to elders like that (same culture here), but it’s the only way to break the cycle. Either your MIL will fall in line or you’ll find yourself divorced which is not a bad thing. Living like this until your MIL dies is the bad thing.
It’s your husband’s job to handle her but clearly he isn’t. Get into marriage counseling and get on the same page, you need to be on the same team so he will start effectively handling her.
Don’t let your life pass you by, she will only get worse.
Well you are in a tough spot! I do not need to tell you that! Several months per year is A LOT. I get she wants to vent (about DILs), but she is probably doing it for you too, when you’re out of an earshot.
I understand that you cannot simply go to your husband and say “I am uncomfortable with that. Please locate her at the hotel” (people probably will or did suggest it).
And do not divorce him either (people will definitely will suggest it).
Just find your space. If she will say “That is not how I do it” tell her “but that is how I do it!”. Be polite. Always. You don’t want your husband coming and complaining you have been rude to his mum.
So polite. But FIRM. When my MIL ask us about weekend plans, she doesn’t want to contribute. She just wants to know what they are so she can criticise and change them. So when she asks “Do you have plans for weekend?” I placidly respond “Yes.” there is few second pause and she ask “Well, what PLANS????”. I look her straight in the eyes and respond, “Various.”
So my advice it fence your boundaries with a brick wall, be always polite, do not get provoked. If things get really tough, book a holidays with your family and friends during her stay.
And when the children comes….God have mercy on your soul, and come back for more advice 🙂
This is a very tricky situation, a quarter of a year with your MIL is a long time and her behaviour is likely to get worse if you don’t have some coping strategies and boundaries especially if you plan to start a family.
Are there any activities or interests she has that you can help her integrate with to enable you to have some space/breathing room or community support that could help lessen the strain of her visits
I would also have an open and frank discussion about your feelings with your husband before you have children as otherwise you’ll end up growing resentment and missing out on some of the joy of parenting if you’ve got the constant looming dread of an overbearing MIL. It doesn’t mean that you don’t want to see and spend time with his mother, but you want it to be comfortable and appropriate for you both and there needs to be some compromise.
3-4 months out of the year every year?!?! So she’s completely owning and controlling your home and your husband 25-33% of every single year?? I’m so sorry!! I understand that different cultures have different expectations but I just can’t even imagine sharing my home with a husband’s mom who is still fairly young and able bodied up to 1/3 of my life just because she says so. Does your husband understand that she’s taking up the space both physically and emotionally that you will need to build a family?? That she’s actively preventing you from trying to have a baby or having anywhere for that baby to sleep?? I think couples counseling has to be your next step if you’re really determined to stay in this relationship. You deserve to have your partners time and attention and if you have a baby you will need his support. Would he be willing to get the mil a short term rental nearby for her stays?? That way at least she isn’t taking over your home up to 1/3 of your life.
So your husband told you upfront that he won’t marry you if you won’t be down with his enmeshment with his mother? And you agreed to this? …Brooo….
This is tough. I know because I am in your shoes, slightly. My MIL is also a widow and I feel bad about any negativity I feel toward her because I know I would be gutted if I were in her shoes. I can’t totally blame her for wanting a place to rely on, but I also know it can’t be her son.
Men get married and then become the pillar of their households (at least they’re supposed to), and if their attention is divided, then they can’t fully be present as the leader of their own household. I think in these cases…ideally the MIL would be emotionally mature and independent, navigating her feelings and loneliness with strength and self-awareness. So even if she needed a bit of help financially or visited once in a while, she’d find things to do and meet people so as not to burden her son and DIL. But the problem obviously is that these MILs are not emotionally mature and they need someone to hold space for them to feel valuable and validated. Their feelings become a blackhole of neediness that no human being can satisfy.
The difference between you and I though is that my husband does the bare minimum (if that) in placating his mom. He calls her and stuff, but he doesn’t tell her anything important until it’s already passed and he doesn’t do any thoughtful gestures that she expects from him. Another difference is that my MIL is greatly critical of my husband, which I think contributes to his reluctance to play along. My husband loves his mom and he wants to support her financially, but he always keeps her at arm’s length, especially after he realized a while back that he can’t have both a good relationship with his mother and with me when his mother has boundary issues.
I personally think that you need to discuss this with your husband. That you love that he loves his mother and you don’t want to get in the way of that…but this level of closeness and having to share your privacy for several months out of the year is very stressful. Ask if he can shorten her stay to 1 month. It might take some time to work through this, but time will tell…he might wake up and realize his marriage comes first, or he will stubbornly choose his mother over you.
I would think long and hard if this is the life you want, because after you birth children it gets harder to leave.
MIL will notice the shift in his attention (which should be on you and the kids), she will feel insecure and may try to reinsert herself back into his life quite aggressively, to reinstate her relevance to him, she will try to take over your marriage, home and children and it won’t just be for a few months. You will feel like an incubator at worst, a third coparent on the bottom rung at best.
Don’t have his children if he won’t ever put you first.
Sounds like you’re stuck between respecting your husband’s devotion to his mom and dealing with her demanding behavior. Setting boundaries is key. You could try talking to your husband about specific issues, like the territorial behavior or negativity, and see if you can find ways to address them together. Maybe set aside time for your mother-in-law to bond with you, but also prioritize your own needs and activities. Communicating your feelings and needs clearly to your husband is crucial. Maybe you can work together to find a balance that works for both of you.