I (32F) have been with my partner (40M) for a decade. We have lots of ups and downs but ultimately I love him.
I had a potential dealbreaker recently and I needed help understanding if I am being dramatic. TLDR he didn’t respect my wishes in terms of medical treatment and tried to pressure me to not get the treatment I wanted because the wait was long.
The story
I had an ER visit recently after a bike fall and I needed an x-ray and CT scan to make sure nothing was broken. The wait was 12 hours total. I was with my partner.
We found out nothing was broken on the X-ray after 6 hrs. But the doctor wanted to do a CT to make sure I didn’t have any stress fractures because I couldn’t walk.
First six hours partner was in another room. When he was finally allowed to join me in the waiting room I was excited to have him because I was pretty distraught. Instead, he was angry, hungry, telling me now that we know the X-ray is negative a CT scan is overkill the wait is too long let’s leave he had called a ride.
I said clearly, I have not been released. The doctor wants me to have a CT. He said I’m not thinking straight it’ll be another six hours they keep saying it’ll be 1 they’re lying and I responded I don’t care I want to wait. This back and forth continues to the point where he says he’s going to check with a nurse to check with the doctor to see if I really need it. I said fine but I want it. Other patients in the waiting room start intervening saying “hey this girl has been crying she seems like she’s in pain she should just do the scan.”
Finally I get wheeled back room for the CT scan. More waiting. A nurse comes and says they are ready to release me. I say what? They said they had talked to my partner who said I did not want the CT scan. At this point I don’t even know how they plan to release me I can’t walk.
I ask to speak to the doctor. Explaining I am not a medical professional just tell me what I need. He said he thought it was me who said I didn’t want the scan and that his best judgement is to still get it even if the wait is long. Also switching ERs now would be complex insurance wise.
I encourage my boyfriend to leave. I call my dad who calls him and says my daughter needs the scan. Eventually my partner leaves. But he comes back three hours later to bring me crutches and the nurse tells me he’s making a ruckus in the waiting room trying to get me out or speed it up idk what. The nurse asks me if she wants her to handle him for me. I say ok.
He calls and says “I spoke with the nurse and she agrees with me that the scan isn’t necessary and it won’t change anything but I respect your decision I’m leaving.” This is around 9pm at this point. I’m there until 1am.
I ask the nurse when she comes back in if she said that and she says “Is that what he said? I did NOT say that. Let me walk you through it. Is he a doctor???”
I get the scan, everything is fine. I get back home and he’s made the bed. His smile is sweet he is caring. But I have this panic.
Honestly the behavior in that moment scared me so much. I want to have children with this man. What if I am pregnant and he doesn’t respect my wishes? What if we have different views on how to take care of a child with health issues? He has done something similar before where he forced me to report a crime I experienced where I was attacked. I didn’t want to report but he just put 911 on the line against my wishes. In that moment I really needed a hug but instead I got logistics. I am anxious and get panic attacks and I have to beg him to hold me he will be in another room ignoring me. The thing is in my moments of crisis he isn’t there for me, and it’s almost like he makes it worse. It just feels like even if it’s a place of love he’s not listening. It’s very likely he is on the spectrum which is why I give him so much grace when he doesn’t listen to me but this was MY BODY and I don’t know if I can get passed this. I understand compromise. Like I said I experience anxiety and I do feel like I am having a moment of self destruction and this isn’t a big deal and he is the love of my life and why would I destroy what we built together?
I told myself if I spoke to him about it and he apologized truly with remorse and care we could get passed it but he doesn’t feel like he did anything wrong. He was trying to negotiate faster care for me is his POV or convince me to do a scan later and get some rest.
This has haunted me so much we are on a one month break. I honestly feel on the flip side I can be independent enough and learn to comfort myself he is a good man I can’t start over and I miss him.
Thoughts? Am I crazy?
Comments
He’s mean and crazy. This is a crazy response to you being in need. You cannot count on him
Respectfully? He’s showing you exactly who he is. Don’t just dismiss the red flags because you want kids. I’d rather be single than with someone who acted that way during a medical emergency. He disregarded your needs multiple times and lied multiple times. That’s not someone I’d trust with making medical decisions on my behalf.
This would be a dealbreaker for me, yes.
What in the world is his explanation for why he is overriding what you want when you ask him later, calmly? I get the sense that he’s panicking and has medical anxiety and this is his way of coping – but that’s on him to fix, not you to accommodate. Not to mention how actually dangerous it could be.
Does he ignore your bodily autonomy any other way? If a doctor treats you against your wishes, it’s assault. He’s also ignoring your wishes. What would you call that?
If I read one more “I let my partner be abusive because he might be on the spectrum but also this person has no diagnosis and is getting no help for any such thing,” I will scream. You’re not only making excuses for a man’s behavior, but doing it at the expense of the autistic community.
My spouse is autistic and would never EVER lie to medical staff claiming I’d said things I had not, push me to skip a procedure that a doctor had recommended because they didn’t feel like waiting, LEAVE while I was still at a doctor’s office, or “make a ruckus” so severe that nurses were offering to protect me. How do I know? Because I have needed multiple day-long surgeries, and my partner is there, in the waiting room, with snacks, books, and video games, putting in the work.
This particular behavior isn’t indicative of someone “on the spectrum,” this is just an asshole, and not someone to have children with.
Absolute and immediate deal breaker for me.
This is concerning behaviour and I would question whether he’s right for you.
If he simply didn’t want to wait with you, I’d think him a disappointment but pressuring you and lying to you to get you to leave (because he knows how bad leaning you alone in the ER looks) is manipulative and bordering abusive.
Not knowing the circumstances of your other example, I understand why he might want you to report your attack but pressuring a victim in the moment is not the caring way to handle something like that.
One thing that is clear to me is this: YOU are not the love of HIS life.
Love is not a one-person event. You can do better than this guy and you DESERVE better than this guy.
What if this was your child needing a scan?
That would absolutely be a dealbreaker for me.
Straight to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200.
This would be a definite dealbreaker for me. Your boyfriend seems rude, stupid, belligerent, and mean based on what you wrote. I cannot even fathom my husband telling me not to get the testing a doctor suggested. I have chronic illness and have spent numerous hours in the ER and my husband is always there with me to support me and advocate for me to get the best medical care.
Your boyfriend didn’t want to wait around anymore for them to do your scan and was willing to risk your health and that is incomprehensible to me. If you love and truly care about someone’s well being then you want the best for them. You deserve better treatment, love.
I didn’t need to read the post to answer your title question: yes. A partner not respecting your medical decision is 100% a deal breaker.
After reading your post: holy shit this is terrifying behavior. Not only is he pestering you about a decision you made, he’s intervening in your ability to make that decision by going to the medical staff behind your back and against your wishes. That is a MASSIVE problem. Your partner should be the person you trust in cases like this, and he’s doing the opposite of what you ask. Could you ever trust him to make a choice to requested if you were incapacitated? If, for example, he had power of attorney because you were unconscious, would he actually make the right decisions for you? From what you’ve written here it seems like the answer is absolutely not.
I would not trust this man, have children with him, or continue a relationship with him. I would also be incredibly careful about how you go about ending the relationship because he doesn’t sound particularly stable and has shown some scary behavior. Please be safe.
You are not crazy, please trust your gut. And ask yourself, do his actions in the ER demonstrate love? Or even respect for your bodily autonomy? He is showing you his true self. Believe him.
Complete and total deal breaker across the board on many levels.
This happened for a reason. You needed to see this.
This is not a man that prioritizes your safety. It would be a dealbreaker for me.
He showed you who he is. Please don’t start a family with this guy. Its only downhill from here.
You are absolutely right to worry about what his reaction to this will mean when you are pregnant. I would seriously consider if this selfishness and tantrums are standard part of his behaviour, because pregnancy is a whole different kettle of fish. I am currently 39 weeks and spent 4 hours in triage a few days ago until midnight only to be told that the pain I was experiencing was a leg cramp and to eat a banana (I was told to come in in case it was a blood clot). My husband, who normally can’t stay up past 9pm, was completely fine with it, because OF COURSE HE WAS. Because needing medical attention is NOT YOUR FAULT. Your health should be his priority. My husband has been supportive with every medical decision I have made for me or baby, because that is what a respectful partner does.
Throughout my pregnancy I have kept thinking about how glad I am to be with my husband and not my ex. My husband who doesn’t mind when I slept 14 hours a day during my first trimester, who would encourage me to nap while he made supper. Who buys me all my cravings and covers all our expenses so I can be completely focused on this pregnancy. As opposed to my ex, who would make a big show about being so caring while I had the flu then get bored and annoyed with me by the second day and try to drag me out of bed because making me tea was just too much work. A time limit to empathy is no empathy at all when its something you have no control over.
And before you panic about age or how long you’ve spent with your boyfriend so far – I met my husband at 31 and we are having our first baby at 33. Life is going to get more complex, more difficult, and health will inevitably deteriorate. You need someone who will stick with you even when its inconvenient for them.
He lied to and attempted to manipulate several people in order to get what he wanted, which was to force you to leave a hospital. That is legitimately scary behavior.
Do you think this is a person who could be trusted to behave safely around a colicky baby? Or would he get angry at them for needing help too?
Yeah this is the dude that cheats when your pregnant and leave when you have cancer, zero dependability. Absolutely lack of respect or care for you, and straight up lying to medical professionals and to you with no remorse.
He doesn’t respect your decisions and he’s outright lied to you to try and get his way. I would hesitate to have children with this man.
Your gut is right. Listen to it girl. This is NOT NORMAL reaction to your spouse being in the hospital.
You’re not being dramatic or overreacting. You’re absolutely right to be concerned about how he would respond or behave during childbirth or really any major emergency or life decision. He doesn’t respect your autonomy, thinks his time is more valuable than your health, and frankly he interfered when he’s not even your next of kin.
This is instant dump behavior
You could not walk from an injury but he wanted you to ditch getting a CT Scan?
What will he do when you have a baby with him? Be an abandoning jerk then, too?
Do not marry this man or have a baby with him.
I say this gently: You were only 22 while he was 30 when you got together. Women his age knew better. Now that you’re in your 30s you’re waking up and realizing the relationship isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. GTFO and figure out who you are without him. You’ve already given him most of your 20s, you don’t have to give him the rest of your life.
Honey, what? How long has he been this controlling, coercive and abusive? You had to call your father to get this man to listen to you? And they haven’t asked you to leave him?!
He does not see you as an actual person. This man will one day force you to have an abortion. Or a baby.
Being autistic doesn’t make you abusive and angry and controlling. If he was causing such a scene that staff and even other patients were intervening to defend you and de-escalate the situation, his behaviour and abuse is likely much worse than you described and probably a lot worse than you even realize after being with him for so long. Please don’t bring children into the world to grow up in an abusive home with an angry man. You are not crazy, he is gaslighting you and making you feel that way.
Dealbreaker. Controlling behaviour and dismissive. What happens if something more serious happens?
1 year into my relationship I decided to get foot surgery for a nerve issue. It wasn’t necessary, except I am really active and could only walk short distances. It required many drives into the city (3 hours away) for appointments, and then not walking for 6 weeks. I’m glad I did it just to know my partner isn’t as big of a scumbag as so many of them apparently are. He did everything – he filled my ice bucket, carried me to bed in the spare room, carried me into the ER at 11pm when I needed stronger pain meds, did all the cooking and cleaning and shopping because I couldn’t even drive. That is what a partner SHOULD DO.
NB As someone w RN training, IK for a fact that an RN would never say an MD-ordered CT Scan in an ER should be ignored and not completed.
Dealbreaker. Better safe than sorry is always and unequivocally the only response any “partner” should ever have when their loved one is in need of medical care. A true “partner” would be advocating for you to get more tests, not less.
Girl that would be the last time I ever spoke to that man. He failed you in your time of need and caused a scene- for what? Just because he didn’t want to deal with it. It’s not like this was a weeks long process. We’ve all had long crappy days in an ER either for ourselves or there with someone we love. He couldn’t even take a long day of caring for you in the way you wanted to be cared for. Dump him sis.
It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.
Oh hell no. If I was dating someone who not only pushed for me to leave the hospital against medical advice, but then LIED about discussions, the relationship would be over before I was discharged. That man will not respect any of your future wishes, medical or otherwise. He thinks he knows best and has the right to dictate your life and that is extremely dangerous.
Whoa. Ct scans are VASTLY different than xrays.
Imagine if he treat a son or daughter the same way he treated you. I think you’d feel a hell of alot different and it would be a clear choice. This man doesn’t respect you. He went AGAINST your wishes and LIED to the medical staff there. Even if he is on the spectrum, that does absolve him of his actions and behaviors.
Get away from this boy as soon as humanly possible. For christ sake, you couldn’t walk and he wanted to leave. He didnt have to be there, left then came back and made a bigger scene. The fact that he doesn’t think he didn’t anything wrong tells me that he genuinely doesn’t give a shit about you. This also tells me that he makes you feel small and has been gas lighting you for years. Idk how you are even questioning if you are over reacting considering what happened. Hes also probably a bug reason why your anxiety is so severe. You don’t have a partner, you have a child that has tantrums for a “boyfriend”.
This is scary behavior. He went against medical advice and your own opinion/wants and tried to have you discharged. He thought his opinion was more important than yours, or the doctors. It’s mind blowing that he believes he has the authority and the right to override you.
You may have been fine, but what if you weren’t? What if you had a serious issue like internal bleeding, and he forced you to go home without treatment? You could have died while at home “resting.” And let’s be honest, he didn’t care about you getting rest. He was just inconvenienced and wanted to leave.
If you marry him, medical professionals will have to listen to him in any scenario where you are unable to make your own decisions. That’s honestly terrifying. You’re not crazy, and your instinct to run is spot on.
He lied to medical professionals about what YOU wanted and then lied to YOU about what medical professionals said. Huge red flags.
Dump him!!!! This behavior is completely unacceptable and unhelpful.
Now you know how he is when you need his support for medical issues, and he is the worst person to have on your side.
“he is very likely on the spectrum” yah me too, not an excuse to be a fuck up like this.
Yes, this is very concerning. His trying to dictate what care you receive when you already made it clear what you wanted is a gigantic red flag. If he’s your emergency contact consider changing that asap. I hate to think what might happen if you were incapacitated and unable to advocate for yourself.
Let me drop this here:
https://freebooksmania.com/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that-pdf-free-download-by-lundy-bancroft.html
Absolutely a deal breaker, and a major one at that.
Also kind of wild to me that they were going to discharge you based solely on his word that you didn’t want the CT. You are an adult with full decision making capacity, and even if you weren’t he’s not your medical proxy or next of kin.
This man is at best mentally ill and unaware, and at worst manipulative and intentional. You are NOT crazy. It sounds like he’s on drugs tbh (my ex was an addict). I’m so so happy you called your dad and got him involved. This is a huge deal breaker for me (I am chronically ill).
You’re on a break. Stay on it.
After ten years, if this is how he behaves, definitely DO NOT tie yourself to him for life.
I would SERIOUSLY reconsider this relationship.
He was UNCOMFORTABLE so he wanted to risk your health.
Please put yourself first and get away from this incredibly selfish man child OR have someone else who is your Medical POA and Emergency Contact. He will do what is easiest for him
Let me tell you about the man i married who pulled similar medical BS while we were together. I was pregnant with my 3rd child and he abandoned me in preterm labor for 5 days at the hospital. Didn’t even tell my family I was in the hospital. I was on a magnesium drip, I couldn’t see, I didn’t eat those 5 days because the hospital refused to accommodate my allergy and eventually I started struggling to breathe. My OBG got fed up and came to the hospital to check on me because the hospital refused to update her! She cried holding my hand and then step by step walked me through discharging myself. My next appointment my doc told me the hospital almost killed me. I was too weak and sick from being overdosed on magnesium to even tell them anything was wrong.
Run from this man. Your life will at some point be in his hands if you don’t and you could die because of it.
Yes it’s a deal breaker.
Wow. There’s just so much wrong with that.
This is not a man to have children with. His actions are showing you this. Don’t ignore the red flags. A breakup is easier and less expensive than a divorce with children involved.
He has shown you exactly who he is. He is someone who does not care for you, and does not care about your health. Someone you’d consider marrying should be by your side the entire time, ensuring you’re properly checked and nothing was missed. That’s the lowest the bar should go.
The longer you stick around and make excuses for someone who doesn’t love you, the longer you go without being loved. You deserve to love AND to be loved and that’s not what you’re getting here. I would have stuck around in the ER with a friend, or even a freaking stranger if they needed me, longer than the person you’re considering making your partner legally stuck around for you. Settling for someone like this is just announcing to the world that you don’t value yourself and don’t think you’re worthy of being treated well. You’re wrong because you absolutely are. Let this jerk go and find someone who helps you to see that.
So you were 22 and he was 30 when you started dating. Does he always treat you like his child instead of his equal? Is this a common theme in your relationship where your wants/needs/feelings are always overruled by his? You say he’s never any help in a crisis. Hun, life is full of crises, and you need a life partner that’s going to be supportive during these times. Not make you feel worse during them.
His behavior described in your post, in addition to him taking nude photos of you without your consent (!!!) as described in one of your comments, is incredibly selfish, manipulative, and abusive. Please do not waste another minute of your life on this man. There are lots of good men out there who will comfort you in your times of need. You deserve better!
I’ve only gotten halfway through this post and from what I’ve read up to, your partner values a meal over your ability to walk.
You’re not crazy. Leave him in the dumpster where he belongs.
Okay. So, definitely don’t have children with this man. He showed you who he was today when it comes to your bodily autonomy. In fact, the 911 incident was him showing you who he was with regards to your autonomy, period. This guy’s only going to get more controlling the longer you’re together. IDGAF if he is on the spectrum. So am I, and I know how to respect other people’s wishes.
You’re 32. You can start over. You have a lot of living left to do, and maybe some outgrowing of this man — you were 22 when you got together? Mmh.
He showed you who he is. All he had to do was sit and wait with you patiently and instead chose to spend his time manipulating health care workers supposedly on your behalf. Imagine what he would decide when you are deemed unable to yourself?
They say you shouldn’t marry someone who won’t be there for you at your hospital bedside or waiting room. I think you have your answer.
i’m not sure if he is lying and manpiulating you and your medical care team because he is inconvenienced or for some other reason. either way, that is a pretty nasty thing to do imo. how do you trust this man again? isn’t part of the whole point of getting married having someone to help care for you when ill or at end of life?
put another way – it’s one thing for a man to think he knows better than you or to attempt to dictate your decision making in some way – many of us have been there, be that example big or small. but it’s a whole other thing to act to that end consciously against medical advice by a doctor. that is an extreme step
That would 100% be a deal breaker for me. He’s lying and manipulating about your medical care. He’s lying to medical professionals about your wishes, which means you could NEVER trust him to advocate for you if you needed him to, and he’s lying to you about what doctors/nurses are telling him in order to trick you. This is all very intentional behaviour.
I think this guy is a very dangerous partner to have. Thank goodness this wasn’t a medical situation where you couldn’t fully advocate for yourself. The other awful thing about this besides all of the crazy lying is that he should actually WANT you to get the best care possible. Unfortunately that wasn’t something important to him.
Do NOT have children with this man omg!!
Your experience was truly frightening. I think deep down you know this isn’t right and you can not trust him in an emergency. But let’s just say this very clearly, this is abuse.
I have a feeling this is not the first time he’s railroaded you. I’m going to suggest you read this book: Why does he do that. It’s free to download here: https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
This is wild!! If my partner behaved like this is would be the last day I ever spent with him.
Imagine what it would be like if you were diagnosed with cancer or some other illness. They recommend chemo or radiation, he says don’t do it because it would be too time consuming?
I think you might have found the most selfish man I have ever heard of.
When someone shows you who they are, you should believe them.
ETA: being autistic doesn’t make you a completely selfish asshole. Stop excusing shitty behaviour.
This is abuse. Trying to deny you medical care you want and that medical professionals say you need by LYING to you and said professionals is abusive, full stop.
No ifs, ands, or buts about it.
Also, failing to respond to your anxiety attacks when he is capable of doing so and you are asking him to is extremely neglectful.
Throw the whole man away. “I can’t start over”? Honey, you can’t afford not to start over.
Let me move all these red flags out of the way realy quick.
For him NOT being a doctor to tell YOU who suffered the injury. You don’t need the scan? Well fuck that.
Then to tell you the nurse agreed with him. When you knew fully that she went out their on your side?
Honey, I think its time to say good bye.
What if who just gave in and went home only to end up with something more serious that wasn’t caught because HE said you didn’t need a scan?
Girl 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
The ER is a wild place so for them to complain about him means he was acting next level.
Do NOT have kids with him. If you disagree on anything about your child he’ll override you. I can’t imagine a more helpless feeling as a mom.
Girl, this man would pull the plug on you if you needed to be on life-support. This is not the person you want making medical decisions for you in case you were incapacitated.
Having kids is one of the most vulnerable situations and absolutely the most vulnerable MEDICAL situation I have ever put myself in. I would rather be a single mom than put my trust in someone who behaved the way your partner did in this story
It sounds like arrogance. He decided that his opinion was more important than the doctors’, nurses’ or even your own about your medical treatment. There are SO many decisions involved in a normal pregnancy with no complications. That’s not something to enter into lightly
Just for some perspective, I am a complete stranger and do not know you. I would have sat there, patiently, as long as you needed. I don’t know you and I’d do that for anyone.
Yes, you can start over. Do not have children with this man. His “apology” included that he doesn’t think he did anything wrong? There is no hope there. It wasn’t a misunderstanding. He isn’t saying he made a mistake and won’t do it again. This is a very clear indication of who he is and he will not change. Full stop.
Omg stop gaslighting yourself he does enough of that for you.
Leave this shmuck. He’s the type to say save the baby let the mother bleed out. He doesnt respect your agency or bodily integrity. He violated you and your wishes.
If you stay, its on you
My husband argues with me to convince me to change my mind, and that’s annoying, but the day he overrules me about my own life and health, it’s over. He went behind your back. Everything here on, you’re denying him access to your medical because he’s untrustworthy. Can’t build a life on that. Too bad.
> He was trying to negotiate faster care for me is his POV or convince me to do a scan later and get some rest.
lol.
Let’s be totally clear here, he was bored waiting around for the testing to be done and was getting impatient to leave. And one of the multiple childish ploys that he came up with to try to gtfo was to go so far as to LIE TO THE MEDICAL STAFF, behind your back no less, and say that YOU were the one who didn’t want the CT scan.
Like, do you know how fucked up that is? He went completely against your right to make medical decisions for yourself and lied to the staff that you had decided to on a completely different plan of action in order to sabotage your care… all because he’d rather be at home instead of at a boring hospital.
Let me repeat that: This guy tried sabotaging not only the medical care you desired but the medical care recommended by the doctor as your best option all because the fact that he was bored was more important to him than your fucking health.
This is beyond a deal breaker. He’s a liar and he doesn’t care how it affects you.
The pestering is shitty but something you could argue through but the intervening with your doctor against your wishes means he is absolutely someone you do not want to go through childbirth or elder care through. Trust that fear you felt.
Nope. He is not the love of your life. He’s a jerk.
If y’all had kids, how would he treat them?
Well, at least now you know he’s willing to lie and compromise your health outcomes to save himself a minor inconvenience.
So that’s good.
OP, I hate to say this because I realize how life changing this is for you but I can’t see how you will ever be able to trust this man to support your decisions or autonomy – as an individual now and as a parent in the future. His behavior is telling you that to him, his view matters most, he is always right and that he’s perfectly comfortable lying and manipulating to get his way. He sees nothing wrong with that. I’m sure he has good moments, everyone does – but no part of his behavior here lines up with your description of him as a “good man”. What he did here is appalling and the fact is he was willing to risk your safety because he didn’t feel like waiting and decided he knew more than a doctor.
Please don’t have a child with this man. You deserve better. So does your future kid.
He lied. He lied to you and lied to a nurse. To try and get what he wanted. He tried to go around your decisions in a healthcare environment. He’s undermined your trust in him. THAT’S why it’s haunting you.
Regardless of why he acts like this, it’s going to be a burden on you. That lack of trust.
Also, you don’t need to wait for him to do something really REALLY shitty before ending the relationship. It’s your life. It doesn’t matter how any of this looks to outsiders, it matters that his behaviour, at the very least, might wear you down.
As someone who is currently 30 weeks pregnant, I can tell you that you need to have that trust in your partner if you plan to have children. My husband is my medical proxy during this time, and we have talked about my wishes, as I will be in so much pain and unable to think rationally. There are a lot of situations you need to be ready for, and you have to trust your partner to uphold your wishes.
I’ve also been to the hospital a couple of times for minor health issues during this pregnancy. He has been there every step of the way, regardless of wait times. He is in my corner and right by my side.
You are not describing the kind of man you should be having kids with. Talk is cheap, his actions are a major red flag. Run.
I’ve had kidney stone and kidney stone scares. I’ve also had foot surgery. Not once has my husband complained about the wait time, no matter how long or boring the process is. And he NEVER makes me feel bad when they can’t find a stone and they send me home with no treatment. Life is going to come with more than one of these scenarios and this guy is not it.
Kids? This man is guaranteed to not stick to your potential future birth plan. You could end up with him making serious decisions about your birth(s) that you aren’t comfortable with. He’s clearly a terrible advocate and an even worse support. I wouldn’t want him in a one mile radius of me giving birth.
I’d be so fucking embarrassed by his selfish, childish tantrum when all I needed was patient support. Gross.
I hope you find someone who likes you.
I’m wondering why he needed you NOT to be discharged or seen further. To the point where he brought you crutches to leave early? Does he hit you? Or maybe have a history of hitting people? All of this reads as abuse and your inability to advocate for yourself makes me think it happens more than you think. A lot of abusers are super sweet when the episode is over. You get love bombed, gifts, sweet words. That’s how they keep you. He may not be physically abusive but there’s signs. Pls dump him asap. Universe is screaming about it to you. Listen to it.
You are not crazy. This person is crazy and reckless.
Here’s a scenario – you’re pregnant and something happens maybe – you get gestational diabetes and go into diabetic shock or something. You’re in a coma and they can only save you or the baby.
Which do you think he would go with? Think about all these examples of behavior that is not normal in a relationship, think about him. Which would he save? You or the baby? Which answer would you want him to give?
If you want to have children this could become reality. I hate to be blunt but this behavior could also get much worse. If he cannot control being activated and lashes out having violent or abusive meltdowns, he needs medication possibly and therapy for sure. But that is not your problem. You are not his mother.
You are still young enough to make it happen with someone else. I would never let someone who does not respect my wishes about my body get me pregnant. Get out and get safe and get rid of this one.
I’m going to answer your question before I read your statement. THIS is the number one reason I am single. My health is not good and I have never met a man that I would trust with my life and my medical decisions. 🤷🏼♀️ If he’s giving you reason to doubt already, I would get the f*** out. But that might just be me.
Remember this is the person who’s going to decide if you get institutionalized, if you get hospitalized, if you get medical care, surgery, life dancing procedures or if you get unplugged.
(If certain people get their way he might be the one to decide if you get lobotomized because you were being mouthy)
If you directly expressed your wishes and he ignored them anyway then he does not give two f**** about you and he does not respect you 🤷🏼♀️.
IT IS THE MOST BASIC LEVEL OF DECENCY AND LOVE AND CARE TO MAKE SURE SOMEONE’S WISHES ARE FOLLOWED.
The way he behaved in this scenario is a scream for help from the universe towards you. Please, love yourself and use your support network to leave this person. This is not acceptable in any way, and I could not imagine doing something like for that for an acquaintance, much less for a significant other.
This is how he reacts in stressful situations, prioritizing his own desires over other’s needs. He’s shown you who he is, believe him. Can you imagine being pregnant with this guy? Let alone having kids, or even pets. God forbid he have to actually set his wants aside to take care of another human being.
I’d say you are underreacting if you haven’t dumped him.
He acted very impatient towards your potential health issue. Major red flag. Don’t have kids with this person.
Gross. Why would you sign up for a lifetime of this?
He made the entire experience about him being inconvenienced, not about you being hurt. He had a billion other options than lie to and manipulate the medical staff so he wouldn’t have to stay there any longer than he wanted to.
I’ll be blunt: you. can. do. BETTER.
Why couldn’t he just leave? Because he wanted to be in control of you in a vulnerable state. Your pain is good for him, that’s what it will continue to be if you stay. Keep away!
I didn’t read past the title. Yes.
He both lied to you and the medical staff because for him waiting in the ER was an inconvenience more important than your long term well being.
It’s insanely dangerous to have a partner dismissing your wants related to your health care. Even more having one that interfere with the staff.
What if you were unconscious and needed someone to take decision for yourself?
My husband and I mainly got married so we could take medical decision for each other, in order to avoid other family member we don’t trust to make decisions we wouldn’t agree with.
This is a humongous deal breaker.
So. He’s manipulative and abusive. Ignores you and tries to steamroll your decisions about your body. He doesn’t respect what you say, and he certainly doesn’t respect YOU. At all.
This is absolutely a deal breaker, you cannot trust this man. He will make decisions for you when you are vulnerable and unable to speak for yourself. He already has. He ignored what you and the doctor said and MANIPULATIVELY tried to get you discharged early. Lied about what the doctor and nurse said. Not for your benefit. For his own convenience.
Your pain and emergency were an inconvenience to him. Your life and possible long-term health (if there was a serious issue that needed to be fixed there and then) matters less than his hunger and his mood. Let that sink in. He’s willing to risk you suffering for the rest of your life so he can go home early.
So, if you decide to have kids, if you have a tear or whatever medically necessary thing that requires you to rest, not have sex, etc., He will 100% pressure you into it. You could re-tear, have an infection, and ignore you wanting to go to the hospital. He won’t take your kid’s sicknesses seriously, either. He won’t even change a nappy for you.
Is this really the type of person you picture yourself being vulnerable to have kids with? Someone so selfish, he sees you or even the baby as competition.
There is nothing good about this person at all. What he did was actually horrifying and a massive warning to you to never let him darken your door again. You need to understand. He is the type of man to leave you when you’re seriously ill. He’s an AH, being neurodivergent is not an excuse.
Uhhhhhh he couldn’t respect your wishes this time around and made the whole process worse. Why would you want to have kids with this person. As you say what if you end up in labour for 40 hours and he’s like “this is taking too long let’s go.”
Like it’s not even like he really asked you. He just steamrolled and then went and did things for you without you knowing. Things you didn’t want to do. And he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. That’s a whole pile of dealbreakers for me.
To put this in a long-term perspective, I work in palliative care and help families with making serious medical decisions for loved ones in cases of complex illness and end of life. This was not an end of life situation, but when you do get there (as we all will), you need to have someone you trust to make decisions on your behalf as if you were making them yourself even if they don’t agree. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times a family member will go against the wishes of their loved one and it causes unnecessary suffering—that was the wrong person to have in charge.
If he is doing this now, imagine how it will be in a more serious situation. Not to mention the distress he caused to your care team and other patients who were also there. This doesn’t seem like a person you’d want to trust with your well being. I would be concerned if I witnessed this behavior in my work.
Also, you’re never too young to do your advanced directives and assign who you would want to be your power of attorney for healthcare.
Oh honey, a 30-year-old gets with a 20 year old because he doesn’t want to have to respect a woman his own age or include her in his decisions.
He wants someone he can control and manipulate.
You say you’ve been together all this time and you love him deeply. Are you ignoring the fact that he doesn’t seem to love you? Can you list five reasons you love him or know he loves you or have you just been gaslighting yourself this whole time, like he probably taught you to? If one of the reasons is because you “couldn’t live without him” you have a big problem! Leave now!
IF YOU CAN’T COME UP WITH ANY REAL REASONS – LEAVE NOW!
He’s more concerned about a few hours of his time than about your HEALTH and WELL-BEING and COMFORT! THAT DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR YOUR FUTURE PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH WITH THIS MAN!
HE TRIED TO INTERFERE IN YOUR MEDICAL CARE!! (bad enough)
WHEN HE WASN’T EVEN THERE WAITING… (Ru kidding me? Y)
FOR NO REASON AT ALL BUT TO PREVENT YOU FROM GETTING THE CARE YOU NEEDED 😳 (EXTREMELY CONCERNING)
He has many priorities and you’re NOT one of them.
He lies to you and about you and gaslights you and we’re not talking in general, we’re talking about your f** HEALTH AND WELL BEING he’s doing this with!
You would have to be brain dead to have a child with a man you already know is going to ignore your wishes and thoughts and feelings. 🤦🏼♀️
He lied to the doctor about what you wanted. He lied to you about what the nurse said. HE wanted to leave and repeatedly did everything he could get what HE wanted. Above his ailing partner!!
Let’s cut the buzzwords, it’s not a red flag: that’s outrageously disrespectful, demeaning, selfish, and terrifying. Regardless of how long you’ve been together, his disregard for your safety by going against medical advice because he was bored is not worth spending another second with him.
I’m so mad for you! This is unacceptable!! In the worst situation possible, he repeatedly chose himself over his suffering life partner. This is unforgivable!
Oof. That is bad. I’m an emergency nurse and that is bad. If you marry him, he will be your medical POA. I wouldn’t want someone who doesn’t respect my medical decisions be my medical POA.
This is absolutely, unequivocally, a dealbreaker. He directly disobeyed your wishes for your own medical treatment, spent hours arguing with you about your decision to follow the advice of your doctor, lied to you multiple times claiming that medical professionals agreed with him when they did not, and then finally after spending hours harassing you and making things worse, he finally left you alone in the hospital. Being on the spectrum has nothing to do with this, he’s just a piece of shit. Stay broken up, do not look back. A good man does not behave like this.
Do not have children with this man.
Honestly, this filled me with dread to read. His failure to respect your medical wishes, the way he behaved, the repeat offenses…everything. I believe this is the tip of the iceberg.
I’m also curious if he has mental health issues or a drinking/drug problem because these behaviors follow that pattern. (– Rhetorical curiosity.)
If you marry this guy he WILL be the one making these decisions and telling convenient stories to your parents if that’s what works better for him.
That’s reason enough.
My sister died having a baby. Thankfully we agreed with her husband about all of her care and when to discontinue her life support. If we didn’t, we couldn’t have done a thing about it. Same thing for the baby in the NICU one floor up.
It matters. Really really matters. I would consider this enough info to leave this guy and I’m not usually one of those people on reddit.
So you were 22 and he was 30 when you married? Because he doesn’t think about your safety at all and something tells me this age gap from the very beginning made things problematic in similar ways. Hon, nobody who loves you would not want you to find out for sure about medical issues. If he stayed home and came back to pick you up later, I could see that as it is a long wait, but to try to get you to not get the scan is… crazy.
You are not crazy and I’m very proud of you for holding your boundaries. That can be really hard especially when you’re under duress and dealing with a partner who is stressing you out more.
This man does not have your best interest at heart and he does not care to listen to your opinions about your own body. No good can come from that.
I think you should make the one month break a forever break —but I know it’s easier said than done. Sending love 💛
And by the way, please know that you can (and probably should) tell any health professional that he is not allowed to see any of your records or make any decisions for you. Have them note it in your charts. Make sure he isn’t your emergency contact. Make sure it says that in your phone.
Runrunrunrunrunrun
This is egregiously selfish on his part. He prioritized his feelings of boredom or impatience over your health.
Burn it down! I am getting divorced right now at 44. The last straw was my husband dropping me off at the ER and saying “Keep me posted” when I was having a cardiac event. This stuff doesn’t get any better and just weighs you down more and more over time. Autism is also not an excuse for this sort of thing! My stbx and I are both on the spectrum and it’s clear that he is a selfish ass because he is a man and not because he is autistic.
🚩🚩🚩
Imagine being in labor and him acting like this. I can hear it now..
“You don’t need an epidural, it’s against our birth plan. I already talked to the nurse and she agrees you don’t need one.”
What a jerk!
That’s scary he would put you in danger. I’m sorry you went through 12 hours of stress without someone you love to help you. He sounds super selfish and does not value you. I hope you find better
God, I hope this is fake.
> I want to have children with this man.
Well, you’re gonna have to have children with someone else.
> Thoughts? Am I crazy?
You will be, if you reproduce with this man.
And everybody at the hospital saw it. The nurses saw it, the doctor saw it, the receptionist saw it, and the strangers in the waiting room saw it. You are not even married to this fucker, yet thought he could dictate your medical decisions.
The fact that he was able to manipulate a bunch of ER staff is disturbing beyond belief. You have no idea the level of manipulation these people see every day, and it is not easy to put things past a team of ER nurses or an ER doctor. They deal with malingerers, they deal with dysfunctional relatives trying to pry into people’s business, they deal with drug addicts. Your boyfriend managed to play these people and you should be very terrified by that behavior.
Your partner has proven that, in a medical crisis, he does not have good judgment. He instead manipulates the hospital staff, causes problems, and lies to you about it. This is not the kind of person you want when you’re in labor, or if you receive a devastating diagnosis, or if you have a medically fragile/special needs child. it’s also not the kind of person you want helping you through your parents’ death, their medical issues and sorting through their estate.
It was just a CT scan. No normal person has an issue with someone else getting a recommended CT scan.
My husbands on the spectrum. If a dr told me I needed a medical test he’d be right beside me making sure I got every test/treatment I needed. Being on the spectrum doesn’t make someone abusive.
IT IS A DEALBREAKER. His behavior is crazy.
Whether you stay with him or not – someone who lies, manipulates, gets impatient, and can’t be relied on in a crisis is not parent material. Absolutely do not have children with this man. And sure, you can definitely learn to comfort yourself – millions of single people everywhere rely on themselves for comfort in crisis. The question is, do you wanna have to learn to be single in a relationship?
You need to get out. You couldn’t walk and he literally tried to get you to leave the ER before proper medical treatment. Not to mention he’s now lied to multiple people. And he calls you more stress instead of being a comfort. Frankly I’d be worried that he would abuse you and then lie what happened. Call your dad and get out asap
Do you know how awful your boyfriend had to be, for a bunch of people in a hospital waiting room to stand up to him on your behalf?
Most people stay out of stuff like this. They see a couple arguing, they mind their business, and just pretend like the situation isn’t happening.
I can at least speak for myself, if I were the waiting room of a hospital, and a couple started arguing about treatment, you’d have to be a REAL dickhead for me to intervene.
Omg run. Imagine growing old with this person. God forbid you get really sick someday and this is who you have to rely on? Sounds like all he was thinking about was himself.
Not respecting your medical decision was a dealbreaker. Telling the doctor you had decided against the scan when you hadn’t was a dealbreaker. Lying to you about what the nurse said was a dealbreaker. Making a scene in the waiting room was a dealbreaker. Trying to manipulate you was a dealbreaker. Taking nude photos of you without consent was a dealbreaker. Not apologising for his atrocious behaviour was a dealbreaker.
The man is serving you very little EXCEPT dealbreakers, so please, I beg you, leave him. I promise you deserve better and can find better than this.
I’ve been the partner waiting in the ER for 12+ hours, multiple days in a row, multiple times. All I wanted was for my partner to get the best care, no matter how long it took. I would NEVER do what your partner did. YOU would never do what your partner did. Your partner only cares about himself and what he wants; he’s made this abundantly clear.
Yeah, that is definitely a deal breaker. Before I read the post I thought he was trying to talk you out of getting lasic or bariatric surgery and was maybe motivated by being worried for you or something like that. You know, something like a panicked “My aunt got permanent dry eye after that eye surgery and her vision didn’t improve as much as it was supposed to, please don’t do it, what if you go blind?!” That’s a kind of not respecting medical decisions that one might wonder about being a deal breaker. What your dude did is a red flag the size of China.
Do not have children with this man. I had to be in the hospital for 7 days after I had my baby. My husband had to fight to get me treatment because I couldn’t advocate for myself. It sounds like your partner wouldn’t be able to do the same
>It’s very likely he is on the spectrum
Hi, I am also on the spectrum and speak from experience when I say that autism doesn’t make you act like a giant piece of shit the way your boyfriend did here.
Do not give him grace about this, because he doesn’t deserve any. He wanted you to leave the hospital against medical advice because being at the ER was inconvenient for him and he lied to you and about you to try to get his way. This man is a hazard to your health and not to be trusted.
Just here to add 2 cents about your “he’s likely on the spectrum” theory, which has a bit of a flaw to it: adults with level 1 autism don’t tend to lie or manipulate the truth for their desired outcome—that requires a great deal of emotional regulation and social skill, not a scenario an adult with ASD is likely to seek out. Adults with autism may use mild deception (such as masking their autistic traits) as a self-protective strategy in social situations where they fear not fitting in, stigma or judgment. But generally, they’re more likely to be honest to a fault. Lying and/or manipulating the truth for personal gain is more a sign of a personality disorder than ASD.
Idk girl….somebody at 40 being so impatient while you’re in pain doesn’t sound right to me
Heavily considering how long you’ve been together, it can be tough to see outside of your situation. You’re used to him, you love him.
But please take this seriously. You’re lacking boundaries. He has trampled all over your choices in an emergency situation. You’ve been together for a decade. This means that he’s likely done this kind of thing before and your response made him think that’s okay. It’s not. It could’ve been a couple big events, it could’ve been a small thing. Regardless, he’s clearly used to ignoring your boundaries. It’s more likely that you’re not enforcing them or you’re not confident in them. This will ultimately lead to him feeling like he has dictatorship over situations like this. It’s up to you if it’s something you want to be in. Or if it’s something you can manage (repeatedly enforcing your boundaries, stronger than you may be doing now).
It’s not that he’s not all the things you said (kind, generous, whatever). It’s that he’s not a reliable means of support in an emergency situation. And that’s a tough thing to teach (if he even wants to learn how to be supportive).
You are crazy if you stay another moment with this man.
This is a massive red flag. I recently got out of a relationship with someone who increasingly dismissed my complexity medical needs.
He’s devaluing you, making you second guess yourself AND manipulating the situation, literally lying about the words of medical professionals, and this is just the beginning. It will only get worse.
Edit also to say: THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE WOULD NOT TREAT YOU LIKE THIS.
You’re not the crazy one. You sound like you’re in the early stages of being with an abusive partner to be honest. You’re literally helping him gaslight you just because the reality is that he really sucks as a human being. You don’t want to accept it.
But if you stay with him, you’ll start going crazy.
He demonstrated that he’s a liar, capable of deceiving you.
He showed you that his comfort takes precedence over your well-being.
He put on a full display of his inability to self-soothe and self-control.
He further outlined how incapable he is of accepting responsibility for his actions.
Op, these aren’t red flags, they’re sirens. I’m sorry, but you still have time to dodge the bullet.
Do not even think about going through a pregnancy with this self-absorbed twit.
You want to have kids with a man who showed you no support during an injury crisis, lied to the nurses about your wishes and then lied to you about what the nurses said to him?
I’m sorry but this “man” doesn’t care about you. At all. All he cared about was himself. So much so he lied at crucial moments.
I would actually be scared for your safety if you stay with him. This is not okay. He crossed so many lines with you, in sickening ways.
My ex was kind of like this but not as bad. He showed absolutely no support in critical times like when my dad died or when I was in so much pain I asked him to take me to the ER. No words of comfort, no offer to help, just quiet annoyance at being inconvenienced.
And it turned out he was a lying, cheating, porn addicted, completely selfish asshole who actually did not care about me in the slightest. It took me 4.5 years to finally realize it, despite the signs like him not giving a shit about me when my dad died or I was in pain.
I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was such a “nice guy”. That was his facade and I chose to believe in it and believe him when he said he wanted a life with me. He did not in fact want a life with me, he wanted to appear normal.
Don’t let what happened to me happen to you. Please, I beg you, to use this opportunity to ask yourself the hard questions now.
What you’ve described is far from normal. My partner now would never act like this in a million years, he supports me every step of the way. He shows up for me in big ways. We are far from perfect but one thing I never have to wonder is if he actually loves me or not, this man loves me so much. That’s what you deserve too, not this man who is incapable of loving anyone.
He didn’t just try to override your decision once, he did it multiple times and lied to at least two medical professionals about things you said. He went above and beyond to make sure you didn’t get the treatment you wanted, and it sounds like needed. He’s, respectfully, a selfish pos. You don’t mention anything about him comforting you, or trying to make you feel safe in a bad situation, he just made everything worse. He would do this if your were pregnant, he would do this to your children.