My wife and I are considering trying to have kids soon. But I hear (from her and from social media) about how hard it is on the woman and how much the man has to step in and step up. I’m of course all about being there for my wife but it just sounds very unforgiving. Am I just hearing one side of the story?
Is being a father really as hard as social media makes it out to be?
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I am a dad. It’s very hard. Much harder than you think/imagine. Private/hobby time is extremely rare for years. And that’s assuming the baby is healthy.
It’s hard but not insane. Life changes and you just have to be willing to accept it. Even though I don’t have the freedom I once had, I love being a dad and as my kids get older more things are getting easier
You already have a wife, having kids isn’t much different except you can tell your kids what to do.
Been a father 10 years. I’m the prefered parent and spend the most time with my daughter. I’m not sure I’d call it “hard.” After 10 years it’s just kind of… normal. Ya know?
I’m sure it’s going to get a lot harder when she becomes a teenager.
Well, if you dont want to end up as a lazy bum for your children and learn to regulate your emotions, then being a father is not difficult. The most important thing is that you can grind and not give up if you end up homeless. Do everything to let your children have a healthy environment to grow.
I have a 15 month old ans wife is 5 months pregnant again. To be honest I don’t see what they big deal is.
But then again my wife doesn’t work. I have a full time cleaner / nanny. She has a lot of family that’s always around and I work from home.
That obviously makes it easier.
But all in all it isn’t the crazy hard horror show that made it sound so scary my whole life.my life is relatively the same just now I got a cute kid to hang out with.
The bigger issue is getting her sex drive back ever again.
Many women completely lose themselves in “mommy mode” and completely abdicate their role as spouse / lover.
It’s one thing to prioritize the child as an infant – but it often never ends and they make the child the center of their world and you’re constantly left with nothing but scraps afterwards.
The endurance sport element of it is hard. The effects it has on your marriage, bedroom, hobbies, and health are much, much harder.
FAFO
“Am I just hearing one side of the story?”
Yes and no. There’s nothing quite like having your baby fall asleep in your arms or a toddler come looking for snuggles. It makes up for the late nights, sleep deprivation and the shenanigans kids can get into.
The days are long but the years are short. My thousand yard stare is a combination of the good and the bad. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
So far 2 months in and way easier than I expected. I already did most the cleaning and all the cooking so life hasn’t really changed apart from when I watch tv now I’m holding a baby. Have to occasionally change a diaper and feed her. I’m guessing it gets way way harder based on what people say but the whole ‘having to pick up the wife’s responsibilities’ just isn’t a thing if you already do most the stuff around the house
It is hard because there is so much responsibility. You have to guide them but not stifle them, encourage but administer tough love, let them fail no matter how much it hurts your heart. You have to put your kids on a path to success. That is a challenge. Children aren’t born with a users manual so it feels like you’re winging it at times. You will have failures. But, when you see your kids accomplish things and be good people, it’s worth it.
Hope this helps a bit.
Life doesn’t get harder. You have a child. The child is now your life. Caring, changing, feeding, bathing, dressing is all part of the game. It’s tiring. It’s relentless at times, but you have something that will take all of the love you have and radiate it back at you with a grin, or a flutter of eyelashes or a warm pink cheek when you kiss them in their sleep.
It’s hard because to parent properly is about love and sacrifice, and these are neither easy nor hard work at all. It’s what love is.
All the best.
Yeah. You’ll have to be as much of a parent as her. How is this a question. You aren’t “stepping in” and neither is she. You are being parents.
I’m 51, all my kids are grown and starting their own families.
Being a parent is fucking rough. Literally the most thankless job you’ll ever do. The first 5 years will be a massive wake up call for both of you.
Here’s what to expect:
No real sleep for the first 2 years. Lots of “close calls” with your kid doing something to potentially injure themselves.
Plan on the Sex life hitting a wall. She’ll be too tired, or too focused on the baby that you’ll feel neglected. Or, you’ll both look at each other with some sense of disgust over the most petty shit.
You’ll both be cranky or moody a lot. Your fun days of partying will be long gone. You won’t be able to relate to the shit your single friends are doing, or worse, you’ll start to envy them.
Piss and shit every single day, and if you’re lucky, vomit 2-3 times a month.
This one happens to everyone at some point, a lost bottle that is found with curdled milk 3 weeks later under your car seat.
But one day, if you did everything right, if you were a good dad to your kids, you and your wife were good to each other, you’ll both look back on these years with some sense of pride.
Just don’t look back with regrets.
It’s not hard at all. My wife quit working to raise the kids. This makes it easier on both parents.
(I am not a father, but I have 3 sets of nieces and nephews and know plenty of fathers).
I think a lot of the factors are personal. Are you and your wife equals? Not in the sense of “I work, and she does the house work”. Because having a kid means, you split time with the kid in half, split housework in half, split sleeping in half. All while working full-time.
If everything is already split evenly, then it’ll be an easier transition than not having it split evenly.
Are you okay with forgoing your personal hobbies and alone time? Are you okay with losing time with friends?
For some people, it’s a no brainer. “Of course… I’m raising a person, it’s natural to give up my own pleasures and interests for my kid”. It’s a discipline. Are you a disciplined individual?
But for me? I know I value my personal time, I like my hobbies. I genuinely struggle if I don’t sleep through the night. And for that reason, I don’t think I could be a father. At least right now. It may change in the future. And if I got anybody pregnant, I would do everything in my power to be the best father I can be.
But I’m afraid I may become bitter over a long time. My brother in law is a father, but between looking for a job during Covid, taking care of his son, and trying to be a good spouse, and then mix in the death of his father a few years ago, and he couldn’t handle it. He ended up moving out of the country and hasn’t seen his son since. But when mine, and my sisters dad passed away, he didn’t come back to help with his son. He stayed out of the country.
So take some time to reflect. Sit yourself down, and truly understand that becoming a father will be work. It will be tiring. It may put a strain on your relationship with your wife. Sit with all the potential downsides, and then think about raising a kid. Raising your own flesh and blood. Raising somebody that will go to school. You’ll teach your values to them You’ll help them navigate life. You’ll help them try to not make the same mistakes you made. You will be their parent, like your parents were to you. Does that sound good to you?
Does the good outweigh the negatives? Then I think you have your answer.
It’s very hard initially (think babies). I was fortunate enough to marry someone that wanted a traditional lifestyle, so she handled 90% of the baby stuff while I earned money.
Fast forward a bunch of years- it’s incredible. After they get over the age where they’re constantly trying to hurt themselves, it’s amazing. My kids play video games with me. We play basketball. We talk movies and books. They have their own hobbies and interest. We swap memes, even started trying out D&D together. It’s really indescribable.
The bullshit in the beginning is 10000000x worth it. I can’t imagine not having kids at this point in my life.
Take each day as it comes it’s one of life’s adventures enjoy it even though it can be very tough