My fiancé (24m) throughout our relationship has told me he’ll never drink again (he told me to stop drinking and going out so joined in with me), he’s said how glad he is that he stopped drinking (he used to drink spirits when out) and he has a history of alcoholism in his immediate family so said he never wants to end up like that so won’t drink.
However he has recently (when we were on the verge of breaking up and I moved out) made the decision to start drinking again when he was at a wedding party (only beers). This came as quite a shock to me considering all the stories he’d tell me about how glad he is that he doesn’t drink. I found out 2 weeks ago that when he went away on a work trip (around 4 days) he was drunk nearly everyday and drinking 4 beers, sometimes 7 a night. This was quite concerning to me, and I then found out he drank everyday for another 7 days after that at another work trip, 4-7 beers every night, and then 18 on the weekend (9 Saturday, 9 Sunday when out with his friends for a ‘stag do’). I told him how concerned I am and that he’s showing signs of alcoholism and his tolerance can become higher. He said I’m taking it out of proportion and he drinks to ‘socialise’ with his friends and to be more social with work colleagues etc. he says having one beer every 45 minutes is normal.
He hasn’t done it since (it’s been a week) and said he won’t stop drinking but would ‘limit it’ a bit. We were at an engagement party last week and all his friends were asking him why he’s not drinking that night (he was with me) and he said he didn’t want to etc however all his friends were pushing him to.
He still functions and goes to work, studies for his course, holds normal conversations and this was a one off as he tells me (usually he’d only drink maybe twice a month when seeing his friends) but recently it’s increased since he’s been on work trips.
I would just like to know if this is something to be concerned about? (although it was a one off 60+ drinks is a bit of a concern to me)
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Dude, legit red flags are flyin’ here. 60+ drinks ain’t normal, it’s the fast lane to Alcoholville. “Socialising” ain’t an excuse. If he ain’t respectin’ your concerns, you gotta rethink things. Ain’t worth wrecking your peace over someone who puts booze before you. Stay strong sis, your wellbeing’s gotta come first.👊
Yes, it is concerning. It’s less about the number itself as the hiding the behavior, backtreading, and not being like, “Oh, I’m not drinking because I have a drinking problem/family history and don’t want to drink.” But the number is A LOT.
Al-Anon.
yes for sure it’s averaging out to almost 10 drinks a day which is not normal behavior
Extreamly concerning.
Why wasnt i invited to this drink weekend lol.
Do NOT marry this man. Nothing but trouble. Anything more than 3 drinks per day for a man is considered problem drinking. Even 3 can lead to health problems.
Not normal, keep running he needs aa
Are you in Wisconsin? Pretty normal there. Concerning everywhere else…
I would be concerned. Alcoholics quit drinking for a block of time to try to convince themselvees they are not alcoholics then go back to drinking again. He is showing signs of being an alcoholic. Is this the life you want to have with him? It affects everything.
Yes. And a great, big “duh”.
Once or twice a month is pretty normal, but studies are now showing that no amount of alcohol is safe.
I struggle with this, too. Lots of lying to myself about how much control I have.
Yes obviously this is a crazy number of drinks.
NIAAA defines heavy drinking as follows:
For men, consuming five or more drinks on any day or 15 or more per week
He’s the mayor of drunk town
Yes it’s very concerning that he’s doing that. Don’t marry that man.
My college party days I’m sure I was in the neighborhood of 10-15 beers a day lol
I only did it socially, never on my own or just at home with no party happening.
Was never addicted or unable to say no once the parties slowed down post college days.
Please don’t marry this guy.
The counting is odd. Was he trying to stay under 9 drinks at a time?
I think the larger issue between you is the shift from zero drinking and all the reasons why, to sig drinking. Odd also that his friends want him to drink given I’d assume some know his old sober stance.
It’s one thing to slide into old problem drinking during a separation. Another thing to justify continuing to drink. More discussion needed with him.
Are you reeeaaaaally asking if 60 drinks in one week is a problem? 🤔
Absolutely solid hell yes. Don’t marry him.
Do not marry him. Sorry- I married an alcoholic and it was a nightmare.
“he told me to stop drinking and going out so joined in with me”
He can’t tell you to stop drinking or going out. That’s controlling. That was the first big red flag.
Yes.
Also, why did he tell you not to drink?
I was in a 9 year relationship with an alcoholic doctor. He wasn’t “that bad” at first but it gradually progressed into him not being able to work. I spent 5 nights next to him in the hospital for his alcoholism after he threw up blood all over the plane on a flight back home from Panama. I watched him turn gray and nearly die on the ER table in front of me. This began periodic hospitalizations for the next two years.
He lied, cheated and stole constantly to fund his addiction. Eventually, his body was unable to process the toxins he continuously put in there. It was like having a gigantic toddler with dementia to care for. I wish I was exaggerating. A few times, he even shit his pants because he just had no control over his body.
Eventually enough was enough and I told his family to come get him. He died less than a year later at 52.
Don’t marry this man.
Your fiancé is an alcoholic. Even if he doesn’t drink for the next 10 days.
It IS concerning – and yes potentially it’s just a one off with so many work events / celebrations all in a row, but was there a reason you both decided not to drink or go out anymore? Were you or he struggling with addiction issues prior?
Edit to add: Ok I just saw your comments and your previous posts about this guy. He sounds quite manipulative and controlling?
Your life with him will be grief, suspicion, mistrust, and sorrow. Be good to yourself. Save yourself. We only get one go at this life.
He has to hit bottom. You can’t control this. You can offer to be sober with him but this is nothing but a heartache.
I’m not telling you what to do but PLEASE DONT MARRY THIS PERSON. I already married this person. They don’t wanna change and if they try it happens again. I’m not saying this is every alcoholic but this sounds like my ex husband.
I say ex bc after everything I tried and worked through it with him and his problem he drained my bank accounts (to drink bc he couldn’t pay since he couldn’t hold a job) and then left bc I kept losing my mind trying to pay for things and racking up debt. He left ME. Wouldn’t go to therapy or get help. He’d stop cold turkey and start up just the same 3 months later. Then tried to come back and wouldn’t leave me alone for 1.5 years even after divorcing. It was very traumatizing to enable and worry about a person that doesn’t see what they’re doing.
So all this to say if I had to go through the worst time of my life (even after he left with all the trauma of him leaving and not telling me until I served him papers) and it was meant for it to happen so I can help other people not go through this HARD PASS give the ring back
Hey I’m an alcoholic in recovery and I am biased because I don’t want to see people getting into the scenario where they have mistakes to repeat. You are right to be concerned about his drinking. I never thought I had a problem and had spells where I had too much work to stay lit all of the time, but the bug stayed in me. It got me bad eventually.
The issue is the relationship to alcohol. If he is only drinking to get drunk (the good buzz), he will be more likely to abuse it. If he has a hard time taking a break he is more likely to abuse it. Some people can drink like that and settle down. Some can’t and don’t. Just be aware once someone really decides to take that path, it takes some tremendous lows in their life to turn it around. Think about wanting to chance putting children in the type of situation where they have to depend on an alcoholic. Think about something happens on 18 drink Saturday and he is too gone to deal with it. Or even worse caused the incident.
You need to make a decision about what you want to tolerate from your partner. If your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries you have every right to move on. You are brave for asking these questions in the first place. Don’t waste your youth chasing after someone else’s bad decisions. Marriage is not going to fix this that is for sure.
He’s an alcoholic. No matter what you do or say he won’t quit drinking until he admits he’s got a problem and wants to quit. If you don’t want to end your relationship then I suggest you go to Alanon. You will need a support group to navigate living with an alcoholic. Having been married to an alcoholic I will tell you to walk away.
Yes it’s a big giant concern and will continue to get worse after you marry. I’d postpone the wedding and get them into AA before you tie the knot. You’ll be sorry if you don’t.
First off, he’s a fool to drink like that in work settings. People notice and people talk. I gave up drinking 35 years ago.
I’ve had people I worked for if I miss it . And I never did. I was present for my children and grandchildren and my wife.
At sales meetings I knew who wasn’t going to last. People who had been heavy drinkers exposed themselves and their lazy habits stood out or too much home time. My boss would say you knew but you didn’t say anything.ld tell him you knew too .
Happens to a lot
You know the answer. Time to move on.
That’s 8.5 drinks per day. Yeah, that’s a lot.
Yeah he definitely hates drinking, but he hates the way he feels more, talk to him before you’ve lost him and it’s too late. You left and he blames himself and doesn’t think he deserves to be a man with a working kidney,
Does that count beers too?
For context here, I probably be considered a “Heavy” drinker (though binge drinker is probably more accurate.
On nights where I’m drinking heavy, we’re probably talking 6-8 over the course of like 5 hours… the “45 minutes a drink” is pretty accurate actually. These aren’t ‘normal’ nights though, they’re concerts, parties, karaoke etc… and are generally once maybe twice a week.
Other nights, if I’m out for dinner, i might have a beer or two… BUT… never more then 3 nights with alcohol a week… and never if I’m just sitting at home or something. Beer in my fridge tends to stay there for months, and is usually drank by friends.
60 beers a week is 8.5 a day… that is way too much… and if this is something that becomes consistent, it’s definitely a sign of alcoholism (and will probably need rehab / medical care when detoxing)
Yes, it’s a problem. And he’ll tell you whatever it is he thinks you want to hear.
If the drinking bothers you, then it’s too much in the context of a relationship. Probably should break up over this otherwise it will become something you fixate on and grow to resent especially since it doesn’t sound like he’s interested in treatment.
Alcoholic/addit here that is in recovery and been clean and sober 10 years now. Don’t date him unless he stops altogether. Otherwise you will end up living in hell and/or enabling him. He’s for sure an alcoholic and it will only get worse overtime until he just stops. I’m just trying to help you avoid a lifetime of great pain.