Hi, so I’m a teenager, and my dad asked about my plans for the future. I said that I didn’t really want kids, but if I did I’d adopt. He blew up at me, and I asked why, comparing it to buying a cat from a breeder, vs. adopting from a shelter. You’d be helping a ‘cat’ who wouldn’t otherwise have a home, and who cares if they’re not the exact breed you want?
He said that having a biological child is entirely different, and that they’re like a mini-you, and you get to pass your genes on. To me, the way he explained it seemed really narcissistic, especially with the context that he rarely even talks to my sister (with myself being the child that resembles and is more similar to him).
I also have a pretty bad genetic pre-deposition to depression, anxiety, and insomnia. I’m literally incapable of going to school because I won’t sleep for 5 days in a row and start hallucinating or collapse. That’s not something I want to pass on, and my father was well aware that he was.
Plus, I’m gay, and I know there’s surrogates and stuff, but I still don’t see the problem with adoption. So, to those of you who have a kid, does it really matter?
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having a kid is significantly about leaving a legacy and fulfilling a biological imperative to many. it is as close to having a mini clone of you as one can
Does not matter at all lol. Family is who you click with, not who you have blood with.
He might have hang-up’s about ‘continuing the bloodline’? which is pretty prehistoric IMO
Agree his position is narcissistic. You are asking around – that’s a good path. Some opinions will resonate, some will not.
You’re not wrong. Dudes get weirdly hung up on their own sperm sometimes but a kid’s a kid, if you want one.
Having a biological child is 💯 a selfish thing to do, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it’s not the be all end all of a person’s life. Live the life you want. Society and your father’s opinions shouldn’t factor in.
Tell dad you’ll take it under advisement and then just don’t have kids if you don’t feel like it.
They’re fine, if overrated.
For the last couple billion years of life, passing on your genetic code has been the primary goal of basically everything, and humans have not escaped that mentality. Even today, there are cultures around the world that cannot possibly fathom welcoming a child with no genetic relation to them into their home.
Talk all the shit you want about America, but we’re the kings of saying fuck that to such traditions.
Oof, that’s a huge over reaction from your dad.
There’s a lot of reasons adoption can be less viable than just to grow your own (not least because if you want to raise a child from infant there’s often less infants that need adopting than there are people wanting to adopt). But these are mostly bureaucratic. Life’s complicated, and adopting is complicated.
But the whole “mini me” “carry on the bloodline” rhetoric always makes me cringe when I hear people saying it. It’s nonsense. It sounds like your dad’s parenting style isn’t one you want to imitate anyway.
People that usually care about it the way your dad does feel unfulfilled so they want a new “them” to do the things they can’t/didn’t do
Your body, your choice….unless the federal government gets involved.
You are correct and he is wrong
your dad’s a massive asshole. sorry : /
For some people. But also no guarantees that your bio kid is like you. As a non bio kid myself, I tend to think that type of attitude will probably make you a terrible parent.
I mean I get wanting to experience pregnancy, and I get that adoption is hard and expensive and complicated and emotionally frought and may not be a great choice for most people. I get the attitude that is angainst most adoption because of potential effect on the kid. But as someone in the trenches with little ones, I think having a kid to pass your genes on is so so little a part of the parenting experience.
Nope. I’m adopted myself, I don’t have kids, and I’ve never understood this compulsion to procreate.
Until they invent mechanical children, yes
Trust me, the older you get the more you’ll want a child. I never wanted one but now that I’m 25 it’s a lot different. You realize the true joy in the world is kids and growing up, the world without kids is scary.
You need to do what you need to do in this life to live for yourself, regardless of your parents opinions. There’s no right or wrong way to have a family, as long as it is filled with respect and love, so keep divisive opinions to yourself until you’re out from your parents’ roof, and then follow your own heart and find your own path.
Only if you want it to matter..
As a parent I wouldn’t try and make a teenager care about this stuff. Save the grandchild nagging for when your kid is 29 and married! Your dad has no idea where life will take you and neither do you!
An adopted child is no different from a biological child, I want to say that so people understand my stance.
However, people who say things like “I’ll just adopt” in my experience have no idea what adopting is like.
People have little orphan Annie in their head, they’ll walk into an orphanage and just pick a sweet little baby from a catalogue.
It’s just not like that. Unless you’re very rich and can afford that route, or very sketchy and go that way you’ll end up in the foster cycle for a long time.
And the kids you do foster our adopt will come with challenges most people don’t anticipate.
My point, please adopt, those kids need love. But don’t equate it to having biological children from a stance of replacement you’ll be disappointed.
It’s a very mature, sensible attitude for a teenager to have. Sometimes our plans change and sometimes they don’t.
Try not to dwell on your Dad’s reaction too much. Part of growing up is forming your own plans and values.
I know, I know crazy thought but it actually matters to the kid who their parents are. You may not see a difference- most people who plan to adopt have this attitude. But trust me, it makes a difference from the kid‘s perspective.
So few people understand adoption exclusively from the point of view of the adoptive parents or hopeful adoptive parents. Please seek out a variety of adoptee opinions before making a decision.
Jfc your dad is a basket case.
I respect both your reasons. Nice to carry on the family name but I wouldn’t make my kids life hard by bombarding them with my opinion on it. But I’d be lying if I sad it isn’t sad to see the family name disappear
Your dad is an idiot.
However, always keep in mind the adoption process can be both predatory towards poor pregnant women as well as very stressful on the adoptive children. Adopting older children who have traumatic history, or adopting children outside of your culture (ie white people adopting black children or foreign children) can cause some stress and issues down the line.
Just saying it because I didn’t see anyone else mention it. Adoption is a delicate matter which requires the parents to be exceptionally empathetic and flexible
I have a newborn. It’s excellent and there is something about passing yourself on genetically that feels good.
Adopting would feel just as good, for slightly different reasons. You still are passing some of yourself on to the next generation through how you raise the kid, and you are giving someone a home and family.
Do what’s right for you, not for your dad.
If you don’t sleep for 5 days in a row please don’t adopt a kid either. Look after yourself first
Both having a biological kid and adopting a kid come with a lot of good things and a lot of risks, some overlapping, some not. Only the people involved can decide what’s best for them. For many people having a biological child fills a very innate need (all of us typing here only exist because all of our ancestors produced their own biological offspring–that’s not something you can simply logic your way out of, that instinct runs VERY deep for many), and those kids generally having similar appearances/traits/interests can build cohesion, as can the hormones of pregnancy. Adoption on the other hand can be a very time consuming costly experience with additional issues like severe childhood trauma or the involvement of the bio parents to consider. Neither road is easy or perfect. You’re still young and I wouldn’t sweat it too much at this point, but if you’re older and leaning towards kids, I’d suggest doing more research into the ups and downs of adoption to see if it’s for you. Again, life changing and incredible for many, and those kids need help–but it also has its difficulties and going into things aware and informed is better for all.
yeah it is a big deal you understand your own child in a very intense way and it’s a massive responsibility that alot of people are not emotionally mature enough to handle.
I never understood the argument, like what your dad is saying. My brother and sister in law are currently fostering two kids, but no matter if those kids stay or go, they’ll always be my niece and nephew. I’d take a bullet for them, even though we’re not biologically related
I have two biological daughters,it’s a special bond for sure but who’s to say the bond between adopted parents and a child or children is just as strong or stronger? I love my kids and I would absolutely do anything for them,it’s something you can’t explain unless the experience happens to you,it’s like something you really cherish and you want to hold onto forever and never lose.
my mom keeps worrying about vitamin deficiencies and whatever, making comments about how if i keep stressing and neglecting my health ill be infertile. while I do appreciate her concern about my stress levels, i wish she’d care more because it’s impacting my health, not because of my ability to have kids (which i also don’t plan on having kids for the same reasons as you, id never want to subject kids to this world). i haven’t told her i won’t be having kids yet. it’s a really bad thing to say this, because I know how heartbreaking it is for people who are trying for a baby but can’t have one — but i sometimes hope i’m physically unable to have kids so that i have an excuse…. it sucks tbh and these kinds of ideologies our parents have don’t seem to be dying out by the looks of it
Even when you have your own bio kid you don’t get to pick who they grow up into anyway. Why not help somebody out if you want to?
I always wanted kids, just never wanted to have kids. Luckily the universe answered and I met a man with 2 small children. 20 years later and no regrets.
You’re thinking through your life options, which is great. Adopting versus bearing my son would have been at both different and the same. Both affect where you live, what and how you work, how much extra money you have, vacation choices, your relationship with any partner . . . it’s a lot. Wait to have or adopt a child until you want all of it.
If you don’t want a child at any particular time, do the best you can not to have one. It’s bad for you and the child. If you decide you want a child while understanding what that means, adopt or bear a child. A thoughtful decision can make all the difference.
I dont have any children unless you count furry and scaley creatures. But my fiance and myself have gone back and forth over the years on this. Not having biological kids used to be a deal breaker and even after we figured out our views don’t align I stayed with her with the “she will come around eventually and want to give birth” mentality. No. No she didn’t. Eventually she was able to open my eyes on my toxic views and I think a biological kid would be cool if we can afford serogacy in the future. Instead we have settled on, when ready, adoption is what we will plan for because she has health fears on giving birth and it would be better to provide a home for someone that might need it.
This was a long and selfish way of saying I used to be your dad and I think he is being really stupid about this non argument. He should be happy you even want to father a kid one day, biological or not. Also choosing a kid through adoption IMO is sometimes more special than birth.
Your feelings can change as you get older. It doesn’t matter if you choose to have one naturally or adopt. What matters is your happiness comes first.
Being obsessed with having your own kids feels borderline eugenicist ngl. I can see how it would be cool to see your own traits in your kid or whatever, and adoption has its ethical issues as well that should be considered (especially when it comes to newborn adoption) but I just don’t really see why people get so weird about the way other people choose to have kids
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I have a daughter. She’s autistic and a handful but I love her unreservedly.
That being said I also acted as a step dad in a previous relationship and I was as deeply emotionally invested in that role.
I remain firmly convinced that an adopted child is every bit as loved and cherished as a natural one.
I’m also of the firm opinion that you should be the final arbiter of your body and what happens with it. Yes you are young and your view may change. That’s up to future you, with the input of a possible future partner, to decide. In the here and now though your choice is yours alone and no one should be telling you otherwise.
My girlfriend and I have talked about kids a few times. She doesn’t want to get pregnant (understandable). I want my own kids, but she’s more important to me than the idea of kids. We’ve come to the agreement that we aren’t ready for them but when we are we’ll have a discussion then. If she’s ready and willing to get pregnant we’ll have our own. If not, we’ll adopt. I’ll be happy either way, and she gets the choice
You can do whatever you want whenever you are ready. Sorry that happened and hope you still feel free to not let that cloud your own decision by then. Many parents would love to become grandparents but that’s not up to them at all.
My wife and I tried for 3.5 years without any result. We did a round of IVF since it was free (UK).
However, it was invasive, traumatic, and really not something we wanted to repeat. We had started looking into adoption.
The process here is brutal. They go into EVERY aspect of your life, but we were prepared and willing.
I had no great desire to see my lineage continue, and really wasn’t hung up on my child being the product of my sperms really. A healthy happy child was the goal.
I suppose it depends on you, as a woman I wanted my own biological child because carrying him and growing him is probably the most incredible thing I’ve experienced, not easy but still incredible! I suppose if you adopt a baby/child though they’re still being raised by you so will have similarities to you as children copy. Just personal preference I suppose but not a big deal, I wouldn’t judge anybody for adopting over having biological children it’s nobody’s business apart from yours
Weird that he got mad about this hypothetical. Do what you want, when you want, when the time is right.
Most men and women are selfish and want a mini me, you are actually thinking from an ethical point of view where you actually care about your potential children and the suffering they will experience if they had your DNA, thats a rare quality
Some people who are going through breast cancer will freeze their eggs so they can risk their children going through the same cancer treatment
Even when i was a kid i never wanted my own kids, i would watch the starving children in Africa commercials and think the only way i would have a child is by helping a child in need and even if i didnt adopt or foster i would volunteer to help kids
With family i dont believe in DNA either, family to me is how you treat me and some of my friends have become my bro and some my roommates or friends kids i would help and buy presents for
Does your husband have your blood? No? Family is who you love.
Its probably like how my mom doesn’t consider adopted kids real kids. Its fucked up and not how it should be..but thats how it is in my family. My mom is incredibly prejudiced. Its totally okay to adopt and I think thats what I’ll do too.
For all the talk about LGBTQ+ people ramming their lifestyles down everyone’s throat, there is no force thrust upon people in our culture greater than heterosexuality and breeding.
Don’t sweat not wanting a biological child.
I would avoid the pet apology though. It’s triggering for a lot of people and imperfect enough to lead to useless arguments.
As for your father’s strong reactions, I think a lot of people are sensitive and insecure about their parenting choices. A lot of people take other people’s choices about the subject as personal commentary on their own decisions. Having you and any potential siblings was a probably a big decision that had many impacts on his life. Many people need validation on their choices.
I have a nephew who’s adopted. He’s just like his dad, the way he talks, walks, his humor, how he treats others. Genetic or not, a parent’s behavior is reflected in the child.
I’m in the same boat as you with anxiety, depression, and insomnia, and also factored those conditions into my decision to not have children, despite the pressure from others to have some.
If you’re young you have time to change your mind a thousand times. You don’t have to commit one way or the other. Just live your life based on what you want. You’re not responsible for making your dad happy and you don’t owe him a grandchild.
I decided when I was around 15 that I didn’t ever want to be pregnant, and that if I ever wanted kids, I’d adopt.
I am 46, never had any, never wanted any, and married someone who feels the same way.
There is no wrong answer. It’s up to you whether to have bio kids, try with a surrogate, adopt, or not have children at all. Your dad was really overreacting.
I (personally) really enjoyed being fortunate enough to experience pregnancy and birth. However, I think it’s hilarious how important people think their genes are, and the delusion that they are so “uNIqUe”. The truth is that human beings are a species, and we’re more alike each other than different. What, you really give a shit about passing on your eye color or crooked nose? Come on now. An adopted child is no different in terms of love than a child you birth. So if you don’t care about the biological experience at the front end, you’re not missing anything.
One of my kids is my biological child and the other is not. It’s not that big of a deal. They’re both my kids and I love them both. I think the daily routines of caring for a child build that parental love and connection no matter what. Biological connections can matter a great deal to the child though, so do your research on how things like surrogacy and adoption affect them, both as kids and when they’re grown.
If you would prefer to adopt, there’s nothing wrong with that. Your father is WAYYYY out of line.
You do you!! Don’t ever let someone talk you into it
Adoption is beautiful. My youngest (17) feels the same way, and say theyll adopt if she chooses to have kids. Love is love, and while there is a certain chemical bond between mother and child, its not necessary to bond with anothers child.
Good for you for thinking on your own your dad might just want what HE thinks is best not what you want for yourself stick to your guns. I don’t know where you are in life if you are in the closet or out but incase you are scared I’ll give you some anecdotal experiences I have had
1if you don’t tell people you are gay they will usually say some out of pocket stuff about being gay before they figure out you are gay so if you are worried don’t tell them and they will either figure it out or you will figure out they aren’t worth your time and truely people that do not accept and recognize your relationship are not worth your time life is too short to get caught up on that sort of stuff
2 at work meeting new people etc if someone says do you have a girlfriend do you live alone etc just casually say no I have a boyfriend though or no girlfriend because I’m gay or something and I have found 99% of normal people will just go oh ok and keep talking like nothing has happened even if you are shaking in your boots about telling someone new
Good luck out there kiddo 🤝
Yes, at least according to antinatalists, and it’s a big deal in a bad way.
I’m a step mom, and I may not have as tight of an emotional connection to my kid as her bio mom (my wife) but I definitely have protector energy and will stop a speeding bullet to keep her safe. I CHOSE to be her mom, without really knowing anything about her or being biologically connected to her.
We don’t always get along, and I don’t think I’m the best “maternal” figure, but she knows I’m there for her and will fuck a bitch up who tries to mess with her (cut to me telling off an 8 year old for bullying my daughter and then the 8 year old runs away crying. THATS WHAT I THOUGHT, TURD)
No
Hey there,
TL;DR – You don’t have to have kids.
My wife and I are DINKs 🙂 – That stands for “Dual-Income, No Kids”
This wasn’t by choice, at least not originally – see we can’t have kids. Neither of us are very fertile/virile so the odds of a baby being made are pretty low, in vitro is expensive as hell and not guaranteed to work (or work TOO well and end up with twins/triplets or something), part of the problem IS her uterus so it could even be dangerous for her – so that takes us to surrogacy which is even more expensive, which left us with fostering and adoption.
Adoption is sort of like gambling, you can spend a ton of money (lots of fees) and get a child (specifically a baby) – however, in many states parents have a sort of “take-it-back” period up until the transfer happens. So you could end up spending a lot of money, dot all the i’s, cross all the t’s… and end up with no baby and you have to start over again. You don’t get your money back. This isn’t guaranteed to happen – but it DOES happen with enough frequency that many organizations we looked into said along the lines of “if it doesn’t happen the 1st time, it usually does the 2nd time.” So it’s expensive and risky. You also don’t really know what you’re getting into – the child’s long-term health is often a factor that people don’t think about and open adoptions are the best, which means you often end up adopting the child’s family (it’s best for the kid but not necessarily the adopting parents).
So fostering is another option. It’s possible to foster-to-adopt as well, and that doesn’t come with anywhere near the expense of straight adoption, AND you actually get a stipend for the child you are fostering (it’s not enough to actually pay for the child’s cost of living, but it can help quite a bit). Fostering is like another kind of gambling in that you’re put through a very lengthy process, training, evaluations, and even expense in updating your home for all the strict requirements. Then you’re added to a list of foster parents. You could end up with 1, 2, or 3 or even more kids at once. They prefer parents to be open to at least 2, but it isn’t unusual for foster parents to end up with quite a few more. These kids can be in your home from anywhere between a couple of days to a couple of years before they are even up for adoption – that’s because the goal of fostering is to get the kids back into their parents’ (or biological families’) homes. Research shows this is the best option for them even if the home is a bit “messy” compared to the foster parents’ home because they would otherwise lose out on parts of their identity and culture. Fostering is great, but you could be a foster parent for years and never get the opportunity to adopt a kid.
Know how I know? My wife and I were foster parents for five years and we only got two different placements (what foster children are called in the system) in that time frame. Both were short term. One was for a weekend. They were lovely kiddos and we thought we were getting them for a few months. They were sent off to their relatives (in a much better situation for them). The second was for a month. This poor girl was mislabeled in the system as mildly/moderately SPED. There was nothing mild nor moderate about her behavior issues. Even at the young age she was, she had a violent and malicious streak to her. She tortured our sweet dog to the point that we had to remove the dog from our house while she stayed with us. She would kick and punch and bite and scream and run away into the street in heavy traffic. She got sent home from school twice for violence against staff members. She had 3 therapy appointments a week, and frequent visits to the doctor throughout that time. We decided after having to move the dog out of our house that we needed to “disrupt placement” which means give her back to the system because she was too much for us to handle (and it’s just the two of us). The family she was placed with after us was unprepared for her as well (despite our numerous and extensive notes on her) and also had to disrupt, putting that child in a group home.
It was a mess. It was depressing. It crushed us.
So we decided to live child free. It was a hard decision that came after 8 years of trying ourselves and fostering, but immediately after we decided to not try anymore it was as if a massive weight was lifted off of us.
AND OH MY GOD has it been so nice. We get to be all of our friends’ kids “fun aunt and uncle,” we get to vacation and relax, we get to get up and go do something at random without having to worry about baby sitters or day care or any of that, we get to have nicer things and pay down debts faster, we also get to be a couple deeply in love with each other and do cutesy date stuff all the time without added stresses.
We’ve also discovered we’re not alone, a LOT of people don’t have kids. For all kinds of reasons.
My very long point here is:
You don’t have to have kids. Society and parents pressure us to do so, but there’s nothing that actually forces you to have or not have kids. You can live a fulfilling life, find joy, enjoy being around other people’s kids, etc. We don’t feel a great loss, in fact, it feels like we can finally start our lives. We’ve taken vacations – something we haven’t done in TWELVE years because we were saving money for kids we were hoping on having. We get to stay up late and wake up late and do whatever we want without having to worry about another human being or two or three.
It’s great. We’re good. We have plenty of other ways to leave a legacy behind that doesn’t involve having a kid.
That is the best thing that can happen to one.
You learn the true love when you have a child… Selfish people that says they prefer their ‘freedom’ will never experience it, and that is honestly sad.
It is not easy to grow up a human being, but if you have family close enough, it could be much easier than someone (like me) living abroad and basically having only me and my partner around.
We are all different. My friend really wanted a child of her own to carry it and give birth. When she couldn’t, she (or, they, her husband as well) remained childfree. For them, the whole journey was the goal.
Another friend chose to adopt in the same situation, they where ok with another journey.
I’m childfree, that’s my choice. My friend is a single mother. She became pregnant with donated sperm.
Everyone has their own reasoning and thoughts. Respect that it is important for them and do not judge them.
It’s also ok to change your mind whenever.
I’m sorry that your dad didn’t respect you and your thoughts about this. The topic stirrs quite strong feelings.
1.3 millions years of human evolution have baked the need to pass on our own genes into our brain. That is what he is experiencing. Do not tell him this, people hate being told that they are acting on instinct, not reason. Just know it for yourself.
Your dad’s reaction is over the top, but as someone with my own biological kids, it definitely is different to some people. I love the fact that I carried my own children and that they are half of me, but my husband is not biologically my oldest’s dad. And that doesn’t matter to any of us. I also have adopted nieces, nephews, and cousins. It’s all the same to me, but I realize some people feel differently.
Some people are really weird and think it matter.
Your dad sounds like an asshole don’t listen to him.
I think a lot of people here are reading into this way more than they need to. Some people want a kid while other people don’t. Some people care if a kid is theirs or not and I think while sometimes there could be a logical reason, I think a lot of the time it’s just a natural instinct thing.
Does it matter to me? Yes, absolutely. But all that matters in your situation is what matters to you. It’s your life and you get to define it.
Short answer no.
I don’t know. I only had bio children. But I have loved many children who were not ‘mine.’
Having a “mini me” and passing on your genes are terrible reasons to have kids, and you’re right, that dounds very narcisistic. Those are all incredibly weird thing to say to anyone, let alone your teenage kid.
Adoption isn’t all sunshine and roses.
That said, these problems can range a lot from negligible to insurmountable. There are many happy, healthy, well-adjusted families out there formed through adoption. Likewise, having a biological child has its own lengthy list of “downsides.” I won’t bother with those here, since they aren’t relevant to your question. But it’s helpful to keep in perspective that there are a lot of dysfunctional and outright abusive biological families out there, and the quest to have a biological child isn’t always an easy road either.
Being aware that you carry strong genetic predispositions for some very difficult medical issues is an important factor that should weigh in on your decision. There isn’t any guarantee that an adopted child won’t have similar issues, but there is something to be said for not intentionally choosing to pass those on to burden another generation.
My husband and I each have two genetic children from our first marriages. Together, we made the decision that (in his words) “if we were livestock we wouldn’t breed us.” (We were sheep farmers so…).
We weighed our options and chose embryo donation for the two children we have together. They were leftover cryopreserved “embryos” from other families who had completed their families with IVF and didn’t wish to discard or destroy the little seeds of life they had created.
We both had genetic issues we didn’t want to pass on, one of which had to do with my husband’s history of cancer. He has since lost one of his bio kids to cancer and the other one is undergoing chemotherapy now. I’m going to tell you right now we are both relieved to know that our youngest two didn’t inherit that gene from him. Might they still be at risk? Sure. We don’t have any way of knowing. But at least we know if they do, it wasn’t because of a selfish choice we made to pass on our genes knowing he’d had cancer at a young age himself (also all his many siblings are dead, most of them from cancer, so…).
Having raised both genetic and non-genetic children of my own, I can tell you 100% that it doesn’t impact how much I love and have bonded with my kids. With or without my genes, each child is fully unique and precious in its own way. Granted, I did grow them in my uterus, but that was more of a practical decision than anything else. Adopting a fully formed baby grown by someone else just didn’t make sense for our situation.
Kids not much older than you (or possibly your age) accidentally get pregnant waaaaaay too commonly. Nothing special about teenage pregnancies and the perpetuation of generational struggle and poverty. It’s not special, it’s reproduction and it just takes two horny people, no protection, and a few minutes to spawn.
Thing is it SHOULD be treated as special but just isn’t. Too many parents out here who shouldn’t ever have had kids. Treating it special means you’ll likely treat being in a relationship and starting a family the respect it deserves when it’s your time to consider doing so. It affects your life, your partners, and your child’s, that should be special, but for most it’s taken for granted because sex feels good.
As someone who is adopted, i hate your dad 💀 We already deal with so many abandonment issues that we don’t need people like him to reinforce that rhetoric.
Also, believe it or not, your value is not tied in your ability to reproduce. People who get too hung up on that are messed up in their own ways and don’t get to tell you how to live—no one does. There are so many people who cant reproduce and they aren’t any less valuable than those who have 10 kids.
I commend you for having the strength to have your own opinion and question those who paint themselves as your authority.
It depends on the philosophical perspective you have on life I suppose. I don’t mean “philosophical” in the sense of what is taught in university, but rather the general principles you live by.
So the answer I have, is that: It depends on who YOU are and what you want to do with your life.
No, it’s not. I don’t know any parent that gets mad at their child for wanting to adopt.
OP, are you sure your dad or someone significant isn’t adopted? Maybe that’s why he has a bee in his bonnet.
I honestly think it matters more for women since so much of the pregnancy, birth, and newborn care falls on her. I always knew at some point I’d want to experience pregnancy and birth. I’m pregnant right now and there is truly nothing like it. The hormones are so interesting. The feelings that I have for my unborn baby are so primal and biological that I couldn’t explain them to my previous “rational” self. I would feel like I was missing out if I did not get to experience this part of motherhood. I’m looking forward to birth and breastfeeding for the first time. Seeing a baby that is the reflection of love between my husband and I.
It doesn’t matter if you do it right. I know people who were adopted and felt loved including some with gay parents. They don’t have any desire to find their bio parents. My wife’s grandpa was a step parent, and all of his kids and grandkids say he was a good, caring man.
Plenty of children have felt unwanted and been abused by their bio parents. There’s an insane number of kids in the foster system in my state.
Also, having kids is optional. My wife and I chose not to have kids. My ex boyfriend and I broke up because he wanted kids.
Your own kid is special, speaking from a mother’s POV. She’s a year and a half and still feels like an extension of my own body… which is something I never experienced even with my own relatives. It’s a crazy way to feel about another person. She’s mine in the same way my leg or arm is mine.
That said, in terms of planning your future, no there should be no difference at all. You can even skip the part where they’re puking and pooping all over you. If you wanted. Which might be nice. The hormones made me not mind my little one’s bodily fluids all over me… but I certainly got grossed out when my niece nephews did it.
It’s a big deal if it’s a big deal to YOU. It doesn’t sound like it is right for you (maybe it never will be!)
Your dad is a narcissist and a dumbass.
You are entirely in the right. But please note that when people ask you really personal questions, you can just… lie.
Having worked with many children who were in the adoption system, I saw how much trauma they had experienced. Many of these kids are deeply hurting and have a lot of emotional scars, sometimes leading to things like PTSD. This can create significant challenges for adoptive parents. It requires a tremendous amount of responsibility, patience, and understanding to support a child who has been through so much.
While the idea of adopting might seem wonderful, it’s crucial to be prepared for the potential difficulties that come with a child who has a history of trauma. If you don’t have a strong support system or the financial means to access professional help, it can be incredibly demanding and emotionally draining. It’s not to say that adoption isn’t a beautiful thing, but it’s vital to go into it with open eyes and a realistic understanding of the potential needs of the child.
I don’t have kids and don’t want them, but my family has many members who were step-kids/step-parents and some adopted as well. They don’t seem to give a shit that they’re not genetically related. It’s all about how well they treat each other. If it feels like family, it’s family.
All that matters is what’s important to you! And there are many ways to live, love, build a family, etc.
Fwiw this is coming from a 35F, married with no kids and would adopt if we decide we want to be parents.
Pets are amazing and I love being an auntie to my friends’ kids (no related nieces or nephews yet).
Our society has really nailed the idea is a lot of people’s minds that having a biological child/family is the only way to go. It’s definitely a narcissistic idea as a whole, now that our species doesn’t have a biological and conservational need to reproduce anymore. My husband’s family consists of biological and adopted siblings, yet it was a little shocking when his parents pushed for me to become pregnant and produce several offspring. Their reasoning was that it’s what a woman is meant to do and it’s instinct. While it may be instinctual to some, it isn’t technically ethical at this point.
Just because you pass on your genetics it does not mean you will get a mini version of yourself. Your offspring are not an extension of yourself, they are a separate individual. If that’s someone’s reason to reproduce, then that certainly is selfish. It’s good that you can acknowledge your own health concerns and realize that passing on those predispositions and hereditary issues and being okay with that would be self-centered.
Personally, my husband and I planned on adopting all of our children. We are both in our 20s and don’t intend on starting that process until we feel that we are mature and stable enough to handle a child that may come with trauma. Coincidentally, I fell pregnant last autumn. We both did genetic testing and determined that if anything unusual came back we would terminate the pregnancy. This July we will welcome our baby, but that will not hinder our plans to adopt in the future.
When I discuss these ideas and plans with my parents, they don’t understand why we would be so set on adoption. To them they view most foster children as “pre-damaged goods”, which is a disgusting way to dehumanize a child in need. They too, viewed my brother and I as extensions of themselves and have become greatly upset recently because I have grown as a person and reject many beliefs and lack of morals they have for themselves.
Adoption is not for the weak, but raising a child no matter where they come from is a challenge in itself. Either way, how you start a family is your decision/your partner’s alone to make. In the end, there isn’t necessarily a right or wrong way to create a family. It’s the reasoning behind why you do so that can become wrong and selfish. You can adopt and foster for wrong reasons as well.
I suggest not having these conversations with your dad anymore and have them with yourself and your future partner (if you desire). Only directly affected parties get an opinion.
It’s cheaper to have them naturally.
Sounds like you and your dad are very different people. You’re definitely not a “mini him.”
His feelings on this are rooted in biology. Our most primal instinct is to reproduce. He’s reacting on emotions. Thats all.
4 billion years of evolution have all been about maximising an organisms opportunities to pass on their DNA, so that is pretty hard coded in all living things.
Anyone that says it makes no difference, but has their own kids is lying. If it made no difference, why wouldn’t everyone adopt.
It probably doesn’t make much difference other than as a species, that is how we are preconditioned.
You seem like an extremely level-headed teenager! I don’t plan to have kids either. At your age, I think I assumed I would someday, and now I REALLY don’t want to have to be responsible for another human being.
People will judge you for having kids, for not having kids, for having kids the “wrong way” (and everyone’s “wrong way” will be different and conflict with each other’s).
The most important thing you can do is do what makes YOU happy (without hurting others or yourself, of course). You have plenty of time to decide what you want when you’re ready.
Some people really feel a certain kind of way about “passing down the genes” and it seems so primal and egotistical.
You’re very aware of the genes you don’t want to pass down, and I commend you for that! Not everyone realizes when they shouldn’t have kids lol.
you dad is afraid of his lineage going extinct
Nope.
But you need to see the realities of adopting. It’s really fucking hard to adopt. A lot of the times it falls through. It’s just so much heartbreak (loved one’s experiences). But when you are able to adopt and the family doesn’t take the child back, it’s awesome because you chose that child.
No. Love is love. Some might argue you love an adopted kid more because you chose them and they chose you.
Hi OP. You and me are practically in the same boat down to a T which is wow. I also don’t see the importance of having biological children.
this opinion isn’t set in stone and im happy to hear other POVs but no rule in life ever said you MUST have kids you MUST have a family, etc, and not just live for yourself and be happy. as other people mentioned, people try to build legacies through their kids and i’d like to add on top of that some people try to use kids as meaning for their lives, idk why tho. To gloss over previous failures, or make up for their lack of just.. living well. Not all though, it’s not good to generalise- some people are happy as parents and genuinely fulfilled, which good for them!
for all kids are though, i genuinely don’t see the appeal either. sure, kids are cute but I could just get a cat or something. to be a parent, you genuinely have to sacrifice so much (and if you don’t it’s questionable if your a good parent) and i’d just rather not. life can be pretty great- even if you don’t have kids. 🙂 those r my 2 cents