I (22f) can’t tell if this parent (50s M) whose son I tutor is asking for something normal or being odd. For reference we are in England. Some people have said he is trying to think me into nannying or becoming a “co-parent” and other people said this is grooming? I graduated last year.
For some backstory, I am a private tutor and I started tutoring a 9/10 year old for school entrance exams last fall. These exams are pretty important to go onto a good school. We just do maths and entrance exam materials. None of the other subjects. The dad scheduled many sessions. At the time the only unusual thing was that I was on a groupchat with the whole family including the grandparents but it made sense since the dad travels a lot and the mum works a lot. I directly message feedback to the dad since he mainly asks me what’s up with the son via PM than the groupchat.
The father is quite demanding to his son and arranges many tutoring sessions . At the peak he was missing school for tutoring and I would see the son 9-5 every day. I remember when the mum found out he was missing school she was annoyed the dad did not discuss it with her and stormed out. It was awkward and the dad seemed sheepish
She seemed okay afterwards though. The missing school was just for quite weeks and I started tutoring him on weekdays and weekends.
Recently the father had been messaging me saying he wants someone to manage his son’s education. He really wants him to do well in entrance exams to move to the next school. He kept going on about it asking to meet but I convinced him to do it via a call and basically he wants me tutoring his son all the time and said he was aware it sounded like he wanted me to take on “parental responsobility” for his son. I am in my early 20s so quite clueles on what parental repsonsibiltiy is. He said he wants to move the son’s schedule so I can work with him and cancel the sports so we can do more sessions. The boy still will go to school and all his extra time will be tutoring. He keeps saying that the sessions are more important.
He wanted to text me his son asking him to do certain tasks . I mentioned safeguarding as I don’t want to be in contact with a 9 year old and he said it would be a groupchat with the dad on it. He said the new groupchat was more for me in case I feel uncomfortable “scolding” the boy on the chat with the grandparents. He told me I see his son more than he does.
Basically I feel like the whole disciplining the son, the number of hours making sure they do all their work is a bit like a tutoring nanny. I didn’t think it was normal for tutoring so thought that maybe he is slowly trying to add more responsibility until I become a nanny.
The first week I tutored the boy he called me he said he wanted me to live with them. I didn’t say anything and he clarified it was a joke. It didn’t mean anything then but now makes me he was trying to make me a nanny from that minute. He also expects me to be on call arranging meetings of a few hours with him the next day with no regards for my availability (I tell him I’m busy and he replies after 3 days asking to reschedule).
I told my friend and she said he sounded creepy so just to be clear I barely see him in person – only in passing – and even then I do not interact him much and only really care about the boy. When I am there he just acts like I’m not in the room kissing his son and being affectionate. So I don’t think this is him being a creep. He also works quite a lot so maybe lacks social skills and does not realise how he comes across?
So is he converting me into a nanny? The grandparents do the childcare and I am pretty sure the mum would be against homeschooling from her previous storming reaction. Other people have suggested grooming but I barely interact with him and he mainly just talks about his son and acts like I’m not there.
Also to add I told him I’m going to graduate school in the fall and he didn’t sound happy but was like thank you for letting me know. So he knows I won’t be around forever.
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Backup of the post’s body:
I (22f) can’t tell if this parent (50s M) whose son I tutor is asking for something normal or being odd. For refeence we are in Engmanf. Some people have said he is trying to think me into nannying or becoming a “co-parent” and other people said this is grooming? I graduated last year.
For some backstory, I am a private tutor and I started tutoring a 9/10 year old for school entrance exams last fall. These exams are pretty important to go onto a good school. We just do maths and entrance exam materials. None of the other subjects. The dad scheduled many sessions. At the time the only unusual thing was that I was on a groupchat with the whole family including the grandparents but it made sense since the dad travels a lot and the mum works a lot. I directly message feedback to the dad since he mainly asks me what’s up with the son via PM than the groupchat.
The father is quite demanding to his son and arranges many tutoring sessions . At the peak he was missing school for tutoring and I would see the son 9-5 every day. I remember when the mum found out he was missing school she was annoyed the dad did not discuss it with her and stormed out. It was awkward and the dad seemed sheepish
She seemed okay afterwards though. The missing school was just for quite weeks and I started tutoring him on weekdays and weekends.
Recently the father had been messaging me saying he wants someone to manage his son’s education. He really wants him to do well in entrance exams to move to the next school. He kept going on about it asking to meet but I convinced him to do it via a call and basically he wants me tutoring his son all the time and said he was aware it sounded like he wanted me to take on “parental responsobility” for his son. I am in my early 20s so quite clueles on what parental repsonsibiltiy is. He said he wants to move the son’s schedule so I can work with him and cancel the sports so we can do more sessions. The boy still will go to school and all his extra time will be tutoring.
He wanted to text me his son asking him to do certain tasks . I mentioned safeguarding as I don’t want to be in contact with a 9 year old and he said it would be a groupchat with the dad on it. He said the new groupchat was more for me in case I feel uncomfortable “scolding” the boy on the chat with the grandparents. He told me I see his son more than he does.
Basically I feel like the whole disciplining the son, the number of hours making sure they do all their work is a bit like a tutoring nanny. I didn’t think it was normal for tutoring so thought that maybe he is slowly trying to add more responsibility until I become a nanny.
The first week I tutored the boy he called me he said he wanted me to live with them. I didn’t say anything and he clarified it was a joke. It didn’t mean anything then but now makes me he was trying to make me a nanny from that minute. He also expects me to be on call arranging meetings of a few hours with him the next day with no regards for my availability (I tell him I’m busy and he replies after 3 days asking to reschedule).
I told my friend and she said he sounded creepy so just to be clear I barely see him in person – only in passing – and even then I do not interact him much and only really care about the boy. When I am there he just acts like I’m not in the room kissing his son and being affectionate. So I don’t think this is him being a creep. He also works quite a lot so maybe lacks social skills and does not realise how he comes across?
So is he converting me into a nanny? The grandparents do the childcare and I am pretty sure the mum would be against homeschooling from her previous storming reaction. Other people have suggested grooming but I barely interact with him and he mainly just talks about his son and acts like I’m not there.
Also to add I told him I’m going to graduate school in the fall and he didn’t sound happy but was like thank you for letting me know. So he knows I won’t be around forever.
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How badly do you need this client?
Establish some boundaries and prepare to defend them.
It might be nothing, but, shoring your defense and knowing your terrain gives you the ability to present it in a professional manner and inquire, explain that you’re looking for X and only X.
Yeah, this just sounds strange.
Are the parents still together? Cause this sounds like he is trying to integrate you into the family, new mommy style
This is all weird, and a lot.
I’d find another job asap. This is not normal.
I don’t get romantic interest in you at all from how you’ve described his words & actions. I’d advise you to decide how many hours per week you WANT to devote to this one student and stick to that. As far as his expectations/requests that you “scold” and harass his son 24/7, I’d push back and express that you’re willing to tutor him and give him reminders and encouragement regarding due dates/work schedules, but that you’re not comfortable disciplining the child and you consider it the parents’ job to discipline him.
Also, decide what date you want to stop tutoring the child and tell this overbearing dad that you will not be available beyond that date. It’s okay if you need/want a free week or two or whatever between stopping tutoring and starting grad school–DO NOT feel bad about making your ‘stop date’ whatever you want it to be, this dad doesn’t own you!!
It all depends on how far you want to take this. Do yoy actually want to become a nanny? If so, get it on paper, with rules set. If you don’t want to, set your boundary, pull away some, and you might want to think about dropping them in all.
Side note: isn’t the dad setting too high of an expectation for the boy? Does he get to be a kid as well?
We don’t know for sure what is going on, but the following at least hint that the dad is fostering an inappropriate relationship with you–regardless of whether the “inappropriate” part is due to being a bad employer, being a bad parent, being a bad husband or all of the above:
* it is weird that the school tutor is on a group chat with the extended family–to me, it suggests dad isn’t trusted to have one-on-one convos with the tutor and this is the workaround the family decided on.
* it is weird that, in the name of having his son do better in school, he pulled him out of school for full-time tutoring with you without clearing it with anyone else first. It suggests dad is either interested in you romantically and wanted you around more or he’s off his rocker with his son’s education. Either way, mom’s reaction said it all.
* it is weird that you’re just a math tutor for a 9 year old and he’s trying to get you more and more involved in his and the child’s life. Joking about having you move in was no joke, it was a test of your reaction.
You may be wrong about all of these things, but what you’re not wrong about is how you feel. He makes you nervous and confused. There are plenty of kids out there who need tutoring, you don’t need to deal with these feelings at work. Time to quit this gig.