I was really excited after the first 2-3 dates, but we have our 4th date planned for tomorrow at his place and instead of feeling giddy I’ve been overthinking like crazy. Some things aren’t sitting right with me but I don’t know if I should communicate or just cut things off. For extra context he’s neurodivergent and has no experience prior to me:
-He’s a good communicator and asks about my preferences/checks in with me, but he’s quite anxious and open about being on the clingy side. I’m starting to feel subtly pressured by him but I’ve been sticking to my boundary of no more than 2 dates per week.
-He tends to overshare and doesn’t have a strong support system. I sense a pessimistic and negative outlook of the world when he speaks about his life. His family sucks, his friends suck right now, his job is annoying, etc. Also makes generalizing statements about people “I don’t like old people”.
-A lot of sarcasm.
-Made a comment/joke about me giving him “blue balls” when I said I wasn’t ready to have penetrative sex yet (we were making out for a while). I was turned off so I stopped everything and we just cuddled the rest of the morning. He didn’t push at all after that, but the joke triggered me and has been weighing on my mind.
After multiple experiences this year with guys disrespecting me sexually and pushing me to have PIV within a couple dates, I’m really tempted to just cancel and give up on dating for a while. Even if it’s an overreaction. I’m so fucking sick of this
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> I’m really tempted to just cancel and give up on dating for a while.
Give into temptation!
OMG, the “blue balls” whine has been around forever. Didn’t you know you were supposed to “help him out?” /s if not obvious. 🤢
Edit: I’m 70. I’ve been there. It never stops. They want you to “service” them. It hasn’t changed in 50 years. 🫤
Sounds like he’s not a bad guy but has some growing up to do. Don’t get sucked into trying to coax him through it. The negativity and lack of supports are a deal breaker on their own IMO
inexperienced and you would have to train him if you care to
Made a comment/joke about me giving him “blue balls” when I said I wasn’t ready to have penetrative sex yet
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
It’s already not worth it. Hold out for a guy you can make out with, without feeling like you have to be on the defensive. Next time you bone, have it be something you REALLY REALLY want, not just something you feel like it’s been long enough that you feel like you should.
Always always ALWAYS trust your gut. ALWAYS!
We (women) are conditioned from childhood to tamp down our feelings and “do what’s right or polite,” not to trust that our hind brain is warning us of danger.
He sounds like he will ABSOLUTELY pressure you for PIV, and you are going to end up in a situation you don’t want to deal with. His “blue balls” comment is especially problematic.
It doesn’t matter if he’s neurodivergent. It doesn’t matter if his job sucks or he has no support system. You are not his savior. It doesn’t even matter if he’s perfect. You can change your mind.
I would highly recommend pulling back and putting some space between you. No meeting up for a week or two (tell him your work is busy). Don’t text so much. Then wait. If he’s a good guy, he’ll respect your boundaries. If he’s not, he’ll become angry and unhinged because you’ve taken away his new toy. Then you know.
But still, trust your instincts.
You don’t have to be the one to teach him how to be with a woman. It’s ok to not want that role!
Trust your gut! For real. I personally wouldn’t go to his place.
It doesn’t really matter why he’s acting this way – it sounds like you just don’t really want to date him (and for the record I wouldn’t either). I would cancel.
Ew, what year is this 1992? I would have been revolted by that too. He could be a great guy overall except for the fact that he tries to guilt trip women into getting him off by bringing up blue balls. It wasn’t a joke, he was hoping you’d take care of it in some way.
If you’re already feeling hesitation at date 3 done do it. You should be twitterpated. He’s on his best behavior right now and he’s still pinging some red flags for you.
Also, he sounds like he wants a pretty codependent relationship, and you sound like you don’t. That’s a bad time.
Girl, pour yourself a glass of wine on my behalf and please cancel your date. This is major red flag vibes. I don’t like the sound of this guy one bit
Please stop seeing him. He’s already pressuring you and not respecting your boundaries. It’ll get worse.
That subtle pressure to spend more and more time and energy on him combined with a negative attitude and the belief that everything sucks… it will destroy you.
inexperienced people *will* make mistakes.
the best thing to do is to check to make sure that he *learns* from his mistakes and puts *effort* into not repeating the same mistakes.
Source: Me, an inexperienced male
it feels like you think you have to date him. like you owe him something.
you don’t! and don’t let neurodivergence or inexperience be an excuse for gross behavior. it’s not your job to teach anyone to respect you.
honestly ot already sounds like you want to walk away. please do.
He’s not necessarily unsafe. Obviously immature.
But it does sound like he’s not your flavor. It’s not your job to teach him. It’s okay if you’re just not compatible
Mix of inexperience and neurodivergent lack of social awareness.
It’ll be nobody’s fault but if you take the relationship further, you will be mommy.
10 bucks, undiagnosed adhd.
Doesn’t sound unsafe and may be a good guy under it all, but IMO he’s lacking in some fundamental, non-negotiable areas. In a way that’s a bit out of the pay grade of “this could be circumvented by setting healthy boundaries”. And frankly, it’s not your job to fix him. 🤷🏽♀️
There’s something to be said for bettering your partner and growing with them and all that, but I think going into a relationship hoping to change a person is always a dangerous game.
If he’s putting out negative energy and pushy comments right now, imagine what it’ll be like 1 year in.
Listen to your gut and move on.
Hm… how old is this man? All of these subtle red flags after only 3 dates would be enough for me to call it off. The older he is, the bigger the red flags are. The blue balls joke is pretty much all I need to know, but the over sharing, clinginess, negativity, and sarcastic personality all tell me why he hasn’t had much luck with women, and I’m not the kind of woman to teach a man at this age. Too many red flags, not worth my time.
Even with the rosiest of lenses, my thought process is that you already feel uncomfortable around the guy. Yes, he may be neurodivergent and have issues of his own to work through, but if you continue to date him while feeling uncomfortable, you are setting yourself up for an uncomfortable relationship if it continues.
You could talk to him about it. See how that goes. There are enough red flags that I wouldn’t want to do that.
If you continue to date him and he happens to be a good guy, you are continually teaching him boundaries and continually feeling uncomfortable until he gets them, if he does. Best case scenario. I’m not getting into worst case. Best case isn’t good enough for me, but it is for some and for a smaller some, it ends up being worth it. For the others, it ends up being not worst-case and it persists for a few years before it all builds up and the relationship ends. And again, I’m not talking about the worst case. You know what that is. It’s not super common but it happens.
There are a list of negatives in your post without any positives. Not even “I was really looking forward to this at first” or “I like him because…”
There doesn’t seem to be enough positive to figure out what’s behind the negative. And the negative is mostly attributable to personality – neurodivergent or not. It does not seem like a good match right from the get-go.
You can swear off dating if you want, or you can be really picky. I found mine by being really picky. Off-vibes aren’t it. Marriage should be mostly easy. Dating should be mostly easy and exciting. If you aren’t excited, nix it.
You owe him nothing. Do exactly what your body is telling you to do and bid him farewell. 🩷
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If “things aren’t sitting right”, listen to your gut and don’t see him again. It doesn’t matter if he’s inexperienced or unsafe. Certainly the “blue balls” comment would be enough for me to move on, and the rest of your post makes him sound like an ass. It is not an overreaction to dump him. You don’t owe him anything. Look out for yourself, not for some stranger.
People you know, including those you date, need to *earn* your respect. As someone else put it, they start from zero, not 100. Do not be giving them chance after chance until they finally go below some threshold.
Don’t date someone because you think maybe they aren’t that bad.
Date someone because they make you feel happy and safe and you enjoy their company and you find the idea of being without them- them in particular, not “somebody”- a real bummer.
Don’t date somebody because you feel like you need to develop an airtight legal case for why you don’t want to and you haven’t done that yet, even though your gut is screaming at you that this is not it.
Your gut is telling you things are off about this guy. Listen to that. These sound like very real concerns
By the sound of it, he’s inching all over your boundaries looking for cracks to exploit.
Is there a reason you want to push through with him?
Falling on the spectrum isn’t mutually exclusive with behavioral issues, personality disorders, or just being a plain manipulative asshole. A person could be all of those things.
Even if anyone wants to reduce all of his behavior to neurodivergence, are you happy to put up with it? Because all the things you’ve listed are choices he is making. They’re not tics. They’re not blind spots. He’s doing what he can get away with, until he can get away with more.
If you like him despite these issues then you have some options between have sex and dump him.
You could move dates to a neutral location – coffee shops, parks, museums, beaches, etc. This would make it difficult (but not impossible) to be pressured into sex. Just one example of a midway between the two extremes.
You should, if you choose to keep going, let him know that the comments about sec aren’t welcome and that if he is going to continue on that course, then you’re going to walk away.
A nervous personality combined with first time sexual experiences is going to be awkward – especially for an ND person. Some of that may NEVER go away, but probably with some time and a little experience it will slip into the background.
All that being said, it is NOT your job to teach him the ways of the world or to be his life coach. And if the general negativity is a deal breaker, then breaking things off is reasonable.
Do you actually WANT to date him?
Not just “have a boyfriend”, do you want THIS MAN?
you’re right about the “blue balls” comment being a red flag. he’s trying to make you feel guilty for not doing what he wants. if it’s already starting it’ll only escalate with time. don’t ignore this red flag.
So ultimately I feel like I can’t exactly give you much direct advice here, partly bc you don’t really explain why you want to keep seeing him, other than that you were excited at first. it IS a little hard to know how to read some of these moments in a vacuum. But the fact that they are notable to you and that you feel they are indicative of a wider issue is significant.
I’d say talk to him directly and challenge some of this stuff. I think pushing back on these little almost-“red flags” early on is smart, bc how he responds to you standing your ground is more indicative of whether he’s safe or not. In my experience, abusive guys respond to even minor push back w abusive techniques, whether it’s gaslighting, love bombing, DARVO etc. If you say the blue balls thing upset you and it becomes a discussion about how that makes HIM feel….that’s probably how he’ll handle every boundary you assert.
But I really came to comment this, in response to your title—I don’t know if there’s a binary between INEXPERIENCED OR UNSAFE. I think inexperience can make an unsafe person less safe, while also masking or laundering unsafe behaviour as reflective of inexperience/unintentional. And to be clear, when it comes to sex/abuse of any kind in relationships, take intention out of it. It’s just irrelevant and I think that even some of the most calculated-seeming abusive behaviour (like coercive control etc) is often just copying learned behaviour.
My first BF was inexperienced and idk about ND, but defs struggling w mental illness. His inexperience only made him more eager to pressure and coerce me—I became an opportunity for him to gain experience, and since he felt insecure about it, but he was finally dating someone (me)…he I think felt entitled to use me for that purpose without concern for my wants or boundaries. Young men experience a LOT of pressure around having sex/gaining experience, and if they feel they’re “behind”, they might not consider that they’re pushing you, bc in their mind they’re just getting themselves to where they’re meant to be.
Might not be the case, but I wanted to point out this “distinction” isn’t really a distinction, and how the inexperience can be sort of weaponised and become unsafe. Bc the emotional weight and pressure of allowing them to “recoup” that experience they think they deserve from you is powerful. Is he insecure about his inexperience when asked? I think that’s also a big indicator.
And in terms of ND…I’m ADHD myself (late diagnosed) and I guess I’d just be rigorous with yourself about to what degree you’re using that to excuse behaviour which may be related to his neurodivergence but ultimately isn’t a symptom, or something that he actually really struggles with, but rather just shitty behaviour he’s using his diagnosis to launder. ie, the blue balls comment could just be a weird awkward thing he said. BUT if you say it made you uncomfortable and he refuses to accept that, that’s not an ND related issue at all, it’s a devaluation of your comfort and sense of safety. I admit I say this with some guilt, bc it’s not a nice way to talk about ND, but also w some bitterness, bc as an ND woman, I find we are almost NEVER given this kind of benefit of the doubt. If our symptoms affect others (or not, honestly) they’re doubly punished.
Whereas SOMETIMES there can be a thing w ND (often autistic) men where they have been early enough diagnosed and their family has maybe gone beyond “accomodating” their ND to using it as a kind of shield (sorry to say boy mums w ND boys they’ve spent their lives caring/advocating for their son who they usually see as super smart and special but misunderstood) to justify a degree of entitlement in relationships. I may be way off and again, this isn’t about ND. But the way you mention it but it doesn’t seem to actually be a factor beyond you giving him the benefit of the doubt in the face of your own discomfort made me think this.
I don’t want to tell someone else’s story here, but I do know of a Mum who was told she needed to talk to her autistic young adult son about consent etc bc of concerns about how he was handling his relationship. She said well, all that stuff is harder for him bc of his autism (meaning bc he struggles more w social cues etc). As in—I don’t need to talk to him about this bc he can’t be expected to navigate it (consent). I believe she reflected when it was pointed out that that is exactly WHY she needed to talk to him—his difficulties w others boundaries etc meant this was something to be addressed. But in his Mum’s mind, it wasn’t FAIR to expect him to try and navigate such things. I kinda hate saying this bc again, this is kind of a fantasy of how ND kids get treated which simply doesn’t happen for everyone, and defs not women, lol.
Buuuut I DO see this attitude a lot more w ND young men—they are often very supported in what they’re good at (especially if academic etc) and lean into that, so they aren’t forced to develop skills they struggle with, which is one thing, but bc of yknow, society and misogyny etc, they’re encouraged to dismiss these “soft skills” altogether as lesser/unnecessary/unimportant, particularly bc they’re more feminine associated skills like emotional intelligence, communication etc. Their moms often “manage” these aspects of their lives to some degree, or at least help a lot, and as young adults they transitions to expecting a GF or partner to do it, too—they genuinely don’t think it’s their burden, and they also don’t recognise it as a burden at all bc they devalue it/refuse to see it. These kind of care relationships CAN bc fine and healthy and tbh there needs to be more discussion about the reality of ND partnerships BUT when that means that YOU are carrying the ENTIRE BURDEN of ensuring your own bodily agency/consent in the relationship, that’s inherently dangerous. Especially if you’re a woman and he’s a man—bc of societal power dynamics, but also physically. If he is the one actually penetrating you (if you do have piv sex), then he NEEDS to take on some of the burden bc he is the only one who can make that stop 100% of his own volition.
In short, I’d say trust your instincts and talk to him! Bc I don’t think you’re feeling this way for no reason but you’re still questioning bc you’re just not sure. If you tell him how you feel and he’s understanding then you can work on it, or figure out what things he actually struggles with and need to be reframed for both of you to manage going forward. If he can’t even have that conversation without shifting the blame onto you, then he fundamentally feels entitled to you and your body and now you know that.
Mmmm… All this immature Bullshit will get worse. All those red & yellow flag behaviors you mentioned OP will get 10x worse. As soon as you give him sex he will demand a relationship, manipulate you into spending more than you two days, guilt you into sex constantly…. Just don’t go there. Virgins should date virgins and they should drive each other crazy. Go find a more mature guy that can respect you as a person.
I just want to say… The term “Blue Balls” isn’t some made up reaction… It’s real. The medical term is epididymal hypertension, which causes mild discomfort and pain in the testicles from prolonged erections without ejaculation.
Not excusing the using it to coerce sex excuse… But I think people think it’s not real and it’s just a like a folk tale or something.
Always a good read to help you analyse the situation:
Link to a free pdf of Lundy Bancroft’s “Why does he do that?”
https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Ah, “fluent in sarcasm”. It’s often not a great vibe and it’s ok if you’re turned off and no longer feeling it. He sounds too clingy and stressful.
Oh and yeah the blue-balls comment would instantly end it for me. We simply don’t have time for that kind of shit. Block to burn imo.
It is easy for people who don’t have experience not to understand how jokes that seem funny to them might touch on issues that are very sensitive to another person. I think the important question is their reaction when this happens. Do they learn from their experience and try to take a differing viewpoint on board, or do they insist the joke was funny and you’re just not getting it/too uptight?
Either way, inexperience can be unsafe. Even if someone is able to learn it is not your duty to teach them.
I’m not sensing “unsafe” but I am sensing you kinda don’t like him.
Yeah, you don’t have to like everyone.
“Blue balls” is the biggest red flag, but since he stopped after that and didn’t pressure you, I think he can be given the benefit of the doubt… for now.
It’s fair that you are feeling guarded, and I’m glad you’re trying to protect yourself. You don’t have to date this person if you just aren’t really feeling it.