My (25f) partner (26m) have been together for almost 5 years. When we were together for about a year and a half, he asked me to move in with him, and I made it very clear that if we moved in together, I expected to be engaged a year from then. I told him I didn’t want to live with someone who didn’t want to marry me, and emphasized how important that was. He agreed, and I moved in. Over the next few years, I began to feel like his mom. He worked higher paying job than me, so during this time, I did all the cooking and cleaning, as well as managing our social calendar and basically teaching him how to be an adult, because he had a sheltered childhood. At a certain point, we began to bicker constantly, and it then turned into constant full on arguments. We ended up doing a year and a half of couples therapy, which brought the arguments back down to just bickering. In therapy, I consistently brought up feeling like his mom and his constant selfish behavior as a person, but he never really addressed or changed it. I also repeatedly addressed the fact that we had lived together for almost 3 years and he continued to push the proposal with excuse after excuse. After me begging and begging for years, he finally proposed in May, and I was absolutely over the moon, thinking this meant he really was ready to change. Recently, I started making a lot more money, and we decided that I would chip in 30% of the rent, because he still made significantly more. I assumed that this would mean he would pick up 30% more of the cooking and cleaning. I work weird hours, so I wouldn’t be home enough to do everything anyway. But it didn’t change. I’m never home to clean, so nothing gets clean. Our home is disgusting. And when I tried to bring it up, he got defensive and shut it down. He also has been completely MIA during wedding planning. He expanded the guest list from 100 to 150, despite me repeatedly saying I wanted a small wedding. He never wants to talk about it, he doesn’t acknowledge the work I put into things. And when I gave him two tasks, getting the addresses for his guest list and finding a dj, he claimed that was too many things to ask of him because of his adhd. A week ago I tried to have a big conversation to discuss all of these issues, and he told me that if I wanted out so badly, he wasn’t going to beg, which devolved into me begging that I did really want to get married. After talking to my therapist and best friend, I decided I could marry him. Yesterday after a day trip that involved us doing nothing but bickering, I told him on the two hour drive him that I was done. I cited all the reasons I wrote about here, and that I was at my breaking point. He cried and yelled and begged that I give him a week or even a day to fix things, and I told him I don’t want to do that, but he insisted, and wouldn’t let me go to sleep last night until I agreed to give him a day. But I just want this to be over. I’m so embarrassed to have to tell my friends and family that I’m calling off my engagement, and his begging is weakening my resolve. Do I give him another chance, because I really do love him.
TL;DR partner of 5 years had been selfish and immature our entire relationship, and I’m finally at a breaking point. Do I call it off even though he says he can change?
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YESSS call it off! No question about it. He’s not going to change, he only says he’ll change so you want call it off and leave him. Things will get worse and harder.
He’d shown you time and time again he’s unable of u willing to change. Stop wasting your life on him.
He has shown you who he is consistently for the past 5 years (and even couples therapy didn’t help). Please believe his actions and leave. You are not married so it is easier on so many levels to leave now rather after you are in fact married. You deserve so much better.
You’ve been long iver due to break it off. Playing house is never a good idea. But moving in was a saving grace. It taught you who he really was and what you do not want and what you expect. Why waste another min arguing about spilt milk.
I’ve learned that broken promises will erode the foundation of trust in a relationship. Its difficult and things don’t change as much as they promise they will. You need to go into a marriage with this guy knowing this is how it will be. I know I couldn’t do that.
Don’t you deserve so much more than this ? Love and respect is not measured in how much you make. You should be equal and cherished. This is not a person who is going to get better. Right now is the best he will be and then it will get much worse. Stop settling and realize your worth.
Don’t be like so many others and fall for the sunk cost fallacy. You’ve seen a glimpse of your future. Be thankful for it and dodge it!
Ok babe, you need to let this man go. Calling off an engagement is easier than divorce. You can and should do this for yourself.
How many red flags do you need. Have some self respect for yourself. He doesn’t love you he wants someone to take care of him and he is scared when you mentioned leaving cause he can’t manipulate you anymore. You are his mother maid and enabler
Actions speak louder than words. People who promise to change never do, or they do once it’s too late.
You’re still young. Leave, give yourself time to grieve the end of the relationship and heal.
Take this as a lesson learned. You should’ve left at the one year of living together mark when he hadn’t proposed despite claiming he was aligned.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s going to hurt to hear, but I don’t think he ever planned on marrying you. If he did, he wouldn’t have had to be coerced into proposing. I could be wrong, but from what you share here it sure does sound as though he was only interested in the benefits of having a live in partner without the true commitment.
Also, when he asked that you contribute 30% of rent but failed to step up and help around the house I would’ve deducted what it would cost him to hire a private party to cook, clean, etc. for him.
Is alcohol drinking involved?
Don’t feel embarrassed telling people. Better to tell them the weddings off than a few yrs down the kind you are divorcing. He’s a lazy ah. It’s also no one else’s business but yours & tbh you don’t have to announce it just tell those closest to u. & move out get your own place.
Do you want to feel embarrassed temporarily or be in a miserable marriage?
You know the answer.
Go back and read this as though someone else wrote it. What would you tell them??
I just broke up with my partner of four years for similar reasons. I felt like I was having to beg him to want to participate in life milestones and realized that if I continued on, the rest of my life would’ve been me having to temper my excitement and drag him kicking and screaming into things that are supposed to be wonderful life events like marriage, kids, a house, etc.
I’m still grieving the relationship hard, but my friends and family say over and over that I deserve someone who is excited to share these things with me, and you absolutely do too! You will not be asking too much of the right man and while it will be incredibly hard to say goodbye now, your future self will thank you for it.
Sending lots of love!
Sounds like you’ve answered your own question.
My take on relationships is that both sides should have equal priority. They don’t need to beg each other for something; they just need to ask. So I think it’s better to call it off.
Call it off. You will thank yourself
He does not respect your boundaries. He does not put in effort. Honestly he lacks awareness too. Don’t even explain yourself. Get ahold of your resources finances and support system and get out. You can do it. Better things are coming.
Better to cancel the wedding than going through a divorce. Promises are not actions.
I remember when my now ex was being a jerk the 6 months leading up to the wedding. No participating but having plenty of comments and demands despite not knowing what was going on or paying for any of it. His parents agreed to pay for food, had tons of special requests from the caterer and paid for the deposit then stiffed them so I had to scramble to pay for it.
I distinctly remember when he felt “too overwhelmed “ with the details he said either I met him at the church on the corner or we didn’t get married- this was after 6 years together and all the planning. I was heartbroken. He said if marriage to him was the important part then the wedding I planned so hard on meant “nothing” and make my choice.
Girl, I literally collapsed and begged this man on the ground, sobbing to please please just marry me at the venue. I begged and pleaded like some bottom feeder to not take my hard work away. (It was a small wedding for 70 in the mountains, not a grand affair but venue, rentals, entertainment, food, cocktails, and I paid for it all myself).
He told me he would think about it and he reluctantly got in the car the next morning to drive to the site. This man continued to break my heart over and over. Make me work three jobs while he didn’t hold down anything, I did all the housework, cooking, bills, vacation planning, school functions for his kids, etc. Then after the demeaning and insults became apparent then the light pushing, poking, screaming in my face, shoving things into me started. That escalated to other physical type abuse and I left after 11 total years.
If you expect your boy/man to change forget about it. Expect to continue on as things have been. Your choice is to part ways now or divorce later. That’s your decision.
Listen to your gut and call it off. You deserve a man that wants to marry you, not one that only proposed to shut you up. You should never, ever have to beg for a proposal. Wishing you all the happiness!
Yes, this is done. Don’t spend the rest of your life with someone like this.
Drop the dead weight, you’ll be so much better off for it. You have the whole world as your oyster!
for god’s sake, call it off
Just end it. You’ll one day look back and wonder why you didn’t walk away if you do actually marry the guy. The fact that you have to set conditions that he ignores continually is not a good sign.
Most men will change – temporarily – once you are ready to walk away. Then what’s your agreed to stay, the old behaviors will return within one to three months.
next time, move out immediately at the year mark when there’s no proposal, like you said you would.
You seemed to have been fixated on the idea of proposal and marriage, and tolerated his bad behaviour because you wanted to be a wife. Well, you,have been his wife for a long time, just not legally. He has already shown you what marriage to him would be like. You are not happy about the division of labour at home, which is,never going to change. Just call off the engagement and move out. It is an excellent idea. It is the only decision that makes any sense. You tried talking to him, you tried councelling. It did not work. A wedding is not a magic trick that will alter his personality, or his habits. Please listen to your gut. It is ok to make a mistake and believe he would change. It is also ok to admit to making that mistake. It is totally ok for you to put yourself first, because he is definitely not been doing it. Cancel the wedding plans, I bet he won’t even notice for a while. Start looking for a new home for yourself. Use the money you have saved up for the wedding for the rent of your new place. It will be the best investment you have ever made. Good luck, and please do not chicken out due to fear of embarrassment. It is just a feeling, and it will pass.
I would say leave before you get married to this man. I feel like I’m reading my own words from 2 years ago. I was with my high school sweetheart for 11 years and was his mom/caretaker. He expected me to do all the house and cooking duties, despite us both having full-time jobs and I making more than him. He saved all his money while mine went to groceries and rent. It was a mess. When he proposed, he was an angel. He didn’t help do anything to plan the wedding, but he did other things that made me feel like he was changing. He was the perfect man the three months encompassing the wedding. 4 weeks after we got married he went back to his old ways. I nagged him for years about the same concerns and finally I had my breaking point and we got divorced after only a year a half. It left me with so much debt and both of our lives were so entangled with his side of the family that I lost my job, house, everything.
I am now married to an incredible man, and we are expecting our first child together. If I could go back and expedite my current life by leaving sooner, I would have. Good luck OP, you deserve a partner, not a manchild.
EDIT: No matter how many times he says he will change, he won’t. And if he does, he will do it for a couple weeks and then revert back. Anything he can say to get you to stay. He will play good for as little time as possible to make you feel heard, and then slyly return to old ways. Tale as old as time.
Guys like this I’ll never understand. I’m sorry OP but if he marries you it’s not because he wants to, it’s because you’ve forced him to. Do you want your love story to be you and someone you’ve forced to marry and raised? I doubt it. Honey you need a real man. Anybody can make money. He’s a shell of a human. He’s not going to “grow” until you leave. This is a catalyst relationship for both of you. It forces him to grow and change and forces you to raise your fuxking standards out of hell please.
Edit live to love
It’s really really hard to walk away from someone you love (ask me how I know) but when you hit that brick wall of knowing that things will never change, it’s time to go. And think about it: so he’s begging now for you to stay because what? you didn’t matter enough before to keep promises made but suddenly you do now? No way, he’ll just make a few meaningless concessions to keep you ( do you know how hard it is to get good help? /s) and then the minute he thinks the crisis has passed, he’ll just go back to way things were before. If he cared, if he really loved you, he would have kept his promise he made initially. You should have walked away when he broke that first promise: lesson learned.
Definitely call it off I think you are both jumping into the commitment for the wrong reasons The bickering and resentment will only get worse with time, you’ve both invested too much time on this toxic relationship
Call it off
Bro can’t even do 2 simple wedding tasks or clean up the house. If you want kids … I would NOT have kids with this guy. You’re young, call it off and focus on yourself and find someone who isn’t so damn lazy
You’re only 25. Why do you wanna live in this miserable situation? This guy is keeping you from meeting your husband.
Call it off girlie. He is a loser.
Do you love him, or do you love your ideal version of him?
I didn’t even finish reading it.
A ring will not change someone.
A baby will not change someone.
He is not fulfilling your expectations of a relationship, so you will constantly be disappointed. Don’t you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has the same expectations & relationship goals as you?
Don’t be a statistic.
MARRIAGE WILL NOT CHANGE SOMEONE.
You gave him one too many chances. He showed you who he really is. People don’t change. It didn’t take a day or two weeks to change. It takes much longer. Pack your things and leave. You can definitely do better.
If he wanted to change, he could have made some kind of effort. Empty words and no action. Don’t sign up for this…time to find someone who wants to be an equal partner.
Oh god yes just leave!! I read this and became exhausted for you.
Yes it’s a good idea! He will not be a good husband, stay strong ! You’re so young you will meet someone better !
Definitely call it off. Don’t fall for his behavior. Find an adult to date. (My son, 26, is taken, but they’re out there!)
Dude. I couldn’t even read all of this.
He doesn’t want to marry you. Move on.
What do get from this relationship? Why is being married so important that you subjugate yourself to someone who is clearly not interested in being married to you?
There’s a man out there who will be your mate, not your adopted child. Who will want you to be his wife. Go find him.
CALL IT OFF
As you learned, the FIRST ring didn’t change him into an adult .. and neither will the second.
I have always made at least 4x my wife’s pay, but one thing is clear – while my *paycheck* is more important, BOTH jobs are very important. Each of us do meaningful things and care about our careers. Therefore when we get home we both contribute to cooking and cleaning and other responsibilities. Your paycheck should NEVER mean you have more or less responsibility for chores around the house.
No, you don’t give him another chance. He has had chances for the past five years that he never bothered to resolve. You have voiced your concerns previously and he has blatantly ignored them. Therapy obviously didn’t work for him. Hand him the ring back and find a place to live. In the meantime, move into another bedroom of one is available or stay with friends. He deserves for you to walk away.
Honey, he’s not going to change.
You need to realize that you are in love with the potential of this man, not who he actually is.
You have begged, therapy, you have been holding up the sky for so long. Only now is he willing to change?? He’s not. He’s going to change long enough to get you to the alter and then you will once again be left holding the bag… except worse. He doesn’t even have you locked down yet.
He only cares enough to keep you from leaving, not enough to make sure you are happy, getting your needs met, or just a service provider to make his life easier.
Wait until years from the ‘vows’ and he will throw it back at you. “You knew who I was when you married me”
It’s ok to hold space to love him and to walk away knowing he’s not the right person for you.
Love yourself MORE than you love him. You only have one life.
He can grow and change, but not with you. He has to have his heart broken by you to make change. And it still might not happen.