I’m 28M, and I’ve been dating my gf (26F) for about 6 months. Things are mostly good, but she constantly brings up her ex. It’s not always negative, either sometimes it’s just random stories or little comparisons, like “oh, my ex used to take me to this place” or “my ex hated this show, but I love it”.
She’s even mentioned that they stayed in touch for a while after breaking up, but she swears they don’t talk anymore. I get that people have a past, but it’s starting to feel like I’m competing with a ghost.
I’ve never dated someone who brought up their ex this often, and it’s making me question if she’s fully moved on. Is this a real red flag?
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For me it was. The thing was it was boring. The slightest thing and my ex would bring up his ex.
I felt like I knew more about her than him, that I was in a relationship with her.
When I ended it he spun me as jealous and insecure. Nah, I was bored out of my mind.
It’s a red flag IMO when someone doesn’t have more of their own thoughts about something when you bring it up.
*insomnia edit
Sounds like she hasn’t fully moved on from her ex and you need to talk to her about it. Sit down with her and tell her something has been on your mind and it’s about her bringing up her ex. Just have an adult conversation about it because it’s not right when you’re with someone always talking about an ex. She’s with you not him and it’s completely different so talk to her about how it makes you feel and what she is thinking.
Red flag
Idk, I’ve been married to the love of my life and we divorced while remaining civil and on good terms, it wasn’t ugly and I will always respect him and honor the love we shared, but in my relationship after, I’m not one to bring up any exes unless asked about. I don’t think of any exes when I’m with my partner as I am focused on making new memories with them and sharing experiences with them. It sounds like maybe your gf is lacking some kind of closure with her ex and by talking about him is helping her mind find that kind of closure. It’s a complicated situation because she can be happy with you and want a future with you while still feeling a type of void he might have left her with. Both things can be true. 6 months is still pretty fresh. I’d hope within 6 more months the thought of him fades away. I just don’t like assuming the worst right off the bat.
Maybe try talking to her about him. You start the conversation. Gently ask about their past and what set him apart from previous exes. Ask how you can help her shift her mind to not talk about him as much and then tell her how it makes you feel. She might not realize she does it as much as she does and by you pointing it out and asking questions, might make her more mindful. She can catch a thought about him and let it go before she opens her mouth about him.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m really hoping it works out for you but obviously if she persists after you have talked to her and asked questions then maybe she needs space to figure it out and find that closure she may need. Even if they broke up on decent terms and said goodbye, she might still be confused on something.
Sending you well wishes things work itself out and you both have a happy, healthy relationship!
Yes
RED FLAG!!!!!!
She’s trying to make you jealous and the more you’re internalizing it the more she’s going to try to get a rise out of you. Just tell her to cut it out! To have some respect and sensitivity!
If she keeps bringing up her ex, maybe you should show her some of your old photos too! Fair’s fair, right? Let the ghost competition begin!
You can ask her politely not to bring the ex up as that has no relevance your relationship. You communicating how it makes you feel will let her know that it is not appropriate.
This could potentially be a red flag. All depends on if she isn’t over them.
Major red flag. She clearly still into him
100% red flag of she broke up recently and using you as medium to forget him, once she forgets him you ll be forgotten too 😂
My girlfriend of the past 8 years keeps bringing up my ex’s, I don’t talk about them, but she sure does. We are in a great relationship, so I just tell her that the person that I am today is because of all my past relationships.
It’s an…orange? flag. Sometimes it means they are not completely over their ex, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Show her a better future and she’ll move on quicker. Sometimes, they just feel comfortable enough with you to talk about their lives and it’s just innocent conversation. Sometimes, it’s a red flag and she’s still madly in love with them. If it bothers you, have a conversation about it. Communication is key. Don’t throw out any accusations or ask them directly if they are still in love or whatever. Just something along the lines of..”hey I notice you bring up your ex quite often. Are there any lingering feelings there?” Or something to that extent. Showing you listen, care, and don’t judge is also another way to get her past her exes.
Not necessarily, I have an ex, we haven’t been together for 15 years and we’ve continued to talk for 15 years. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for 6 years and everything is going well. The relationship with my ex is not ambiguous or anything.
The real question is do you trust him or not?
You’re a rebound
Yes it’s a red flag.
She mentions him a lot because she’s thinking about him a lot. That’s not a good sign and even if she’s not in contact with him (which she may well be lying about) then she’s clearly not over him.
It also shows a massive lack in empathy towards you as anyone with half a brain knows constantly bringing up exes is unlikely to be nice for a partner to hear.
My husband died so I bring him up all the time. That’s the only acceptable excuse.
Yes, that’s as red flag
She must be thinking about him a lot…. Do with that what you want.
It’s totally valid to feel the way you do no one wants to feel like they’re in a relationship with someone who’s emotionally elsewhere. You deserve to feel secure and valued, and it’s okay to gently express how this makes you feel. Communication can go a long way here.
She’s still got a thing for him. Get her to stop or get out. It’s still early
This is bad.
Not really, let her know you’re uncomfortable.
Shes probably oblivious about how this is making you feel.
This is a major red flag and incredibly disrespectful to you. I’d talk to her and let her know you don’t like it. If she reacts badly to you asking her then I suggest you rethink the relationship. If she apologises and says she won’t mention him anymore then give it another go.
It could have many reasons. She may not be over him, or she may simply be someone who tends to linger in the past. Or did they break up relatively recently? I started dating my partner a bit too soon after breaking up a five-year relationship, and I was reminded of my ex very often especially in the beginning, although I did not express that most of the time. It was not a bad sign or anything, and it lessened over time. A previous relationship has a big impact on someone, especially when it was recently. A breakup costs a lot of time to process fully.
My advice would be to talk to her about it. You can mention that it’s worrying you that she’s bringing up her ex this often. In a healthy relationship you should be able to discuss this together.
How long was she with her ex? How long between her ex and you? If she’s 26, and she was with her ex for 8 years, then a 6 month gap, and then you, I get it. If she was only with her ex for a couple of years, it’s a little weird
Advice? Is she worth it? If you’re otherwise happy, talk to her about it and ride it out. If this is overwhelming, walk away
sounds like she may not be over him, and if she doesn’t have the closure she may eventually start comparing him to you.
Yeah, it’s a red flag. It sounds like she’s not fully over him, or at least hasn’t made enough emotional space for your relationship. It’s fair to bring it up you shouldn’t feel like you’re competing with her past.
This sounds fine. I think it’s a red flag to refuse to talk about your ex or to insist that your current partner not talk about exes
Bro, lol.
Have you asked her not to? I would have maybe done that here or there until my SO communicated that he didn’t want to hear anything about my exes.
But, red flag if it’s truly “constant,” they shouldn’t be occupying her brain that much while you’re together as a couple now.
For me it would be infuriating the “oh ex used to bring me here” ok you are telling me because you don’t want to go or are you comparing? Because if you are comparing I have some notes from my exes for you too.
Have you spoken with her? A lot of people talk about exes, and she might not realize it bothers you. Now, if you tell her, hey it bothers me that you’re always mentioning your ex, could you stop? And she doesn’t- then it’s a bye bye 👋
☠️
yeah absolutely.
How long have you been together?
She hasn’t moved on. Dump her, it will only get worse. Massive red line…
Dude, I unmatched with a girl on Hinge for bringing up her ex three times within 30 minutes of chatting.
Bro just tell her frankly that you hate bringing her ex always and after leave her. It’s a major red flag. Just tell her so that she will not feel hanging or confused why you leave her
I feel like it depends on the person and the situation. How did it end? Do you fully trust your gf? Sometimes, if I’m with people I’m comfortable around, my filter slips and I’ll start commenting on whatever pops into my head, so it’s not necessarily a sign of anything. She’s also not necessarily thinking about her ex in a ‘I miss you’ way, it could just be a ‘oh, I have a memory of this place/thing’ that she shares without thinking. If it makes you uncomfortable or nervous, I’d suggest talking to her about it to get more details or setting boundaries if it’s really bothering you.
Yes, it’s a massive red flag. She’s not emotionally over him. She still has feelings for him. You’re probably a rebound.
Anybody that mentions that ex constantly is still emotionally involved with them.
Lay down a boundary not only would have but with yourself. You need to understand what sort of experiences you want to have in your life with a partner. I’m pretty sure you don’t want to have a partner that talks constantly about their ex.
You’ll need to understand if she aligns with you or not. And if you want someone that aligns, then clear your answer is clear
I don’t understand this personally. Sometimes I’ll be talking about going somewhere or doing something but I feel weird just saying “I” when a crucial part of me doing that thing was being with her. WE went and did that thing and everybody has significant people from their past that they did virtually every single thing with. But I can understand it being annoying if it’s excessive.
It’s a real red flag. It also sounds boring as hell.
Run
She has not processed the end of that relationship before begging one with you. It could go either way but it usually doesn’t go well for the rebound person once they figure out what they want in a companion.
It’s a big red flag, I had the same experience, it’s to be honest exhausting and kills the vibe everytime and they just blame it on us for being insecure and jealous.
I just think its a red flag as she hasn’t moved on properly, one slight off from your side, she won’t fight with you to find the solution; she would fight with you and go to her ex seeking comfort.
Does she lack the self awareness to realise you don’t give a shit about her ex’s opinions? It’s a red flag because she’s continuing to think of him this often, probably not fully over him.
You might be a rebound and they are still processing everything
Huuuuge red flag. If they are talking about their ex you could be the rebound. I had that experience back in the day and it screwed me up quite a bit, so for me, biiig red flag, never again
Every time I’ve ever dated someone who cannot stop talking about their ex I’ve broken up with them because I assume that if that ex comes back they’re going to drop me in a heartbeat so, why waste my time.
It’s either a game to make you jealous or an insecurity that’s needs to be worked on.
Insecurities are common and as long as you confront it and get a good response then it’s not a red flag. People struggle to decouple their emotions from ex partners depending on how relationships end and their personalities.
You could say in a non-accusatory way the next time she mentions her ex ; “I noticed you bring up your ex a lot in conversation, are you truly over him or is he on your mind so much because you miss him”. Maybe ask her how she would feel if it was the other way around.
Study her face at this point and depending on her reaction, it could be a red flag.
If you can’t tell her it makes you uncomfortable, you don’t have an authentic relationship. Just real because eventually your relationship will b real.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Ask her to stop.
Ehhhh. I’ve been with my fiancé for 7 years and she used to bring up her exs, just random things. I told her at some point that while I understand they were probably good people and they were a big part of her life, I want to build a future with her rather than focus on our past relationships. She seemed to understand and hasn’t really brought them up again.
I do know she felt like she could never bring them up, so at some point I had to clarify that it was okay, just too frequent mention of said exs made me question her long term loyalty. I had 2 horrible relationships before her and was still getting over my own problems.
We are both very happy and things are smooth now.
This is always a red flag…you can’t win, either she’s hung up on him… OR… You will always be playing the comparison game and she doesn’t value you for who you are,just how you out-compete the ex. Likely she needs a little bit of time, therapy or both.
When you are over someone who ment something to you, you feel an ech mentioning them too much like you are over reacting now and shouldn’t be giving it so much effort, if she puts the effort , she sees like it’sworth mentioning.
You never get to have an argue to keep saying negative things or bad things and you don’t feel super sad or blue so you try not to mention them.
One should feel neutral about people who mean nothing to them.
Every woman I’ve talked to will usually not stop talking about anything, ever, at any time. Most will keep going until they find something to do or they’re told they should stop if they’re being an ass. That includes bringing up exs. It’s not even intentional really, they just can’t help themselves especially if they have ADHD or something else
tell her that it upsets you. no need to suffer it
No it’s not a “red flag” but it is a dumpable irritant
yes that’s a red flag if she compares then maybe he thinks that youre not better enough for her or he reminisce their journey that makes her no excitement anymore like going into places. Well you should tell her that it made you feel uncomfortable and it makes you sad
Not necessarily a red flag that she’s bringing it up, moreso a red flag that she’s telling you it’s her ex. Like if someone I’m dating asks if I’ve been to X restaurant, I would say “yeah me and a buddy went there a few times” or “yeah I used to go a lot” etc and not “my ex used to bring me there”. There’s ways of telling stories without making your current partner feel uncomfortable or like they’re competing
Makes me wonder if she’s still talking to him if he’s always popping up in her mind
Sounds like she’s working through old issues. Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable. Depending on the relationship and how much time they spent together, it’s hard not referencing someone you spent a lot of time with. It’s like referring to a friend you don’t talk to anymore but used to everything with. It was part of her life at one time and if her and her ex used to do things – that’s the truth.
I think it’s subjective but I was in a brief relationship with someone who kept talking about their ex and it was a turn off for me.
Yes it is. She is clearly not over him and not ready for a new relationship.
i dont think its a major red flag. people have these rules that they expect everyone to follow. some people just don’t have the best filter. some people have a hard time following these rules.
what I can suggest for sure is to kindly and calmly communicate to your partner that always mentioning the ex hurts you. I would stay away from making a rule that you cannot bring it up.
I was married for 8 years. maybe I rushed into my current relationship a bit too soon. I waited a year. I bring up my ex more than I would like to. its hard because the experience of a decent relationship I feel is helpful to explain things. my current partner has not had a serious relationship as she was completely devoted to her career. sometimes my previous relationship is the only frame of reference that I can think of.
another helpful thing will be to see how is your girlfriend treating you in other regards. any relationship that you have will likely have some serious problems. be careful of asking reddit for advice. so many people will just say DUMP HER. good relationships are built by dealing with issues and not running away.
This is a red flag yeah, but not souly because she brings up her ex, it’s that they bring up their ex “alot”.
Most people are going to have past relationships that didn’t pan out for this or that reason. Part of moving on from those relationships is learning to let go of those memories and feelings so that you can grow as a person and allow future relationships to prosper.
When we feel a constant need to bring up a past relationship whether its recent or not, it indicates that we have not truly moved on from it, that we are still thinking about it and living in those memories.
When we think about or fantasize about a past relationship regularly we compare our current relationship to it and start to pick it apart.
This is why this particular issue is sometimes referred to as a zombie relationship, because despite being dead or over, it still exists and will consume any other relationship it interacts with, destroying it eventually. If you’ve ever been directly compared to their ex, that is a glaring red signal that this is occurring.
Your response to this should be to simply talk to them about it, ask them frankly if they’ve moved on and when they inevitably say yes mention the constant reminiscing and how it might be affecting your relationship. Depending on your response to that you’ll know whether to stay or run for the hills.
If theres some self reflection and acceptance that it may be an issue (not just them saying they’ll repress it) then you have a good shot at having a healthy long lasting relationship.
If they get offended and defensive about it, or worse, an argument starts, that would be them choosing their old relationship over yours. . . So run, run fast, run very fast.
I’m not in the psychology field, but I’ve been in some good and bad relationships, let me know what you think and good luck.
Kiss of death
How long was she with him? Did they live together?
It can be kind of awkward to avoid mentioning someone who is a part of 90% of your stories from the last few years.
Yes, red flag. Her ex is living rent free in her head and you’re constantly being compared to him, being measured based on him. You’re dating her but she seems to be dating you both.
I would have a talk with her. Ask her point blank, “Is there a reason you keep bringing him up? Are you still not over him? Because if you are over him and you really want to be with me, I’d appreciate you not bringing him up anymore since he has nothing to do with our relationship.”
In my opinion, if she constantly brings him up it can mean a multitude of things:
Good luck. I wouldn’t assume the worst right away. Communicate how all this makes you feel in a nice way, and see how she reacts and what she says. Keep an eye out for her getting really defensive, her changing her story, denying what she’s been saying, downplaying it… those are all huge red flags.
Yeah, she is not over him. She moved on without healing and has brought in all her baggage from the last relationship. This is not off to a good start. Just be prepared the worst.
Personally, I wouldn’t want the emotional rollercoaster that comes with that kind of baggage. I would move on and give her time to heal.
Personally I don’t see this a red flag, but I also keep a nominal contact with a lot of my ex’s so perhaps I’m just trying to project that it’s okay.
It should only be a red flag if the comparison start to be problematic. “Well my ex paid for everything”, “well my ex always had sex with me when I asked”, “well my ex let me do this so you should too”.
Especially if this was a recent relationship, or a big relationship, or a long-term relationship it’s going to be a core formational thing for this person. If it bothers you bring it up to them and explain exactly why I bought. It’s not an outright red flag, but if it’s something that really bothers you and they don’t address it then that isn’t outright red flag. However, if you bring this up and they don’t meaningfully address it that is an outright red flag.
Huge, she’s not over him 💀
It could just be a bad habit but it’s one she’s going to have to break
Yes, it is a red flag. Constantly bringing up an ex..especially casually or in comparisons…shows she might not be fully over them. You deserve someone fully present with you.
Tell her honestly how it is affecting you, and ask her to respect your feelings and lay the topic off. If she notes it and keeps accordingly, its not a red flag. Especially if she been for a long time with her ex, naturally memories popping up in the head. I had a 8 years relationship. 3 years after, still popping up every now and then, but i know my current partner does not lile these so i keep it to myself if pops up and move on.
If she cannot do it then yes, redflag waving my guy, that she is too much involved still.
Is it possible that’s all she has of an adult past to talk about are things that include him. I told my husband things about my ex it wasn’t to talk about ex, it was I spent 8 years with him (from teen into young adult) so most things relevant to my adult life included him.
Part of it is, many of her life experiences were shared with him. For instance I lived in Florida for awhile married to someone else besides my current husband. If there’s like a fishing tournament near the river we lived near or a hurricane going through that area, am I supposed to not relate the experiences? Should I keep to myself how it rained daily? The wild beauty of the state? Of course things come up! Share with your girl lots of new experiences with you and she will have new things to talk about. Whats going to hurt things is letting your insecurities make you jealous!
Been with my girl for years and we pretty much never talk about exes. Maybe 3-4 times in 5 years, always in a serious context when we’re working through a problem that stems from a past relationship. Even in those scenarios it was avoidable and probably could’ve been handled without getting into specific relationship stuff.
So yeah, major red flag. In a healthy relationship, you’re not constantly thinking about past ones. Also she should have the consideration for you not to constantly compare you to somebody else, to your face. Even if she’s thinking about it, that’s an “inside thought” and it’s inconsiderate of your feelings to bring it up with any regularity.
Yes. Never talk about ex’s. You’re not good enough as him in her eyes.
I did this when I was young, but after a few weeks the girl I was dating called me out on it. I had no idea why I was doing it and stopped, I really was over her but I guess just processing moving on.
So it could be nothing like it was for me, but possibly also a major red flag. No real in between imo
“hey, i care about you a lot and i like our relationship. youre great and i love spending time with you and building what we’re building. but something that bothers me is how much you bring up your ex. it makes me feel uncomfortable because of the actual frequency, and i feel like id like to get to know YOU more and less of them. is there a reason you bring them up so often? what, if anything, can i do to help?
like i said, i really enjoy our relationship, but i dont like being this uncomfortable all the time.”
or something like that.
Feels like gf is trolling for info. I had a situation like this and she was insecure. Any mention of my ex wife was fodder for an argument. Buh bye
I would be bored by it. It sounds like a person who doesn’t have enough sense of self to just say I’ve been someplace instead of having to reference someone else. Just curious, does she always have a boyfriend, never any downtime?
You know, sometimes they may not realize it. It was part of her life, especially if it were a long time. I had a friend that frequently brought up her husband who’d passed to her new boyfriend. She finally realized it and asked if she brought him up too often. She discussed it with her new boyfriend. After that, she made a conscious effort to not bring him up. Have you discussed it with her? Tell her your feelings.
Have you communicated your boundaries with her about this topic.
Does it make you feel insecure that she brings it up or is the insecurity that she may still harbor feelings for her ex and has unresolved attachment issues?
I don’t think it’s a red flag until you tell her how you feel when she brings up her ex and then she doesn’t respect your boundaries on the issue.
Yup. Sounds like she doesn’t have thoughts of her own, or a life outside of the one she has with a significant other. Doesn’t mean she’s cheating, but it does mean she thinks about him, and any reason for that is not a good one. End it.
Huge red flag