As the title suggests, I broke up with my bf over his misogynistic friend (30M)
Me and my bf are in a LDR, we’re together for 8 months now – we met irl a month ago and it was amazing. However there is one issue. His friend.
For context, his friend is 30 years old, has not worked a single day in his life, did not finish school, lives with his mummy and daddy, goons over anime characters and plays gacha games all day. He’s known him for about 15 years. He hates ALL women since his mother and sister are despicable people. He always bashes women and never has anything nice to say about them.
Before my bf came over last month, we had a few big arguments – mainly because of his ex gfs, but also other stuff. Which is irrelevant now. My bf of course told his friends about our argument. At one point I even accused him of cheating because he acted super suspicious (wanted to delete his social media accounts and make new ones, called me his ex gfs name and lied about not knowing a girl with that name). His friend said I am extremely toxic and that it’s not fair that I accuse him. True. BUT heres the double standards: my boyfriend has a history with women cheating on him. SO DO I. My bf accused me of cheating about 40 times when we first started dating. I proved to him times and times again that I am not cheating. He eventually stopped. But everytime my bf said that “i was cheating” his friend said that I should show him proof because “he’s traumatized and needs reassurance”, and that “its only fair and the least I could do for him”. However, if I do that one time, I am automatically toxic and he’s better off without me. Ok, yeah.
Not only did he say that, no he also said that I am destroying my bf’s life. And that he would be better off without me. Now i don’t know about you, but to me that is actively trying to break us up.
When my bf came over to my place for a week, his friend told him he’s “destroying his own life by being with me”, and he didn’t talk to him at all while he was at my place, his friend just ghosted and ignored him. The moment he came home though, his friend talked to him as usual.
Of course that bothered me, and I brought it up with my bf. He told me not to worry about it, so I didn’t.
I have to mention that, when I met my bf’s friend, I have been nothing but nice and kind to him and his other friends. I even encouraged my bf to be more understanding and patient with them when they talk about their problems to him.
However, I just don’t feel comfortable knowing my bf is talking to this guy who is actively trying to sabotage our relationship. I told my boyfriend about this again, and he said it’s irrelevant because it’s in the past. No, its not to me. I feel extremely disrespected and stripped of my dignity, considering my bf didn’t even defend me when his friend said that. I told him how I feel yet he keeps defending his friend saying that I’m “too emotional”, “I’m overreacting”, and that I need to take a breather.
Mind you I had two major mental breakdowns over this, because he refuses to see my side. He just keeps defending his pathetic friend, saying he’d never take his advice anyways, but when theres a little devil sitting on your shoulders 24/7 telling you to break up with your partner you will eventually listen to it.
I told him that i want an apology from his friend for saying that. His friend refuses to apologise to me and says he did nothing wrong. My bf says he can’t force him to apologise, and that technically it is his opinion. Its not an opinion to tell your friend to break up wtf. His friend is even too scared to talk to me about this, I wanted to confront him but he dodges every attempt to talk it out.
I told my boyfriend that I don’t feel comfortable in a relationship at all where his friend is misognyistic and portrays me as a bad person because of arguments. He does not even know me well.
My bf says that it’s ridiculous and pathetic that I’m “throwing away our relationship” over something so “irrelevant”. And that this relationship never meant anything to me, even though he is the love of my life and I truly love him. I just can’t stay knowing his friend is sabotaging us. It truly hurts my mental considering it’s not good anyways. The past few days I’ve had horrible thoughts.
All I wanted was an apology. I can’t even get something like this after everything his friend said.
Was it a mistake to break up with my bf over this? Does anyone understand where I’m coming from?
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maybe an unpopular opinion but i think people become like their friends. so no, not overreacting.
The type of friends or company someone keeps says a LOT about them. You dodged a bullet before being sucked into some misogynistic bullshit. It also sounds like you and your BF were not a good match, so I think this is probably a good thing for everyone involved. It sounds like the friend is miserable and lonely, but trying to take BF down with him. Definitely not a mistake to break up.
For perspective- I’m a 42m
By the time I read the paragraph about all the cheating accusations I felt like I didn’t need to read any more. This sounds awful, full of drama, and rightful distrust. There’s probably a lot more you could add/detail that would make it seem like it’s beating a dead horse.
Frankly, you can take his friend out of the picture and I would still feel the exact same way.
Edit: I continued reading and I’m not a doctor specializing in coprology but I’m confident that your ex is a big turd.
Breaking up was the right thing to do. This way way too much drama. Its a LDR, and he is 27 and acting like a child. You can do much better.
It’s not an overreacting in the least bit…. people generally are who their friends freely act like or pick up thier habits as they become more normalized.
NOPE!! My ex of 5 years was BEST FRIENDS with the most misogynistic and racist dude i had ever had the displeasure of meeting. I was young and naive, so I didn’t do anything about it until his friend threatened to hit me and he did nothing. Don’t be like me. FREE YOURSELF.
I think you did well in breaking up with your boyfriend, but not only because of his friends. Your boyfriend has his own red flags: he called you “too emotional” (since when it’s a bad thing to have emotions? men that tell women that they are “too emotional” are trying to gaslight us instead of having a serious and mature conversation about the issues) and he called you the name of his ex, he tries to get you to “prove” that you didn’t cheat (how can you even do that?) and your boyfriend doesn’t defend your character. Yeah, you’re better off without him.
Why date someone who thinks hateful misogyny is acceptable?
You intermittently refer to your ex and bf so I don’t think it matters what I say, a part of you still think of him as your bf and I’m sure you will get back together, break up and get back together in future. You are not over this relationship as you don’t see him as the problem but his friend. Until you realize he is the problem, you won’t be able to move on.
>there is one issue. His friend
Girl that’s not the issue
>My bf accused me of cheating about 49 times when we first started dating
There’s the real issue.
You did the right thing breaking up with him.
This relationship is bad.
Not overreacting at all. One of my principles is that we are who we frequent and befriend. I do not permit bigots in my space because I am not a bigot myself.
I would 100% leave a man who has misogynistic friends because it says as much about him as it does about the people he chooses to be around. Especially when they defend them. Your bf is as much misogynistic as his friend so you are perfectly entitled not to welcome wolves in your sheep barn.
No girl, you didn’t make a mistake!
You’re brave in stood up for yourself. now stick to that, own it, and tell that that guy to go to hell.
He couldn’t put it together that you don’t want misogynistic assholes in your life because of him? Then he’s too stupid to be with you.
NTA, and quit questioning yourself. Trust your gut way more than you are doing.
…Why were you with this guy? He clearly doesn’t like you. You can do better.
Wow. This sounds like a toxic and miserable relationship. Find someone to date in your area, without all the drama, and maybe think about therapy…
Imo your are the company you keep. I do judge people by their friend group, because if you keep yourself surrounded by assholes, chances are you’re an asshole yourself.
I wouldn’t even say to him it’s me or the friend, I’d just leave because I’m not being with someone who allows their “friend” to disrespect me like that tbh.
NTA/NOR.
The people we choose to associate with says a lot about ourselves.
The fact that your now-ex hasn’t checked his buddy’s attitude and continues to be friends with such a toxic, bigoted and overall disgusting excuse for a human says a lot about your ex.
We tend not to surround ourselves with behaviour we find intolerable or unacceptable. Therefore your ex finds his friend’s behaviour acceptable and tolerable.
How long until the friend’s toxic red-pill attitude rubs off on your ex?
You dodged a dumpster fire.
I read the bit about the cheating accusations and gave up. Y’all are both toxic for each other and it has nothing to do with his friend.
It took 7 months to meet up, you’ve been dating for 8 months, you can’t stop accusing each other of cheating. Maybe you both need to focus on YOURSELVES.
For example, someone cheating on you isn’t your fault BUT you should ask yourself why you choose the same type of people. Then when you find someone that isn’t cheating you use your past partners as a reason to accuse the current partner of something they aren’t doing.
Insecurity is a relationship killer. We all have them, but we HAVE to work on them for ourselves. We can’t expect another relationship to fix what someone else broke.
The friend sounds horrible and your bf is clearly being influenced by him. But if anyone demanded that I prove I am not cheating over and over and over again, it means he will never trust. That’s insulting and you don’t need to put up with it. Tell him you can’t tolerate his constant badgering and suspicion when you have never cheated, so you think you’ll be happier without him. Then do it.
You are not overreacting.
Your fights should generally be kept private, and your partner should never let their friends speak badly of you.
If he was also 22 I would call this normal immaturity he may grow out of. But these are 27 and 30 year old men.
If he is enjoying friends that are like that it’s cause he wants to be like them.
Move on, he’s wasting your time. That’s a real clear red flag.
You followed your instincts and they are correct. Your BF has known his buddy longer and probably feels sorry for him, so he puts his loyalty with the friend. This really isn’t about you at all, its about your BF choosing his friend every time. I will guarantee your BF probably talks trash about women with his friend. Sadly, his friend is a small jealous man but in the end, he wins his friend. So, let them be together. Let them continue to choose each other for whatever reason and you go find a good guy, that is local to you, and create a great life.
I’m a big believer in “you are the company you keep.” This relationship sounds exhausting. The fact that OP had to continually prove she wasn’t cheating is enough for me. Do yourself a favor, OP, and leave this guy.
Na he is way too old to be acting like that, leave him.
What in the high school drama did I just read? In all seriousness, go work on yourself no matter what that looks like. This isn’t a healthy relationship and the two of you are just not good together.
So here’s my two cents –
You made the right choice in breaking up with him. The fact that he didn’t defend you when his friend spoke ill of you is all you really need to know that your ex is not a good partner.
You frame the issue as being the friend, when really, it’s a boyfriend issue in that he continues to engage with this friend. This means that he does not consider misogyny to be a dealbreaker. Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me – I won’t be with somebody who tolerates the idea that I don’t deserve human dignity and rights.
You say “of course he told his friend about our argument” like it’s a normal thing, but I personally don’t believe in airing dirty laundry in public. If it’s an issue that you’re really struggling with and need an outside perspective on, then I get confiding in a trusted friend, but otherwise all you do is make your partner seem bad to your friend, especially if you only tell them about arguments, and not about the good things. I want my friends to like my partner. Obviously they’re not going to if I’m always going off about arguments we’re having.
The other issue is that he should know that this particular friend hates women, and therefore it shouldn’t be a surprise what advice this friend would give. So what was the point of asking for his perspective if not to hear someone badmouth you so he feels justified that he’s in the right?
Lastly – I don’t bother with asking for apologies. If it’s not freely and voluntarily given, then it’s not genuine and therefore meaningless. He’s not sorry, those are his beliefs, what’s an apology going to do for you? All it will do is make him more bitter and resentful of you. Pointless. Just move on.
People who you keep around usually tells a lot about you. I would say your only mistake was not breaking up earlier.