( sorry my English is not good, I don’t live in the US and English is not my first language )
I was making dinner with my girlfriend and I touched her butt in accident when I was walking by her. She got really scared and I asked her what was wrong and that I was sorry that made her uncomfortable. She told me that when she was younger her dad used to touch her, and when she told him to stop he wouldn’t. She also told me that he would do weird things to her, like wink and smile when he was eating something that was white and creamy, like whipped cream, and that it would just get worse when she got older. I was immediately pissed off at her dad and it made sense that even though we’ve been together for almost 3 years I have only met her mom, not her dad. I told her that I think that she was being groomed when she was a kid.
She got really mad at me and told me that he was just joking, and that she was just being sensitive, and I told her that what her dad did was creepy, and that we should tell someone that this happened. After I told her this she went upstairs and told me that I was being ridiculous and that she was going to bed early.
Was it bad that I said this? I’m pretty sure that she was groomed into thinking that when he was do things to her that it was a game, and that whenever she said no and to stop touching her she was just told that she was being sensitive and overreacting. I want to talk to her about this but for the past few days she’s been really quiet and whenever I do try she just says it’s not important and that I should just drop it. I’m getting worried and not sure what I should do.
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Sometimes abuse is hidden, even from the victims. They’re convinced they’re overreacting. Until she’s ready to accept that her father’s behavior wasn’t normal, this isn’t something you can push.
You can’t force her to realize what he did was unacceptable but she’s clearly traumatized by it. Just give her time and space to process. Don’t back down on your opinion, but you don’t need to hound her to accept it, either. It could be years before she sees what you do, if she ever does.
No, you did the right thing.
Your girlfriends reaction is a cornerstone of grooming. She was taught what happened wasn’t a big deal and she should just accept it. That way the grooming doesn’t get reported.
It’s going to be really hard but you need to make sure you don’t push her too much. The fact that she brought this up to you might mean shes taking some steps out of denial and towards accepting what actually happened.
I would encourage her to either talk to a trusted adult or a mentor outside the family circle, a professional or even do some research on internet to see if the type of things her dad did are part of normal interactions between a parent and a child (or any adult or a child).
She most likely won’t go for it right away. Focus on telling her that she wasn’t too sensitive for being freaked out about this behaviour and that even if she was, her boundaries matter and should have been respected.
It sounds like you’re right, but she had not realized it yet. It can be very hard to recognize the truth of being abused by your parents.
Your mind will convince you of almost anything else because you don’t want to believe they are bad people. You saw this first hand. Your girlfriend has a PHYSICAL TRAUMA RESPONSE to being sexually abused by her dad, but in her mind, she’s convinced herself that her dad was joking and – this is the saddest part to me – it’s HER fault for being too sensitive. She doesn’t want to face that her dad is evil and her mom is almost as bad for not protecting her.
Honestly you can do everything right from here on out and your relationship still might not make it, just because it’s hard to uncover a trauma.
My advice –
Tell her ONCE that you’re sorry you upset her, you won’t bring it up again, but if she ever wants to talk about it or talk to a professional about it (therapy etc) you support that and you are there for her.
She may ignore it for another five years and then start to read books or find some YouTube videos. She may ignore it for the rest of her life. She may try to resolve it right now and succeed; she may try to resolve it right now and act out and create drama and lose her job and spiral into addiction, which was my personal path. You know, it’s different for everyone. 😊
But yeah, it’s exactly what you think it is, it’s very bad, and mostly likely your GF will have a painful reckoning with it at some point in her life.
What you said isn’t wrong or bad. Her body knows that, too, based on her physical response to your touching her butt, and most likely is why she doesn’t see him. That said, it may be very hard for her to realize/accept – especially since it was from her dad. I’d suggest giving her the time to process and just be there to support her when she’s ready. You’ve done nothing wrong, OP.
I don’t think you were wrong to point it out to her, but her reaction isn’t abnormal. Imagine how you would feel if someone told you that what your father passed off as “just playing” and you “being sensitive” was actually him molesting her. Because I’m sorry, if he was physically touching her in any way, he was assaulting her.