Like, i have a boyfriend and i love him but engaging in anything sexual with him, i hate it so much and he respects it, but i still feel terrible.
Edit: i have read all of your responses, thank you so mucb for the support and I’ll definitely look into your suggestions! šš«¶
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Thats just who you are and you are young, your feelings towards it can change. Life is still new for you, there are other things to worry about and focus your energy on. Just live in the moment and those feelings will come naturally when they are ready.
Some people just don’t get into it, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it is important that someone who feels that way about sex should find someone who also feels the same way about it, for compatibility. Or, someone who accepts it, like it appears you have found.
OP, give yourself some time. You are very young. Some background info would help. You donāt mention how old your boyfriend is or how much experience you both have had. How long have you been together? Would it be correct to feel that you do not live together? Did you have previous experiences or traumas that were challenging?
Sexual feelings and preferences exist on a huge spectrum, and it’s completely normal to not feel pleasure or interest in sex, even if most people around you seem to. A lot of people identify as asexual or on the ace spectrum (where you don’t feel sexual attraction or interest, or only feel it sometimes), and that’s just as valid as any other way of being.
It’s also totally understandable to feel weird or guilty about it, especially when thereās pressure from society or in relationships to think or behave a certain way. But your feelings, comfort and boundaries matter most.
You don’t need to rush yourself or label yourself right away. Sometimes interest in sex changes over time, and sometimes it doesn’t. Both are okay! If you ever want to explore your feelings more, it might help to look up resources on asexuality or talk with others who’ve had similar experiences… r/asexuality is a supportive place for that.
The way you’re wired is not a flaw. You’re enough, just as you are. And things often make a lot more sense with a little time and self-compassion.
Just wait it out, maybe itāll change, but as someone whoās come to regret it, participating in sexual things that young isnāt great. For the mind or body, and if we want get a little religious, soul. Just wait for marriage.. like seriously thereās sooo much wisdom in it youāll probably feel better doing then. And thatās probably why youāre not feeling great about it now. Get married. Iām young myself Iām not old. 20y. Donāt let it beat you up. Regardless if itās just not feeling good, or disgust, or whatever about doing sexual deed. Age will most likely fix it.. but also marriage. If you love him and can trust yourself to him. Why not marry him. If you canāt then.. why are you doing sexual deeds with this man?
Your choice in all of this ofc, I donāt know him, after all heās probably really good person, and all. But if you canāt see a future with him.. why are you giving him the keys to a very important thing. And same to him if he canāt see a future with you why is he doing things with you. But nonetheless, marriage. Is the end goal a relationship. What is yours? Can you see it? Or is it situationship nonsense? Just think about it. Iām just a guy on the internet donāt get butt hurt just think. Love ya as neighbor hope it goes well.
Thatās how I am too, Iāve had intercourse but it feels like I have to force myself to do that.
Is it emotional or physical? Asking because I, 28F, was the same way for most of my (sexual) life. I found out last year I had a dermoid cyst on my ovary and it messed up all sorts of hormones and made sex painful sometimes. Made me have absolutely no drive, no interestā¦ but had it removed when I got my tubal removal done. Been normal since.
I’m with you here, OP. I’m not a huge fan of labels, but I consider myself Asexual.
Though you’re still pretty young, I’m 23F, and I’ve always felt like something was wrong. But I think that’s mainly because I feel like since I’m young, I’m EXPECTED to want intimacy. Love yourself no matter what.
Though, if you want to change this or want to look into it more. You can always see a sex therapist or any therapy for that matter. Stress reduction, physical activity, and diet contribute a lot to libido. Up to you!
Best of luck!
On any SSRIs? How much social media time do you engage in?
Go see a doctor!
Watching loads of porn does that as well.
Itās possible that youāre simply not compatible: physical and sexual incompatibility isnāt unusual. It simply means you need to find someone youāre actually sexually attracted to. Donāt make the mistake of āhe likes me so therefore I have to like himā attitude. That way lies disaster for both of you.
If, after experimenting, you find that youāre still not sexually attracted to anyone- you may well be asexual. Keep an open mind and observe yourself: does anything turn you on? If so what? Explore that. Best of luck
It could be a lot of things – big question is, by “lack pleasure” do you mean the sex is painful/uncomfortable, or just you feel nothing? maybe an awkward sensation? outside of sex are you able to enjoy yourself? do you ever get turned on/excited or do you feel muted/no sexual desires?
Could really be that your BF sucks and is doing everything wrong, If you masterbate – do you enjoy it, or is it similarly uncomfortable/gross/no pleasure? if you’re able to enjoy it by yourself, then a conversation should be had to help your BF see how best to please you
There could be mental blocks, it is VERY easy to be psyched out of sex, and having any stresses etc. can ruin it, a single bad experience can cause a psychic block, I.e I had a friend who experienced “whisky dick” with his girlfriend (too drunk to get hard) and it caused him to spiral and was unable to perform during sex for 3ish months until I got him to experience ego death, it could easily be an awkward first experience, caused a mental block to ruin it.
If either of these ^, by yourself, in a low stress situation (in a relaxing shower, etc.) just try different ways to play with yourself, if you find zero pleasure/enjoyment, read on
You can have a physical health issue, women have numerous issues that can make sex difficult, painful, or uncomfortable, some can be solved with medication, others cannot, speak to your Gyno
If various attempts at finding sex enjoyable failed, it could be you are just Asexual, and find no pleasure in sex, if you find yourself never turned on/excited, or having zero sexual thoughts/dreams, etc. you are most likely Ace.
I think that in order to give good advice on this, more context is needed.
Are you sexually attracted to your boyfriend? Do you have the feeling like you want to do sexual stuff with him, or does it just feel like a duty/chore that you have to do?
Do you feel safe with him?
I know that you said that you love him, but do you feel loved by him?
When you are intimate with him, does he do things that you want and enjoy, or does he only do things that he enjoys?
What do you hate about it? Is it something physical or not? Does it feel uncomfortable or painful to engage in sexual activity? Do you feel nervous, anxious, stressed, etc. when engaging in sexual activity?
Have you grown up in a very sex-negative environment? Lots of people get these lingering terrible feelings when they do sexual stuff if they grew up in a sex-negative environment, especially a religious one. I’ve even seen accounts of people who do everything “the right way” according to their religion, i.e. wait until marriage before having sex, and still have that disgusting feeling.
What you are experiencing could be any number of things until you isolate the correct one. Maybe you don’t have sexual feelings for your boyfriend, maybe you don’t have sexual feelings at all. Maybe the kinds of things you are doing while being intimate are not the things you enjoy. Maybe your own mental barriers are blocking you from being able to enjoy it, including maybe having had unpleasant, painful, or even traumatic experiences in the past.
Congratulations! You figured out sex isnāt THAT big a deal and that asexuality is an option š thereās many like you so if your bf starts feeling uncomfortable you can always let him go and find yourself someone who thinks and feels like you do! āŗļø
Thereās absolutely nothing wrong with you. Youāre just not going to waste as much of your youth thinking about sex and more time thinking about yourself, who you are and who you want to be and what you want to do with your life!! ā„ļøš« embrace it!
Same I had to force myself to do sexting with my boyfriend later i found I am demisexual
Time. You may not be psychologically ready. However, there is no shame in seeking professional advice from someone.
Nope.
It could be that you’re not compatible.
It could be that you’re very compatible, but just not physically.
It could be that you’re not compatible with sex as a whole.
Or many other things. Point is, why you don’t like it is a lot more important to figure out than if you like it. You might just be one of the many types of asexual, and that’s fine too.
Some people are not sexual until they are older. Nothing wrong with that. Usually it just means you really arenāt ready for it.
Don’t feel terrible. If you got a dude that respects and understands it, then he is a keeper!! Your time will come, and if not. Make sure you have a partner who respects that.
Youāre not broken at all. Some people are just asexual or on that spectrum, and thatās completely valid. The fact that your boyfriend respects your boundaries is a good sign, and you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin, always.
I truly donāt think thereās anything wrong with you. I wasnāt very sexual at that age either. it wasnāt until my 30s that I started to explore that side of myself more.
You’re most likely A sexual.
Have you considered a therapist or a sex therapist?