I(18f) try my best to be calm and patient. I am also, by definition, feminine. I always get long box braids. I wear so much jewelry, you can hear me before you see me. I wear bell bottoms that hug my thighs, and i also wear light makeup. I also wear chunky sweaters, earth tones, and headscarves. I get compliments from women of all ages.
Yet, this isn’t “girly” enough for my mom. She used to beg me to wear heavy makeup and dress revealingly and wear bright colors. Whenever she’d see a girly girl, she’d be like “Ah, I love when girls dress like that!”
My breaking point was at church. My friend was in high heels and a dress, and my mom said “Aw, look at her! She’s dressed so nicely! You should dress like her.”
My cranky ass said, “Well, I dress nicely too. My outfits are just fine.” And I got lectured for having an attitude.
Was this mean of me? I know she just wants me to be look good, but I already do. I feel like I’m in drag when I wear stereotypically girly stuff. Confidence is the best accessory, and I feel my best in my hippy outfits. Is that such a crime?!
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no, feeling annoyed at that is normal. you’re not a barbie doll for someone to play dress up on
Nah that’s fine your mom sounds overbearing. You do you
Cringe AF that your mom would WANT you to be more revealing, which my definition brings guys (and perhaps some women) oogling. Why tf would she want that?
My mom would tell me she loved when I wore pink because it complimented my skin and I look beautiful. Me the tom boy said ok and never wore pink again til an adult.
I totally get why you snapped. Your style is already cute, and it’s frustrating when people don’t see that. You’re not wrong for feeling good in what you wear, it’s your vibe, and you shouldn’t have to change it for anyone.
Your mother sounds like she needs a lesson is self awareness.
Mom, unsolicited advice is perceived by the nervous system and brain as criticism. Your unwanted, just trying to help comments are creating a wedge between us. I need you to respect my choices for my body and if you can’t, then please know I will be limiting my time with you. I want to enjoy being with you, not dread it because you don’t take a moment to consider my feelings.
You are valid in your feelings, they aren’t her responsibility…no…but if she chooses to intentionally hurt you…and once we say this is hurtful and they continue the behaviour it tells us they don’t respect us.
The only people upset by our boundaries are the ones who benefited the most from us not having any. It sounds like your mom has very little self confidence and is projecting that into you.
It’s really concerning & it feels like she’s trying to get you to meet some standard of hers that she may feel like she didn’t meet.
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My god how strict is your mom if that’s considered an attitude? She needs to relax. When I was a teenager I was wearing ripped jeans, flannel shirts, no makeup, and doc martins or chuck taylors. My mom wanted me to be more feminine too. She lost that fight. I am 50, purple hair, still no makeup, but my clothes are nicer. I work at a corporate job, married, etc.
Dress and style yourself the way you want to. Learn to let her comments roll off of you like water. That’s gonna be a valuable life skill anyway. It’s not the easiest thing to do, I know. “I’ll take it under consideration/I’ll consider it/I’ll think about it/I’ll look into it” are good responses to advice you don’t care to follow.
She can control her life. She can’t control yours. You go do your own thing.
If your mom prefers that women dress girly, she is free to dress girly.
She is not free to demand another adult dress girly. That’s a control issue.
My mother was a bit like yours. But as soon as I turned 18 (like you), I told her that she will not have any say in what I wear. She just dealt with it.
r/AITAH
Yikes, when are you going to live for yourself? Do you think she will just let you, one day? What is the plan. 🤔🤷♀️✨
Your mom nagging you about your appearance is so f’d up. She is sending such a terrible message. Telling you you’re not feminine is so so wrong. Is she trying to get you hooked up with a rich man? Still wrong. It sounds like you’re comfortable in your own skin. She should be thrilled for your happiness no matter what it looks like. Agree with her and then do what you want.
You are an adult. If she thinks a stupid, floofy skirt and death traps on your feet are cute, *she* should wear them. She had the attitude first, because her comments are passive-aggressively made with a value judgement about your own choices. You responded like for like.
The most feminine thing I do is wear nail polish. I only keep earrings in so the holes I got when I was three don’t close, because that was a traumatic experience involving being pinned to a couch, and I am not interested in repeating it if I ever decide to wear something fancier than a pair of tiny pearl studs. I stopped tolerating dresses before I hit puberty, as soon as I was too big for my mom to wrestle me into one.
If you’re thinking that freedom of expression is a crime, then think again. It’s so opposite to a crime it’s like comparing a tea light candle to a fire in a petrol tanker. There’s just an absolute world of difference. Also, you’re 18 which means by the laws of some countries you are classified as a legal adult which means That you are old enough to make your own decisions. Your mum trying to stop you from doing that and stop you from expressing yourself is overprotective bordering on toxic. What I am trying to say is you are well within your right to do what you did and if she tries Anything like that again just tell her no and don’t let her lecture you. Just to be clear, I’m not implying anything by saying what I’ve just said, I’m just stating facts. I just thought I’d say that for the record, you know, to make sure I don’t imply anything by accident. When I’ve done that before, it was so embarrassing my face must’ve looked like a flaming tomato lol.
Not at all. Until I (52f) was a freshman in high-school I tried to keep up with the “girly” trends when it came to fashion. Then I found out that I enjoyed a more “rugged” look, loose fitting jeans and flannel over rock band tshirts, then I did the double denim thing (yes, I’m that old). I started picking out my own clothes with my friends because it drove my mom nuts to go shopping with me. My parents and grandparents always got me pretty girly clothes, but I never wore it except for formal occasions. I was always a tom-girl and preferred comfort over trends and I still do. I think finding your own fashion style should be a reflection of who you are inside and not what others think you should be. You can still look perfectly attractive and feel comfortable and not have to give in to social stereotypes
If anything you were VERY restrained
I don’t think i’d manage to be that nice
some parents think of their kids as dolls rather than their own person with thoughts, feelings… and personal style. i can visualize your style perfectly based on your description and i know it EATS on the daily. your mom probably had an idea of how her daughter would be dressing at 18 and since you aren’t, she thinks it’s wrong/not girly enough. keep doing your own thing and don’t let her get you down about how you dress!
I think you and your mom need to have a heart to heart. Try to see through her point of view.
Deep down, she still probably sees you as her little girl and cultivated that image by dressing you a certain way as a child. As you have grown older and more independent, she is loosing that image of how she wanted you to be, and that could include dreams of happinessand future security. She is losing her little girl. That can be a difficult to accept.
Do you think you could find a compromise with her?
Honestly you should stand up more, tell her to knock it off and that you are done with her comparing you to others and done being disrespected and done having your own personal choices questioned and criticized
You’re 18, so you can wear what you want. As someone who rarely wears make up and hasn’t for years, wearing make up is feminine/girly to me. Wear what makes you comfortable. If you don’t feel comfortable in what you are wearing, it doesn’t work.
In church? Granted I am not a Christian but I think God would prefer someone dressed more modestly if my understanding is correct.
Absolutely not! You have the right to express yourself in whatever way you see fit. Never stop sticking up for yourself.
NTA. I recommend r/raisedbynarcissists