This post is going to be about someone with autism. If you cannot be at least a little bit kind it is probably best to just stop reading now. If you decide not to be kind that is ok (I am not perfect either) and I will still happily read and respond to whatever you write. Just know I get nothing (no enjoyment, no hatred and no emotions) over cruel responses. I find it best just to give everyone the benefit of the doubt 🙂
One aspect of being autistic is the realization that you are probably always going to be a little bit different. Never quite going to fit in the same way. Being autistic on some level means that you will not be the perfect social person. In some way you will probably have a failing or a fault (not that we all don’t it can just be a tad more obvious for someone with autism).
We seemed to have turned dating into some sort of quest where people try to improve themselves to be more appealing to a potential mate. Part of my autism is that I have no interest in competition. I guess I can just leave it at that.
People seem to love to tell other people what to do to get a romantic partner. Get fitter, get a better job, have a nicer house, live alone, have this degree, have this many friends, well you get the idea. I think part of learning how to handle my autism is an acceptance that I am not a perfect person. I am never going to be neurotypical and have a normal life.
That is all fine. I like who I am, and I know what I offer. I know what kind of person might work with me.
When I was younger and living a more traditional life, I always felt I needed to offer more to get a girlfriend. I needed to be taller, I needed to have the right friends, I needed to not wear glasses, I needed to play a sport, I needed to have any number of a hundred things in my life. I think I always let that hold me back since I never felt good enough.
Guess what, since I never felt good enough to be in a relationship I never got into a relationship.
I think with my autism diagnosis I want to work hard to accept myself for who I am. Not feel I constantly have to improve or change things in order to get into a relationship.
So, I admit, I am not perfect. I am very very flawed. I am certainly not everyone’s cup of tea and I a certainly an acquired taste. I think I can live with all that though 🙂
I think I can offer and bring things to a relationship that very few other people can bring, and I believe that is where my confidence comes from 🙂
So, I have just noticed how negative reddit seems to be towards people who take this stance. That they are good enough as they are. Do people think it is really bad to tell the world you are flawed and you are just waiting for the right person?
To me it seems like the most honest answer and something no one should look down on.
Thank you so very much 🙂
Comments
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Hi love! Everyone is flawed! I have ADHD but am not autistic. My husband is both on the spectrum and has ADHD + PTSD. When I met him, I knew he was going to suck at some things. Time management, gentleness in his communication at times, spacing out and generally being in his own world.
At the end of the day, he isn’t trying to change himself nor am I. We are merely willing to continuously commit to improving ourselves and growing individually and as a couple.
You don’t NEED anything but to feel comfortable and secure in what you know you can offer a partner that is valuable (loving them unconditionally despite their own flaws, a sense of structure, whatever it is). Being committed to someone and loving them goes a long way with someone who sees your inherent value.
Take care 🫶
Also you say that you give everyone the benefit of the doubt. Why not give people the benefit of the doubt that they’re trying to help you out since what you’re doing isn’t working since you chronically post about how it’s not working.
I can’t prove it but part of me suspects you’re not 100% honest about your limitations.
I’m nerotypical (to the best of my knowledge) and I would suggest not listening to people fixated on telling others how to attract a partner. This is not a Ms. Universe pageant. There does not have to be any dynamic of competition or comparison. The right partner for you will respond well to your uniqueness.Â
As long as you are healthy or working on it (emotionally/mentally/physically – not talking about gym rat behaviour just noting if you have ailments that you are proactive about getting help for it).
I chose the route of being happy and setting myself up as a single person – not to catch any particular type of person’s attention. The right match came along organically. We had enough moral foundational beliefs that matched, enough physical attraction to take it outside of platonic friendship and it has worked out well for over a decade.
Maybe it’s just my ADHD w/ AuDHD/CPTSD partner talking, but this?
>People seem to love to tell other people what to do to get a romantic partner. Get fitter, get a better job, have a nicer house, live alone, have this degree, have this many friends, well you get the idea.
Is mostly the stuff that 20somethings who don’t actually know how to have a relationship tell each other.
I mean yes, learn how to take care of yourself and your career and environment to at least a standard that isn’t dangerous or offputting to others, that’s fair enough advice and it’s not anybody else’s responsibility. But the people who think being fit and having a nice house is how you get a relationship often show up to relationships thinking "I went to the gym and bought real estate and that is the sum total effort I will be making for the next 60 years, thank you very much."
Meanwhile, all us flawed people are out here having a much better time. We’re always working on the stuff that actually matters: communication, giving and taking support, building lives that accommodate our flaws together, being kind, optionally growing kids that are also kind and supportive, but those are really satisfying things to work on with someone who is also there to do that kind of work. I generally think it’s a good thing to actually like and get along with your partner, rather than partnering up with someone who wants the material things you have.
You OUGHT to be waiting for the right person. Maybe you should be more suspicious of anybody who thinks you shouldn’t do that? Maybe you need friends with different ambitions in life?
Neurodivergent or not, I highly recommend The Self Esteem Workbook (publisher is New Harbinger) for everybody, to help you build up a more confident identity. I have not yet found an Autism-specific book on relationship skills that I really like, but weirdly there’s a large body of relationship books titled specific to Asperger’s that I assume are a smidge dated because I didn’t even think we were still doing that diagnosis? Anyway I suspect that some of those books are really good and probably some of them are garbage, but it might be worth a synopsis/review skim to see if anything really catches your interest.
I’m autistic and married, most of my autistic guy friends are married too. Autism doesn’t mean you aren’t relationship material! I don’t think you need to “tell the world you are flawed.” Just say you were a late bloomer and weren’t ready to date before, added bonus it’s probably true.
I don’t think it’s ever bad to admit to being your true self.
Everyone is flawed. All humans. Your future partner(s) will be flawed. You seem to have a lot of self awareness, which is a great thing to have that not everyone has. You are worthwhile. You deserve to have reciprocal love. And I hope you find it.