I am 18 and going to college soon as well as dorming. I’ve never done drugs or smoking or frankly, anything at all. All my friends are trusted, I barely talk to boys and I really just hangout here and there. I have a job. I drive. I stay after school for clubs. Most of the time I’m home. I recently just got my license and I’m saving up for a car. I feel I’m helpful around the house enough and do my share, though my parents are never happy with it.
I’m currently at a small party for my friend’s birthday, and my Dad says coming home by 9 is too late. I called him up and said another friend of mine whom they know of and trust, can drop me off instead around 10. He says I can’t stay out this long. We’re even on Spring Break right now, no school all week. Our family has been up until 1-2 am regularly. There is no difference in me staying up at home and staying up at my friend’s home….until 10. I actually set the curfew of 10 for myself too, I’m home by 10 even if they’d want me to stay later. Seriously, nobody else I know has this problem. It just feels so strange to feel this anxious over something that I feel shouldn’t be a problem. Is this unfair or am I being unreasonable? How do I talk to them about it otherwise?
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As an adult who is likely around your parents’ age, I can say that your parents do sound like they’re having difficulty transitioning from the “you’re a teenager” mindset to the “you’re an adult” mindset. I personally don’t think that level of control is fair at your age, and legally speaking, they have no right whatsoever to dictate when you come and go, but whether or not it’s fair is besides the point. As long as you live in their house, or they financially support you, they will have the ability to control some aspects of your life, because they control your resources. But you’re leaving for college soon, where they will have no ability to tell you when you need to be back, and then you’ll have a job, and soon, parental curfews will be a distant memory. Only a little bit longer, now.
If it gets to it, say you’ll learn the lesson the hard way. They should definitely be more trusting imo. I’m a father of 3. I can suggest and they can ignore, but they’re good kids and I know it. I could go further but I won’t disparage.
I do think a 9 pm curfew is very early for an 18 year old. Did your parents give a reason? I think your suggestion of 10 pm is reasonable, especially since you’ll be going off to college soon and “supervising” yourself.
Six months from now, they’ll have no idea what you’re doing at 9 pm or 2 am. Their trust in you now should help you determine your trust in them then.
You act like you don’t know your parents. You’ve lived with them for 18 years, this shouldn’t be some kind of surprise.
You also don’t seem to participate in your posts so I suspect this is not a genuine post.
You talk to them about it by stating that you would like to have an honest discussion in an adult way. Not child/adult as you are all used to. You’re 18. I had this same issue when I was your age. I was doing absolutely nothing wrong while I was out. Nothing. I just wanted to be out with my friends who were allowed to stay out later. My parents just couldn’t see it like that. They were only concerned with curfew. A minute after 9 and I was grounded. I was a good kid, they just had a few before me who gave them hard time. 9 is early. But I’m a parent now and I get it. They only want you to be safe and to come home to them each night. Plus, they know you’ll be leaving soon enough, starting your own life. Be sure to have that understanding, it’s hard on parents.
While the parents’ approach may seem somewhat strict, it’s important to prioritize a strong and respectful relationship with those who likely care for you more than anyone else. With that in mind, I would suggest expressing your thoughts on the matter in a respectful and open manner. Let them know that you value their perspective and are willing to abide by their decisions, as it is ultimately their home and their rules. In the worst-case scenario, they choose to maintain their stance—and in time, you’ll have the independence to make your own choices.
The job of parents is to prepare our children to live on their own and not need us.
One of the hardest parts of that job is admitting victory. Tell your parents that if you have a calm opportunity to talk this out with them.
Working this out with parents is not made easier because we parents are usually wrapped-around-the-axle anxious when it comes up. That’s when our baby girl (yeah you’re still our baby girl and will be forever) stays out late at a party where the Ramones are playing “Sex and Drugs and Rock and Roll”. (Or whatever, you get the idea.)
If you can possibly find a low-anxiety time to soberly ask for more trust, that is worth a try. As you do, be aware of this: your dad is not going to dope-slap himself Homer Simpson style and say Doh! You’re right! I’m wrong! Stay out ’til 11!
He’s going to push back. Give your request time, days or weeks, to sink in.
As long as you live in their house, you are subject to their rules. That doesn’t mean that you can’t make your case to try to stay out later, nor does it mean that their stance is particularly reasonable. It just means they currently hold the purse strings. Soon enough you can be out on your own and make your own rules.
In my opinion, what’s “reasonable” and what’s “fair” are two different questions.
I think what you’re trying to ask is, “is 9:00 reasonable for an 18 year old?” Given what you described, if there are no extenuating circumstances, then I would agree that 9 is unusually early at your age.
I would want to talk with your parents to validate that they don’t have anything to add to the story, that there’s no unusual circumstances like a punishment due to having stayed out past curfew or needing to get up early tomorrow or something. If there are no such circumstances, I’d agree that 9 is unusually early.
As to “fair”…. Do you pay rent, a share of the utilities, and buy your own food? If so, then you are by any reasonable standard an independent adult and should be entitled to make adult decisions about when you come and go. If not, “their house, their rules” is what’s fair. It would not be fair to them for you to live at their expense but somehow not be subject to their rules. Doesn’t matter how old you are.
I’m one of 11 children when my Dad was a live, we all had to be in by 10. It had nothing to do about him trusting us, it wasn’t about a power trip, he could not sleep until everyone was in the house.
I didn’t party, drink or do drugs, when I came home for the first time after Basic Training and Tech school, I still had curfew. My dad worked his ass off to give us, clothing, food, warmth, and ensured our K-12 education. Giving him the respect and consideration was a small sacrifice.
Have a respectful discussion with your parents.
Move out get your own place and pay bills. Until then you live under their roof you follow their rules
No
There are a couple ways to look at this. One way is that for me, having been the kid in your position and a mom now, is that parents should teach and then give their kids a chance to demonstrate what they’ve learned before they’re completely out in the wide world.
That being said, it’s your parents’ home and so they do get to make the rules. There’s only so much you can do if your parents want to maintain that kind of dynamic.
When I was 18 and a senior in high school, I wanted to go to a parent supervised party on New Years’ (I was responsible and to this day I’ve never smoked anything other than a roast on the bbq) and she wanted me home at midnight. She always said that if I didn’t like the rules, there was the door, so while I followed curfew that night I was moving into my own apartment less than a month later. (She was PISSED.) This was a loooong time ago now, and apartments were a lot less expensive.
If you can bide your time knowing you’ll be out soon, do it. It’s ok to not agree with the treatment, but if your parents don’t want to give you autonomy while you live with them, there isn’t much for other options without moving out.
Yes. Their house their rules. Until you move out.
My kids curfew was always dependent on where they were going and what they were doing. Me personally I would not have a curfew after the age of 18 just let me know where you are going.
If you are 18 and living in your parent’s home, they have every right to set a limit on any in-and-out. Now, I think 9 is early but others have limits. I set a 10 pm curfew. As an adult, I believe that my children should behave accordingly.
Unfortunately their house their rules.
Your parents are being unreasonable. If they don’t trust you, there’s not much you can do by move out.
If they want to make sure you’re home safe before they go to bed, here is an idea: they put a digital alarm clock in the kitchen and set it for curfew. You turn it off when you get home. That is peace of mind for them and freedom for you.
At your age, 11pm seems a fair curfew (with some nights 12am). Home by 9, you’re missing a lot of the best parts of this age.
No, it’s not fair. It’s not reasonable. But you’ll be moving out soon, and once you’re gone, you can live as an adult and make your own decisions. You have to be financially independent to live as an adult. Make that your goal.
You don’t see it now, but they want you safe. You’re leaving soon. Respect their rules.
Think pushing your time to later on weekends would be a way to transition towards being on your own in college. Maybe ask for 10 on weekdays and midnight for weekends. Maybe suggest they track your phone location if they aren’t already doing that.
It is their house, if they don’t want people going in and out of the house past that time and they just wanna lock everything up it’s their choice? This has less to do with you and more to do with how they wanna live. They’re probably not looking for a (free) roommate situation with someone who goes in and out at all times of the night. Add to that they probably have to feed this free roommate lol yeah I would say in this case just realize where you’re living and who you’re living with!
As a Gen-Xer this is wild to me. I was dragging my ass into the house at 11pm when I was 16. But my parents always knew where I was.
Not allowing you some responsibility over your behavior right now will result in you off to college with no experience at all. My strict parents did that to me and I went a bit coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs when I did have the freedom. In reality, it should not have been a big deal.
I want to go to bed at 10. I want the house locked up and turned out by 9. Yes, I’d want you home by 9. Not because I don’t trust you, but because I don’t want to have extra noise to worry about. Once you’re out on your own, it will be ok.
you can do whatever you want, they can kick you out too.
they are toxic, just leave
just leave.
we can talk for hours but it’s gonna end in your leaving. as soon as possible. in the midst of this horrible economy. while they hold the fact that they can help you over your head. while stressing you tf out and not letting you figure yourself out.
leave. I’ll come slap your parents off their feet if you want. idc. I’m like this and generally pretty happy, people don’t mess with me and I value my word enough that when I suggest things to people they follow through for me.
you gotta get out of there as soon as possible. try to get into a state college that gives semesters disbursements.
leave and begin building your nest.
My kids 16 and I get annoyed if he wants to stay out past 11 cus that’s when I go to bed and don’t wanna have to go get him. Sounds like your parents are just being dicks
I know you are young, but even if you sit down your parents and just talk to them without pushing them will go along way. Even if its just to share your feelings, and let them know that even 10:30 would give you an opportunity to know what its like to stay out late and figure out night time life before college.. in a non sexual way of course. lol but like i said talking will go along way. Regardless, if they help you financially, and are good parents, they really just want the best for you, and Im so thankful my mom was strict about me when I was younger! there is more life to live in your mid to late 20’s, I really dont remember anything being that important or life changing at 18-23, so if you dont win by staying out late, just remember that you will have more freedom and money if you study something good and do well in college, best of luck
When I was about your age, my mother had similar issues with me staying out late. That was more like midnight vs 11 (on weekends & breaks) but still: my friends weren’t monitored anything like that much, and none of us were doing anything that might get us in trouble. My mother’s reasoning was that she couldn’t sleep if I was still out.
I finally had to tell her that that wasn’t my problem, and she needed to get over her anxiety about where I was. I reminded her that I was moving out in a few months and then she’d never know where I was day to day, let alone when I was back in my dorm, and meanwhile I had a cell phone and would call if there was a problem.
This did not go over well at first, but I was persistent about my stance, came up with some compromises (calling if I’d be home later than expected or if I went somewhere other than where I said I’d be). In the end, holding my position improved my relationship with my parents: they treated me more like an adult, and my not abusing the privilege led to them trusting me more in general.
Your parents are being stupid. One of the most important things you need to do as a parent of an older teen is to BACK OFF THE GUARDRAILS and give you room to fail in various ways.
This is one of them.
9pm curfew is ridiculously early for someone 18.
Tell your dad if he doesn’t ease up on you now, you’re going to go more insane and make worse decisions because you’ve never built up the muscle of self discipline.
He’s making you weak by never letting you stand on your own two feet and face the consequences of staying out late while still in a safe environment.
He’s setting you up to fail – because when you’re off at college, you’ll be forced to do it alone with NO one there to wake you up for anything critical or whatever it is he’s afraid of.
He’s failing you as a parent. He wants to know why kids fail to launch and leave the nest successfully? He never let you stretch your wings.
At 18 you shouldn’t have a curfew at all, but you should tell your parents where you will be, what time you expect to be home, and to call if you expect to be home later than expected. Your parents are unreasonable.
That’s too early for a high school senior. 10 during the week and midnight on weekends was what my curfew was.
I had to be home at 10 on school nights at 16, 11 on weekends.