My MIL has said multiple times that my daughter looks like her: her hair (I agree there) but also her eyes, nose, facial expressions, etc. (don’t see it)
She has also said that my daughter must have light eyes because her mom (my daughter’s great grandma) had blue eyes. I have blue eyes.
Tonight she sent a photo of her niece, not only to my husband but also to me, saying that she sees my daughter in her. Why? I don’t know. I’ve never met this person nor do I care about her.
I told my husband that this behavior annoys me. I told him I think it’s rude to say this to parents constantly because we made her and she looks like us more than anyone else. I’m also annoyed because the resemblance is not there and I always have to play along pretending I see the similarities and I don’t like to lie.
We got into a disagreement about it with my husband. According to him, this is typical grandma behavior and I am only annoyed because I don’t like her – which is true, I don’t.
Even so, I’d be annoyed if MY mom constantly said that she looks like her. I think it’s just rude to say that that often to the child’s parents. What is your opinion on this? Am I overreacting?
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Don’t respond and don’t send photos. Lots of the in-laws do this to jab at the DIL.
>> I always have to play along pretending I see the similarities
No you don’t. How was your relationship before your daughter was born?
How old is daughter? If still little (even if she is cute) say how babies all look like little old men until they grow into their looks, so yeah I can see what you mean MIL!
It’s the repetition that’s really annoying. She needs to be like Elsa and let it go. She won’t because that’s all she’s got.
We do see in babies what we know, so seeing “our side” makes some sense.
You might say something like “Really, Gertrude? Is that all you can say about our cute little bundle of joy? We’ve heard it already.”
The fact that you have blue eyes and she acts like your baby’s blue eyes came from DH’s/her side is ridiculous.
Don’t play along and act like you agree. You can say “MIL I have blue eyes, LO got my eye color”. “Oh MIL I’m sorry that LO has half my DNA, haha!” “Oh sorry I’ve never even seen this person before, I don’t see the resemblance. Guess people see what they want to!” “LO is her own person and looks just like LO!” “LO is a beautiful mix of myself and DH!”
I think people see their own kids and relatives in babies because they knew that parent as a baby and remember that. But, taken too far by the father’s side, it comes across as treating the mother like an incubator and “othering” the mom, like she had nothing to do with creating the child and the paternal side wants to take ownership, or something. Also, I find it annoying as heck when people say the same thing repeatedly. Like, give it a rest.
I’ve used my story in a previous post about this type of MIL.
30 years ago, I got black and white photos of my mini me child taken, added them to black and white photos of me at the same age. MIL couldn’t tell the difference and shut up. It could work with colour photos.
Is it bad that my instinct is to say “no, she doesn’t look common”?
I had the opposite.
My gran was a bitter woman who hated my mother and worshipped my father and oldest brother.
As a young child you could have put a filter on my pictures and said it was her, that’s how much I look like her.
She denied it to the point of questioning my paternity.
Witch.
I have a unique shade of gray blue eyes with a dark ring. My dad has the same eyes and my daughter has the same eyes. It’s clear. It’s obvious and honestly it can be a shocking trait. My MIL has made these types of comments to the sound of crickets so many times it’s not worth acknowledging. Occasionally someone pipes in “(My name) has the exact same eyes as (Daughter). So beautiful or shocking or striking or whatever….” Sometimes I take this opportunity to roll my shocking eyes in MILS direction.
She does it to get your goat. It’s a jab. Don’t entertain it. Don’t try to stretch the truth around her insanity. Just blank stare. Change subject or roll your beautiful blues right in her face. 💙
I’d be annoyed. I’d probably just say, “Hm. I don’t see it.” Or “I bet she looks like a lot of people in both sides of the family.” Like, you don’t need to point it out. Of course there are people in the family she looks like.
I try to be careful of this with my family. I have cousins just having babies and I don’t go too into “he looks just like Cousin at that age!” I’ll tone it down like, “I can see Cousin at that age in Baby Cousin. You’d know they were father and son.” Of course I have one baby cousin who is an incredible perfect mix of his mom and dad. It’s uncanny. I can’t stop commenting on it. 😆
It’s typical mean girl behavior, not always but it’s fairly obvious which is which. Your MIL sounds ridiculous, reaching generations back to justify something as obvious as your child’s eye color…
My MIL and SIL did this as well, although on their part it was more “Elder Demon is the Italian baby (resembling them), and Younger Demon is the Irish baby (resembling me),” Which I would have let go until my four year old Elder Demon looked up at me and said “But how will they know I am your (baby) momma?!”
Which is when I showed them pictures of themself and their sibling together where it was absolutely obvious that they have almost identical features, but just different coloring (Elder Demon is dark haired/dark eyed, Younger is light haired with light eyes). That calmed them down significantly
The next time MIL cracked her teeth I put a picture of my mother as a child on the table. If not for the (very 1960s) outfit, you would have sworn it was Elder Demon sitting on the lawn in front of my childhood church.
That was the last time the subject was brought up.