TLDR: My bf is relies on his parents financially and thinks this is normal for our generation (Millennials). When I asked some friends, they also copped to getting significant money from parents. Is it normal or am I overreacting?
My partner (35M) is going back to grad school and the entire endeavor (supplies, tuition—all of it) is being paid by his parents. They have always paid his car insurance, cell phone bill, most medical bills, etc. They are now paying his rent while hems at school. They are his ATM, but there is zero animosity between them about it. Sometimes they insist on buying stuff for us (most recently a car)
My BF isn’t terrible with money…but he is a compulsive spender. He had jobs that paid well but he spent his savings and is back at square one. He continues to live like he has money. He eats out regularly (like daily), buys all kinds of stuff that he doesn’t need, has no budget, etc. But he his parents basically give him an allowance on top of his living expenses, so I’m not sure how much his compulsive spending CAN change with this dynamic at play.
When I bring this up, he tells me that it is super normal to rely on parents for financial support, especially as millennials. I genuinely don’t know if that’s true? I had the opposite experience (grew up dirt poor and am stressed about my parents retirement). But I asked a few 30-something friends, and more than I expected get or have gotten help from their parents (down payments, living expenses, car payments, student loans etc.).
Anyway, I am wondering if I have a skewed perception here and if a lot of millennials are in this position (I know that Boomers have all the wealth!)
My BF’s sense is that while yes, he should get his spending under control, we can always rely on his parents if things get dicey and shouldn’t feel weird about that.
Is this a common thing for our generation??
Comments
>but he is a compulsive spender. He had jobs that paid well but he spent his savings and is back at square one.
girl, no. Th is not a person you want to build your life with.
He is not someone who is responsible; to rely on AGING parents who will soon be retired and on a fixed income….gross. He a grownass man who is NEARLY 40 and should be able to handle his business.
and FYI: I have teens who are more responsible than him. They work part time and save up for things they want. If they can’t get it because no money? then they dont buy it. They dont spend their money and then come to me because they know the answer is No.
I don’t have that option, but when I look around me, I see that it’s quite common.
Well, it depends what kind of support. Here in Australia, it is increasingly impossible for people to buy houses without support from the ‘bank of mum and dad’. It’s become a national phenomenon. But I don’t think people judge the millennial couple standing out front with the sold sign on a property they were only able secure thanks to a 300k cash gift from parents, the way they will judge the 30-something who moves back in at home with his parents because he’s between careers, and that isn’t really fair or consistent. The truth is it’s hard for younger people to get ahead, harder than it has basically ever been.
I don’t think it’s hideously untrue, especially depending on individual circumstances. For example, my parents help out in covering the cost of flights back home to visit them (I live abroad) but if I had to cover it myself, it wouldn’t break my bank. They’re also financially contributing to my wedding and down payment on a house, but that was never an expectation, it was an offer to help.
I also don’t think this is totally a millennial thing at large. I think it’s not uncommon for families to help financially if and when they can in some capacity. A lot of millennial aren’t in the same place as their parents were at this time in their life, so sometimes I think it can feel a bit skewed when parents still provide some support.
I think there’s a difference between parents giving support here and there (like part of a downpayment or helping with a car), and bankrolling an adult kid who has a good job but is bad with money.
I think parental support is common for millennials with upper middle class parents. I also did not have this option.
No idea but I personally find financial independence/ responsibility attractive. And I don’t even mean having a lot of money. I mean knowing how to budget properly and make sacrifices when needed.
Heavy or consistent financial dependence on parents or anyone would be a major turn off for me.
On one hand, yes. I am the last-ish year of the millenial (age 30) and I financially rely on my parents. We had a plan for me to be moved out in my own home by now but then I got chronic fatigue from covid. Now the house I bought (which they gave me 100k towards) will be rented out when ready and we will continue to live together and share resources. Important to note here: without my parents I would be even more disabled than I am and be living in poverty right now. I won’t lie, I think I’d be depressed without the middle class privileges I’ve had my whole life living with them.
I will say though, I’m not like your boyfriend. My parents know I respect money and when I could work full time I was a saver, had strong priorities in where I spend money. So if this is a concern on your boyfriends spending first and foremost, I find it to be really worrying and not something I’d be comfortable with, as that’s kind of a core value difference. Unless his parents are mega wealthy and I can get in on that lol.
It’s common but not universal to get help for big expenses such as school & buying a house. I don’t know anyone who has got an allowance or similar, especially if they actually have money, they’re just wasting it.
This would hugely put me off tbh. As millennials, we are old enough that we should at least be striving for financial independence (disability etc aside), most of us should already be there. I can’t imagine continuing to take an allowance from my parents, even when I was in low paid work.
It’s common enough if you can afford it… I compare my partner and I – we both earn roughly the same (he earns a bit more now but not too much, and I used to earn a bit more than him), and we both are quite frugal, but he has a lot of savings compared to me, because I was financially responsible for all my expenses since I was 19, and paid for my studies, etc, whereas his parents paid for his rent and studies until he graduated, so until he was 25-26. We both worked and earned money while studying, but my earnings went to paying rent, and his went to his saving account.
Even if his parents didn’t help him with buying a house – which they said they would when we want to buy -, it gives him a massive advantage over me in terms of savings – he has maybe 6 times what I have, when our salaries and expenses now have always been very similar.
I have friends who have gotten money for big purchases or events (help with a house down payment or paying for a wedding) but nobody who is taking money from their parents for day to day living expenses.
> my BF isn’t terrible with money…but he is a compulsive spender
> he spent his savings and is back at square one
> he eats out regularly (like daily), buys all kinds of stuff that he doesn’t need, has no budget
Be so fucking for real right now. This is the definition of being terrible with money, not to mention childish and remorseless about taking money from his parents who will never be able to retire at this rate. He should be ashamed of himself. I would sooner die than be with somebody like this.
Accepting help from parents isn’t an issue per se. Plenty of people like to talk family values, this is simply those family values in action. Plenty of parents help their offspring because they are willing and able.
I know a lot of people whose parents have helped with buying homes, paid uni fees etc. Also a lot of grandparents doing unpaid childcare.
For some of these parents, they want to help out while they’re alive rather than leave an inheritance when they die.
Of course, not all parents are able to offer such support, even if they want to.
The issue here isn’t that his parents pay for stuff, but whether you feel that he’s responsible enough to build a life with. Some people will always be more privileged than others. Have a talk with him. What’s his plan if his parents’ money stops?
Millennial here, while my family isn’t super well off, there have been times the bank of mum and dad has helped in a tight spot.
My husband’s parents take care of our children while we’re at work, which saves us thousands of dollars a month. They also occasionally gift us money for big life events—when my son was born prematurely and we were going to take a loan so I could stay home longer with him, they gave us the money instead. They also paid about $4,000 on our home down payment to help us with closing costs, and when they inherited an older (but barely used) car from my husband’s grandmother, they gifted it to us. We don’t ask for these things, but take them gratefully when offered. But they don’t contribute any money to our monthly expenses. We pay all of our own bills.
For day to day spending I don’t think it’s so common. If he has all this financial support, a decent job, and still no savings I’d say that is the definition of bad with money and not someone you’d want to enter into a partnership with.
As others have said, not so unusual when parents can afford it to help with larger purchases or gift money.
News articles seem to suggest that it’s pretty common, but I haven’t seen it too much in my real life. I also live in a rural area with a largely lower socioeconomic population and a lot of friends our age are military veterans, so that is probably a big factor. I definitely don’t rely on my parents for daily life and nobody helped with big expenses either. I would probably be put off by a partner whose parents paid for their daily expenses. Parents helping with a big purchase as a gift is a different thing.
I would feel so ashamed relying on my parents at my big age. Sure, they could help me out if something extraordinary happened, but I would never expect them to.
This is how generational wealth works – the middle class and higher families are able to give their kids a leg up in life, supporting higher education, buying a home, etc. I’d say that substantial financial support is in the minority by population, but is common in certain social bubbles. I didn’t have it but know a lot of my peers did. I do feel a bit salty about it, but also am setting up the financial foundation to be able to give this support to my own daughter when she grows up so it seems a bit hypocritical of me to judge it too harshly.
It seems like your boyfriend is squandering the leg up he has been lucky enough to receive though – that is a pretty big issue to think about in terms of the future of your relationship.
My parents aren’t made on money and don’t provide me anything. That said, I have been able to reach out to my dad once or twice in very grim financial situations and he’s helped. But otherwise I’m on my own for money.
So I think it’s common although but in the scenario that you’re giving I think the issue is how he’s using this opportunity. Like he could be saving and also building generation alone. What happens if his parents pass away and he’s no longer getting the income from them or they’re no longer paying his bills. I would never combine finances with this person because I feel like you always have to be the one to sacrifice.
I think there is a difference enabling behavior and helping.
No. Education fees are different, but grown adults should be able to sig their one routine monthly bills.
>>compulsive spender
This would be enough for me to end the relationship. His parents won’t always be there to foot his bills. What then? You will be the one footing the bills.
It depends on what socioeconomic class we’re talking about. I’m an elder millennial and my parents stopped providing for me when I was 16. When you are born to poor people, that’s how it goes. The Army gave me everything I had to help me get established in life (GI Bill, VA mortgage, etc) and I had a fellowship that paid for grad school.
Then in my early 30’s when I finished all that and hit the workforce in a fairly standard engineer who went to grad school job, there was one person in my cohort who wasn’t significantly being subsidized by his parents and he was a veteran, too. The others were all still on their parents’ health insurance if they were young enough, over half were still driving a car their parents bought for them, most were still on their parents’ phone plans, and the one who was actually from this city was living with his parents so he could save his entire salary for a few years and buy a house in cash (which he did about four years later).
The real shock came two years in when I bought my first house. A lot of my work peers had bought houses in the previous few years as well and they had all sorts of excellent advice for me. One thing confused me, though. They kept telling me what wording was important when my parents “write the gift letter”. I didn’t want to say anything but I was so confused. Finally, I asked one coworker who had become a friend why everyone kept mentioning parents writing a letter as part of the home buying process.nu was like, “I’m 33 years old, why on earth would my parents be involved in this?” She was like, “Wait. Where is your down payment coming from?” I explained that I was using a VA mortgage and didn’t have a down payment because one wasn’t required. She explained that all of my non-veteran coworkers, including her, had been given their down payments by their parents. My mind was officially blown.
So yeah from that experience I learned that upper-middle class millennials are definitely being subsidized by their parents in fairly significant ways.
I’m right on the line of being gen z/millineal, but in my experience this is very common. Personally everyone around my age that I know is still receiving some level of financial support from their parents, although some more than others
What you’ve described, how is that not ’terrible’ with money?
I have seen my friends rely on their parents for big purchases like their homes (because cost of living is high in our city) but if they’re covering your partner’s expenses all around, that’s worrying to me. He has shown he isn’t capable of budgeting or spending wisely.
He’s 35, doesn’t pay his own bills, spends compulsively, and they’re footing the bill to go back to school…. Let’s be real. He doesn’t manage his own money because he can’t. I find financial responsibility and literacy to be a very basic component of being an adult.
My circle might get help with a down payment on a house, or a wedding but no one is out here with mommy and daddy paying their daily bills.
Overall, depending on circumstances being financially dependent on parents isn’t itself an issue- life happens and illness/injury or other things can reduce or obliterate earning capacity and savings.
That he’s not responsible with the money he does make and has the attitude that his parents will bankroll him if he needs it is a problem. That’s a lack of taking adult responsibility for his own life.
This is a weird dynamic between parents and adult child.
My parents supported me through grad school, age 24. They got divorced when I was 20, and they put $100k in a trust as part of their divorce settlement that I could access when I turned 30. Through the years, I have felt like that was extremely generous and have made it a point to never take a dime over that from them. I know they worked hard to give me these advantages. I want them to enjoy their retirement and have zero financial burden from me. I don’t take anything they gave me for granted.
I couldn’t do what this guy is doing at 35. It feels icky. I would move on.
Admittedly I did receive $3k from my parents towards wedding expenses. Other than that, my husband and I are both completely independent from our parents.
Looking around at my cohort, I don’t see many people relying on their parents as heavily as your BF. Maybe some help here or there with large purchases, but no one is proudly using their folks as an ATM. The only person I know who receives significant frequent monetary help from their folks is my sister.
Also as others have said, you need to get honest with yourself about your BF’s relationship with money. If you’re a compulsive spender, you’re terrible with money. If you can’t save and need your parents to bankroll you, you’re terrible with money.
These comments make me think I should ask for money from my parents now. 😂
If anything my parents are so proud of the fact that I’ve been able to build the life I have now (which isn’t grand by any means, but I’ve managed to study, work, and live abroad and even have a property under my name) without their financial support.
My parents (upper middle class) paid my uni fees until I got a merit based scholarship at 20, and they helped my buy my apartment (we live in the most expensive city in my country). It was something they have always said they would do, and I hope to be able to do the same for my children one day.
Getting help for having a good start in life if your parents can and want to afford it is one thing, living off them is another entirely.
Since my first paycheck I’ve never ever asked them for spending money, even if it means I have to cut back expenses and give up on things like vacations etc, even though they have offered help.
I am an adult and they don’t have to pay for my choices (I love my job, but it doesn’t pay much), and I would want the same from a partner.
I wouldn’t think it’s normal to be reliant. But my friends who have good relationship with their parents definitely do receive large gifts. I have one friend whose mom and dad pay part of their rent in a HCOL area, but that’s the exception. Generally, I rarely discuss finances with friends unless we are very close, and I only have like a handful of millennials in that close with, including my brothers.
Our own parents have recently completed their estate planning process and have adopted this mindset of “if this is going to significantly improve the kids quality of life and it’s something they’d use their inheritance to pay off and we can afford jt easily.” So they’ve started to pay my existing student loans from undergrad down, but i wouldn’t take advantage of them by assuming they’d pay for grad school.
Anecdotal data point. A former friend of mine had her parents paying for all her kids extracurricular activities, their family travels, etc. lots of extras.
Then one day she had a new car, nothing fancy. She was 39. She was so proud of herself as she said that car was the first time she’s bought anything without her parents co-signing. Keep in mind this is a woman who is educated, employed, has an employed spouse, homeowner, and has two kids. Our years long friendship basically ended there.
I have been on my own financially since I was 18 or so. My parents helped with my first apartment but that was $200-ish and that was about it.
I don’t know a single person like this
This is somewhat common to a lesser extent, for those whose parents have the funds to do so. However he is completely financially irresponsible which should be a dealbreaker in a relationship. Staying with someone who refuses to save money so they can buy stuff they don’t need will continually bring stress.
I knew a couple like this, and they lost everything once the wealthy parent passed away, because they never learned to handle money responsibly.
As an older millennial with well-off boomer parents, I dont think its abnormal for parents to help earlier on in life – ie pay some/all college tuition, assist with or outright purchase first car…and then contribute towards the down payment on a house. But I do think the every day expenses being paid for – phone, medical as you mentioned – is odd. My parents paid for my tuition and gave me a car when I graduated high school, but unlike your boyfriend I am not terrible with money and I have been financially independent from my parents for 15+ years now.
First, your bf is bad with money. Everything you’ve said, he doesn’t know how to wisely have money.
Second, no I don’t think it is normal for millennials to rely on parents. At least with everyone I know 35+ it isn’t normal.
My parents are a boomers genX. They gave me a down payment for my house and gift me money or purchase large items for me sometimes.
We can do it ourselves but they want to help us out. I’m not sure it’s common to get a regular allowance, most of my friends get help but not a really allowance we rely on. I think it’s the difference between you mom being a mom and still buying pants randomly she thought you might like and you depending on your mom for all your clothing.
I want to really emphasize how vital spending habits are if you want to stay in a long term relationship. If you marry this person one day their spending will be your spending and you are signing on to join their debts in many cases. Extremes in spending habits have caused a lot of divorces, you should only marry someone you’re 100% on the same page with when it comes to money.
Most people get help from their parents but can probably survive without that help and most did not expect it. I think that’s the difference. Also, the real test is, are you prepared to provide the same help if you had kids? I am financially set to do the same for my kids because I’m saving – this guy doesn’t sound like he will be in a place to ever return the favor to any future children he may have.
I’ve received assistance from my parents a total of 2 times, and both were money that was supposed to be mine in the first place. It’s a long story. And both times I was in my early 20’s.
I don’t know anyone who is receiving ongoing financial support. I know a few people who have received gifts for major life events (weddings, buying a house, etc.) but that is not exclusive to millennials.
I love my parents, but I’m the one helping them figure out their finances. Getting old is EXPENSIVE and nobody’s lending anyone money for retirement. If these other parents can really afford it, then good for them, but I hope they’re not putting themselves at risk to bankroll their adult kids.
Honestly it’s the least they can do after their generation pulled the ladder up after themselves, but I don’t talk to them anymore.
Parents helping out here and there isn’t too unusual. I’m 36 and my dad has given me significant amounts of money through the years.
His thought process is that it’s my inheritance and he wants to give some to me so he can see me enjoy it before he goes. Which whatever, I save the majority of it and use a little here and there for trips or larger purchases. During the pandemic when I lost my good paying job that money helped me out immensely.
But to the extent your bfs parents are helping seems more of a hindrance for his financial maturity. This set up is more like a kid leaving home and going to school at 18.
I currently don’t make a lot of money and I would be embarrassed to have my parent help me out this much. That’s wild! I manage to pay my bills and add to my savings making peanuts for a salary. His parents aren’t helping their son they are just providing him a lifestyle he would be unable to provide himself. It sounds like the parents are wealthy so I’m sure he’ll get money when they pass but with his habits he’d likely blow through it all in no time. Then where’s he at?
My mother helped for an ongoing period for a lot for reasons I won’t go into and it’s understood that it’s basically paying out from my inheritance as I needed support in the here and now and was helping keep me alive. She perceived that (and I agree) as a much more practical use as the need arose, rather than “saving” it for a likely distant future that might not even happen whereas an immediate need was there.
I (age 42) help my mom with money. My mom helps my brother (age 39) with money and my sister (age 40) with rides (sis doesn’t drive). My sister also helps my brother.
my brother is an incompetent mooch.
(Also, I wouldn’t want to end up in a long-term relationship with someone who can’t control their spending to the point that their parents need to help them. Incidentally, my brother can’t keep a girl to save his life.)
I see parents my age and older with adult children providing A LOT of support – both financial and emotional.
It seems like this generation of adults are overly enmeshed with their parents, to the detriment of having friends and other support systems and providing for themselves.
In my peer group (parents in their late 40’s to early 60’s), I have friends who pay for family vacations for their adult kids, still keep their adult kids on their cell phone plan and pay the bill, pay for plane tickets home to visit, pay for Rover to take care of the pets while adult kids come home, and track their kids on life 360. These adult kids are all in their early 30’s and married with kids of their own. I find this level of parental support baffling.
From the outside, it would seem that my friends can afford all this additional support, but you really never know.
I wonder if this whole “pay to play” system these parents have created has gotten out of hand and if they wish they could dial it back. For a lot of my friends, they say that if they didn’t pay for the kids to come home for the holidays and go on family vacations they wouldn’t be able to do these things, which I don’t think is entirely true. I think the kids use that kind of language to keep the bank of mom and dad open and paying out.
I’m 35 (near 36) too, and my mom definitely helps, but not to that level. She pays me and my brother’s phone bill, and buys clothes sometimes for us, but I pay everything else from bills to food. Sometimes, if there’s a big expense and I don’t have enough savings I will ask her for a loan, which sometimes she ‘forgets’ to get back even with my best efforts to remind her. My husband’s family on the other hand, they send money all the time, they paid a house for us, expensive dental work… he’s near 46 though, not sure that’s millenial. The biggest difference however seems to be that his family is higher income than mine.
Yes and no. My parents (divorced) are extremely wealthy. My father has helped me over the years when I’ve asked him for assistance. He bought me a (used, $10K) car when mine died on my due date with my first child and I couldn’t afford to fix it. He gave me about 1/4 of the down payment on my new house so that we could put the builder’s deposit down before selling our old house bc he didn’t want his grandkids to live in a trailer on the new property while we were building. He gave me $5K for a surgery I needed and couldn’t afford. He also gave me a 0% interest loan so I could install solar panels on my house bc the bank loans for solar wanted 9%, and I wanted to be able to claim the solar credit before it expired without getting dicked in the ass by these dogshit interest rates. My mother, on the other hand, doesn’t give me shit. She wouldn’t even loan me $200 for groceries when I was a first year teacher and dead broke. She told me being hungry builds character.
My husband’s parents (married and wealthy, but not as much) gave him $20K as a graduation gift to put towards his grad school loans. They bought him a car when they found out he was driving to work with rain dripping through the ceiling of his 15yo car. And they paid for an attorney when he had a legal dispute at work. My husband and I are saving to be able to buy our kids’ their first homes and first cars. We want them to be independent, but we also don’t want them to struggle while we have money we could share.
I don’t believe my dad or my in-laws would let us lose our home if we were in dire financial straits. But we don’t ask them for money on a regular basis or anything. We certainly don’t get an allowance.
You’re right that your partner is never going to be financially responsible on his own. His parents have basically crippled his ability to develop those skills. One day they will die and he will blow through his inheritance and then be old and broke. If you think he would agree to let you manage the money in your relationship (which to be clear is an agreement my husband and I reached very early on in our marriage bc my husband is absolutely hopeless with money and he knows it), then you can decide if this is a dealbreaker for you or not. If he doesn’t see anything wrong with his spending and doesn’t want to be reined in then I would have concerns about the future. You could talk to his parents at some point and make sure they lock his inheritance in a trust that will continue to pay an allowance. That might work.
My parents have helped my sister and I when we needed it. Being laid off, disability, stuff like that. Any stupid decisions we had made were expected to be corrected. For example, when I was laid off. I had a small amount of credit card debt (<$1000). It was paid off with the expectation that I stop using the credit card—and I did.
So your boyfriend is terrible with money, and apparently doesn’t care what effect this may have on his parents finances.
My husband and I have received support from our parents over the years. I paid my own college and we bought our house on our own but parents have helped in other ways. We are on a family cell phone plan with my mom and she refuses to let us pay her for it. When my 1999 car was no longer safe to drive a couple months ago she gave me her 2010 car she inherited from my grandparents when they passed. My husband’s mom provided after school care for our child until they were old enough to not need it (she worked at the school so kiddo would ride home with her). So while it’s no lump sum or down-payment for a house, we have saved alot of money and stress thanks to our parents.
i think it’s common for rich people yea, not so much for the rest of us plebs
It’s very common, I’m shocked at how many people I’ve found out have their parents still pay their phone bills, insurance, credit cards, like normal bills in their 30’s. And these are usually people who look down on those who seem to be less well off.. some of us had to pay our own parents bills in college because they blew it on the liquor store 🤷🏻♀️ so sorry I can’t afford a jeep but neither can you girlie, I know your mom is paying for it.
Nope. Neither myself or siblings get any financial assistance from my college educated retired parents.
I have definitely relied on my parents. A lot less now that I am renting and have a fulltime job, but if I asked them they would definitely buy me things I need (as long as they can afford it, of course).
Your question is flawed.
Regardless of the generation, if you have parents who CAN AND WILL help their child with money (in any way – college, apartment, post-grad degree, car, home purchase, groceries, or bills), they will.
Granted it’s not always a choice for parents if the child gets in situations that force them to. Nonetheless it is the choice of the parent to set that boundary. If you have a child that is often supported financially, it’s their typical lifeline, and are used to it. Whether they are abusing it or just know that support will be there by means of a trust fund or directly asking.
It’s the individual.
Lower middle class and the working poor don’t support their kids financially, even if they wish they could.
My parents gifted me money for a down payment. I grew up in an upper middle class family (both parents were lawyers) but my parents were never flashy with money. We always had used cars, didn’t go on lavish vacations, rarely went out to eat. But they paid for our college education in full (to out of state private schools) and have supported us financially when needed. They gave me $70k towards our down payment.
They also pay for my flights to visit them twice a year because they do so much childcare for my sister (who lives close to them) and we only get to see them twice a year.
I moved back in with my mother for school, but give her rent money and help out with utilities and groceries. Everything else is on me. Even when I went to college the first time fresh from college, I never thought of asking my parents to help with my student loans. And I grew up on WIC and in the projects. Sometimes folks who grew up more upper class than me boggle my mind. I paid off my $50k in student loans within five years. Some people are blown away by that, but then I tell them, okay look at my car, my spending habits etc. Anyways, I joined the military, was active for a while, and now I’m in the reserve and now I don’t have to pay for school this time yay. Idk, parents gotta teach their kids to be responsible. A grown ass adult if they move back in can help out with bills. My student loans debt were all on me.
Your bf is a mooch, that is not normal.
If you have the help why not use it while it’s there? I don’t see anything wrong with looking to your family for assistance as long as you also know how to stand on your own two feet.
Wish my parents could give me money…
My parents helped me out a ton when I was in my 20s, but not with ongoing bills (other than car insurance until I bought my first car in my name). But by my 30s, I was pretty much on my own. And now in my early 40s, I help my mom out financially (dad has passed, but I did the same for him before he died). I don’t know of anyone my age or in their 30s even who have regular, ongoing support from their parents.
My parents help me out at times – for example, the NHS (UK health system) is really bad on psychiatric care, so they’ve paid for me to go private for my ADHD and depression care – but I would never ask for living expenses or phone bills or mortgage, the things that my job should cover for me.
They also paid for most of my wedding expenses – the venue and catering.
They’re very generous, and my brother and I could ask them for help at any time if we needed, but we both feel like that would be taking advantage (as do our partners). We are overwhelmingly grateful for the safety net, though.
I put myself through grad school for my PhD on scholarships and stipends and teaching, and I work in academia now – the pay isn’t great but it’s enough that I can leave my parents alone to enjoy their retirement.
I think at this point in my circle, most of us are largely independent, but we got help to get to this point. If anything I think we mostly get help in terms of assets. For example, my parents gave me their still valuable 2003 truck. But for me and my partner, our parents are aging and retired, so we are conscious of what we take and are looking more to what we will need to give in the future.
I’m the same age, and I do not rely on my parents for any of those things. None of my friends rely on their parents either. One of my siblings went through some really difficult stuff a few years ago, fell on hard times, and they helped her move back into their home and have been helping her get back on her feet – but I would say that’s different than relying on them financially.
I had a similarly difficult period of time where I was struggling financially several years ago, and they were willing to help me too with things like groceries, and they paid a couple of my cell phone bills for me. But I never expected them to fund my life, it was a stop gap measure to keep me afloat while I got myself into a better spot.
There were six kids and no money. I have never been helped financially by my parents. No groceries in college, no car, nothing.
Common =/= Normal
But also we act like every person and family has always had to completely sustain themselves themself. Money from family is as old as the Bible, different families have different means and parents and children can find a healthy balance for themselves.
I do not rely on my parents and am 38. I bought my house with my husband without their help. They have given us sizable gifts at different times and for different reasons. By this I mean $5,000 and under but most years I don’t receive any gifts.
They are taking care of their retirement and I knew if I NEEDED I could also under their roof they can help me not be homeless. That is already a lot of gift in and of itself.
It’s normal for wealthy families to do this of every generation. That’s why a lot of times generational wealth only last three generations after the people who earned it pass. The subsequent generations have financial illiteracy and spend it.
They sound like they have a lot of money, and I don’t live in that universe, but I went to school with a lot of folks with parents with a lot of money. I think it’s pretty normal for rich people if I’m being honest. The rest of us get lessons about character and work and thrift from our parents. It’s not fair but the world isn’t, quite obviously. Also, eating out everyday must be massively expensive oh my word, I wouldn’t do it even if I could afford it, just on principle.
I am Gen X and I had to have help from my parents until I was in my early 30s and started a steady career.
My mom would loan me a couple hundred if I really really needed it, but nah. Definitely not one of these bank rolled millenials. Sounds dope, would love help with a downpayment.
At least 2.5 of my 3 siblings are currently being supplemented by my mom. At this point, I don’t think she can help it. She begs to send me money for anything mentioned (like waits on an opp to pounce with checkbooks in both fists), and she’s completely bypassed me to send my kid monthly checks for no reason.
When my dad was alive, I’d complained about a business expense, and the next day he was handing me thousands to cover it. My issue, which I stated in my rant, was that the state bond was 10x that of other states I worked in, but they hadn’t updated their list in years and didn’t have a searchable database like states with cheaper bonds. So, it took me several moments to even understand what the money was for, but I didn’t need or take the cash.
If I didn’t have anyone I could confidently go to, I’d prefer to be with someone who did. And prefer them to be a good steward over their finances.
Life is… unpredictable. I’ve witnessed some of my friends without helpful parents become homeless. They had careers, savings, great credit scores, and emergency funds. After the emergency, there was a change that led to a shift that diverged from the path that transfigured the entire style and quality of life— and the green grass grew all around all around— as it does. The last man I seriously dated had a home bought by his parents. My current FWB has me on his life insurance, but we don’t share recurring expenses.
Managing money well can be learned. But, what’s we have to spend it on, where we earn it from, and how much we earn can sometimes be in the air. Lots of benefit and lifestyle options other generations had aren’t available to us. Everybody’s setup is slightly different.
My parents have helped me a lot. Not so much in my day-to-day expenses like your friend, but in almost all of my major life purchases (undergrad, cars, house). The only big thing I paid for completely on my own dime was my grad degree.
I’m very privileged to have parents who are able and willing to help me in this way. I think it’s common for parents who can afford to do it.
For rich brats, yes. Not everyone can or is willing to do that. Especially at 35.
No, it’s not normal for parents to fund everything in the lifestyle of a 35 year old man. Everyone I know around me who’s 37-38 like me live independently without getting financial assistance from their parents. They have jobs and live within their means and save up for retirement. I’m not saying help in a pinch or help with a major life event like down payment for a house is bad but your bfriend’s financial situation and his inability to save is a major red flag to me. You describe him as a compulsive spender, that’s the definition of being bad with money because it means he saves nothing. A man like this isn’t going to be able to retire and will either live off of his inheritance (assuming he has one) or will rack up credit card debt at some point in his life. This isn’t normal.
Common for someone who was raised by parents who didn’t want to parent.
Nope. I feel lucky that if I needed to they would let me move back in with them, but I pay my bills (well except my phone, my dad told me he was kicking me off it a couple years ago then realized it would cost more for them to have it just for him and my mom..). I’m not saying it’s inherently bad, just definitely not the norm:/
It’s not necessarily normal to rely. I guess what’s normal for my family is for the older generation to help the younger. My grandparents lived far and my parents were professionals with 2 young kids. They had a budget. So my grandparents would pay for our flights out to come see them for holidays. My parents do that in some way for my sister and I when we go on family vacations. We pay for our own flights but they pay for the rental car or airbnb. My parents paid for my uni tuition for a couple yrs. And I would love for them to live with me when they are older (childfree millenial here). My brother-in-laws are exactly like your bf but what’s worse is they’re not in school. They’re just too lazy, working low wage iobs (part time!) so they can just do their hobbies or popping out kids they can’t afford and my father-in-law bankrolls all of them monthly. I think it’s learned incompetence. The parents coddling enabling their financial incompetence.
It sounds like he’s bad with money he just has parents who can support him from his bad choices. I think it’s not abnormal to get help with big ticket stuff, I didnt get help paying for college but many people did at like 18, the first car also everyone I knew either used a family car or their parents got them a car until after college. Paying for some of a wedding or part of a down payment also is common. But repeated money requests for daily life stuff is not normal with big extenuating circumstances, like recovering from an illness or your roof collapsed. The only person I know asking their parents to give them money to get through expected expenses are people bad with money. I would expect a millennial with a job to have a budget and try to follow it. Not being able to do that month after month just cause they buy a lot of stuff is like being a kid.
I know more people my age who support their parents then rely on parents for support.
I’m fortunate enough to have parents that could supplement my living expenses, if it was necessary. In fact, they attempt to give me money all the time. I refuse it. If I can’t sustain my lifestyle on my own income, then I need to change my lifestyle. That said, I do have a child now, and when they attempt to give me money I tell them that they can spend it on her or put it in her college fund. I think that’s a fair compromise.
> My BF isn’t terrible with money…but he is a compulsive spender.
When I read this, I hear that he knows how to be fiscally responsible and chooses not to be. In my opinion, that’s worse. Ignorance can be corrected with education. How do you correct willful refusal to take responsibility for oneself?
My brother dated a woman like this a few years ago. He came to me once asking for advice on how to navigate that aspect of their relationship and I told him the following:
“If she asks for your advice, by all means give it, but also consider whether her problems stem from ignorance or irresponsibility. Ultimately, you aren’t going to be able to change who she is, nor should you try to do so.
“It may be time to reflect on where you’d like this relationship to go. If you’re having fun and keeping it casual, then it’s not a problem, just set boundaries on how you’re willing to spend and let her handle her own spending. If you’re looking for something more serious, consider whether you’d be comfortable sharing debt with her or saving for retirement. If you get married, her assets and debts become YOUR assets and debts.
“Long-term relationships are based on more than just love. You need respect, trust, and shared values. Financial management is a value. If you can’t find common ground, that should be a relationship-ending incompatibility.”
We were squarely middle class, and my parents help(ed) me but they don’t bankroll me. I had help with tuiton, but still had student loans. My mom set me up with a credit card (that she paid for) to buy school supplies, so that my piddly 10 hour a week job money could be for fun and so I had good credit upon graduating. My parents gave us a couple thousand for our wedding, but we paid for the rest of it. My dad bought me my first car, a 10+ year old Toyota with good bones, but all expenses were on me after that. A few years ago, my mom gave me her old car for free when she got a new one. Etc.
Basically, yes, I had plenty of help along the way but nothing like you are describing. My parents never paid for my phone or car insurance or every day life. But if we had grown up wealthier…they probably would have. At the end of the day they just wanted to help me get a leg up in life. I wish everyone had this luxury.
Whether it’s “normal” or not, this is not likely to change.
What I’ve also seen from people like this is they have a sense of entitlement that makes it hard to maintain a relationship with. And if you date or marry someone like this, don’t expect the parents generosity to apply to you.
Personally, I wouldn’t do it.
I don’t think this is common for millennials, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.
My parents barely let me rely on them financially even when I was in high school / college. I paid for my own gas money to/from school as a teenager. My mom made loans to herself out of my checking account without asking. In college, I had to get a full ride scholarship to be able to go where I wanted to go, and my mom gave me $100/month total of spending money for any essentials (which let me tell you does not go very far). I worked all summer and on every break to save my money to pay my own sorority dues, and I wasn’t allowed to have a job in college until senior year, at which point I worked at a bar on weekends and TAd, which gave me enough to actually do things like go to brunch with friends on the weekend.
After college, I was totally on my own. I was eating the same hamburger helper for a week waiting for my first pay check to come in. I think my dad sent me $60 for groceries once when I was desperate in that first month and a half where I hadn’t been paid yet. My mom was shocked when I took her off of my checking account…
Even still, my mom lets me pay for things for her and rarely offers to pay for me.
It’s rich, because my gen-z sister has been financially dependent on my parents through most of her 20s (in pharmacy school and residency, and now even post-residency), and they let her be. Even with a paycheck, she will ask my parents for money for things like flights and they will send it. I think they still pay her cell phone bill. She has thousands of dollars of credit card debt and is not good with money at all, and I can’t help but notice the correlation…
It’s much more common than you think. I own a home in a gentrified urban neighborhood, most home owners here right now are younger Millennials and older GenZ. Not only is it common to get financial help, I start to see more and more parents helping them maintaining the house. I chatted with a dad power washing his son’s driveway on Saturday.
I obviously can’t tell you how rich they are, but not all of them strike me as upper class. There’s enough evidence that GenX parents are using their life savings to help their kids and that the middle class is doing it, too.
I’m on the cusp of gen x and millennial, but I haven’t asked my parents for money since I was 16.
The closet thing was when I was 23 I had recently bought a condo (which was a mistake looking back, but I had saved a bunch of money for college and ended up getting scholarships every year, so had a lump of cash when i graduated and thought it was a good idea at the time), and my water heater died. Like, non repairable died. So, me being cash poor, just took cold ass showers for 6 months. My dad came to visit, and noticed the water was cold, and went to re- light. Didn’t work. He asked me what was up, I told him it hadn’t worked in 6 months, and I was bartending to get a new one, but property taxes were due soon, so probably another 2 months. He took off, showed back up with a water heater and told me to install it, and that I owed him tacos. That was the only time someone bought me something, and I got on having an emergency fund for stuff like that. Hadn’t thought to have one before, because I was young and dumb.
So, once, but planned for big things afterward. I’m in my mid 40s. I actually help my parents out now, since they have retired and have some medical issues.
i mean it’s probably normal for wealthy families lol. i don’t necessarily think it’s generational but more just based on who has money to give. none of my friends just have their parents paying their bills. but most of my friends/family are of similar financial backgrounds so maybe that’s why i just don’t see parents paying their adult childrens’ way. like sure if someone’s parents are rich they’re more likely to help out. most families where i live don’t have that kind of money.
Hate to break it to you, but BF is terrible with money.
That being said, it’s one thing to intermittently receive a financial gift from parents vs them subsidizing life.
My parents paid for my University degree right after HS, and paid rent for my dorm in my first year. 2nd, 3rd, and 4th years I paid my own rent. All 4 years I paid for my groceries and everything else. I worked in the summer to save up and pay for these things. My mom co-signed on a loan for me to go to college when I was 24. Other than that I do everything on my own. I’m 35, I pay my own way, and live 100% independently of my parents.
That said, while in Uni, and college I did meet and know quite a few people whose parents paid for all their shit, many of them still do. The common denominator is wealth. All those people were upper-middle class at the least. They never worried about money, they never remembered their parents fighting about money. Their idea of a vacation is traveling out of the country. They went on ski trips, went on cruises, went to Disney, etc. They never worried about money and had zero issue calling their parents up and asking for 30 bucks to go to a show or grab a bottle of booze. I would NEVER consider asking my parents for money for anything beyond preventing homelessness.
This is NOT a generational thing, this is a wealth/class thing. The reason your partner thinks this is normal is that they probably only know other people in their tax bracket, and grew up around only other people in their tax bracket.
Yes and no. Millennials either have parents like your boyfriend’s, or ones who won’t give their kids a dime. Mine fall in the latter category.
I, like you, am a millennial from a working class background who had no expectation of financial support from my parents. That said, yeah, one of the things I learned that separates wealthy parents from low-income ones is wealthy parents do spend a lot of money on their adult children and give them a significant leg up in life. This doesn’t seem to be as much of a generational thing as it is a wealth thing.
They pay for all their college AND grad school and/or pay off their student loans, give them down payments for houses (or sometimes will just buy them a place outright), pay for their dream weddings, buy them cars, pay their car insurance, cover bills when they’re in debt or otherwise struggling, give them allowances, cover their vacation costs, cover tuition for their kids (the wealthy parents’ grandkids) to go to private school, cover expensive experiences for the grandkids…of course not every family covers all of these things. But many families do several.
That said, would I date a millennial man who feels entitled to this kind of help, has grown dependent on it at 35, and seems to be making little to no effort to support himself and seek independence? No. Because his parents aren’t gonna live forever, number one, and number two a lot of times that money comes with strings attached (wealthy parents who bankroll your life also often seem to think this means they can have more input on your life choices).
I’m firmly middle class and didn’t receive support from my parents – they didn’t help pay for college or anything post high school. They simply didn’t have the money and prioritized their retirement (which is my preference). I don’t know a ton of people who have received support like your husband – he’s very lucky!
my parents have been broke since 2007. I wish…
I don’t think it’s normal but I do think it is common. I think especially in my late 20s it seemed like some people were “ahead” even though I know I made more money. Then you find out their parents paid the down payment on their house, or bought their car. A lot of people get help from mom and dad.
Yeah, it’s common. Millennials are the first generation doing worse than their parents generation
https://thecollegeinvestor.com/38429/millennials-rsupport-parents-survey-2021/
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-68099450
My mother in law is very wealthy and she gives us money sometimes, for bigger things but also sometimes she’s like I am giving you guys 35k. It’s weird. My mom (dad is deceased) has never had money like that to offer me I grew up working class to middle class. I don’t feel like it’s normal though.
I think with today’s economy and society, it isn’t necessarily abnormal for folks to get some help here and there for things from parents if they’re financially able to help. Things like down payments ect….
>They have always paid his car insurance, cell phone bill, most medical bills, etc.
That’s not normal imo
I’m 35, come from an upper middle class family, and am an only child. My parents paid for my education (almost 18 years ago) and gave my husband and I about 10k to put toward our wedding (which was considered inexpensive to 2019’s standards so this was a huge chunk). We never asked them to help with the wedding as we chose to have an inexpensive wedding we could afford should we receive no help from our parents. Since we got married in 2019, my husband and I have since bought two brand new homes, two new cars (one being a luxury make), and had two children and received no financial support from my parents, nor never once expected it. They take us out for dinners here and there (we usually take turns paying) and spoil my children, but I’d say my situation is the more “normal” of the two situations at hand. I’m a grown ass adult with a family and we’re dual income.. would my parents financially contribute to my life?? NOW, if I ever needed their financial assistance, they would be able to help and I know a lot of people do not have that option so it’s not lost on me how blessed I am to have a “safety net.”
I had help for tuition/student loans, but I worked and paid rent all through school. I’m slowly paying my parents back for the loan help but they’re in no rush – they use the savings account we share that I fill up to pay their property taxes right now.
I read recently that the millennial generation is basically defined by needing to have “in vivo” transfers of wealth”. Meaning, to make life work many would need living parents and grandparents transfer money for all the things you’ve mentioned. Life now is not setup for people to simply earn and have enough and a lot of millennials are getting these transfers up to 40%. The NYTs ran a story recently on a couple who was going $5000 to their grown late 20s daughter for living expenses.
I am not anywhere near that life.
While I know that life now is for people born into money. It’s gives me the ick to hear able body people not doing what they have to do because mom/dad has got it. I can understand a down payment on a home (it’s astronomical these days) but why aren’t you paying your rent? Copayments at the doctor? Car insurance? This is no shade to your bf just my internal ramble.
Eventually the money tap will turn off. You don’t want to see what happens then, this guy will implode.
How much this matters financially depends on how wealthy his parents are. Like if they’ll keep him afloat and buy him a house then he inherits millions, he’s likely going to be fine.
How much it matters otherwise depends on if you find this attractive. Compulsive anything is more and more unattractive as you age.
37 yr old millennial here from the south – very solid middle class upbringing (when that still existed) – I have three siblings and my parents made damn sure we knew not to be a “boomerang kid” either moving back in after college or relying on my parents. I was lucky in that my parents helped me pay for college and I had only $10k in loans when I graduated from a modestly priced state school. But my boomer parents were definitely clear from the time we were kids that they would not provide financial support after we got degrees.
When I was a young single mom I certainly got plenty of help – not extravagant help but survival below the poverty line help. I don’t think I know other millennials getting significant financial assistance from parents but I guess that’s not the norm. At this point for me it’s just being able to not pay rent (my income goes to grad school tuition and all other bills) but there was a period of time when I was paying some of my mom’s bills for her while she fought cancer. It’s interesting being a millennial because we are financially squashed by our own circumstances plus aging parents who will need help due to being unable to retire and out kids who will need support through college (and maybe beyond) to get on their feet.
Sounds like he is terrible with money. But since the money isn’t running out, and his parents keep giving him more, there’s an illusion that the situation isn’t that bad. It is though. I would not want to be financially connected in any way to this man.
I’m working class and have had some financial support from my mother, but it’s been at times when thing have been bad, like when I was made redundant with little to no notice or severance package. But I have other friends who have had massive financial help from their parents – primarily people I know who are middle class – and usually because they didn’t handle their finances properly and spent money like it was water. I’ve got friends whose parents have covered quite substantial debts that were run up purely through overspending. I also don’t know anyone in my age group who has been able to buy a house without a significant amount of money being provided by family. I do also have a couple of better-off friends who manage their money well, and in those cases it’s them who supports the parents, not the other way round.
Hmm not really normal, but not that uncommon if the parents are very well off. I know quite a few people like that. Usually, it’s considered “family” money, ie later on, the child would be expected to provide for their parents in one way or another. Probably depends a bit on where you’re from as well, in my culture, it is quite normal.
Boomer here. Helped my oldest son with some money when he was unemployed and his wife was in med school but it wasn’t a monthly payment. He never asked, i just understood the need. I still pay both my son’s phones but if I ask, they would pay for it. It is not a big deal for me to do it. I would never help a child that is in trouble because he doesn’t know how to budget. I’m
I’m 38 and have only relied on my parents for money for things like a down payment on a car or help paying a security deposit. I don’t have large sums of money like that, but I pay all my own monthly bills and pay my own rent
If you watch Caleb Hammer, it’s unfortunately very pervasive in both millennials and gen Z. Going back to grad school at an older age, to be forever schooling is also a common aspect of those bad with money. They’re dopamine addicts that infantilize themselves, and the parents who probably grew up with less and want to make sure their child has a better life are enablers.
It’s a very common thing for our generation. The average salary of a millennial is not very high. Most millennial homeowners that I know, do not have an income that matches the cost of a home, or an HOA, and even if they went through some downpayment assistance with the city or county, many of them still received some kind of cash gift from their parents
My husband (32) and I (31) both work but its like there’s never enough money or when we finally have all the stars aligned, somethjng happens (like our car brealing down 🙃). His parents will step in occasionally with one-off loans or gifts on his behalf if he’s unable to keep up and my parents honestly just never stopped giving me “allowance”. Almost every week my mom sends me some money, most of the time she tells us to just get something to eat or use it for whatever my toddler wants.
We’re not well off, its just something she enjoys doing for us, no matter how often I tell her she doesn’t have to. She’s very much of the mindset that she’s my mom and as long as she’s around, she’s going to support me. Now do I RELY on this money? No. Im an adult and I have a full time job. I budget my paycheck and schedule my bills. My goal is to one day be able to buy them a house or something nice to show my gratitude. Among my tiny friend group I think we’re the only ones in the position.
Your partner should not be relying on or living with the idea of his parents money being a backup plan. One, its irresponsible, two, its not a forever thing. While I dont see anything wrong with them supporting his school, living above his means, shopping and eating out or wanting expensive things is a problem. He should start looking at a budget and seeing where he needs to draw back and honestly how much unnecessary things he’s buying that sit and collect dust. It could also be a learned habit from his own parents. If this is the person you want to built forward with, you need to have a serious sit down conversation before your finances become shared and you have no choice but to deal with his spending habits.
In general though, I think our generation is more likely to have parental help than previous ones and even the ones after us. I feel like we fell into a weird spot where, at least in the USA, we were never able to truly get up and go. There’s been what, 2 or 3 recessions, terrible inflation, the job market, pandemic, the world ending more times than I can remember. There’s probably studies about it, will probably end up in the textbooks. I think we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
I think you’ve made it to a world where money isn’t a theme of animosity and you should try to relax and take a break in it instead of giving your bf a hard time. I hope to give my kid this type of support when she’s old enough. Just chill and go with it. And don’t worry about your parents. It’s not your responsibility
My parents financially supported me while I went to school (undergrad+grad) for living expenses, but I had scholarships and financial aid/student loans for tuition.
My dad gave us money for a down payment on our house.
I don’t have any shame or regret about that. I am extremely lucky to have had their support otherwise I likely would have never gone to school and I would’ve spent all of my savings for our house, for that I am grateful. That being said, they made my childhood a living hell so that probably adds to why I dont have any guilt or shame about it.
I was raised like the boyfriend but the only difference is my parents pay for education not lifestyle and all things related. For example, they’ll pay your rent at school but you have to feed your self. They’ll pay car insurance but you have to get the car and sometimes they’ll get you a car because they heard there’s a rapist on the lose, this happened, dad was watching the news then bought me a car because they felt they weren’t doing enough since there was a rapist on the loose.
The difference is that if you weren’t in school, you were on your own, didn’t ask them for shit. Therefore, I stayed in school until I was 30, got a doctorate and finally paid my own phone bill.
That’s not normal! Just my two cents.
Sounds like your BF comes from money.
I get the vibe that this is normal for the richy-rich folk.
Get a good prenup if you get married, though. You don’t want to turn into his money tree if his parents cut him off.
My parents are still living paycheck to paycheck, so no, I have never been one to ask them for money. And when they have helped me out financially, I paid them back.
My husband’s mom is on the opposite end. She makes very good money and will absolutely help out if she can. But we don’t expect it, and don’t ask. If she wants to gift us plane tickets to fly our family out to see her, we don’t refuse because it’s not about the money, it’s about her wanting to spend time with us and our kids.
In my experience it’s kind of 60/40 parents who chucked their millennial kids out into the world vs those who continued to support them whether financially or living at home and including them on family phone plans and the like.
I know I felt extremely grateful to know that my parents were there and willing to help me if I had problems or needed help.
I am 36f and my parents have paid my phone bill my entire life until like 6 months ago? They asked me to start paying recently so I said yes without question, I just never thought about it. They also paid like 80% of my college 14 years ago, they paid for probably a good 50% of my wedding (cost $42k in total), they also gifted us $10k as down payment for our house (technically they gave us $20k but we paid them $10k back) cause we were saving for our wedding at the time plus just had to move cross country so money was very tight during that time but we wanted a house cause we were living with them at the time with our first baby.
Besides those things they don’t pay for much else currently except maybe going over for dinner here and there (which we do have them for dinner sometimes too) but they do watch our kids often and are our sick care. My daughter also goes there to sleepover often so we can focus on our baby because my daughter (toddler) likes getting 1 on 1 attention over there hahah! My dad also does daycare drop off for me and the occasion pickup if we have to work late.
Common across our generation, maybe? But i don’t think everything should rely on it. Like if they stopped at any point, i would be ok with it. I’m certainly fine alone and we have great incomes but I think they just love to help us out as that’s what parents do. I’ll do the same for my kids and plan to pay their colleges. I don’t feel like i take it for granted and i am appreciative but my in laws were the same way for my husband and his sister (constantly giving him and her money…shoot his mom constantly gives me money every time she visits lmao. They also gifted us $10k for our new house/paint/furniture when we moved in) and I do believe my SIL takes it for granted and is entitled with it/gets mad if they don’t pay for her stuff.
Your BF *is* terrible with money. Your entire paragraph following “My boyfriend isn’t terrible with money” has described someone who has spent up all their savings and gets handouts from their parents.
No, people don’t just treat their parents like a continual source of income like your boyfriend does. They might get help for significant events or share a cellphone plan. They don’t just live beyond their means and spend all their savings away. That’s crazy.
This is just my observation over my lifetime:
People (especially men) who rely on The Bank of Mom and Dad far into adulthood will be doing it until they find The Bank of Spouse or until Mom and Dad finally die. Then they quickly end up pretty much as broke as possible unless they find someone else to leech off of.
Weirdly enough, it always seems to be the kids of parents who are upper-middle class. The sons of a family who owns a chain of grocery stores or a couple car dealerships. They never snap out of that Ferris Bueller mindset.
My advice is to find someone with good financial sense. Not someone who will find a way to spend everyone into a hole.
“My BF is terrible with money.”
Whole post is about him being terrible with money.
I’m not good with money but this is even a huge no for me. Parents helping out with a down payment or when you get laid off? Sure. Parents giving an allowance cause Jimmy can’t figure out how to make a frozen dinner or sandwich? No.
It’s weird.
But men of our generation are failing to launch at extraordinary rates.
This is normal for families who can afford it. It sounds a bit like you’re making it a problem because it’s foreign to you. There’s no morality prize for getting through life without help, just like not having help doesn’t say anything about your character.
It sounds like a clear difference in privilege and that’s liable to happen unless you date only in the socioeconomic circle you came from. It doesn’t sound like your boyfriend needs to adjust anything about his lifestyle – it’s a reflection of what’s available to him. You’re also benefiting, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Does your bf actually think he needs to get his spending under control or is he saying that for your benefit?
“Isn’t terrible with money” and “is a compulsive spender” seem pretty at odds with one another
Grew up below the poverty line in a very, very wealthy town in New England with two narcissistic parents. I’ve been on my own financially since I was 15. I’m 40 now. I like to joke in a dark humor sort of way that I can be set on fire and burning alive in front of my mom and she won’t bat an eye. Haven’t seen my dad in 20 years.
I put myself through school (bachelor’s and master’s) bought two cars in cash over the years, and have a credit score in the mid-700s.
I have some credit card debt and student loans from grad school, no savings (putting it all toward my cc debt for now), no plans to ever buy a home but I can at least be proud that I made it and am now thriving and I didn’t get any help from anyone.
This is not the norm but it grates on me something fierce when people assume otherwise and I have to reiterate, no, I really, truly did not have any parental support at all since high school.
I got a stupid amount of money from my grandparents when I got engaged, because they’d been saving for my wedding since I was born. When I was younger and failing college they bullied me into taking private loans out to be a continuing ed student, and they ended up paying those loans back in the end because holy shit those interest rates (my dad paid THEM back when he sold my family home for unrelated reasons).
Tbh it’s all way more than I deserve. I haven’t done shit to earn any of it. But I’m very thankful for it, particularly the loan payoff. To be fair, I didn’t want to take them out because I didn’t want to keep trying and failing to get back on track for the 47648251th time, but jfc I would be SO FUCKED if they hadn’t paid them back. My parents paid for the first few years as well through my college savings and, eventually, my mom’s 401k and savings after she died.
Other than the engagement money, which still makes me kinda nauseated to think about, I haven’t gotten really anything in the way of support in years. I think my dad helped me pay my broker’s fee when I moved like ten years ago? I’m on his phone plan too but that’s cheaper for both of us, and I pay the whole family bill off in one lump sum a few times a year (and buy his phones). It’s like 40 bucks a month, he doesn’t mind and I think he kinda likes doing it
Idk my family’s money dynamics have always been weird. Rich grandparents keeping broke parents afloat. I just chug along, I don’t ask for help or really get much or care. There’s no way my dad could support if he had to, though he won’t rent less than a 2br “in case one of the girls has to come home” which is nice but hopefully unnecessary.
As a xennial, I can’t relate. At all. I started working at 13 to have “allowance” money. I started supporting myself fully at 17 and my parents never gave me a cent towards college. I’ve only asked for small amounts of money during serious emergencies. It gives me anxiety to imagine relying on my parents this much.
But I don’t think there is anything wrong with parents helping their kids with money. But I would never commit to life time partnership with someone who has to rely on their parents for money just because they can’t save or manage it.
I think I’m somewhere in the middle. I have a secure job, but I am severely underpaid. The area I live in is not a great place to find a new job if you’re catching my drift..
I work a 2nd job and I’m still struggling to make ends meet and pay off some debt. My mom helps me monthly but purchasing a home is not even on the radar at this point.
I do have friends whose parents/in laws have helped them buy not one, but two homes including the most recent in the over $1mil price range. That does not feel normal to me after a starter home but I guess I wouldn’t turn it down if I was in the recepients position lol
i’m 30 and i don’t buy my own groceries as my parents do that for me weekly. of course here and there i’ll run to the store for some things i need, but the bulk of my grocery shopping is courtesy of my parents. my mom sends me money for lunch often and my dad sends me just because money. ranging from $15 to $100 every so often.
no shame. they brought me here lol least they can do is help me with the adulthood i never signed up for.
Yes it’s normal, but perhaps not to the degree that he is accepting help.
This might be a values mismatch.
Can he handle living without their money if they get sick, or if he has a falling-out with them?
> My BF isn’t terrible with money…but he is a compulsive spender.
yeah … he’s terrible with money
> My BF isn’t terrible with money…
Goes on to describe all the ways he’s terrible with money.
Yes, plenty of millennials have been supplemented by their parents when money is tight, or they needed just a bit more to be able to jump over a hurdle like a deposit for a first home.
No, most millennials aren’t out here using their parents as private atms.
My parents dont help me like that and I am salty realizing that so many parents do
I don’t know if this is common, but just adding a different situation here: My parents started invested money for me when I was born, which they slowly added to while I was growing up, and my dad managed it in long term stocks to help it grow. He worked a blue collar job, but learned enough about investing and was regular enough about it to now live very comfortable in retirement. He taught me about investing so that I could manage it when I turned 18. I’m not a millionaire or anything, but it’s enough that I plan to buy a modest home in the future. I’ve barely touched the funds, and I still work. There is no way I could have earned enough for a home by just working on my own. I wish more people could be taught about safe investing and managing their finances, it’s so valuable
Parental support is common for millennials. I make a lot of money, but my parents still gift me the maximum they can every year so that we can avoid future inheritance taxes.
But even before I made a decent living, my parents supported me in meaningful ways, like paying for my education.
I would not say that this is normal, no. It’s not unheard of. He sounds entitled though and his parents are enablers. There’s nothing wrong with accepting help here and there if your parents are not putting themselves out by doing so, but it is wrong to take advantage of them in ways that you’re capable of providing for yourself, which is what he’s doing.
I’m the oldest and the way I grew up was much different from the youngest siblings. We were very tight on money when I was little and even as a teenager. My youngest siblings got to have more of their own things as well as more luxury (each having their own cars rather than sharing, nails and hair, trends with clothing, out to eat, etc).
My parents are obviously doing much better than they were when I was a kid, and I’m happy for that. I do not feel entitled to what they have though. Have they helped me as an adult? Absolutely. I’ve told them “no thank you” much more often than I’ve accepted it, but it does make them happy now that they’re able to, so I do accept here and there. I do not ask them for anything nor expect it.
TLDR: No it’s not normal for your life to be paid for by your parents even though you can work and make your own money, just because you’re a millennial.
Yes and no. It depends. I can rely on my parents if needed but I don’t want to. My husband cannot rely on his even if he wants to.