So my boyfriend and I had an argument where honestly I opened my eyes. He stated that I am being severely “coddled” and “spoiled” by my mom.
Context about my mother: She has been in one serious relationship and that was my father for 24 years and they divorced. She is now single and shares zero desire to remarry or even date. She also is an immigrant from Korea and so we don’t have any family here. It’s simple that. Only me and her in the entire United States.
For that reason, I am my mother’s world and I am currently in my third year of college at 18 years old (I graduated early) and she financially supports me entirely. And I am so eternally grateful for it. My boyfriend even said, even though I am so spoiled, I remain humble and I’m “not snobby about it.”
His argument comes from my lack of maturity. When he was 18 he has done so much and worked for everything he has now. He is such a hardworking man and he has learned that through various mistakes in life he has made, as he has told me. He states that my mother is setting me up for failure as I am not ready for the real world.
Examples of the “coddling” he pointed out:
– I have never had a single bill I needed to pay for
– my car was given to me and it’s a nice sports car
– my mom deposits money in my card if I ever need it
– my mom gives me money if I ever WANT it
– my mom cooks for me, spoils me with gifts, and takes care of me physically and emotionally.
My argument comes from her culture: in Korea it is normal for children to stay with their parents until they get married (what I plan to do). My mother tells me she worked so hard from where she came from so I don’t. She tells me that growing up she wasn’t able to go to college and still have time to hang out with friends so she gives me all the luxury I need by letting me not have a job. I fully take advantage of the resources given to me because the alternative means more work.
What do I do???
UPDATE!!!: my bf is 21 and owns his own blue collared business. He has worked hard to where he is and I am so so so proud of him and I tell him that everyday he’s done with work.
He tells me that he wants me to help him more around his house like with his laundry and he wants me to fix my sleep schedule bc I’m “wasting my life away” with all the sleep I’m having during summer. My argument is that it’s my summer break, I am even taking summer classes to get ahead in school, I do this every year since I’ve been in middle school, I stay up late during summer and I lock in during August and it has never done me wrong. I am scheduled to become an RN with my bachelors in nursing when I am 20 (right before I turn 21). when I do start making money, my mom says she will then teach me how to manage my finances. I feel like I’m on route for success, i agree i am naive about some real world struggles like car insurance and stuff, but by the time those expenses hit, i will have a comfortable living as i plan to be a traveling nurse and then expanding my education and opening up my own practice all hopefully before I turn 30.
My mom makes six figures and supports both me and her comfortably with money to spare and save. We are not reckless with money and she even tells me with a chuckle that she raised me right, because I’m really conscious with money because I always know that the money I am spending is NOT mine. I am definitely more cheap than my mom and when she sees something she likes, and if I know there’s a cheaper or more efficient way, I’ll tell her. That’s kind of what makes our relationship so great and why I love shopping with her. We will go to Homegoods and often I’ll tell her she shouldn’t get something because she already has so many of them hahaha!! She giggles every time and we shop responsibly. We are by no means wealthy but since it is just me and her and she is a homeowner with a good salary, we live VERY comfortably.
However, I am so proud of my boyfriend as there has been times where he had to live in his car for weeks at a time. His parents are wealthy but he never received any help from them. My best friend is the same way. Parents super wealthy, like 10x more than what my mom makes annually but she takes out student loans. She holds no resentment to her parents and she said she will do the same with her own kids. I understand this is an American value, but what I don’t understand is why my boyfriend tells me I have a troubled relationship with my parents and how she “enables” my “bum” lifestyle.
For example, one time he came home from work and he was visibly stressed and so I asked him if he was okay or if anything was wrong and he looked at me and said “I worked my a** off and u just laid in bed all day.” It hurt my feelings but to avoid further tensions, I kept quiet for the rest of the day.
Overall: my life goal is to retire my mom as soon as possible, that money that I would have used to be paying off my student loans will be used to retire my mom so she doesn’t have to work so hard anymore. My mom is my world. She is my only family I have and I plan to always take care of her as she has been doing for me.
Comments
Take full advantage of it until you get through college.
Adulting is not cheap.
How old is he? Is he in college or working?
I don’t think it’s coddling to be financially supported by your parents when you’re 18 and a student. You have a job as a full time student. I think there are other ways to show financial responsibility and accountability, even if you don’t have your own income. Just because it isn’t understood by your partner doesn’t make it bad or wrong. It is common in many cultures for nuclear families to be very close and for children to remain dependent on their parents financially to give them certain opportunities. Not all learning happens with trial by fire. Quite frankly I think your obligation is to take advantage of the opportunity your mother is happy to provide for you, one that she is proud to be able to offer you, and which may serve you well. Many parents who do this for their children also serve as an example, and their children then offer their own children the same. Nothing you’ve identified suggests immaturity. If you are concerned that you’re taking advantage of your mother – say she can’t afford the support she is offering, that’s another story.
It’s within the bounds of normal, but it’s definitely unusual. A lot of people graduate from college with considerable debt from student loans, so you’re definitely lucky to avoid that. Have you learned to work hard at school, how to persevere through something that’s not easy, in order to get better? Have you learned how to work together with other people (in group projects and things)? Those are valuable skills, but you don’t necessarily need a paycheck in order to develop them.
My parents paid for my college (in the late 1980s), but I had jobs on campus while in college or during summers home. I feel like those gave me a little bit of a footing in the work world that came in handy when I went looking for a full time job. Working wasn’t an unknown to me, so I had a sense of what I was getting into and what I was looking for, and I think that benefitted me.
It might be useful for you to just have a few part-time jobs here and there, if nothing else, to experiment. It’s not that you need the money, but the experience might be valuable for you.
He sounds jealous and I say that because I’m jealous haha. This is an amazing gift from your mom and as long as you keep yourself grounded, I don’t think you need to overthink it.
My mom’s from Korea and she wants Korean discipline while having American views about funding me. Basically she picks and chooses what benefits her and not me. You are lucky that your mom is not like that
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It is now
Fuck
You’re only 18. You’re boyfriend needs to chill out.
It’s definitely normal in parts of the US. I grew up in a wealthy suburb of NYC. Very normal for most parents to pay for their kids college, give them an allowance and pay for their bills, buy them cars, all of that in my area. Even post college not unheard of for parents to help with rent, contribute a lot toward their kids wedding, still help them with larger expenses. My cousin is an only child in her thirties and her parents still help her with her rent, her dad’s got a generous pension for life and they don’t spend much on their own.
Is it normal on the whole, I would say no, and represents generally a very slim demographic of folks here. But especially where I grew up it was almost expected. It’s a slippery slope truly though and I think if that expectation isn’t paired with you taking advantage of that freedom to study and build your life you will fail one day. I definitely know people in my hometown who failed to launch and were coddled to the point of being in their 30s living at home with nothing at all going for them.
how old is your bf?
You’re only 18. You started college at 15 or 16. When you graduate, you’ll have the rest of your life to work and pay bills. Enjoy it while you can.
I have a Korean coworker who does exactly the same thing to her kids but she is struggling now because she has spoiled them tremendously. Her kids don’t help her on household chores, cooking or cleaning. They’re already in their 20’s highly intelligent but zero life skills. Her daughter’s been really struggling because at 23 she has not held up a job. My advice to you is despite your mom’s coddling make sure to learn life skills. Once you start living on your own or you get married it will be difficult for you to adjust. You will have to share all the responsibilities with your partner and no mom to help, I think your boyfriend might be looking far into that.
This is a weird take from him. Why wouldn’t he want you to be supported? I’m 26 and my parents gave me a car last year when mine got totaled by a deer. They support me in lots of ways because they’re able to. They paid for my college, they supported me through it so I didn’t have to work through college, all sorts of things. They helped me remodel my whole house when I bought it and chipped in as a gift, and my grandpa even helped pay off some of the debt I had from remodeling the house.
There’s nothing wrong with receiving help, especially if you’re humble about it. It takes a village.
You don’t *do* anything. It is an extreme blessing and it is good that you are now aware of that and can be appropriately grateful for the privilege of financial security and support.
Not only did my mom pay for my undergraduate, she paid for my masters. She paid my rent, my food, my insurance and my phone through those experiences. It gave me an incredible leg up by not having student loans and I now basically have a savings account that is only HALF of what she spent on my education alone by age 31 and I’m ahead of my peers.
Just be grateful. That’s all it takes. Don’t rub it in anyone’s face. Learn the value of a dollar, work when you can and save everything you can. Make the investment worth it and use that huge leg up she is giving you to kick ass. It’s okay to be spoiled. It’s not like anyone would turn it down or expect you to. Just don’t let it turn you into an ungrateful brat, basically.
Oh, and TAKE CARE OF HER WHEN THE TIME COMES. Use all that kicking ass to do right by her, your fam, and your future kids. Pass it on.
Sounds like the boyfriend doesn’t understand the situation, and is possibly a bit jealous. You’re 18 this is what the world is supposed to look like if a parent is in the situation to do so. He needs to be able to take a step back and understand he doesn’t have the world completely figured out either. You’re both very young and have your entire lives ahead of you. To me this sounds a bit manipulative. He may not actually understand this dynamic if his parents were not meeting his needs. It’s perfectly normal for a parent to want to provide for their children while they are working on a degree.
Happens all the time. Heck I know rich parents who built their 40 year old son a home
Your update is lovely and it seems like you have a great head on your shoulders and are appreciative of your situation. Your boyfriend isn’t wrong that you’re spoiled but there isn’t anything wrong with that. Your life doesn’t have to be hard just because his is.
It sounds like it is causing some tension in your relationship but that you really value, admire and appreciate his work ethic. Maybe it would be helpful to show him that – plan a cute date night, take care of him after a long work day, build him up.
There’s no reason for resentment when you two could be building together instead. You will graduate soon and be working. Maybe just talk to him about it and ask how you can support him.
Good luck girl. Don’t take on his baggage but maybe acknowledge that disparity in your upbringing exists and that it’s not “fair.” It makes sense that he is jealous but you’re doing just fine.
If they can afford it absolutely and it should be normalized
Your boyfriend is not a good fit for you. He’s already trying to drag you down. You’re luck you have such a AMAZING mom, and he should be happy for you, not criticizing you.
Enjoy your sleep and get rid of this dude. He won’t stop until you’re as unhappy as he is.
Ignore your bf’s whiny complaints. Wants you to do his laundry? What is he, a helpless child?
Makes me curious if he’ll actually be supportive if you want to support your mother in the future in her old age and be there for her.
Yes, it’s normal to support your adult children if you’re able to.
No, your mom doesn’t need you to rescue her from work. She likes her work. It gives her purpose.
Your bf and you have different values.
You respect his.
He should respect yours.
Asking you to do his laundry is a red flag. 🚩
This is the first step in controlling your life.
He should get a part time maid instead.
Your mom didn’t raise you to be blind sided by a man.
You should look for men with similar values.
I think you will be fine, keep going with your plans, and don’t let anyone bring you down.
You’ll be fine and if not then you’ll figure it out
There seems to be a difference in upbringing and lack of openness to YOU.
Your boyfriend sounds really annoying. He’s going to give you a housework to do because he doesn’t feel like you work hard enough since you have somebody supporting you? Notice I said supporting and not spoiling. You’re only spoiled if you acting titled to what you’re being given and don’t have any appreciation, and squander the money and the opportunity. You are doing none of those things. He can continue doing his own housework and laundry. Also tell him your sleep schedule works for you and you have absolutely no plan of changing it and if he doesn’t like it he can bounce.
Your BF needs nurturing as well! Hopefully from you, or may eventually get it from someone else.
That’s nice that your mom is helping you out a new intent to help her. That’s what you think right now that’s what I thought as well but it didn’t happen. That way I take care of them and I’d still take care of myself. You should do yourself a favour and learn to take care of yourself even a little bit Because you will resent your mother when you have to help. Take care of her things have gone way out of proportion they’re way more expensive than they were even five years ago, but I guess it’s up to you. You seem to be fine being nurtured by your mother and your boyfriend Maybe spread it around. Everybody needs to feel loved not just you.
If i had the ability to give my daughter that kind of start to her life, I’d do it in a heartbeat. But idk if I’d say its normal.
Have you been with your bf long? It sounds like he’s very resentful of the privileges & opportunities you receive. Imo, he should be glad you’re going to finish college debt-free. If he’s interested in a long-term commitment with you, that also gives you the opportunity to begin your life together w/o that added stress.
OP, read this book: it’s eye-opening.
Your bf is jealous, bordering on abusive.
Big hugs.
I mean… you are factually extremely spoiled and a bit immature. You’re 18, and it is not at crisis levels yet, but you need to do some growing up. You should definitely at least KNOW what your household budget is, understand how to pay the utilities/rent, shop for food, cook, and do laundry. Now is the perfect time to learn.
Your BF is jealous, and this isn’t going to work out long term. You really do not understand what it’s like to not have free money, and he resents you. I also hope you understand your rights and responsibilities regarding any lease you have signed. Do you live together? Who is paying rent?
Your boyfriend is dragging you down.
Your mother has done so much for you. Take her as your standard. You would be better off with a man who treats you just as well (and of course you return this back to him). In fact you’d be better off with no man than this one. He should lift your wings and nurture your relationships with family, not bully you for having these things.
He is probably intimidated that he can’t (yet) provide for you both like your mother does. Well of course he can’t, she couldn’t do that either at his age. This is not about rigid gender roles; the concept would be the same if you were a gay or lesbian couple.
A wiser man would focusing on encouraging your education/career and building a positive relationship with your mom – who may also be in a position to help with a down payment on a home, or child related expenses, if he’s serious about having a future together.
Do not be weighed down by this guy who is upset because you, a full time student, are well rested and healthy, and not focused on his laundry and cleaning after him! He wants a housekeeper. He will never let you relax, and he isn’t thinking of making both of your lives more comfortable.
Furthermore he is in a very limiting, uninformed mindset. Education is an investment and it’s a form of work. You sacrifice and focus up front to reap rewards in the future. It’s more than vocational training – it’s deeper cultural and societal learning. Critical thinking. Learning how to vet sources. All that and more. To access this debt-free is a massive privilege, yes, and also a huge leg up to future financial success. Just because something is a privilege doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use it.
Your mother investing in your education is perfectly normal for someone who has the means. It’s only unusual because not everyone can afford it, and we don’t have universal free higher education.
Check out those memes that are two photos of the same woman. In the first she looks glowing and happy. In the second she is tired, haggard, puffy yet also too thin, and sad. The top caption says “my girlfriend vs my wife” making fun of her looks. And the second caption is someone’s response, “nah, that’s how her parents treated her vs how you treat her.” This is the path you’re headed toward.
Your boyfriend is jealous you had it easier than him but is also worried you won’t be his maid/trad wife. Run for the hills. Or better yet, stay with your awesome mom. Tell her an internet stranger said she is a great mom.
Ensuring that your children as adults are able to function independently without having to rely on others to support them because they can not actually function in real-life without someone hand holding and bank rolling them – yes.
Support as in make that transition easier and set them up for a better headstart and favorable footing – that’s every parents dream. Must most of us don’t get that and it’s fight for everything you have because nothing comes easy or for free mindset. – which sounds like where your boyfriend comes from. You have come from a privileged background with a different mindset that your boyfriend. But it’s not something you should be apologizing for.
However I have a SIL that’s almost 50. Her and her family credit is ruined, their lives are falling apart and she relies on the handouts she gets from her mother. In this case mother enabled poor life choices by keeping on removing as many consequences to her bad decisions as she could. So SIL has grown up not being held to those and just expecting when she wants something now she gets it. That’s the other side of supporting your kids. SIL husband had similar parents. This is a household with 4 working adults that can’t pay for their groceries every month.
You are extremely lucky and should recognize that. The fact that you are “not snobby about it” is very admirable because many people would be. You’re only 18 and that’s not weird to be supported by your parents. I think you should learn to work hard(sounds like you already do) to support yourself, it’s part of life and I believe it would be a disservice to go through life not learning to understand the true cost of things by earning them for yourself.
By the same token, he should be doing his own laundry and not expecting anybody else to clean up after him. And you are NOT a bum. It sounds like you work very hard with your studies. It sounds like both you and your mom have very good heads on your shoulders and I love that you’re so motivated to retire her so soon!
Only Americans think that being self made is a virtue. In literally any part of the world parents help their kids eat into adulthood. Old money is a thing because it is past down to your kids for generations. In Spain, where I’m from, a kid will be supported by their parents until they move out and marry (and the parents would often gift the down payment for the house, if they are able).
My mother still helps us from time to time with big purchases, and in nearly 30. She has the money, and she offers it, so it makes no sense to take a loan for the last 5k on the car we want to buy.
That being said, in most parts of the world it is also our responsibility to take care of them when they are old and need help and many Americans don’t accept this responsibility so maybe that’s why they don’t want to accept parental help.