I (31M) have been with my girlfriend (30F) for almost 3 years now. Things are good between us, but recently, she’s been bringing up the idea of moving in together, and I’m just not into it.
It’s not that I don’t love her or see a future. I just really like having my own space. I sleep better alone, I enjoy my routines, and honestly, I think the relationship works better when we each have our own place.
She sees it as “the next step”, and I get that. But I’m starting to wonder, is there something wrong with me for not wanting that? Do all serious relationships have to end up under the same roof?
Has anyone here stayed in a long-term relationship without ever moving in together? Does it actually work, or is this just delaying the inevitable?
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Of course people have stayed in relationships that way. It’s not common, and the only people I personally knew who did it lived in a commune that shared communal spaces but had their own mini houses. There’s nothing necessarily wrong with a setup like that. I knew another couple who lived together every other month and traveled separately the rest of the time. They seemed happy with that.
That said, people like these are often outliers. Most likely, you and your girlfriend will not be compatible on this issue.
It works well for a lot of people, depends on what you plan for your future together.
Let her move on.
Well, if she is 30, she might be thinking of a family. Obviously, she wouldn‘t want one with sb she hasn‘t lived with previously. Have you talked about that possibility at all?
My father & law and his partner live over the road from each other. They’ve been together over 20 years and as far as we can see, they’re really happy. They’re both set in their routines, like their own space, neither wanted to move out of their houses. They are looking for a place together now, but yeah, seems they’ve had no issues.
However, I don’t think it’s common and definitely something you both need to be on the same page with. If marriage and kids are in her future and maybe not yours(?), it’s time to let her go.
I think you can both compromise. Move together but have 2 bedrooms if you can afford it. This way you have your own space to sleep decompress etc.
Talk to her and see if she would be happy with that. Good luck OP 👍🏻
This only works, if both parties feel 100% the same with preferring to live alone.
My partner and I have been together for 8 years and we don’t live together. We’re both introverts and enjoy having our own space. We’re barely 15 minutes away from each other, so we see each other all the time. We love it, but we also both agree it’s best for us. If one wanted to live together and the other didn’t, it wouldn’t work.
Relationships with families certainly tend to end up under the same roof – have you had a conversation about having kids already?
Definitely need to talk to her about your feelings. Its about compromise i feel
Have you thought about getting a place with separate bedrooms?
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 12 years. We have never lived together. I believe the reason we have been together this long is precisely BECAUSE we don’t live together. We both like having our own spaces. So yes, it is a normal thing to not live with your partner. I honestly do not know why anybody would want to live with their partner unless they were getting married and planning to have children.
I always thought a perfect marriage would be living in a duplex. Also explains why I’m single…
Nothing wrong with feeling that way. But she’s looming for more. Be honest.
of course it’s okay
In your long term future have you talked about things like marriage and kids? Or just how you want to spend your future together e.g. travel, career plans etc?
These things don’t just happen and unless you have those conversations you can’t know if you’re actually compatible with this person. When you refuse to move in with her and see the future as you being together forever but in separate homes, you’re asking her to commit to the expense and practical difficulties of living apart – running two households and moving between them to see each other is much more expensive and time-consuming than living together, so if you don’t want to do that you are limiting all the other life plans you could make together because you’ll need to allocate resource to living separately that could have been put into other activities like holidays, home improvement, starting a family etc.
Both of you need to be on board and enthusiastic about that for it to work in the longer term.
There’s ways of making cohabiting that mitigate the need for space without creating an expensive total separation of households. Talking about how to give one another space during the day, how you’re going to manage boundaries without hurting or offending one another, and also things like having separate beds or bedrooms are all options if you see yourself committing to your girlfriend, but again that has to be the kind of living arrangement she can envisage or get on board with too because this isn’t only about you and your preferences at that point.
So just avoiding the question or sticking your heels in won’t work here, you need to face these decisions together with your girlfriend or part ways with her because clearly she wants to make important and committed changes to your shared life.
I think you’ll probably get a lot of people here telling you that you’re just not into your partner enough and that you wouldn’t mind sharing your space with the right person (which isn’t her) and that you should want to spend all your time with your significant other – and there’s an element of truth to that but it’d really be down to whether you think she’s worth making compromises for.
My partner also likes his space and had an extremely negative experience of moving in with a partner who didn’t understand this about him which put him off relationships altogether for quite a long time. When he moved in here it was actually a matter of convenience and I made clear to him that if it didn’t work for him he could stay as long as he needed to save up money to move out and I would not be offended if he moved out again or take it as a signal of his feelings towards me. We then went into Covid lockdown about 8 months later and I thought that situation would be far too intense for him and that he’d want to move out – but it’s been almost six years now, we have a home and a family that we are both comfortable in. There are some boundaries that some people might find unusual – we share a big bed but there’s no touching at all without verbal consent from my side because unexpected touching or hugs give him the ick – and in return if I ask for a hug he won’t withhold and will give it without question or hesitation unless he’s having a really bad sensory day or is feeling overwhelmed, in which case we have usually communicated about that already so I know not to ask. Where that creates conflict we work out how to meet our individual needs without failing to support each other.
So there’s definitely ways to make it work and you might find that living with her isn’t as bad in practice as you think it will be in principle.
But the main question here is, when you say you can see a future with her, what do you see? And does it match what she sees?
If you don’t know the answers to those questions then you’re not ready to move in together, but you do need to start talking openly and honestly to your partner about why you are feeling hesitant and what you can do between the two of you to address your concerns and hers over what your future and your relationship might look like in one year, five years, ten years etc.
Everyone now a days just thinks living together is the next step in a relationship. But years ago that wasn’t acceptable in society. So in those times the next step was Marriage. lol So to answer your question if others have been in a relationship and not lived together and did it work out. The answer is yes it does and has been tried and tested by others who lived happily ever after.
No matter what you tell her, this news is GOING to seriously damage your relationship if she’s not into it too.
My suggestion is to be open about wanting your own space, make it clear that you love her and still want a future with her, and then discuss a middle-ground compromise.
A good middle ground may be to have separate bedrooms, and if you have a larger house, have a room dedicated to your hobbies and whatnot, and make sure she has her own space for that stuff too.
It sounds like you are not ready for real commitment. At least, it seems you are not ready for what she sees as commitment. If you truly want your own space, you need to be clear with her about it so she can make a choice. You two seem diametrically opposed on this major component of your relationship. If I was her, I would be concerned that you would concede the issue, just to end up showing resentment later on. I do not expect you both to make it unless you do some serious soul-searching and reconciliation.
No! I know plenty of committed couples who do not live in the same home. The key I think is, though, that both members of the couples I know feel strongly the way you have indicated above. They’re on the same page. I don’t think it sounds like your girlfriend is on the same page. There’s nothing wrong with you or not wanting to live with a partner but, for it to work, you probably have to find someone who feels the same.
It’s over
My daughter and her partner have been together for four years and they each have their own home. They both like their privacy and their own routines. They do lots of things together and stay over at each other’s places and are happy to live separately. They are similar in age to you. I think if you and your gf were on the same page, it could work well. It sounds like you’re not in agreement though, so you’ll need to clarify this with her and then decide whether or not you’ll stay together.
Couples that I know who are like this are usually both post divorce and have adult children from their prior marriages. So they’re older, settled and already had their families. Your gf probably wants to marry you and eventually have kids. She’s young. You run the risk of making her feel that she is not your first choice, and she may have to force herself to leave you. If you don’t see her as your wife, don’t string her along, it’s mean. But if you both don’t want kids – then living apart could possibly work for some.
Have you considered moving in together but having different rooms?
Also, OP, ever considered you might be autistic?
Your (logical) reasoning makes me think you are one of us!
I’ll just say, I was nervous about moving in together with my now wife for a lot of the same reasons, but now I sleep far better with her in the same bed than not, enjoy my new routines that involve her immensely and feel lost without them, and in general my life is more rich and full. Given your ages, if you want a long term relationship with a family, you should try get it over with and go into living together with an open mind. If not, you need to have some real conversations about where you see the relationship going and what she wants out of it, and be prepared to end the relationship for her sake if your visions don’t align on fundamentals like family.
Yes absolutely. As long as that’s what you both want! Look at Miriam Margoyles. Her and her partner have been together for something like close to 60 years and they don’t really live together full time and it works.
But like I said, the key here is if that’s what you both want.
Let her go, because you don’t want the same things and she’s at an age where if she wants something serious and a family, you’re not going to give it to her and it’s not fair to either of you.
You need to be honest with your girlfriend. It sounds like you want the girlfriend but don’t want to make a life together. In fairness to her, you need to be clear about your feelings, so that she can make decisions for herself based on reality.
I feel that relationships can work well living separately and can allow for better connection and presence when time is spent together although this took me many years to see. The big issue would be do both of your desires align. If you both are on board, it certainly can work, but if you are not, how can you compromise. Try to really share with her your thoughts and have a deeper conversation about it.
It “can” happen, but only if that works for both people. If you “see a future” with her, how are you going to manage that? What does that “future” with her look like to you? Both of you just going on like you are forever?
You have the right to not want to live with her, but she also has the right to say that after 3 years, if you are not willing to advance the relationship, that’s not ok with her.
If she wants marriage and a family, and that’s not on your agenda, you owe it to her to tell her that NOW, so she can make an informed decision. She’s 30, not 18, and does have physical time limits on these things.
Personally, after 3 years and no compromise from you, I would see that as what MY future with you would look like, and I would move on.
You should let her find a man that actually wants to build a life with her. Stop wasting her time.
Yes there is something fundamentally wrong if after 3 years you don’t want to move forward.
Some people move in together but still sleep in separate rooms/have at least 1-2 separate spaces in the house which can work. However on the routines point, anyone in long-term relationships is going to have to change their routines at least somewhat at some point, otherwise what she may hear is “I’m not worth changing your schedule for”.
Your 2nd paragraph is me in a nutshell. I am married now. We were fine living separately until we married.
Depends on the circumstances. My bf and I (both 45) have been together for 8 years. We live separately and always have. We both have adult children and I have zero interest in marriage or living together. I love my own place, routine. I see him about 3x a week we’ll eat dinner, watch our shows, go do stuff on weekends, we go on vacation a lot. But if I was 30 and looking for marriage and kids I’d feel differently.
I am friends with a married couple who have lived in separate houses for 12 years. However, they are retired, and have no children.
You’re both young, so moving in together, getting married and starting a family are the next logical steps. You might consider a home where you each have your own space. My niece and her husband each use a different bedroom for a she-cave, and a man-cave, and it works well for them.
Good luck. I hope you each take into account the other’s feelings and figure out some compromises.
LATs are a thing– Living Apart Together, but I agree with someone else that if you two are interested in kids at some point, financially and workload-wise it wouldn’t make sense to start from a basis of two house holds.
However, if kids are not on the table and you two have already discussed this and firmly know it, than you need to have a discussion with her where you two come up with relationship goals/milestones that don’t match the normal linear points most people hit.
I do not think you should move in together. But you also need to be honest about how you always want your own space,but how the two of you can still make space for each other in your lives and spaces without it being a 24/7 thing.
happy in between is you have a second room that is uniquely yours and hers if for her so you can sleep together and when you or her need space you both get some time alone to read, game or just chill out a bit. It’s what I want in a relo and youll find that she might be reasonable with this. Otherwise if you dont want her moving in at all then she’ll likely move on.
There are alot of benefits to living with another person. Splitting bills, less housework per person, company.
There’s nothing wrong with having separate spaces. I highly recommend it if you’re not married.
Any reason to not want to move in together is fine.
“Future together” for her likely means marriage and kids. I can’t see how you want a future together if you don’t even want to live together. You need to get real about what she wants. Have you talked about marriage and kids with her?
There is nothing wrong if you don’t want to live together. There’s nothing wrong if you don’t want to marry her. But I also don’t think you are being honest with yourself or her.
But if she wants these things and you don’t then you’re both incompatible and you should be an adult and break up with her. It would be extremely selfish and self defeating to remain in this relationship. This issue will keep coming up and louder each time.
Your girlfriend is operating on a biological timeline to have kids. You need to let her go if she wants kids instead of wasting her timeline because your wishy washy about the relationship.
Again I’m going to be clear here. This is not going to work out if you both want two different things.
I think its okay, moving in is basically marriage just unofficial.
My friend won’t let anyone live with her but did state if she was married that she’d buy a duplex. One side for her and one side for him. Knock the wall out and share the master bedroom. It’s a brilliant idea!
Thanks for sharing.
What kind of future do the two of you envision?
Given your age, kids might be on the horizon within the next ~ten years, no?
How do you feel about that?
I fully understand having one‘s own space.
But eventually that’s gonna be harder and harder to maintain.
Have you though about moving in together, but keeping separate rooms/bedrooms, your own space where you can just be when the need arises?
Stay safe & sane – I’m rooting for both of you!
That’s so cool to me that you live apart. The only reason most people move in is finances (to start). If you can afford to live separately, I don’t see the issue. But ya, if it’s a deal breaker for her then she may not be the one. I think it’s really cool. I also love my routines etc but could never afford to live alone.
You want different things. Stop wasting her time and let her go find someone who wants the same life she does. You’re valid but stop stringing her along. This will give you the opportunity to find someone who wants the same independence and space you crave as well.
There are plenty of women who would be fine with a sepárate living arrangement. More than you’d think. I think they make a lot of sense tbh. Don’t lead her on. Just move on.
She’s 30. She probably wants to get married and start a family. It’s time to move in together if you are serious or let her find somebody who is more serious
Your needs are completely valid and I think its a very good choise that you were completely transparent with yourself and her about your true want, instead of caving in and then later having to face how much you didnt want that. But I think its time to also face do you two maybe see a relationship term “long-term” or “sirious” in a different way, in a practical sence. Maybe to her she wants a long term relationship so it can lead to marriage, but for you you see it as perfect as it is now and want to keep fullfilling each other needs without moving in and marriage. Sometimes two good people with good intentions unfortunately cant work out bc theyre not going in the same direction life wise so be ready to face that as well. Just talk more super openly.
The best thing you can do, if you care about your relationship and partner, is to communicate; if you don’t, things might escalate, which can be avoided. Just let them know how you feel. Let them know you want to keep your space, and in case they refuse, suggest ideas on how can you make it work so both of you are satisfied. If, after that, there’s no solution, then the best thing you can do is break up, because you don’t want to make your beloved partner to feel ignored or neglected. And most importantly, be honest, don’t sugarcoat anything, and, at the time of making a decision, don’t just do what makes them happy just to keep them in your life, because that never ends well.
Nothing wrong with you.
It’s what most couples seem to do, but you don’t have to adhere to the ‚norms‘ of others.
My partner and I came to the agreement that when we move in together we would have separate bedrooms and a shared living room and kitchen. I think it’s healthy to give each other privacy and quiet and a place of retreat.
Edit: I should mention that it depends on what you want your future together to look like. If you plan on having kids, it makes more sense to live together.
My partner and I are both childfree and aren’t particularly interested in getting married so living apart wouldn‘t be an issue.
Lot of married people have their own rooms, separate sides of the house, or even houses (like next door usually). If you see a future with her you need to communicate that in a way she will understand, and start thinking harder about what that might mean and envisioning it. If she’s being brushed off or feels like her time is being wasted and she’s being strung along she probably won’t hang around though.
Tell her your truth so that she can make a decision.
Of course it’s ok!
It sounds like she isn’t the one for you. If you don’t see marriage and kids with her, then walk away and let her find what she’s looking for.
I think you the fact you tell her you “see a future” yet are asking if “all serious relationships end up under the same roof” is sending her mixed messages. How do you raise a family and share a future if you do not eventually live together? What’s the alternative? to invite the mother of your kids over a couple of nights a week for a booty call and then send her home to do all the parenting while you play video games?
You may get lucky and find someone who is into this friends with benefits arrangement long term so you can live like a Batchelor forever. I think it is very clear that is not what this current girlfriend wants so you need to be honest with her that you don’t ever want to live with her.
Poor girl is thinking of starting a future with you while ur just keeping her away from you and at the same time restricting her from starting a future in another place by being ur girlfriend.
If ur not planing of talking things to the next step in the relationship and is only there to waste her time then let her go, she deserves way better.
I live with my partner, but my whole condition for dating and anything past that was that we can be alone together.
We can spend a day together at home without having to interact, or we can cuddle the day away if mood strikes. Depending on social battery.
Not everyone is like that, but I couldn’t fathom a relationship with a social chatterbox.
Now, some are happy in separate apartments long relationships, but they are VERY few. And even fewer where both are happy. So consider your options and talk about it openly.
It’s totally okay to want a LAT-relationship (Living Apart Together) and I get it. I like my own space as well. And yes, moving in is the most logical step for most couples and an unwritten expectation in society.
You should discuss this with your girlfriend. What does moving in together mean to her? Does she just want to follow the social norm? Does she desire marriage or kids? What do you both want in life and in your relationship? Can you come up with a compromise like having seperate bedrooms?
If your girlfriend is not on the same page as you, it’s time to move on and find someone who is more compatible with you.
Why not get a place with a spare room or a garage or something like that?
Maybe even one of those houses that has a complete basement.
That way you get your own space and you’re still living together under the same roof.
What is your long-term goal for this relationship? What is her long-term goal for this relationship?
Are you two in alignment?
It depends what you both want, if you want children and marriage, yep that’s the next step. If you don’t you need to be really honest with her, because she’s 30 and unlike you she can’t wait until her mid 40’s to decide to have kids. Its unfortunately a possible deal breaker.
Sure there are relations that work with that arrangement, but it’s definitely more unusual and not for everyone. Your girlfriend may see living together as an important step in a relationship, and it could be entering deal breaker territory. Have you ever lived with a partner before?
My sister and her husband live together but have separate bedrooms. They told everyone it was because of his snoring, but she’s since revealed that she just values having her own private space just for her. It works for them.
It’s fine to feel how you feel. The main thing is you must be honest with her – and you have to be ready to let her go too if she feels differently.
If you want to live alone and she wants to live with you it will be complicated to keep things like that. I mean living with someone or not is important in a relationship and if you dont’t find a common ground suitable for both parties idk
I read that and laughed. You are wasting her time. She has maybe 10 years to really have kids. Yes. Living together is the next step. If you haven’t wanted to live with her in 3 years you are wasting her time. And have. You don’t want a relationship. You are an immature AH and want to keep her as a booty call. wtf
Please be honest with her so she doesn’t waste her time . She obviously isn’t into this idea if she wants to live together. Don’t waste her life.
I’ve been with my partner for ten years. We lived together for about 4 years in the middle of that time so it’s not that we can’t live together, we just prefer our own space. We’re both introverts and we both understand each others’ need for private space and time.
To add to someone’s comment below … This doesn’t mean we’re autistic for goodness sake. We’re just introverts in a very loud extrovert world. You can enjoy a relationship in separate homes without being diagnosed with something!!
That being said, if your girlfriend doesn’t feel the same as you, then it’s only fair to tell her. It only works it both people want the same.
youre in a relationship. Youve been in a relationship for three whole years. If this was spun from the womans persp, we’d all see it as commitment issues and most people would tell her to leave because youre not being serious.
I was just having a conversation with myself tonight and I was like yeah, noone actually knows how to be in or handle a relationship. Youre together….do you not want to be one unit eventually? I dont get you man.
My uncle and his girlfriend were together for decades. Never got married, never moved in together. I’m all about it! Only way I really see myself ever having a relationship again
Just move in together but make sure to get a space big enough that you each have your own space. Townhouse or row house. 1 bedroom, even 2 you won’t be happy.
It’ll be fine dude.
Otherwise YATA.
I think living together even as introverts is very much possible but requires a lot of space. There should be at least four rooms for two. A personal room for each (say, office or hobby room), one shared space (living room) and bedroom. Optionally, guest bedroom where one can go to sleep into whenever they prefer to sleep alone.
It’s expensive af. But I do believe two adults can absolutely comfortably live together only on those conditions.
In my opinion as a woman who needs my space also, it’s the best of both worlds. You get a companion to do things with and the peace and quiet of your own home when you need it. My aunt has been in a relationship like this after her divorce for almost 30 years. They’re in their late 60s now, still do everything together, go on cruises, out to eat, on adventures, we call him “uncle” even though they aren’t married, and then go back to their separate homes. Some people find it weird, but for some of us it would work so much better than living together. I can’t fathom a man invading my home and space and displacing things after I’ve cultivated it perfectly to myself over the years. My anxiety would skyrocket. I think it’s 2025 and we should do what’s best for us as individuals/couples, and not be so hung up on tradition. Just make sure you’re BOTH on the same page.
Be extremely honest about your feelings with your girlfriend. Do not say you’re interested in moving in together if you’re not, and make an effort not to lie by omission. That way you can both decide what’s best for you! Yes, it can work, but not if the two people involved want different things.
People move in after 2-3months. It’s normal to wanna have your own space. That’s why guys have man caves. But there is a learning curve of living with someone at any capacity. Even with family. Atleast she wants to try. I would be questioning if she didn’t wanna move in.
You can move together and have two separate bedrooms if you need private space!
My grandma did this with her second husband, they lived in the same neighbourhood for 40 years until he passed away. They had very different habits and lifestyles and they preferred living separately rather than breaking up. They had a great relationship and continued to do romantic date nights well into their 80s. But my grandma already had a child (my mom) before marrying him and neither one of them wanted more children. While very unconventional, it worked for them really well. The key here is they both wanted and preferred this, it doesn’t look like your girlfriend feels this way. Better to be transparent on this and you will indeed mostly likely need to let her go.
Yes, it’s ok. You’re not ready or she’s not the right person.
I’m sure there are edge cases, where people can be together for years and years and both not want to live together, but most people are working towards sharing their lives (and their space) with someone.
Imagine if you want to start a family (another goal people tend to have their sights on when being in a relationship), how will that work in separate homes?
Then there’s the financial waste of having two homes…
I think, realistically, after three years most people want to move to the “next step” if not, it’s kind of a waste of time and they’ll probably need to cut their losses and move on to someone who wants a normal/typical relationship.
So to answer your question in the title: it’s not about whether it’s ok or not – you’re free to live your life however you want. It’s just probably going to be a deal breaker for most people. And perhaps in future you give your next partner the courtesy of telling them of your long-term intent sooner, so they don’t waste three years of their life.
You are 30+. Break up with her.
My girlfriend got a key and moved in after ten weeks. And now married with a great little family and life a handful of years later.
If you don’t want that, tell her and let her move on to someone who does
I met a lovely man. We loved each other and everything was great. We were together for 3 years and I really wanted a traditional family. When he said he didn’t want to get married or live together, I started to move on. I put an offer on a new house and prepared to literally move on. When he saw that I was serious and actually doing this he begged me to move in. He bought me an engagement ring. I was running out of time at my age to have kids so he suggested IVF and that we have kids. So we did. Ended up having twins. One has autism, the other yet to be diagnosed. At the very least ADHD.
He couldn’t handle the noise, the change in routine, the disruption to his calm. He freaked out bad, started having meltdowns, sometimes abusive and violent. He ended up getting diagnosed with autism. It was so bad I had to go buy a house near him, and move out.
So now we live “together but apart”. He refused to ever give up his house which is in the most expensive neighborhood in my area. So I sold my middle class house to move in with him and with zero support, I’m now financially pinched living near him so the twins can easily go back and forth. They mostly stay with me now. He couldn’t give up his routines to parent, and he loses into them when they are noisy or bothersome.
Because I’m so fina calls strained living nearby I have zero funds left to sue for child support. I also have no support with the twins.
It’s ruined my life. I’ve gained stress weight. I wasted a decade of my life. I’m not in a young marriageable age bracket anymore and I have the baggage of autistic twins.
Don’t be that guy. Don’t be me. And go get yourself tested for autism so you are fully self aware and can make thoughtful choices moving forward.