I am 41M, my wife is 32F. We have been married for 1.5 years, and we dated for about 1 year before that. Since we have been married, on three occasions now she has been destructive or physically violent when we are in conflict and she is emotionally heightened. During these incidents, she will break things in our apartment, including glasses, leaving shattered glass spread across the apartment. On one of these occasions, a piece of broken glass bounced off the floor and cut my ankle, leaving a small scar. She has also thrown things at me, although not things that are heavy enough to be likely to leave serious physical injuries. And she has hit me and strangled me. The last time she did, her nails scratched my wrist, leaving a scar.
The destruction and violence is not at a level that it is likely to leave me with very serious physical injuries, and she insists that she will never seriously hurt me, although I am afraid of her ability to control herself. If she will throw things at me, how do I know that the next time it won’t be something heavy enough to crack my skull? Aside from the physical aspect, it is emotionally devastating. I feel at my utter lowest.
She takes responsibility for the unacceptable behavior, does not try to justify or excuse it, and is in therapy. She insists that it will end. However, I am sure that it won’t be that easy.
Are there any relationships that are generally healthy and satisfying despite having some level of violence that is above zero? Does it ever happen?
TL;DR – my relationship is violent and I am devastated.
Comments
This is not the least bit normal.
No.
This is abuse.
Something that might help you realize the gravity of the situation; I don’t know if you have any photos of you as a little boy. But if you do, I want you to stare at that little boy, and ask yourself if the situation you’re currently in is something you want for him.
Because, believe it or not, but we all have our little selves within us. As little beings, we all most likely ended up with wounds from our parents doing a shit job at parenting (or maybe even just being human – And not being perfect.) & that little-us comes out sometimes when we get upset about something, or when we response In that Way, etc. they are part of our adult selves.
Eg; How can a home of safety ever be created when That is who you are living with? Little you cannot possibly rest.
I would not doubt you are walking on eggshells and wondering what you did wrong, this time, or why you can’t do things right.
And the biggest thing is that none of it is at all your fault or you-induced. She can’t manage her emotions & takes it out on you in a dangerous way.
ALSO YES. This abuse is clearly dangerous. Strangulation? Cut ankle? It will only escalate from here, as it always does.
Just because she’s a girl doesn’t make the abuse any less wrong, devastating, & abhorrent.
Definitely abuse. This will never be a healthy and satisfying relationship. Speaking from experience, except I’m female. I’m sorry you are going through this.
Fun fact: abusers who strangle or choke their targets are 7 to 10 times more likely to end up killing their target.
Because that’s what this is, it’s abuse. It’s less likely (or at least less reported) for women to abuse men than the other way round, but it’s still abuse.
You can get help and support through an abuse hotline, and those focused on men who are being abused can be more helpful for your situation than a general abuse hotline. If you’re in the US, try 1-888-743-5754, the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (DAHMW), which is for both men and women, but includes male-focused support.
How can you have a healthy relationship with someone when you have to tiptoe around their anger?
You’ll be a nervous wreck, walking on eggshells worrying about what will trigger her next outburst.
No, I’m sorry but this is an abusive relationship. And physical violence inevitably escalates. You need to leave the relationship.
No, I don’t think it is possible.
>she insists that she will never seriously hurt me
Trusting the word of somebody who loses control of their emotions so much that they throw things is a poor choice. As you said, all she has to do is throw something heavy that cracks your skull or even something light that hits you in the eye, and your life is forever changed.
And more than that, the violence is only part of the problem. The other part is the fact that she is deeply lacking in respect for you as a person. To be violent with somebody is to show them that you do not respect them enough to allow them to feel safe. You can’t stay with somebody who has these sorts of emotional regulation problems and gets violent with you. Every fight is rolling the dice with your future, and even if you never get a life-altering injury, the emotional/mental damage that will rack up from being in an unsafe relationship will end up ruining things anyway. It is time to protect yourself physically and emotionally, and get out of there.