Hey everyone,
So I’ve (23M) been dating my girlfriend (22F) for just over 3 years now, but I’ve known her for about 10 years and we’ve been close friends for about 8. I’ve always had a strong connection with her, and things have been amazing in our relationship so far. I’m at a point where I’m thinking about proposing, but there’s one thing that’s been on my mind.
We’ve never lived together. Right now, we live about an hour apart, and because of our work, it seems unlikely that either of us will be able to move closer for a few years. I’m wondering if that’s an issue with proposing or if I’m just overthinking it.
So, for those of you who’ve gotten engaged or married, do you think living together before proposing is a must? Or is it okay if we haven’t lived under the same roof yet? Am I rushing things, or is it okay to propose without that step first?
Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences!
TL;DR: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 years, known her for 10, and been close friends for 8. I feel ready to propose, but we’ve never lived together, and we live about an hour apart due to work, which likely won’t change in the next few years. Is it necessary to live together before proposing, or am I just overthinking it?
Comments
Personally I would like to live with my partner for at least one year before a proposal. We both need to see how life looks like when we live together.
I would say yes. I feel like you’re missing part of the puzzle of who someone is if you haven’t lived w them.
I know you’ve known her for a long time, but you are still VERY young and you have plenty of time to get married. Living together can drastically change a relationship so you should really test the waters first. Also, you should be able to have an open conversation with your partner – “Hey, what are your views on this? Do you think it’s important to live together before marriage?” and see what she has to say on the matter.
For me, living together before any long time committed is a must.
I made the experience, that I just couldn’t live with one boyfriend I had, I had to leave the relationship and flee the flat after 2 months. You just can’t live with some people and unfortunately there are not always signs before moving in
But why the rush? You said you won’t be able to move in for the next couple of years, so why propose now? You plan on being proposed a couple of years?
No. You guys are young and have time to grow into one another. Get married, you’ve known each other basically a lifetime, and let things go as they may. Just talk about things when one or the other seems like they need to. Get married and move in together.
Trust me you will see demons once get married. You guys still young .take your time focus on yourself and career and relationships. Don’t rush things.
>Is It Too Early to Propose Without Living Together First? […] So I’ve (23M) been dating my girlfriend (22F)
Yes
I’ve been married twice (over a decade each time). I do think it’s really important to live together first, but I also wouldn’t say not to get engaged after a long dating time if you feel like it’s what you want.
I would suggest asking about longer.. dates. If you’ve had conversations about living together, have a 2-3 week period where you live in one place, then switch off under the guise of moving in together eventually. Even line up your vacations to be staycations where you test out living together if you aren’t already.
On top of that, if you’re being upfront about the idea of living together, I would work out who does what chores/household work so neither of you is just a long-term guest in the other’s home.
The non-vacation visits are most useful, l I think. Long-term relationships aren’t easy, so if you can’t hack that, you will learn a lot from that experience. I live in a major metropolitan area where the normal workday commute is an hour each way so it’s not unreasonable to test it out as a normal relationship hardship. Do you still feel joy after one of you drives an hour to and from work? Then, you get to see if you both match in chores and cleaning. You discuss expectations up-front, and then you can see if she’s a slob when you’re not around and there for two weeks – she can figure out if you say you’re going to be an equal partner but don’t run the dishwasher unless she tells you too when you’re at hers, etc, etc.
It’s not too soon. Plenty of people don’t live together before marriage.
Have you even discussed marriage with her? Long-term plans? Do you have the same values and views on the world? Have you discussed finances? Kids? If any of the above is no, then you’re not ready.
Don’t know if it’s too early, but it sure as hell is stupid.
No. It used to be very common to get engaged or married before living together and just because the other way round now is more common doesn’t mean you have to do it that way either. Go with that you feel is right for you and your relationship. You are both young so you have plenty of time to move in together when that’s possible or get married but for now do what you both want.
I think a lot of the people who get engaged before living together do it because of religious reasons. If you sincerely are being kept apart because of work, and there is no end date in site for the two of you to be able to live together – an engagement comes across as more of a promise ring.
Getting engaged is more than just a show of how much you love someone – it is meant to be an intentional move to begin your life TOGETHER. Asking someone to marry you and then making them wait to even see the light at the end of the tunnel takes away a lot of what is supposed to be special about being engaged. If there is no countdown, it doesn’t feel like there is really an intent.
Talk to your partner – if you want to actually get engaged, it is time to figure out the work stuff and get an actual timeline together to make it happen. Let her know that you want to marry her – and how you’re going to line everything up to make thst happen.
Best of luck 🥰
Just make sure that you know how each other deals with conflict and disagreement. I did not know this before moving in with my ex and then I found out that his way of dealing with disagreement was that he could not accept ever being wrong, and he had to have his way all the time.
Just make sure that you know how each other deals with conflict and disagreement. I did not know this before moving in with my ex and then I found out that his way of dealing with disagreement was that he could not accept ever being wrong, and he had to have his way all the time.