I (26M) live with my partner (28F). Her best friend “K” (30F) and I just don’t get along. K has said some really nasty things to me over text, including personal insults and even false stuff about my family. After that, I decided I didn’t want to have anything to do with her.
I’ve told my partner she can stay friends with K. I get that they’re super close and basically like sisters. My only boundary is that I don’t want K hanging out at our place when I’m home.
Here’s why. I work from home, so I’m usually around. Our place is small, so if K’s here I’d basically have to hide in another room. I also don’t really have anywhere else to go. I have no car, limited money for transport, and not many friends or family nearby.
I suggested they meet at K’s place or go out somewhere, but my partner says K doesn’t like having people over and going out all the time isn’t realistic financially.
I tried to compromise by saying that if I get a heads-up, I can deal with K visiting for a few hours, as long as I know roughly how long so I can plan my workday. My partner says that’s controlling, that she shouldn’t have to schedule her social life, and even said she “can’t live like this.” She’s mentioned maybe moving out.
From my perspective, I’m not asking her to stop being friends with K. I just don’t want her showing up unannounced given the history and my situation.
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Your work comes before her social life.
She’s being ridiculous.
It’s not controlling, it’s a compromise.
Red flag though- your gfs best friend insults you and your family- but your girlfriend does nothing about it? If you insulted her would it be the same response?
Your girlfriend should not be comfortable with her best friend talking about you in such a way.
As for the visiting, you tried. Maybe it’s time to see the signs and move on? She doesn’t care about you being comfortable or respected.
Why can K get away with not hanging out at her place
I don’t know how you got this far.
How are you okay with your wife being best friends with someone who insults and lies about you?
How is your wife okay being best friends with someone who insults and lies about her husband?
My wife and I and each other’s closest friend. I’d never tolerate a nasty word about her.
Sounds like a reasonable compromise to me. Someone does you dirty, you have a fair argument to not want them around your place, they can hangout outside of it.
The bigger question here is…
Your GF not doing anything about her friends behaviour? Her best friend is nasty to you yet she ain’t standing up for you?
Nah, seems like you also have a GF problem here.
I think you’re being very reasonable.
Your partner is talking about moving out, though – whether your compromise is reasonable or not.
You’ll need to decide if this is the hill you want to plant your flag on.
Let her move out. Her friend has insulted you on numerous occasions and not bothered to hide it. Why would you be with someone who lets it happen. Give your head a shake and move on.
“do what you have to do.” Literally let her move out.
She has stayed best friends with a person who has lied about you and directly insulted you. To me, this is her saying that it’s okay that her friend treated you badly. I would not stay friends with someone who insulted my partner, unless that friend gave a genuine apology and made efforts to make things right. So, she’s failing you there.
YOu set a VERY reasonable boundary. You didn’t say that she shouldn’t be friends with her (she reallly shouldn’t) or that you care if they hang out. You just don’t want to be forced to deal with this toxic person who has been awful to you in the past, in your own HOME/safe space. That is like asking for the BARE MINIMUM of respect. And she doesn’t even have THAT for you. Just wants her way. Has lots of excuses, but ultimately she cares more about her friend that she does about you, which should tell you something about your relationship.
:”I can’t live like this.” “She mentioed moving out.” This is a temper tantrum. You placed a very reasonable boundary. ONe that doesn’t affect her being friends with this person but also respects your personal space. You shouldn’t even have HAD to place this boundary because she shouldn’t be super close with someone who is disrespectful to you, but now she’s acting like it’s too much of a burden to have to live with respecting your reasonable boundary? Dramatic much? OMG I might have to respect someone else’s feelings! I couldn’t possible live like that!!! She sounds truly awful as a person.
She’s telling you that she doesn’t care about your boundaries, OR your feelings and then she’s throwing around “i’m thinking of moving out” as a manipulation tactic. It’s like bringing up divorce in a marriage – it should be off limits and she’s clearly just saying it to affect your behavior. It’s so toxic that that comment ALONE would have me immediately ending things. The last thing she’s expecting is for you to say, “Okay, move out.”
“This is my boundary. If you don’t like it, then you should move out, because I won’t be changing my boundaries. It’s bad enough that you would even want to stay friends with someone who has treated me badly, but allowing them in my home? ABsolutely not. You can respect that, or you can move out. That’s fine. Because if you can’t respect this boundary, I don’t want to be with you anyway.”
That’s it. Call her bluff and break this off. You deserve way better.
“Partner” is probably not the word for this woman (28F) of whom you speak.
It’s generous of you to be willing to have K at your place at all given how disrespectful she is to you. And it’s reasonable to ask that you know when she’s coming over.
My sense, though, is that K is more important to your gf than you are. I can tell you any friend who said nasty comments & lies about my loved one would get torn a new one & be out of my life. So maybe your gf moving out would be a good thing.
Not unreasonable, but I will say she doesn’t seem to care about you. It’s not controlling. That’s your home too, and if she wants to stay close to someone who doesn’t respect HER enough to be polite to her partner, then that’s a natural progression of what happens (you dont want K around you).
A best friend who disrespects my partner, who stays a best friend? Couldn’t be me. Only people my best friend hasn’t liked have been legit toxic guys.
You’re not being unreasonable but you are seeing your partners true colors. She would rather have you uncomfortable in your own home vs her friend.
Need more context. Is the friend repeating stuff your gf tells her about you and your family? Or is she making stuff up just to be hurtful? If it’s the former, you have a gf problem. If the friend is being disrespectful, you still have a gf problem.
You sound incredibly accommodating here. You work and live there as well. She needs to compromise. It’s ok that K doesn’t want people at her house but not ok for you? Your gf is the one who is being unreasonable and controlling, not you. If she wants to move out, I’d let her. I’d then consider whether this is really a healthy relationship that you want to continue in. If you and her bestie hate each other, this likely isn’t going to last anyway because she’ll be poisoning your gf against you any chance she gets and your gf is allowing it. You generally should be able to hang out with each others friends. In addition, your gf should be taking into account your work schedule and the fact it’s your house. She’s disregarding all your concerns for her comfort.
Either you are a terrible bf and her friend rightfully hates you, or your gf doesn’t love or respect you. If my best friend of eight years badmouthed my husband she’d be history. Immediately.
She should move out if she can’t accept that her partner has a right to be in the home he pays for without hiding away because an unwanted guest is around.
If your girlfriend is considering moving out because of your feelings for her friend then it doesn’t sound like you have that good of a relationship to begin with.
Your gf is a problem here. Her friend doesn’t like people at her home yet she’s is willing to accommodate her by making you uncomfortable in your own home. She would be made uncomfortable every time she walked through the door. You are not controlling and this would have to be a boundary.
She’s ok with her friend abusing you and then tries to make you feel guilty for not wanting her friend around. This is also abusive. If she can’t respect you, then maybe she’s not the right person for you.
Your gf is absurd. It’s bad enough she brings her over but she can’t give you a heads up? Sounds like she’s intentionally trying to push
“K doesn’t like having people” so the idea is instantly rejected, whereas you get bullied, and threated with a break up/moving out, for asserting reasonable boundaries. There is nothing you could communication nor any manner in which you could communicate that would get her to respect, and care about, you…
Tell her bye.
The fact that K doesn’t like having people over doesnt override the fact that YOU don’t like being around K. And you’re even willing to compromise.
Your partner is threatening to move out over this?? Let her.
Seriously why the hell would “K” give a flying fuck about what you want. She hates you and wants you out of your Gf’s life. Your Gf by keeping this “friend” has made it clear where she stands on this issue. She’s even told you that your “controlling” over even this most miniscule of boundaries because her “friend” doesn’t want to do this. She’s threatening to move out so that her “friend” gets what she wants. You realize that when her “friend” gets her to agree that she should cheat on you or dump you she will do exactly that.
I’m sorry but your relationship died the moment your Gf and “K” became friends. It doesn’t have any future. Plan to move out and onward then just do it. There’s no reason to sit around talking about your fe3elings as they simply don’t matter to anyone but you. Good luck moving on.