I am currently buying a house, a long-time goal that I’ve been working towards before I met my girlfriend (30F). We’ve been together for over 2 years (yes my house search has taken that long!). However, things have been a bit rocky in our relationship, we’ve broke up and got back together several times over the year and at the moment we both feel unsure about our future together – but we are trying. She’s never been sure on where she wants to be based long term, and she knows I’d prefer to stay in my current city. We currently live 45~ mins drive away, she has no desire to live where she is right now as it’s a small village, whereas my current place is a city, but she’s waiting for the right job opportunity to appear (not necessarily in my city).
Recently, we had a pretty rough breakup which lasted nearly 2 months. During which I had viewed a property that I really liked. But during this we rekindled and in the first few days of getting back together I had an offer accepted on that house. She already knew of my plan to buy a house, and throughout my search she’s been sending links to potential properties and suggestions on how the house could be laid out etc. But when I’ve asked her about the whole idea she keeps insisting that’s not for her to decide, but at the same time shows signs of support in a way where she offers suggestions on the house.
Now that I’ve had the house offer accepted, it feels weird that I’m now about to purchase it when my GF has pretty much no involvement. Since our relationship is so fragile this also means there’s no plans for her to move in, mainly because she only wants to relocate should she find a suitable nursing role equal or better than her current role. The only thing she’s said is she’d travel much more often to see me, atm we only meet at her place since I live with my parents. I want to buy the house for my own independence away from my parents, where I could build a future here, not just starting a family but also it would greatly help my business, but at the same time I’m confused if I’m making the right decision when our relationship is so fragile
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Why in the world do you think it makes sense to keep getting back together with her?
Honestly, if you think it’s right with you in every other aspect of your life, go ahead with it. If you end up turning this down and you guys break up again for good, you’ll be absolutely kicking yourself.
The time to buy real estate was yesterday. Get in there. If you and your girlfriend work out, you can always buy another house.
Focus on the house for yourself. It doesn’t sound like your girlfriend is in it for the long haul with you at this point. Have you asked if she is looking at similar nursing positions closer to you? If she’s not even considering making a change to be closer, it doesn’t seem like she wants to put the effort in to solidify this relationship
What are the issues that keep causing your relationship to fall apart? How have you guys made changes to prevent a breakup in the future?
Never get back together with an ex. If it didn’t work the first time, it’s also not going to work the second time unless one of you has changed significantly from the first time — so that the qualities which made you break up in the first place no longer exist. That kind of change is hard to do in a short period of time.
It’s not weird that you’re buying a house while a woman who doesn’t plan to spend her future with you is not involved in the process. What’s weird is that a woman who doesn’t plan to spend her future with you is still your girlfriend. Time is the one thing you can never get back: don’t waste it on a romantic dead end.
Not weird at all given how you’ve described the current state of play with your relationship. You aren’t at a stage where by you are building a stable future together and laying down solid roots together. By that I mean there’s a lot about your personal situations that are in flux.
You shouldn’t let that hold you back from personal progress. So take the leap with yourself in mind and get the personal independence you want.
If things change with her job situation or your relationship further down the line, fine. You can make decisions together if and when you’re ready to. But unless that change is imminent achieving this for yourself seems like a perfectly reasonable thing to do.
What kind of involvement are you looking for? Her to buy the place with you? Your relationship is super volatile and always on the brink of next breakup. Manage your expectations dude. Congrats on the new place. Enjoy being a homeowner
My boyfriend bought a house for us last year. The deed and mortgage are in his name, he signed all the paperwork, and he handled all of the financial details. We’ve been together almost 6.5 years so he heavily involved me in the entire process– location, size, age of the property, HOA or no HOA, everything including the budget even though I contributed nothing financially.
Since you and your girlfriend have been so rocky for so long I wouldn’t consider her as a factor. There’s no guarantee that you won’t split up again but you’ll be stuck with the house either way.
You do your thing man. That’s it. If she wants, don’t want. Doesn’t matter since you have your goals.
Why are you with her? If she keeps coming and going from your life? And keep her out of and away from the property.
I don’t think it’s weird that you’re buying a house while your girlfriend is not involved in the process. Even more so knowing your relationship sounds like it’s on the verge of collapse.
I think what’s truly weird here is the fact that you have been together for two years and have broken up several times.
At some point, you need to realize that this is not working out. The cycle of breaking up and getting back together is going to continue. If it were me, I would call it quits for good. Break the cycle. Then focus on being a first time homeowner. Which I am sure you’re going to have plenty of house projects and things to keep you busy in the meantime.
Even if you guys had a great relationship it would be insane to buy a house with her when you aren’t married.
Partners come and go (and this one seems to go a lot) but housing is never guaranteed. Get the house, and have some self respect and don’t let this gf back into your life. You don’t need that kind of instability. Good luck on your new home, and enjoy it!
Be glad she isn’t trying to get her name on it or take over
Sounds like you’re not compatible for a long term relationship
I think it would be far more strange if you DID include her, as this is a long-term goal for you and she is incapable of even short-term commitment. Would you like to take half your equity in it and give to her at this point? Because if you put her into the equation, you might have to do so.
Why do you maybe want her to be involved? In what way would you feel more comfortable? I can’t recommend having someone live with you as a co-owner nor tenant if you are in a romantic relationship that isn’t solid. This isn’t solid. And she doesn’t live in your city. Would she even like to?
Might help to 1) decide how you’d best feel about her living or staying in this house with you and 2) ask her if she’d like to
Perhaps you’re disappointed to hit this milestone and not have a family of your own as the next step?
She doesn’t sound like someone who will be a permanent fixture in your life over the long term, given all the breakups. So go right ahead and realize your dream of buying a house.
You are not married, you are not engaged, you don’t live together, she has not financially contributed to the down payment. I would question more why you feel that it’s awkward for you to do something with your own life and own money but feel like you are somehow obligated to include her in the decision. It doesn’t even seem like you can count on this relationship, so in no way should you financially tie her into this house or any decision related to it.
I’m the reverse of this I bought and my ex wasn’t into it. The relationship ended for good and I’m happy I have a place!
What is the actual problem or conflict here? She’s not complaining or forcing her name on the deed & mortgage. Why are you agitated about doing something this monumental for yourself?
I get where you’re coming from, and yeah, it’s really your call to move forward with buying the house, it’s a big step and shows you’ve been working toward this goal for a while now… but maybe take a moment to check in with her about how she feels about your plans and what she sees for the future. It might help both of you figure out if you’re on the same page before things get too settled.
They are two entirely separate tracks in your life. Make house decision for only house reasons and GF decisions for only GF reasons.
You can’t put your life and goals on hold for someone who may or may not be around. Buy your house, set it up the way YOU want. Live your life the way you would if she weren’t around. It sounds like you are basically incompatible at this time. Perhaps date around and keep your relationship non exclusive for now, until you see how things go. You have to do what is right for you.
She’s your, not our wife. She’s not even your fiance, and with all these breaks ups you shouldn’t be planning any of this around her.
Sometimes we make emotional decisions in relationships that, looking back or from a 3rd person pov, it doesn’t make any sense at all.
No, it’s not weird because you guys don’t have a strong foundation to build a relationship, life, family and future together.
It makes a lot of sense to buy the house! She doesn’t want to move in, and that’s fine. If you ever go a year without breaking up, you can think about writing a lease for her to move in with you. Then if you go three years without blow up fights or breaking up, you can think about proposing and talk to a lawyer about how to handle the house & a prenup
This person most likely will not be in your life long term. Make your plans based on what you want and what’s best for you. Do not consider an on again off again relationship when making big decisions.
No, it’s not. Buy the house if you can afford it and it suits you.
She’s just a girlfriend – and one that is so on and off again…what are you thinking?
From the title alone? NO.
There’s a distinct difference between girlfriend and wife. She isn’t a wife of yours and therefore HAS NO SAY IN HOW YOU USE YOUR MONEY.
Period.
Buy the house if that’s what you want to do. She’s just a girlfriend and you may not end up with her anyway.
I am also looking to buy a home on my own; my partner and I have a complicated relationship, and while I have always wanted to ditch the renter lifestyle in favor of building equity.
I realized homeownership is a secure way for me to build myself a steady foundation in case the metaphorical local rug gets pulled out from under me again. I actually want to be the only person on the deed for this reason.
Put yourself first. She has one foot out of the relationship.
Given the givens, it would be weird if she were involved.
So one, never get back together with an ex.
And two, HEAVY on this one. If you are not married to someone, do not allow them on the mortgage or deed for your home. You need to protect yourself there. If/when y’all break up again she could force a sale of force you to buy her out of the property no matter how much she contributed to purchase and upkeep.