Here is the situation, advice on if I’m overthinking this is appreciated.
I (24F) feel uncomfortable with one of my bfs(24M) relationship with a female coworker our age. Quick background, we’ve been together for 6 years, living together for 3, in a process of buying a house together, talking about engagement. Communication has always been good.
To sum up, the last few months It always felt like he was trying to find ways of seeing his coworker (24f) at work, and he really enjoys her company. It’s fine to have friends at work but I started getting uncomfortable when he would never mention her name, if he stayed up late after work to talk to her, he would never mention that she was there, in fact he would never say anything about her when I asked despite me finding out that he’d spend the whole day with her. He would look to go in on days that she’s in, always book a desk next to her if possible despite them being in different teams, they don’t only see eachother at lunch (which they always have together), but also any break they have, if they are bored they’d go get a booth to chat and etc. The other week they had a work event in London where both of them and some of the coworkers got to London the day before the main presentation. Me and my bf were already in London with my parents beforehand but he wanted to go and have dinner with them all when they got there (which is fine) and stay in a hotel with eveyone overnight as it’s closer to the office (again, fine). The only thing is, her train (and this other coworker) was getting in at 4pm, where the dinner wasn’t until 9pm as the rest of them didn’t get in until late. He really wanted to go and meet her and her friend at the station as she got into london…I questioned why that was necessary if the dinner with Eveyone isn’t until 9, what he would do for that long before hand and he agreed to leave later… then while they were waiting for the others to get in, he got the drinks, she forgot to send him money for it and when she apologied and said she’ll do it now, he insisted that it was ok and she didn’t have to, (which is a bit iffy in my opinion/ where is a line between being nice but also staying professional), once she transferred, he then replied thank you with a love heart. He never used that before, he doesn’t use it with anyone else but me, I’d don’t think it was appropriate .
I felt uncomfortable with how close they are getting as that’s when feelings begin to develop. I’ve talked with him about it and he said that he is sorry, that’s it’s not what it seems, she’s just a nice friend at work, but he said that he will take a step back and back off and will not initiate conversations or meetings more than they have to for work if that’s a boundary I want to place. I said that I don’t want to be that person who tells him who he can and cannot talk to but how it’s upsetting me as I can see how much he enjoys spending time with her and that’s how feelings can start to develop (if not already – which he denied). He said he will take a step back. He said he didn’t realise he was leaving her name out whenever talking about events and why he stayed late and etc, and that it wasn’t intentional and how their relationship is innocent and he doesn’t seek ways to spend time with her.
Today I find out that when he came into to the office, the first thing he did was message her to ask if she wants to have lunch together and go on a stroll to the shop together. Going completely againsts to what he has promised me, he then also saw her multiple times during the day again to get a booth just to chat, initiated by him and some by her (gathered from teams messages).
I also found out that a social next week, to which he insisted he had to go to (I asked him if he could drive me to dentists as I’m getting 3 of my wisdom teeth removed – to which he said he really wants to go to this social as it’s a small team retiring leaving due thing, ok..), I found out that she will be present there despite him not mentioning anything about her before when I asked who will be there. Again, he just left her name out… This whole situation is making me shake. I have confronted him About it all to which he apologied and said eveyrhing is completely innocent. He thought he told me that she was gonna be at the social before and that he forgot about backing off because it was all innocent.
Do I have a ground to be upset?
It feels like he is always continently “forgetting” to mention her in any situation. This was always the case before I had a chat with him the first time… He went against the boundary we have talked about after I told him how upset I was. I know he says it’s innocent but I can see how he is enjoying spending time with her and it doesn’t sit right with me.
I just feel like he prioritised his relationship with her over boundaries that have clearly made me upset and he agreed to set…
I have taken some time away from him and went to my parents for a bit. I must say outside of work they have never met, they don’t text outside of work either (from what I know) and she is also in a relationship. However, any opportunity at work to see her, he is there first point of call (or outside of work during work related events).
Is he getting close to her? I feel like I’m going insane..
Comments
Before I say anything else, how do you know that he does all of this when he is at work? Where are you getting your intel from?
You’re not wrong you’ve literally laid it out plain as day to him and he has made a claim/ commitment to your face and then betrayed it instantly. He’s a bum.
He is having an emotional affair. It will lead to more.
Trust your gut.
Sounds like an emotional affair that will likely become more. Many affairs happen between co-workers who start as friends.
You’re not wrong. I don’t want to say he’s cheating but that’s definitely the vibe I’m getting whether just emotional or maybe physical. He has prioritized her over you multiple times even though they spend most of their day together anyways? 🚩Also it sounds like you’ve listed times they’ve met/plan to meet outside of work even if surrounded by coworkers. I’d hate to make you feel bad but I think at this point you’re under reacting. I’d be sick to my stomach.
How does he “forget about backing off” when you’ve had multiple conversations about it with him? That shows a lack of caring and object permanence.
Id tell him: this emotional affair that you’re having that is hurting me and our relationship. You immediately forget about the issue when you’re back at work which sounds like you immediately forget about me and my concerns. It feels like you’ve made your choice and it’s not me or this relationship. Is it time we start discussing what separating looks like?
Put the ball in his court. Make him decide.
It seems like you have plenty of information and have observed what was going on pretty throughly, my honest opinion would be to go with your gut and don’t dismiss your concerns, you’ve already set boundaries and there not being respected. You two have been together for quite some time but he might not be your end game, people change in what they want and like, drastically from 18 to 24. Have you thought about meeting his coworker? Maybe asking him for a double date? That might cool things down and stop whatever is going on, maybe you can get a feel on her and see where her head is and maybe him seeing her with her partner will snap him out of whatever he has going, either way wishing you the best.
You sound very jealous which is why he doesn’t mention her because he doesn’t want to constantly upset you or have to explain his every action
You’re uncomfortable because your BF is cheating on you.
Your BF is not willing to back out of his “friendship” with another woman. He is actively seeking her company. He is lying to you about her. He doesn’t respect your boundaries, your feelings, or your relationship.
You’re 24 years old. Better end it now than to find out what a cheater he is a few years down the road when you’re married and have kids.
Ask him if you need to speak with her significant other to see how boyfriend’s/coworker’s relationship plays from the other side.
Seems like he’s slowly checking out of your relationship 🤔 if he won’t stop lying to you about his interactions with her that’s a massive red flag in my opinion and you need to think hard about where your relationship is heading 🤔
If it’s not a physical affair yet it is already most certainly an emotional one. Your gut is telling you this, listen to it. If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck and walks like a duck it sure as heck instead a turkey.
Updateme
You’re not insane. He has feelings for her. And right now, it seems like his feelings for her trump his feelings for you.
He’s already gone, he’s just using you now. He tells you he’ll back off but doesn’t, because he doesn’t respect you or your boundaries. Get a backbone and kick him to the curb already.
ETA: Updateme, pls
He’s having an emotional affair at the minimum, and it’s well on the way to being physical as well. Since you’ve already spoken to him about it and it hasn’t stopped, I think you need to tell him that he is having an emotional affair (he will deny it, so tell him his behaviour even after you spoke to him about it shows you that he definitely is) then ask him if you need to start looking for somewhere else to live, about separating your lives and going your own ways; you cannot and will not continue as is. Maybe the reality of potentially losing you will shock him into realising his behaviour is in the wrong. Don’t phrase it as "if you keep doing this I’ll dump you" as ultimatums usually don’t help situations. Another possible alternative that has been suggested on other posts like this is to get him a copy of a book called "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass (Glass & Staeheli, 2012) which others have said is good (but I’ve not read it). You’re Not Wrong, YNW and good luck.
UpdateMe! RemindMe! 7 days
DONT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS GUY!!
He cares more about her than you. Think about it: he’ll do anything he can to be with her. Meanwhile, he can’t drive you to the dentist. (I bet if his co-worker needed a ride to the dentist, he’d be right there for her.)
Its obvious hes bored with your relationshio and hes into her. Open your eyes sweetheart….hes playing you
Updateme!
Don’t buy a house with him.
He is unable to set boundaries. A man like that will always cause you problems. If not with her, then with the next one.
He has at least an emotional affair and enjoys the attention. But what is worse is that he disrespects your feelings and lies to you.
Imagine being married with a man like that and having children. You are sitting at home feeling exhausted and shitty while he enjoys other women’s attention.
I’d have someone do a drive by your place and see if her car is there. Guy is definitely looking to cheat
That girl is relying on you to go crazy on him about her so he can be all hers complete the cycle
>I’ve talked with him about it and he said that he is sorry, that’s it’s not what it seems, she’s just a nice friend at work, but he said that he will take a step back and back off and will not initiate conversations or meetings more than they have to for work if that’s a boundary I want to place.
Yeah this doesn’t look good. You’ve already explained the problem, he understood the problem and immediately proceeded to put it back on you because he very clearly does not want to back off this girl. This isn’t a case of ignorant innocent interaction, he already knew it was wrong, chose not to care and then essentially ignored you when you brought it up… Something like 85% of all affairs start at the workplace. What he’s doing is very not okay.
r/AIW
How do you know the first thing he did when he got to the office was to text her about lunch? 🤔
Never mind, I saw your explanation. Time to throw this fish back in the water.
I had something happen to me 6 months ago and I m 40 so is my BF. The co working question is 24. Something made me uncomfortable about their closeness and I expressed my boundaries but he violated it each time and made me believe nothing was wrong. So much so that he once stayed at her place after they both went out drinking alone and lied to me about it. The reason for lying that I wasn’t ok with those friendship and was being insecure. I should have broken up right then.
He then went no contact with her fast forward to Feb … I caught them together spending 2 nights in his house .. while everything was absolutely normal between us … Today he is my ex.
So just trust your gut
He’s at the very least having an emotional affair-or he’s obsessed and stalking her. Don’t buy a house with him. Dump him. He’s showing you she’s his priority, not you. The fact he choses to go to party with her instead of supporting you through a painful medical procedure is a dealbreaker. He’s an asshole.