We’ve been together for 2.5 years. Lived together for about a year of that. Within the last year I’ve seen a decline in our relationship. It’s like when he moved in a switch flipped and he turned into this berating and hurtful person. He started going through a spell of depression awhile back and he said i wasn’t there for him emotionally so he found it with someone else and that he may be in love with her. He insists he wants to try and work things out but refuses to cut things off with her until he sees me “change.” He wants me to have to earn him staying without there being risk of him losing this other girl if it doesn’t work out. He won’t break up with me either, and says he’s holding out for who i used to be. He says that I’m “cold” and I’m not affectionate or emotionally bonded with him, but I know these reserved feelings have come from the constant berating and hateful comments from him. But all of the blame of this situation is being put on me. The entirety of it. He’s comparing it to starving someone (emotionally) and then expecting them to not eat the first food (some internet girl) they come across. He says i just don’t care about him. I guess it’s hard for me to connect emotionally with someone who was insulting me or berating me hours earlier within the same day usually. He only seems to enjoy intimacy if it’s incredibly rough- and when it hurts me he wants to stop and it’s somehow my fault that the moment was ruined. He’s also made the comment that my lady area is “busted up.” He says anything he can to hurt me. He also makes it very clear he does not care at all if i decide to leave him.
He’s used me as his stress (metaphorical) punching bag for months and months. Whenever something hard is going on for him he has an easily triggered temper, over things as silly as me grabbing the wrong thing he pointed to across the room that he asked for. Takes every opportunity to call me fat / lazy / a loser. After a year of berating it’s pretty difficult to want to try with my appearance at this point. When we met i was much more thin due to an eating disorder. I obsessively counted calories and went to the gym. Now that I’m a much healthier weight he doesn’t like how i look. (I am not overweight per my dietician who’s helped me with my food struggles.)
I admit maybe i wasn’t able to fully emotionally connect with him in his time of need but i feel that it’s fully because of his regular verbal abuse. Claims this other girl was there for him and he may love her. He’s definitely made me feel like i could never find anyone else and like im a total failure in life.
He lives in my home and is in school for another year before he graduates. I feel trapped even if i do try and leave him. He paid for a costly home repair (11k) and a set of tires for me ($800) over the year, but in return i havent made him pay any bills in the home as a way to repay him. He buys groceries once a month for us. This equates to about $900 a month I’ve paid him back in free living quarters. Would i be wrong at this point to try and get him to leave? Should i let him stay longer on principle? He does constantly throw those monetary favors in my face.
How do i find the strength to stand up for myself? How do you leave? Does anyone come back from a situation like this? Again- he has made it exceedingly clear that he does not care whatsoever if i leave, and that he can have whoever he wants. Where do i find the strength when he’s truly made me feel like i am nothing?? Was he justified in seeking out someone else?
TLDR- my verbally abusive boyfriend is cheating emotionally and is blaming me.
Comments
I didn’t need to read your story. It’s a dumb question and the obvious answer is that it’s not your fault. Cut the guy loose and find someone better
After reading just the first part of your post, I can say, save your dignity and bounce.
He’s just one guy who says you’re nothing. Doesn’t make it true.
I can tell you you’re purple, does that make you purple?
Doesn’t sound like you owe him anything if he’s been living rent free.
Add up the numbers if you want and then you can show it to him on paper so he shuts about it. He likely won’t anyway cause it’s not about the truth, it’s just about what he can use to manipulate you. Plan your exit and evict him from your house asap imo.
He’s using you. Start the eviction process. He won’t go easily.
Let’s pretend that it’s somehow your fault you haven’t emotionally connected sufficiently recently. That’s bullshit, he has been awful to you and you have sensibly withdrawn as a result, but let’s pretend.
That doesn’t justify the verbal abuse. That doesn’t justify the cheating. That doesn’t justify him jerking you around. All of those bad things are squarely on him, he could have easily left the relationship a long time ago but he chose to stay and torture you instead. Even now he still hurts you, trying to use his cheating as a way to make you feel like you have to fight for his approval.
Call his bluff. If he doesn’t care if you leave him then end the relationship and ask him to leave. You’ll quickly see all that bluster is bullshit as he does everything he can to coerce you into sticking around, in fact I am sure he has done plenty of that already.
No it isn’t your fault. By his shitty reasoning you should have cheated on him but I doubt he’d accept that as valid, right? He’s a hypocrite, abusive, and just gross in general.
You are in an abusive relationship op. Why would you want to earn him back. This man does not like you, love you or respect you. Plan your exit or kick him out. I get narcissistic vibes from this man.
So no it’s not your fault . It’s a lie . Once you remove yourself from the equation you will realize “holy f what a fool I was to believe his bullshi” youv allowed him this . The way to undo his own logic where he thinks he can have anyone lol is to make yourself unavailable to him and show him you value yourself more than him . Right now your looking for the way out and the way out is the very thing your afraid to do . Which is walk away and move on With your life . Your life lies on the other side of that . He’s not the prize youv made him out to be . You don’t need this person . You don’t owe him shit . He’s abusing both you and her and somehow has you convinced you have to earn him ? I’m sorry … read it out loud . It’s insane . Do what u gotta do , no one said it’s easy but I promise you once you do . You will have regained yourself , dignity and power back . You’ll have no regrets . Every thought about u losing out with said person is just a made up lie in your brain . That’s what brains like to do . Add images to feelings
It’s only your fault for every minute you rationalize his behavior and enable him to be this way. A roach living in his apartment deserves better and so should you.
Know your worth. Devise a realistic exit plan. If you’re contributing to expenses and planing to move, start thinking selfishly if you still need to encourage his lifestyle here.
He’s only keeping you around because you tolerate it while he believes these e-girl scammers will one day fall in love and replace you. The first one that is convincing will have you out on the street defending a restraining order trying to get your personal items back.
Calling you lazy, fat, stupid; calling your vagina busted up; blaming you for his cheating; it’s abuse. As simple as that. You even said it yourself: you are his emotional punching bag. He doesn’t love you. He just wants to keep you around, because abusing you makes him feel good.
If I were you, I’d pack up his things, change the locks and never speak to him again. He doesn’t love you. He doesn’t even like you. So it wouldn’t be a huge betrayal or anything. It would just give you peace.
Have you told anyone in your life about the things he says to you? That would be a good start, if leaving is hard. Sometimes we need to say the things we are most ashamed and confused by out loud to realize how messed up it sounds.
Its manipulation, he is interested in other girl and blaming you like it’s your fault. Move on with this relationship.
I’m a guy and was in a similar position as you about 5 years ago. Everything was my fault and she would berate me constantly then wonder why I wasn’t interested in intimacy. What he’s doing is classic emotional abuse and gaslighting. Leaving is hard and it can take a long time to start anew but it won’t get any easier if it’s dragged out. There really isn’t any recovering a relationship when it becomes like this, there will be resentment in both directions and that emotional tap within you won’t just turn back on towards them.
The best thing for both of you is to make a clean break here. That whole “you won’t find someone else” shtick is an abuse tactic to keep control over you and the situation. Them having financial debt over you is a similar tactic. It will hurt and take time to start over but start over you must.
Everyone’s insight has been so helpful. I have admittedly thought of all of these things myself- but have genuinely convinced myself I’m wrong for thinking them. I am absolutely seeing it for what it is with so many outside opinions.
> He insists he wants to try and work things out but refuses to cut things off with her until he sees me “change.” He wants me to have to earn him staying without there being risk of him losing this other girl if it doesn’t work out.
Are you fucking serious?
> He won’t break up with me either,
You do realize that you don’t have to wait for him to break up with you right? You can do it yourself and be done with this BS.
And I didn’t read anything beyond the last sentence that I quoted because this is just so asinine.
If this is a real situation, why would you even want to stay with someone that openly cheated on you and has told you that he’s not going to end it with her, just in case?
I have a close friend whose boyfriend is using her. He’s married to someone else and abusive but she can’t see that he’s repeating the pattern. She has been with him for 6 years and still hasn’t caught on.
I love her to death. She doesn’t see how much this impacts her life on a constant basis and why she doesn’t make any other friends. Its heartbreaking to see her struggle but she won’t leave him
Please don’t be like my friend. If you’re concerned enough to write reddit, maybe it’s time to take initiative. There are a ton of good people out there
I’m sorry but cheating – is his decision. It’s his fault. If you love someone else just be honest and break up with the person you don’t want anymore. He’s manipulating you. You can’t have a cookie and eat a cookie at the same time.
He chose to cheat on you, to go to someone else.
For your own wellness you need to leave him